i am sand
#1
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Tammi! Set at his den.


Perhaps Markku had been right, after all. Attila had never had a problem with his mother; he didn't have any reasons to deny her a visit, especially after it had been so long since they'd last met. Their last decent conversation had been in, what, November? He shuddered at the thought--had he even seen her for his birthday? Pausing a moment as the clouds parted enough to spare a few minutes' worth of warming sunlight, Attila considered his recent activity in AniWaya. He hadn't seen Dawali since he'd reappeared again, and now that he thought about it, they probably could have ducked into his den alongside the river and seen it hadn't been disturbed in months. A majority of the winter he spent elsewhere, although Attila could not exactly track where he'd been and when--it was all a blur, really, mingled with memories of alcohol and a few beautiful faces that flashed before his eyes for mere seconds before he forgot them all over again. For all he knew, he could have been kicked out of AniWaya, and yet there he was again, striding with neck extended and head held high, as if he not only never left at all, but owned the place as well. He was Attila Aston, after all, and if nothing else than he was more important than his useless siblings and surely someone to be prized in a dull, uneventful dump like this one.


The sun disappeared again behind fast-moving clouds, and seconds later it lightened the grass and vanished once more. He couldn't tell if the sky was begging to rain or shine, but the Aston boy didn't much care for nature and weather. Instead, he shifted to his two-legged form and dug out the fishing pole he'd tucked away somewhere in the depths of his den upon returning. It was really a very fortunate thing for Attila to have crafted; he could nap with it in his fingers and thus still look like he'd been doing something useful for once. Climbing the small hill that doubled as his den's roof, the white boy settled himself beneath the tree, situated the pole, and tossed its line into the water down below. The sweetness of the wind touched at his face, danced at the curls before his eyes--and before long, Attila Aston was fast asleep.

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#2
[html]Omg how dare he sleep when Tayui is here for a visit! >:{ Also, playing it off as if Attila had his own bachelor's pad (his den) before he left, just so Tayui knows where she is going. Hope that is okay! Big Grin (WC:410)


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And so the prodigal son had returned. She had heard it from some folks that her son had come back, along with his sister and his aunt. She discovered their returns slowly, and even discovered that Aurèle had returned with a young boy at her heels, whom Tayui assumed was her son. Somehow, their return gave her both great joy and great sadness: knowing that they came back for whatever reason made her happy beyond belief, but now she worried that they would one day depart again. If Tayui had left her birth pack so quickly, and if Noir and Attila had left their birth packs so easily, why would they not choose to leave again? Aurèle, too, was a bit of a mystery to Tayui; although they both followed their own paths, Aurèle's had taken her on a journey composed more of solitude, while Tayui had sought refuge in a pack.


Nonetheless, she was glad to know her son had returned. No matter how much trouble he caused, who he riled up or how many times Claudius had returned in tears, Attila was still her son. Both of her sons were her children, and even if they were as different as night and day, she still loved them.


So, Tayui had decided to take a walk down to see if Attila was in his den. She suspected he would return to his hideaway; his home away from home (while still in his home, AniWaya), and she had guessed right. She had not, however, expected to find him fast asleep beneath a tree above his den. She did not want to wake him, so she settled down beside him, finding a comfortable position to lie down in. She did not want to encroach and scare him when he woke up, but if he needed to sleep, it was best she let him. Unfortunately, Tayui was not that patient, and had not seen her son in months. Her decision was made.


"Attila!" she said, swatting at the boy lightly with her paw. "Wake up, Tilly," she teased, using a diminutive she thought of on the spot. "You return, don't even visit me to say hello, and fall asleep when I come to visit you. You're in serious trouble mister," she joked, not even sure if he was awake. She rolled over to watch him wake up, smirking mischievously. He should have anticipated her visit. By all accounts, this was Attila’s fault for not finding her sooner.

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#3
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Yes'm. :3


What was he dreaming of? Ah, it was so lovely, in such a warm, pleasant place; perhaps he had been shrouded in clouds of pink and purple, cradling his every muscle and bone in its cushioning embrace. There had been a girl there, her face framed with the softest of gold, and for a time he knew who she was. She drew close, succumbing to his open arms, her breath on his neck, and-- and--


The fishing pole flicked out of his fingers in surprise, the boy blinking his icy eyes awake. He glanced this way and that--where was he? Where was that woman, that beautiful girl? The sunlight blazed into his eyes and he quickly pushed it away with a hand raised to his brow. The sound of his mother's voice slowly filtered through his sleepy ears, and soon enough her son was gaping at her eye-to-eye, as puzzled and forlorn as ever. With a long exhalation, the Aston boy relaxed his back and leaned against the tree one more, rubbing at his temples. "Aww, I hate that name, mom," he groaned, then straightened himself up and retrieved the fishing pole from the grass. Had it been flung much further, it might have been unintentionally surrendered to the river below.


She scolded him, and though her tone lacked the maternal disappointment he'd learned to recognize easily, the boy's snowed ears flipped back against his skull quickly and he turned his eyes elsewhere. It was no different than when he teased or pushed Claudius around--he was always scolded for it, and Attila could only pout like a child at it. He wanted to say he'd never really left like had initially planned, but somehow the boy could not bring himself to do it. Not after that scolding, anyway. "I... I wasn't gone that long," he tried, fiddling with his fingers. "I was gonna stop by today, I swear. Markku's been bugging me and everything, and I mean, I've only been back a couple days, and..." he trailed off. The owl wasn't going to help him now. Whether or not his mother was actually upset, Attila didn't really have any good explanations for himself.

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#4
Big Grin! (WC: 404)

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The first thing to come out of her son's mouth after such a long absence was exactly what she had expected. Tayui smiled warmly in reply at her son, glad he had his wits about him, despite how tired he probably was. She knew she was probably to blame for this; after all, she was waking him from hit fitful slumber. Of course, that didn't mean he would be getting off easy. She had missed him, and she certainly hoped he had missed her. She wanted to catch up with her son on all of the wild adventures she was certain he'd experienced, and see how he'd changed. Being a loner changed one's outlook on life. Suddenly, hunting became lonely and taxing. Suddenly, silence seemed more oppressive, and less of an escape. Tayui had only lived as a loner for two months in between the disbandment of Shadowed Sun and the formation of AniWaya. Even then, she had spent time with Vedr, so it had not been too lonely. But she knew it was different from her previous way of life.


When Attila elaborated, Tayui frowned this time. She turned it into a mocking smile, shaking her head slowly.


"So you were only going to visit me because your spirit guide was pestering you to do so? If you'd never found Markku, maybe you would have let your poor mother rot away in her den!" she exclaimed. She gesticulated with her forelegs to emphasize the wretchedness of such a fate. Her own son! How could he even think of doing that to his mother dearest? Or perhaps, more appropriately, how could Tayui scold her son with more jests than jeers and take this all so lightly? She knew that she had given all of her children a lot of room to grow and develop. Perhaps this had contributed to her son’s wild nature, and perhaps the lack of structure in their lives had pushed Claudius to hide in his den. She could only accept what she had done and move on with her life and continue to be a good mother to her children. Thus, when Attila returned home without so much of a hello, she took it in stride and sought him out. She really only wanted what was best for her son. She reached out with her right foreleg to swat at him affectionately.


"I missed you, kiddo," she emphasized, smiling warmly.



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#5
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I haven't roleplayed something like this since Maluki was a pup. ;-;


Clamping his teeth shut, the poor Aston boy regretted his words almost immediately. Regardless of whether she was kidding with him, Attila had grown used to scoldings and accusations of being thoughtless and thus his reaction was always the same: averted eyes, flattened ears, and a long, thick pout as if he'd become a child all over again. At her words, her son feebly pushed and straightened the bandana across his forehead in an attempt to detach himself, but it was no use. Damn that owl, always getting him in trouble one way or another--and as if summoned, Markku seemed to appear straight out of thin air, hanging over them with typical wide eyes in the budding branches above. Attila glanced up at him, briefly distracted, before she gave him a swat and a reassuring smile. He returned it, though his brows remained furrowed and mildly apologetic.


"If I promise to stay this time, will you let it go? I missed you too." he was kidding, of course, and spoke through a shallow smile. The Aston boy chuckled briefly, glanced his iced eyes at the barn owl again, and remembered just how much had changed since he'd last spoken with her. His eyes drooped and his smile faded slowly, turning his eyes next to the pole in his hands and pausing long before he spoke again.


Attila pushed a curl from his eyes. "My owl... died, mom," he said finally, gaze stiff. After a moment, he shrugged his shoulders; its memory still lived fresh in his mind, and knowing that its death was as much his fault as the accidental tumble from a roof and subsequent broken wing when Attila had first stumbled on the poor chick. While he was grateful that Markku had changed form as if to keep the owl's memory alive, the Aston boy couldn't help but remember the loss each time he glanced at his spirit guide. Wounds were healing with time, but that wouldn't bring the owl back. "I didn't mean for it to happen--there was a fox... Markku changed and took on its body, I guess." He motioned briefly up at the owl in the tree, who peered down at them but felt it necessary to remain silent considering the subject matter.


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#6
B'aww D: But Tayui loves him so it is okay! y/n? (WC: 519)

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Tayui watched quietly as Attila took in her words. Although she had wanted to keep this meeting light and cheerful, she couldn’t fool herself any longer. She had been hurt by his disappearance, and even though she still took responsibility for her part in this, she still felt saddened by her son’s sudden disappearance. All but Claudius had left her, and although she still had Honoré with her, he wasn’t her son. Attila was, and she had missed him sorely. His reaction to her words only confirmed this, and for a moment, Tayui felt guilty for making him feel bad. But at the same time, she had felt rather lonely without her vibrant children by her. She missed them – all of them, for they were all unique. She missed having to try to keep Attila from concocting mischievous plans, trying to keep Ocèane from wandering out of AniWayan territory where she could get hurt when she had been young, ensuring that Noir’s army of small, cute creatures were safe, and keeping Claudius occupied. She felt like she hadn’t done a lot, but she had missed being a mother.

No, she felt ridiculous. Only moments ago, she had resolved to take responsibility for her actions. She was Attila’s mother, and a lot of her decisions had a great impact on her son. Now, all she could feel regret. What was wrong with her?

“Of course!” Tayui replied quickly, realizing then she might have hurt him with her jests. She frowned, realizing that her son really had changed in her absence. She would get to know him again and hopefully fix their relationship. Attila spoke again, causing Tayui to frown once more.

“I’m sorry, sweetie,” she said quietly. She sat up properly, and then pushed herself to her feet. She paused for a moment, and then laid her head on her son’s shoulder. If she were in her Optime form like he was, she would have embraced him. Instead, she settled for this, pressing her cheek against his in consolation. “It’s not your fault. It’s the way of the world; foxes and wolves are predators,” she added hesitantly. Certainly, he knew this, but it helped her to know that his owl’s death was a part of the cycle of life and death. It happened, for a reason; perhaps to help the fox feed its family. Perhaps so that Markku could assume a new form.

“But you still have Markku,” she noted. “And me; I love you, Attila.” She still had not found her spirit guide. In fact, she had not even tried. She had met many spirit guides, but not her own. She did not know if it was because she lacked some sort of faith, or if she had seen enough ghosts in her time and did not want to see another. Her meeting with Nayati had left her somewhat perplexed, wondering how these real AniWayans could hold so many beliefs. They had faith in things they could see, such as spirit guides, but also attached folly meaning to names and words. Tayui still did not know how she felt about this.


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#7
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You'll have to excuse this being bad or short... I wrote almost the entire post and then my boyfriend closed Firefox checking something. x_x I can't stand writing things twice.


Attila breathed relief that his mother was willing to let the whole ordeal go so easily. He had always known her to be laid back when it came to his freedom to do things, but the alarm and distress that had so terribly possessed her eyes were intimidating, and he doubted how much freedom he was actually allowed to have. He simply smiled and nodded in reply, choosing not to comment on the spiraling comments in his head.


Attila knew he had only lost the owl, and in retrospect, he was lucky. The Aston boy had disappeared from AniWaya several times before for differing spans of time, but his family and tribe had always welcomed him back with open arms. He had been fond of that little owl, however--it had turned into a pet of sorts, after a time--and its death lay heavily on his soul as guilt. Attila could only wonder if the sentimentality Noir had for her stupid doll was something similar--and if it was, the Aston boy could understand why she had such a connection with it. However, Toefur was only a doll, Noir was over a year old and still cuddling it, and Attila thus had no reason not to push her around at it. How else would she ever grow the hell up?


"Thanks, mom... I love you too." He smiled sadly, the sense of her touch bringing comfort. He brushed his cheek against her and licked at her ear just once, teasingly. Though the boy's white ears were still pressed back, he realized the presence of his mother was something he had missed, though he'd never taken the time to realize it. "Where's Claudius, anyway? And Oceane? I saw Noir--she still had that stupid doll." He grunted, scratching at his ear. He wanted to ask where his father was as well, but he hesitated.



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#8
's okay! I hate when that happens. Sad (WC: 337)

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Tayui was silent as her son thought. She could see that he was mulling over a number of thoughts, some which altered his expression ever so slightly, while others caused him to pause and almost frown. Instead of worrying over what was going through her son's head, Tayui simply waited for him to be ready to talk again. She did not want to push him to speak to her if it made him uncomfortable. However, she had done this with all of her children ever since they had been born. It was as if her coping mechanism -- her way of ignoring what was going on around her -- was allowing her children come to her in their own time. Perhaps she had relied on them to stay silent, expecting that they would not want to talk to her. But that couldn't be true; she wanted to be close to all of her children, not just the ones that were too afraid to go on a walk on their own. She loved Claudius, truly, but he was afraid of absolutely everything.


She leaned in to the embrace, smiling quietly when her son returned her affections. She had missed him: she had missed his antics, his trouble making, and everything that made him who he was. She had missed all of it.

“Claudius is back in the den, reading I think. He's been trying to teach himself a lot of things, like dyeing. I haven't seen Ocèane in months, but I did see Noir. She does still have her doll,” she replied, pausing. She did not want Attila to make fun of his sister any more about Toefur. No matter what, Noir loved it, and even if Attila thought it was stupid, well, he could just keep quiet about it.

She began to speak, but paused. She wanted to ask Attila if he had seen her, but it was unlikely. It didn't sound like he knew, but she decided to ask anyways.

“Have you heard anything from Oce?”

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#9
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It surprised him how little he knew of that other sister of his. Claudius had always taken the brunt of his bullying and teasing for his cowardliness--Attila always won, after all, and that feeling of dominance was like lifeblood in his veins. Noir had taken whatever teasing he could still throw out, and she deserved it! Attila had gotten his aunt to make him multicolored gloves sometime in his youth, and to this day he was not sure how he ever had worn such monstrosities--not in craft, of course, Aurele had done a fine job, but in fashion. Noir had never grown out of cuddling that octopus doll and pretending it to be her best of friends. When would she ever have a reality check without him? His mother should have been thanking him.


But Ocèane? Attila felt as if he knew very little about her. In fact, the two may have gotten along better than the rest, but he didn't remember her as being too terribly likeminded with he. Thinking back on it now, Attila considered that his sister had probably rarely given him much chance to tease and bully her as he did the other two siblings, but he was almost positive such behavior had been turned on her as well at some point or another. He'd had to make sure they knew he wasn't weak despite being one of the youngest, and thus his behavior made complete sense to Attila.


"No, nothing," he replied, his answer earnest. He hadn't really been looking for her, though. His mother sank a little; Attila was aware how much they meant to her, and knew that while his return was very reassuring for her, his disappearance in the first place was detrimental. It was good to know that Claudius was trying to make himself good for something--who knew when a skill like dyeing could come in handy--but Attila knew that if he were to make an appearance to his brother, Claudius would corner himself, tail between legs, and whine dusk to dawn. Attila resisted smirking at the thought. It was all really rather funny. "I'm sorry. She'll probably be back in no time, just wait." He offered his best reassuring smile, then flicked his ears back when his thoughts moved on.


Still hesitating, Attila cleared his throat and finally cracked open the question. He'd wondered about it since he'd left and all the while he was gone, and upon returning decided it was time to ask. "Why don't you ever talk about dad?" he asked quietly, iced eyes averting elsewhere.



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#10
WC: 516

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Attila's response only affirmed Tayui's suspicions. Her two daughters, though both kind and sweet, were as different as Attila and Claudius. Where Noir was gentle and caring, Ocèane had been rambunctious and full of adventure. Though they both had enjoyed their own respective "adventures," the manner had differed quite a lot. The fact that Attila had heard nothing from Ocèane only served to solidify Tayui's thoughts about her daughter. The girl was a free spirit; Tayui had caught her trying to sneak out of AniWaya, and had intervened in a riverside near-disaster, so she knew a bit about her daughter. She suspected Oce was still out experiencing what the world had to offer. She could only hope the chocolate-furred girl would return.

Attila tried to offer his consolations, but in the end, Tayui knew he was just trying to comfort her. His good intentions rang hollow, since they both knew she would return when and if she wanted to. Tayui could only hope to hear from her sometime and know that she was alright.

“Hmm,” she replied, offering nothing more than a small shrug. She gave him one last warm nuzzle before sitting back on her haunches. She gave him his space, aware that she could be over-protective sometimes.

His question, however, caused her warm smile to fade into a small frown. How could she answer something like that? Attila probably suspected his father was just a vagabond male or an ex-mate. She could not tell him that his father was actually a fanatical, sadistic, twisted, vile man. Especially not after she had uttered wishings of his destruction. He would resent her for avoiding the question, but there was no way she could tell them now, if ever. The Soul side of their family was dead and buried; he had no place in their lives. The only one she would ever introduce them to might be Colibri, their grandmother. They had a right to know her if she ever returned. But she intended to keep her children's lineage a secret for their sake and her own.

“Because...” she began, her frown deepening. “He's not your father like most fathers are. You descend from him, but he's not your dad.” She sighed, trying to figure out a way to explain this without giving away who Attila's father was. Tayui wanted to explain how Attila's father had been a small part of a long process, and that Haku's involvement was minimal. That Haku was by no rights their father. That Dawali, of anyone in the tribe, had perhaps earned the title of some sort of surrogate or honourary father and that Haku had earned nothing. That the one person Tayui had truly loved was dead, and if Attila should have ever had a second parental figure, it should have been Shaeniire. “I never loved him. I loved someone, years ago. They should have been your father. They're dead now, and I wish they could have been. Your father doesn't deserve a son like you,” she finally concluded. She didn't know how to say it any other way.


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#11
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His mother was such a kindly, gentle type; he did not understand why it was so hard for her to speak about his father, but heavy feelings of doubt and doom spread within his chest. She seemed to hang on every word, unsure how to admit them and did so with the utmost caution. Had he sparked bad memories? What exactly was being left unsaid? Tayui failed even to given him a name, to put a tag on a faceless entity, but perhaps she wished not even that for her son. His ears flicked back. What had this man done to be denied even his son? He had indeed not been a father nor involved in Attila's aging process, but for some reason the boy couldn't blame him. The way Tayui was acting only inspired more curiosity in the Aston boy. Instead of feeling threatened, he felt almost awed.


She spoke of another lover, once upon a time, who in the end did not persevere. "Who?" he asked suddenly, no thought process prior to its birth. Attila was less interested in dead men, but perhaps it was the concept of his mother in love that intrigued him; he believed himself to have been born devoid of that passion, or at least unconcerned with it thus far in life. Sure, Attila had loved many women, but had not loved them in that process. It was intriguing to he that so many were hooked on that emotion and allowed it to drive their lives. Attila Aston, however, was in full control.


He sat back against the tree and forced himself to relax. Boggling his mother with questions was inappropriate, especially seeing how nervous it made her, but didn't he have the right? She'd denied him that information for over a year, and he'd already suffered through a childhood without a father. At least with information, he would be mentally satisfied. "What happened, mom? If you didn't love him, what happened?" Of course, Attila could make assumptions; perhaps his father had been in the same boat his son commonly was, and in the end Tayui was not as fortunate. He wanted to know, however--had he, the apple, not fallen far from the tree?


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#12
Tayui is just like: how do I say "one night stand" without sounding like a hobag? Lawl

WC: 375

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Tayui watched her son in silent contemplation, tracking each of his movements and facial expressions. While Attila fumbled with this new information -- or, more appropriately, vague avoidance of disclosing any information -- Tayui was watching him carefully, trying to plan her next move. The father Attila truly deserved had been a woman, and the father he had gotten was a monster, born and bred. As long as Haku was alive, he would never know of his four children. Hopefully, with this latest war, he would finally be destroyed. It had been her own fault, too. She'd wanted attention and love. The danger had appealed to her: sleeping with a monster and taming him with her touch. Perhaps she had not so much tamed him as she had sedated him. She was still alive, and so were her children; but at what cost? Attila was right: it was unfair, but she still could not tell him. No, Tayui loved her son too much for that.

“Shaeniire Vanim,” Tayui replied confidently, pausing for a moment, but continuing: “was my mate when I was a member of Jaded Shadows, and even through death as a ghost. Eventually, the afterlife beckoned.” She frowned, recalling the events. There was an entire family Attila had that he knew nothing about. “We adopted two children together: Ember Agaric and Agani de'Luah. Ember Phoenix is named after Ember Agaric. We adopted her after my two good friends, her parents, died. After Shaeniire died, Agani ran off and Ember died. But Ember's mother was named Rain Oriel, so I suppose you have a family in them as well.” But even they were more of a family then Haku would ever be. Ember, and even Aidan, had a place in her home that Haku never would.

Attila's second question added another angle to the problem. How could she put this delicately? How could she tell her son that the first man she'd met who was willing to sleep with her was the one who impregnated her? There had to be some sort of cruel coincidental humour in there. Somewhere.

“It was one night. I never loved him. I might have felt other things toward him, but it wasn't love. Passion, certainly, but not love.”


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#13
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The boy's ears flattened as she began, speaking of ghosts and beckoning death. Her son's iced eyes narrowed, clouded with questions and mild frustration; was she admitting to seeing spirits of the dead? He bit his tongue. That shouldn't have seemed as strange as it did to him, considering he himself was chased by a snide barn owl only he could hear. Typically, he might have followed in his aunt's footsteps and grown skeptical of all that spiritual nonsense, but the fact that he'd actually stumbled upon what appeared to be his own personal spirit guide (and not a case of schizophrenia) told him he needed to believe.


But ghosts? That didn't seem possible. His mother didn't even had a spirit guide, as far as he knew. Was she even capable? Her son had found his way even before she, and he was not nearly the spiritual creature she was. Attila didn't deserve the kindness the spirits brought him like his mother did. "You saw ghosts?" he grimaced, glowing skepticism in his cool, thinned eyes. She rattled off a number of names of relatives he should have cared about, but didn't. He recognized Ember Phoenix, of course, though their interactions had been limited and he knew little of her.


It was the last of her words he believed most, and the rudeness in his eyes lifted immediately. They did not fill with compassion nor sympathy, but a complete emptiness instead--he was a product of a night lacking love, and he had raised himself in the same fashion. How many women had he loved, but never learned their names? No pain passed within his chest and there was no frustration or disgust with his mother. The expression on his face was indifferent, though his brows were raised. The Aston boy had not expected Tayui to admit to something like that. "I understand," he said straight-faced, resisting a smile, resisting to let on that he knew those feelings all too well and delighted in them plentifully. "It happens, I guess. Just think what you got out of it, right?" The smile finally shown through, and he winked--that night of loveless passion had brought Attila Aston here, after all, and he didn't mind that one bit.


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#14
WC: 323

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“Yes,” Tayui repeated, refusing to feel any emotions but certainty. There were many things she was absolutely certain of in her life, and this was one of them. She could not waver, because if she did, it would feel like her love for Shaeniire was wavering, and she would never betray Shaeniire. It might have been years ago, but the return of her children had only rekindled the memories. She had not buried them or forced herself to forget: instead, she had learned from previous times that the real answer was to accept them and embrace the memories.

She debated whether she should tell Attila about her childhood ghosts. How Aurèle thought she was mad, and how she hated had Tayui for it thinking she only wanted the attention. The truth, too, would sound preposterous. She could not tell the difference between the living and the deceased; but that was a story for another time. She seriously doubted that Attila was interested in her childhood now. He was out for the truth about his father, and all she could do was ensure he never found out. Not now.

A smile broke out across her face as Attila spoke again. Her grin was silly and wide as she returned her son’s wink.

“You’re all the best thing that could have happened to me,” she admitted truthfully. “I may not have ever loved him, but know I will always love you.” She grinned again, nuzzling her son one more time for good measure. No matter what she thought about Haku, she needed her son to know she loved him. Even if he had to leave and come back one hundred times to realize it, she would always love him. He could put up a brave front and try to understand, but she wanted him to know for certain that her love for him would never be hindered by her lack of love for his father.



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#15
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The concept of his mother seeing ghosts perplexed him, though the boy wasn't sure why. Spirits and spirit guides were considered the norm in a place like AniWaya—those who lacked them were more unusual than not. How was it Tayui had seen these ghosts and was so certain of it and yet never met a spirit guide for herself? If what she said was true, it wasn't the case that she wasn't capable of seeing spirits, nor that her disbelief in them would bar her from the opportunity. Something wasn't adding up, and Attila hesitated to ask if she was omitting something from him. He glanced at her with questions in his eyes, even as she spoke of her love for him. A smile accompanied those questions soon, but before he could say more, the fishing pole in his fingers twitched.


"A bite," he blinked, iced eyes flashing back to the pole and water below. His grin widened, thrilled and excited, as he fought with the fish below just briefly before managing to yank it up onto the shore, where it flipped and flailed wildly. A decent size, too, and the Aston boy struggled to hold the damn thing down as it thrashed about. "Look at this porker!" he beamed, the pearls of his grin flashing menacingly beneath the sun. When the fish finally stilled, he presented it to his mother with an adapted, snide smile, "Not too bad for a useless son, huh?"


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#16
333.
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There were questions in his eyes, but as soon as it looked like he was ready to voice them, fate intervened. Or perhaps, it was simply coincidence. Regardless, Attila forgot his questions as soon as he got a bite, and Tayui quickly forgot what she was going to add as well. She leaned over the edge, peering down in to the water to see what was going on, but retreated quickly once Attila managed to pull the fish up on shore. She flinched when the fish splashed her with water, and then laughed. She shook her fur out a bit and began to examine the fish. Attila noted its size and Tayui nodded, wondering what type of fish it was. She had never been one for hunting in her Optime form, always preferring to use her Secui form, so the concept of fishing was fairly alien to her.

Tayui was about to compliment Attila on his fine catch when he added another comment at the end. She frowned and shook her head, wondering why he would ever think that of himself. He had talent – many talents, in fact – and he had just shown her one of them. He could do things she could not, and she could not comprehend how any of that would make him “useless.”


“Certainly not,” she replied firmly, her tone strict and authoritative. “That’s quite a skill for so talented a son,” she affirmed. She would not allow her son to delude himself into thinking he was somehow inferior to other luperci out there. There was no reason to even think of such a thing! Even if he was still feeling guilty for leaving, she did not want him to carry that guilt for too long. He had made his decision, and although it had pained her, she had accepted it. She did not necessarily understand it, but she could relate to it in a few ways. There was no way he was as useless as he perceived himself.



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#17
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She was quick to push aside his self-damaging remarks, predictable as the mother she was. She loved him dearly, he knew; Tayui had always been gentle with he and his siblings, performing well as a first-time mother when their father was absent. Never before this conversation had she made mention of him, really. Attila had always figured she wanted to handle raising her children on her own, unconcerned with the whereabouts of their father. She had done well, though her children each grew to be suspiciously strange—Noir and her doll, Claudius' constant wimpyness, Attila the bully, and... well, Oceane had been oddly fond of fire despite her name.


He grew up knowing he was loved and safe. He knew he was probably the last of his siblings she would brag about for his tendencies in behavior, and yet still she pushed that he was talented and she was proud of him. His ears flicked, first forward intently, then back. She did not know his ways, did not know the many things he had done she would never approve of. The countless women of the night, the hundreds of faces he had never put names to, the hundreds more he'd stepped on for his own pleasures. The Aston boy did not regret a thing—but it shamed him to know Tayui had tried desperately to raise him well, and although she praised him, he was not and had never been the son she perceived him to be.


Iced eyes fell as his arm lowered the still fish, laying it across his lap. "I've done a lot of things, mom," he admitted finally, tone grave and eyes averted. "Catching fish is all I'm good for now." And I'm no better than the father I never had.


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#18
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Tayui closed her eyes, nodding slowly when Attila admitted the guilt that had been weighing him down this entire time. This was perhaps the root of his insecurities. He was ashamed of what he had done, and now for some reason, believed the only thing he was good at was fishing. He even seemed a little insecure or uncertain about the fishing. Or, perhaps, it was the only thing he thought he was honestly good at, and perhaps the thought depressed him. Tayui doubted the truthfulness of that thought; from what she recalled, he had been quite talented at handling and racing horses, and she knew he could develop many other talents if he wanted to. She would do everything in her power to support him, no matter what he chose to do.

As soon as she opened her eyes, she saw the sad look in her son's eyes. She wanted to reach out and comfort him, but he was not so young that he would be placated by only a hug.

“We all have, Attila,” she replied calmly. Certainly, she had hers. She regretted far too much to think about it every single day, but they were there. Her regrets and worries loomed over her head, and when she had first arrived at Jaded Shadows, all she had done was think about them. She had spent so much time dreaming and eventually trying to get away from her regrets that she had forgotten how to live. “But you need to move on. There are some regrets you can never forget, but there are others you can learn from and continue on. You can’t let it kill you.” There was more to life than just that.

“You can fish and have a way when you handle horses. And after living on your own, I’m sure you’ve learned some skills to get by. You’re ashamed of what you’ve done, but there’s plenty to be proud of,” she added. After all, she was still proud of him.


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