heard terabyes of perfect pitch.

Kaena Lykoi · 04-07-2011, 06:25 AM

Gonna separate out my comments for you up here so they're easier to read. Big Grin

Definitely run your post through a spell-checker -- Firefox has one built in, as does Microsoft Word and Open Office (free alternative to Microsoft Office). You can also go through plain old Spellcheck.net or many other spellchecking sites. ^^

Length and description is one area you could work on -- reading your post, I'm left wondering what exactly happened to Moonfyre. I can go read the thread, of course, but if it gives you something to write about! Maybe Echo regrets not doing something differently, and he can't stop replaying the scene in his head. More detail about how exactly he feels about this would be good -- I'm not sure if Echo is happy or upset about losing Moonfyre. Did Moon try to trick him, making losing him a good thing? Or was Moon Echo's way to get home, explaining why he's lost? Try to tie the post together a bit better with more detail about the backstory.

Physical description is also a good way you can lengthen your post some -- describe the forest as Echo is walking through it. There are probably tall trees, low bushes, and a bit of snow still clinging to the ground in very, very sparse places, though it's warming up very quickly through April. It's about 42.1 degrees Fahrenheit (5.6 degrees Celsius) -- check out the Area page and refer back to it often to see what the temperature's like. :3 Check out the territory descriptions when you're going to post in a specific area -- here's the description for Ethereal Eclipse!

Also, if Echo is near the center of the Dampwoods and Kaena is to the far east of the Ethereal Eclipse, they're veeeery far apart. X3 Make sure you check out the map -- it's a long, long way between their two points, and the Dans l'Obscurité forum where we're posting are where Ethereal Eclipse is located, whereas the Dampwoods are located in the Élévation Orientale forum. :3 I'm gonna assume he's a bit closer to Kaena than what you stated in the post. ^^;

These are just things relative to roleplaying, but -- try to read the other player's post for clues as to where their character is and what they're doing. Kaena was in a clearing, settled up against a tree -- might have made for more interesting interaction if Echo simply showed up across the meadow for her, if he was downwind of her? :3 Now we've got to spend a bit more time getting them closer, as I'm still playing some distance between them. ^^;;

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the sun will never shine on this cold dead heart of mine

Kaena was on a mission here. Scouting was not her métier, certainly, but she had been shamed and she wished to prove herself useful. It was convenient that scouting the other packs would bring her outside of Inferni, and the hybrid woman had not hesitated to take this chance. She was not too old to fend for herself for a week or so, after all -- she was still a rather successful hunter, and even if she could not bring down mammalian prey, there were fish just a stream or lake away. After a few moments of rest, the hybrid stood, stretching herself out. She had not spent much time around Dahlia, and she wanted to see how they were doing -- most of her attention during the time spent in the Dampwoods was dedicated to Anathema and Phoenix Valley.

Heading back the direction she came, the hybrid soon came across the scent of another canine, her russet-shaded muzzle, now grizzled and silvery, twitched, following the zig-zagging path with amusement. It seemed someone was terribly lost -- there was a faint scent of fear here, and the meandering direction of the scent path had caught her attention. There was another scent, fainter still but familiar to the old hybrid nonetheless. AniWaya. This one was rather far from home, and she squared her shoulders, muttering something incoherently under her breath about how if this stranger got terribly unlucky and wandered too close to Inferni, Hybrid would make sure he wouldn't get lost again.

Soon enough, the a flash of timberwolf in the distance caught the hybrid's single eye, and she walked more slowly now, moving toward the stranger with caution. Her scarred face certainly would not be a beacon of hope to many, she knew that -- still, she at least knew which direction AniWaya was, and her good relation with the pack and its leader very nearly obligated her to turn him around. “You're a bit lost, hm?” the coyote inquired, stopping some yards away from the male. Though she trusted Dawali and his description of the pack as a peaceful place, there was wariness in her still -- it was a man, and a stranger. Haku had made sure she carried that fear always.

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