07-07-2011, 01:33 PM
592
She tried not to flinch as he looked at her and tried not to look too far away. She knew it was prudent not to meet his gaze and show him at least the respect she might show any canine, but she also understood that there was some sort of instinct borne from so many years ago deeply bred into this boy. She understood these things, but knew she could never voice them. She saw his teeth glint and felt a shudder run through her body. It wasn’t that he was looking at her in a sexual way, but he was regarding her with such concern to his own power. He knew who he was and Tayui understood her role here, too. There were no questions in her mind about who she had become or what she would be: she had re-created herself, but perhaps, not quite enough. She couldn’t just say she would become a monster: she had to become one. Words were useless until they became actions.
Sirius spoke quietly and with a strange frown. He sounded almost worried, or even sad, at what she had told him, but Tayui could not understand why. It had been her own prerogative to come here, and if her reasons dismayed him, then perhaps he was not as cruel as he thought he was.
As he continued, Tayui found herself frowning this time. She didn’t like his analogy: she was no useless star and she would not collapse onto herself. She didn’t like that he only spoke in riddles and expected her to return them in kind. She was no sphinx and he was not Oedipus; she had nothing to confer to him that was not plain and simple.
She watched as he circled her, prowling with his yellowed teeth shining. If he was trying to scare her, it was certainly working. She now understood the price for speaking the truth, and that he initial assessment was wholly correct: no one ever wanted to know the truth, not even the leader of this brutal pack. He had no need for it if he could just as easily control her minions with lies and gory promises.
“I have indeed adapted,” she replied slowly. “And I continue to do so. As I said, I have returned to chaos, where I belong. I am not confused, my boy,” she explained sweetly with a smile, “I know why I am here and I understand who I am. I seek no easy ending. If I wanted that, there are many easier solutions.” She had let herself become free from conditioning, the training, and the repetition, but Sirius only wanted to shackle her back to these old chains. He said so, using other words – adapt, survive – than she might have, but he could easily oversee a prison, the likes of which she had left behind many times before.
She wanted to say she was indeed of no use to him. She would not let herself be used by anyone, for she was free and she was herself. If he thought he could use her, or her skills in whatever ways he imagined, he was just another fool. She wanted to say so much more, but she figured it prudent to quiet down. Yes, this was why she had kept to herself and not drawn any attention: her freedom was in her loneliness, but so was her sadness. She craved the same social contact as many others might, but she understood she could not have this without losing her freedoms.
She tried not to flinch as he looked at her and tried not to look too far away. She knew it was prudent not to meet his gaze and show him at least the respect she might show any canine, but she also understood that there was some sort of instinct borne from so many years ago deeply bred into this boy. She understood these things, but knew she could never voice them. She saw his teeth glint and felt a shudder run through her body. It wasn’t that he was looking at her in a sexual way, but he was regarding her with such concern to his own power. He knew who he was and Tayui understood her role here, too. There were no questions in her mind about who she had become or what she would be: she had re-created herself, but perhaps, not quite enough. She couldn’t just say she would become a monster: she had to become one. Words were useless until they became actions.
Sirius spoke quietly and with a strange frown. He sounded almost worried, or even sad, at what she had told him, but Tayui could not understand why. It had been her own prerogative to come here, and if her reasons dismayed him, then perhaps he was not as cruel as he thought he was.
As he continued, Tayui found herself frowning this time. She didn’t like his analogy: she was no useless star and she would not collapse onto herself. She didn’t like that he only spoke in riddles and expected her to return them in kind. She was no sphinx and he was not Oedipus; she had nothing to confer to him that was not plain and simple.
She watched as he circled her, prowling with his yellowed teeth shining. If he was trying to scare her, it was certainly working. She now understood the price for speaking the truth, and that he initial assessment was wholly correct: no one ever wanted to know the truth, not even the leader of this brutal pack. He had no need for it if he could just as easily control her minions with lies and gory promises.
“I have indeed adapted,” she replied slowly. “And I continue to do so. As I said, I have returned to chaos, where I belong. I am not confused, my boy,” she explained sweetly with a smile, “I know why I am here and I understand who I am. I seek no easy ending. If I wanted that, there are many easier solutions.” She had let herself become free from conditioning, the training, and the repetition, but Sirius only wanted to shackle her back to these old chains. He said so, using other words – adapt, survive – than she might have, but he could easily oversee a prison, the likes of which she had left behind many times before.
She wanted to say she was indeed of no use to him. She would not let herself be used by anyone, for she was free and she was herself. If he thought he could use her, or her skills in whatever ways he imagined, he was just another fool. She wanted to say so much more, but she figured it prudent to quiet down. Yes, this was why she had kept to herself and not drawn any attention: her freedom was in her loneliness, but so was her sadness. She craved the same social contact as many others might, but she understood she could not have this without losing her freedoms.