From the afternoon spent in conversation and onward, there was little more for the Nomad to do other than patrol the lands under the guise of necessity. Upon relieving a stunning revelation about herself, the woman couldn’t bring herself to socialize with the growing family for the time being, even with her mate sick and awaiting her return. For a moment of her choosing she wanted to keep to the snow covered lands and distract herself from what lay nestled warmly within the den.
Family was what this pack was to be about, and yet she found herself growing more detached to them. Though she cared for the all, and worked herself near exhaustion to keep them secure, she felt terribly out of place with no means to add to the emanation of familiar warmth. Her mind and body were still scarred by the absence of life meant to have been seeded within her. Even as the days slipped by into a week, she could not relinquish her disappointment in herself. Without that promised life, she no longer felt a part of that serenity that kept the den alive and pleasant. With each glimpse of the suckling pups, even the rambunctious smile of her newly placed charged, she felt the vice of jealously clench tighter around her heart and felt the composed façade gradually crack away under the pressure of pain. It was better not to call attention to it, fearful that it would strike up an uncomfortable debate among the inhabiting family.
Their constant care was assuring, but unneeded towards her. For even if she confided in them the troubles that plague her, her harbored jealously that threatened to split her in twine, what could any of them do about it? Even Saluce would not be able to do anything other than console her and claim that everything was alright as he had been. She could not believe his words or even the ones she uttered to herself when around them. She had found comfort only briefly when his loving words assured her that there was a grander purpose for them than to have a family now, but she was growing impatient to see exactly what it was. Was it to provide for everyone else? Would this purpose be to care for pups that were not their own; to watch them grow and prosper adorned with apprehensive smiles?
It was not enough. If this was what her ancestors had in store for her after her relentless devotion and praise of their names, then this repercussion of watching others lead the life she wanted was not enough. She could not even look to this as another trial delivered by her all seeing forebears. It was too late for that when already they had instilled in her the hopes for pups of her own, to lavish in the affections thought lost to her culture; to reclaim that possession of child to parent and nurture it in the ways instinct demanded of her rather than the learned behavior of her culture. She had wanted desperately to experience that love she had felt prematurely for Sarian wholeheartedly and come to make it a part of herself. She wanted to experience that blessing with her mate and cement the bonds of their love with the life they had created.
But it was not her experience to have; the bonds that tethered mother to child were not yet hers to grasp. And the woman was better off keeping from the den then allowing any of them see how bitter this truth had made her.