And then, without knowing it, the swordswoman spoke the name that stopped Coli's heart. She grew perfectly still, breath caught on her lips, trying not to show the electric energy that had just jolted through her at the mention of... Anu. That name was never far from Coli's thoughts; it had become an obsession, echoing in the back of her thoughts, silently judging her every action as though the woman was standing over her shoulder. All of her guilt, fears, and shame were personified by that name; leaving had been the worst mistake of her miserable life, and she had never stopped regretting it. There was no one else like Anu; no one in this lonely world that could measure up to the mental image she held onto, and therefore no one that could make her happy. It took a long moment before she could find her voice again, coaxing her numb lips to form the words she needed to say. "Yes. I was with Anu in the orchard..." Sunlight and sweetness, that was what she remembered best. Now it was tainted, a bitter recollection of what she had ruined. She was poison.
This woman knew Anu... Of course she did, if she had been a part of Crimson Dreams, but Coli was suddenly riveted to the words that followed. Anu and her sons had moved to Berwick. Berwick, that was part of Dahlia de Mai -- or it had been, at least, and that was where Deuce Rhiannon had her cabin, and Coli had lived with little Willow and shy Taliesin, and started the flower garden, and Henratha had built a greenhouse just for her... Had Anu chosen it for that reason, since she had visited there before? No, no, that was nonsense, Anu didn't care about her anymore. She had a real family. Sons, even; Coli had met Alder and questioned him about everything under the sun except his siblings. If she hadn't left... they could have been Coli's sons, too. Colibri was so distracted by her buzzing thoughts that she almost missed the most important tidbit; this woman had been invited to live with them.
A stricken look shone in her wide blue eyes, desperate and jealous and hopeless. What made this warrior woman so special that she got to share a roof with Anu? And why, why had Coli squandered her own chances away? She leaned heavily against the tree trunk behind her, feeling dizzy again. If there had been no tree, she would have probably collapsed into the dirt. "How... how is Anu? Is she all right... since the pack disbanded?" Coli asked faintly, fingers brushing the small pendant she wore around her neck. It was a gift from her new packmates, and she needed the reminder that she had someplace to go, that people would miss her if she ran off to become a stalker in Berwick. "And how is the new orchard coming along?" She quickly added, trying to mask her obvious intentions. She always felt like people saw right through her when it came to Anu, since she was unable to quell the compulsive feelings within her. Maybe that was why she had come all this way for her seedlings, when she could have located a closer grove of apple trees and saved herself the trip. Maybe it wasn't about closure at all.
She was so fixated that she almost missed the casual question, and it took her a moment to get back on track. "Cuttings... oh, cuttings, right. Apple trees can be cut into pieces, and those pieces can become trees of their own. It's harder to do right, though, usually easier to graft them onto a different tree..." She trailed off, not realizing that she would probably have to explain grafting as well. She knew where Anu was. She could see her anytime. Alder had encouraged her to, though she didn't have the heart to explain the true nature of her relationship... and why it would be so complicated to show her face at Crimson Dreams again. But Crimson Dreams was gone now. Maybe she should. No, Anu must be happier without her, she didn't want to hurt her again. And she had never met Oak or the third tree son, they would surely not grant her admission to their group. Conflict roiled within her, the new information playing out over and over.