a fear i cannot shape

[Sofia]

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death thread for sofi . this is backdated a bit to when i actually still played sofi, you can pick whatever date is convenient for you though sie.

It had spread faster than predicted. She had been given 7-8 months, and only taken 5. Or was it 6? Maybe it had been 7, after all. You would think in her situation keeping track of time would be ridiculously important, but it was hard to keep track of anything once she lost the ability to walk. It had only been a week or two ago, hadn't it? She was dizzy with hunger, but not dying from it yet. Or maybe she was. Maybe all she needed was just a warm rabbit in her belly. But as stupid as she sounded, she.. felt that this was different. Her joints were swollen, and her left ankle felt broken, maybe. It was hard to pick out one sharp pain from another. She tried to walk, despite the pain, but hadn't even been able to stumble more than a step or two.

The latest development was that it hurt to breathe, now. This was it, wasn't it? She had read on the piece of paper that the final step was when it metastasized to the lungs. Was this just psychosomatic, terror causing a tightness of the chest, fear restricting airways? Or were things starting to end, now? No amount of preparation, no time spent on mental exercises, on adventures and living life the way it should be lived.. Nothing made this okay. Ever. But.. Sofia was so tired.

It wasn't that she didn't care, she did, she cared more than anything, because this.. was everything. But emotions and thoughts seemed like so much effort. Everything just seemed.. faded, like there was a thick layer of fog between wherever it was she existed and the points of contact to the outside world. No, not just the outside world, but.. all points of contact. To memories, to opinions, to thoughts on anything. It was a struggle to build that bridge, to push blindly through the fog.

Her eyes flickered and closed, and a whimper she couldn't recall summoning slipped out from her slightly parted lips. The bottom of her cave floor was smooth stone, cool to the touch. There were coyotes nearby, she was sure.. It was a shame she was going to die alone, but she brought it on herself by not trying harder to make connections when life had started getting harder. That would have been the smart thing to do, honestly, not to hole up in this cave.. this cave.. this grave.

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