WC: 704
"I'm sorry for dumping all this on you, Saul," Coli apologized earnestly, peeking up at him to make sure he was not annoyed with her. "I... wanted to start fresh here, make a better me. But I'm still a mess, and I guess I can't fix it without talking about it a little..." She never learned how to deal with emotions in a healthy and constructive way, and simply pushed the feelings down, season after season. Some days it felt like she was going to burst. She once again felt grateful for the peaceful stability Saul and Lilin had created; the longer she spent as a loner, the more likely it was for her to snap at the wrong wolf and end up torn apart.
"I just don't know if I should be trying to forget her, or trying to win her back," she mumbled, lightly tossing the discarded weed outside the border of their plot. She would carry the unwanted plants further away once they were done digging, so that they did not have a chance to go to seed and repopulate the area. "I... actually left word with a friend of hers that I was here, and that she was welcome to come join us... but there's no reason she would uproot her family for the likes of me. She is very forgiving, and I hope she doesn't bear a grudge against me, but it's just so unlikely that we could ever be together again after... I left her."
She wasn't a fool -- logic told her the odds again and again, but it also kept replaying the intimate memories of her only romance. She didn't want to give up, not after learning from Alder that there had been a misunderstanding. Coli ran away when she learned Anu was pregnant... anyone would have assumed the worst, that she had been betrayed. But it turned out Anu had asked a favor of a male friend with the hopes she and Coli could raise the children together, something Coli had always wanted... It was a cruel misunderstanding indeed, one that could have been cleared up if she had just confronted her love in the first place. Saul had made a valid point, though -- his feelings of attraction faded with time, and most likely Anu's had too. A weak friendship was probably all she could hope for now, and perhaps that was why it was easier to fantasize instead of taking action.
The rich, earthy scent of the loam Saul was upturning with his spade filled the air. Coli inhaled deeply and smiled, her clamoring insecurities quieted by the relaxing setting. "I'd rather spend my time in a garden anyway, plants are easier to deal with," she admitted wryly, a sentiment she had felt for most of her adult life. The warmth of the sun, the velvety feel of the soil between her pawpads, the delicate perfume of flower petals, these were things she could enjoy no matter how dark her thoughts were growing. She could let her regrets fall away from her, and enjoy the simple pleasure of nurturing those that did not speak. Her companion's words were measured and fair, and she was about to change the topic when one of his statements stood out in her mind. He had someone else in his life now?
Coli stared down at the stubborn weed she was trying to extirpate, racking her mind for any signs she could have noticed. Saul lived alone with his son, didn't he? She had noticed a few new scents around Jordheim recently, so there were some new members she had been too shy to introduce herself to... perhaps it was one of them? She didn't want to ask him, since they were already on such a delicate topic. Besides, she wasn't a gossip; she just wanted everyone to experience happiness. "I hope things are going well with your new someone," she murmured, glancing up to the tall wolf with a hint of mischief in her smile. Saul certainly deserved to be happy and loved, he was such a kindhearted and generous male. She hoped he would have better luck with this new love than he had in the past.