WC: 1027
The cloak was finely crafted from leather, soft grey rabbit fur lining the hood. It had been a goodwill gift from Emmanuelle Brenna of Inferni, two matching cloaks and necklaces for the leaders of Vinátta. Colibri had met her coyote friend and given her a small tour of her home, accepting the gifts on behalf of her pack, but neglecting to actually deliver them to her Virdings once Emma left. At first it had been sheer sentimentality. Coli did not have many friends, and she liked seeing the basket nestled in the corner of her otherwise sparse house. It reminded her of someone who genuinely liked her, which were few and far between. But she had not deigned to do anything with the contents until now. The summer weather was too warm to necessitate a cloak, but it was the best she could do under the circumstances; she did not own any clothing, nor had she ever worn it before. Clumsily she pulled the cloak over her thin shoulders and fastened it beneath her throat the way she had seen Emma wear hers, letting the flowing fabric drape over her body and conceal her from prying eyes. Since Saul had told her she had to be...
...Well, since Saul had spoken to her, she felt a fierce paranoia, a desperate need to hide her shame from the pack that was protecting her. Perhaps she could have concocted a story, a lie for them to believe and gossip about, but she did not have enough deceit in her. Openly lying to those she wanted to trust went against her submissive nature. Besides, Saul and Fritz had a good idea of the nasty truth, and perhaps other astute packmates had an inkling already. It was just so humiliating. And there was fear, too, the fear that kept her from ever crossing the border, the fear that the black dog would keep his promise and come back for her... or what was inside her. Of course she loathed him, but the sense of self-loathing ran deeper. She was weak, and she was broken, and now even her most secret desire had been tarnished and brought about in the worst way possible. She whined softly, pulling the hood over her ears as she stepped from her home out onto the grass. This was the same sort of mental anguish that had driven her from Crimson Dreams, and from Dahlia de Mai before that... but she could not run away again, not this time. She would fall to pieces if she had to do this on her own. She was terrified.
The sun was setting, shadows lengthening across the clearing. Coli still had most of this area to herself, as the influx of newcomers mostly chose the houses closer to the center. But there was one new scent, that of Temeraire Stormbringer; he had recently left his father's home and chosen his own house across from Coli's. She had not spoken much to the youth since she had been in such turmoil, but she would try to reach out to him soon. Not tonight, there was only one wolf in this pack that she could bear to open up to. Hopefully by nightfall, her sister would be home and willing to talk, or at least listen. Coli clutched at the cloak, holding it tightly together as she padded through Jordheim village. It would be painfully obvious what was afflicting her if she did not conceal her figure, and it would only grow more obvious as time dragged on. She wished for some sort of maternal wisdom, a female who had been through this before and could tell her how much of it was normal. It seemed as though she was the oldest female in Vinátta, though, and it was only her first time. What she would have given to have Anu hold her hand now! Bowing her hooded head, she hurried past a cluster of houses, setting her ears flat as she heard murmured voices conversing. She did not want to be noticed.
She was out of breath by the time she reached the house Saul and Lilin shared now. Coli leaned against the door, feeling dizzy and faint. She remembered the times she had collapsed in the summer heat -- in front of Sura first, and then again in front of Eclipse -- and felt the same weakness in her knees now. Was it all because of her condition? The night terrors, too, and the nausea? The aches in her joints, the nosebleeds, all of the bizarre and seemingly unrelated symptoms of an illness...? She was completely falling apart, and she would probably starve soon if she didn't ask for help. She made Saul promise he would not tell his mate, but Lilin deserved to know what was destroying her sister, even if it ruined the image she held of Colibri. After all, Lilin didn't know the full extent of what Haku had done to his first daughter, either. Her dysfunction ran deep, too deep for anyone to fathom now. She was beyond fixing.
Coli sniffled, feeling a wave of despair bring tears stinging to her eyes. This weepiness, the roiling emotions she could not control, it was probably another accursed symptom. It had gotten more difficult to keep a blank face these last few days, an implication that it would only get worse as the summer went on. She quickly scrubbed her eyes against the fabric of her cloak, pulling the hood back to reveal her face. "Lilin...?" she whispered softly, pleadingly. Of course her tiny voice would not be audible through the closed door, but it was her way of hoping Lilin would answer the door and Saul would not. Saul already knew what was wrong with her, so she could not pretend she was normal for him anymore. Finally she raised her hand and knocked, quickly readjusting the cloak to make sure she was fully covered. It had to be on her terms, if she was going to share this news. Cringing, she waited anxiously in the deepening shadows of nightfall for the door to open.