WC: 790
It wasn't Saul's fault that he was much more athletic than her; it was her own shortcomings that kept her from matching his pace. Coli would have told him this, but she was too winded to offer the explanation, opting instead to shake her head and wave her hand dismissively at his apology. He was too nice to humor her like this -- truly too kind for his own good, this Stormbringer. It was more than enough that he had given her a home here. If tending to this garden could in some way repay him, she would carry water here every morning, no matter how exhausting the trip.
The two toiled in comfortable silence; Coli gathering a pile of weeds beside her, Saul staking out the corners of their plot. When she idly voiced her question, he seemed startled; she glanced up, ears falling back submissively. Of course it was a sensitive topic, and she hadn't meant to pry into his affairs. A simple 'yes' or 'no' would have been enough of an answer for her, but instead the male opened up, revealing much more than Coli had expected. She blushed a little at the mention of sex, ducking her head shyly as she worked. She had been a little curious about Temeraire, but she would never have asked directly. Perhaps Saul had realized this. She thought she heard him whisper something else at the end, but she must have imagined it. She was distracted by the description Saul had given of his boyhood crush, which sounded uncomfortably similar to her own role in the ill-fated romance she had experienced.
Saul caught her gaze, having shown an honest glimpse into his past and expecting the same from her. She sighed heavily, fingers pausing in their work as she tried to gather the words. It wasn't something she had told Lilin yet, although Ezra and possibly Niernan knew pieces of the story. She wanted to get it off her chest, but it was difficult to admit that it was over. "Yeah, I... I was... I mean, I still am, but it can't... you know. I crushed on a female back in Dahlia, too," she said with a chuckle, referencing Saul's phrasing as an easy way to admit to her preferences. She did not know if anyone in the pack took issue with same-sex couples, but it wasn't something she felt she needed to hide any longer now that they trusted her. "But she wasn't a Dahlian, and eventually I left to join Crimson Dreams and be with her. It should have been our happy ending..." Her voice trailed off, remembering the winter they shared, cozy in their room in the manor as her tail was healing from its injury.
"I ruined it though. I... just get so anxious when there are expectations, pressure... I grew distant, scared I would not live up to her image of me. I stopped coming home at night, started wandering further away so I wouldn't have to deal with it..." She stared down at her muddy hands, lost in the gloomy memories. She had so many flaws, and she could only conceal them for so long. Saul deserved to know what a wreck she was anyway, he had already seen her break down over poor Conor's fate. He didn't need to feel guilty over bearing that news, now that he could see how depressed she was over everything else.
"...Well, it's obvious what had to happen; she moved on, I ran away. Took me nearly two years to come back, and I still haven't spoken to her even though I know where she is. Saul, if... if that girl you had a crush on, the one who left... if she ever came back and asked you to forgive her, asked if you still cared about her, do you think...?" She peered up at him, curiosity and a tint of desperation in her wide blue eyes. She knew how neurotic she was coming across, but once she started talking about it, it was hard for her to stem the flood. Did Saul believe in forgiveness the way Alder did, or did he bear a grudge toward his deserter? Anu still meant the world to her, because she was the only one to truly love Coli despite her flaws, even if it was her flawed personality that ended up hurting them both. Even if Anu would take her back, she might end up breaking the woman's heart all over again; was it better for her to stay away and suffer alone? She finally returned to her weeding task, reminding herself that it was possible to work and talk at the same time rather than freeze up completely.