Shiloh had been without Saxif for so long that she was sure she didn't love her anymore. She was trying to keep it together but Orin had made her notice just how much her heart hurt over slowly losing her. She couldn't deal with it, couldn't handle the thought of losing her. She was back in bed, her hands running over her scabbed stomach. It was healed for the most part except where the whip had hit the center. Bright pink skin seemed to glow on her stomach and she kept running her fingers over the lines that where her reminder of how weak she was. She just wanted to touch her, know that the woman she loved wasn't just a figment of her imagination.

"What I wouldn't do to see you... Saxif..." she said touching the fox she wore around her neck. She let her tears go and the pain she felt lose some. She wanted her mate back. She wanted to feel loved. She rolled over and sat up, pulling off the neckless for the first time since she had lost her family and throwing it across the room. "You were WRONG father... I cannot be loved. She is leaving me..." she cried to herself. Shiloh knew she was walking death, too skinny, with her ribs showing and her face holding tear lines that had turned her fur a lighter shade of grey. She touched her chest where her heart beat painfully and started to see stars. "Make it stop... make my pain go away," she whispered

Saxif had lain upon a branch near the border of her foreign home for a better part of the day. She missed being in AniWaya, since leaving it felt that nothing was right. Her mind had constantly fallen into a depression she had never known; would things ever be right again? Her dreams as of late had been terrifying and disturbing often she saw her mate’s other whom she couldn’t bear to see. Often it ended with Saxif’s rage and guilt, blood often drenched her fur. The dreams so vivid and surreal that she awoke deeply saddened and troubled. She missed the way things use to be, the way her heart beat around Shiloh, the way her body felt stronger prouder to have her by her side. Now she felt nothing but fear, terror and disbelief like it was all nothing but one long nightmare. She had been weeping often which had been a very noticeable change if anyone were to ever see it. She had not only been avoiding her mate but those that inhabited this land. If things were different, circumstances were changed she would have loved it here she knew it... but things were not as she wanted them. She rubbed her chest and felt the pain rise up again within her heart; she ached for Shiloh’s love, her touch, every bit of adoration that often caused her own heart to skip her pride to explode just to have her. She knew it was still there for the gray female but Saxif feared she had lost it within her own heart, she just was not sure anymore.

She had not spoken to her for so long; she had not slept in the home that was supposed to be theirs since the first week of arriving. She couldn’t stand the foreign expressions; the strange look in the female’s eyes sometimes she swore even the scent was different but felt it was her imagination. It all just reminded her of tales of demons that her mother and grandmother told her. Saxif chuckled half-heartedly she had never been one for superstition for ghost stories and such but when it seemed to be happening to her and the one she loved it horrified the pale wolf. She rubbed the spiral wound a constant reminder of the night things had changed forever. She understood slightly the pain that her mate often felt for her own scars. That was it; no more... she needed to see her, needed confirm she was still safe. She leapt from the branch embracing the pain of the long fall. It was obvious in her body just how much of her pain she focused in her training, in her obsession with perfection. Hunting, running, target practice, push-ups, pull-ups, etc. Her body was more muscle than anything the shapely figure more apparent. She knew if she kept it up she would damage her body but she just couldn’t stop.

She shifted to her lupus form as she often did when she snuck “home”. She felt she could only love her mate from a distance her heart pained by Shiloh’s change. Not just the change in her mind or soul but the change in her body as well. The stress was clear, the pain so obvious in the slender form of her emaciated mate. She always left her food but it was clear she was not eating it, she brought her wood to burn but she never burnt so at night Saxif often set a fire to keep her warm. She wanted to do more but she feared if she ever came into contact with her again she would lose that feeling she felt deep in her heart. That special place reserved just for her mate. The house became apparent in the distance. Her heart beat faster knowing she would be awake. She had to push herself to quietly open the door but when she did it was easy to move forward. Her paws made no sound she knew every creaking board on the way toward Shiloh’s room. She usually waited until night to see her; she would sit at the side of her bed just watching her breathe remembering every detail of the time when everything was perfect. Often she left if the scarred girl stirred even the slightest.

She noticed something near the slightly open door and knew just what it was from a glance. It was the fox Shiloh wore around her neck. For it to be on the floor was unheard of... she had never seen it leave her neck. She lowered her head her chest aching... Shiloh is in deep pain. That act, the thoughts, the extra bravery to see her mate during the daylight hours was enough.

That was it... she could not avoid her any longer... whether she was walking into meeting the other that had finally taken her love from her or to see her mate just as she did at night, that was it. Shiloh needed her to be there for her... she took a long breath and the time that passed staring at the wooden figure was unknown to her. She nudged the door open her focus purely on the tiny fox. She did not say a word just took the figure in her mouth and brought it to her mate’s lap. She whimpered and couldn’t handle the distance the light brush of her fur just under her maw was the most contact she had with Shiloh since Kavi forced her away trying to be friends. She wanted the single act to be all for the day but the scent of her filled her nostrils. Almost like she felt no control over herself she pushed her face into Shiloh’s belly rubbing her cheek against her craning her neck to press against her. The lupus hug was awkward not as smooth and natural as they once were with Shiloh. Though it was enough for her... could she leave with just that? She did not know but she knew she wanted it to last forever... to feel her warmth her bare skin. She started to pull away knowing she could not look into those eyes especially if they were not Shiloh’s.

Shiloh had been leaned forward, her head in her hands, her arms on her legs when Saxif came in. No, not Saxif. Just her mind playing her emotions. She watched the cream wolf go over to her thrown necklace and pick it up. No... it couldn't be Saxif. She had longed to see her in person for so long that her mind often went to her in her dreams. At night she could swear she could feel her touch, see her when she opened her eyes. One moment she was there and the next she was gone and in the morning her scent would linger like some sick joke, pulling at her heart and making her weep. She watched the blonde wolf closely, studying it to see if it was really Saxif. She knew, deep down, only her mate would have picked up her fox and often in her dreams she would dream of Saxif without hers, without the wooden wolf that she had made for her so many moons ago. She looked at her neck and saw the wooden wolf.... it really was Saxif and she had come to see her.

"I wished that I could see you.... one last time. Saxif...I need you so much to stay with me... I love you." she whispered as the cream colored wolf set the wooden fox in her lap and whimpered. Shiloh hesitated before sinking her hands into the silken fur she has grown to know as her mate. It was her. It was Saxif and she had come to see her. She wasn't just a dream, or a figment of her imagination. She felt her rub against her stomach gently and whimpered at the touch. Too long she had been without her contact. Too long she had cried out at night for her only to have her never come. Too long she had wanted Saxif to just state to her that she loved her. She moved her necklace off to the side of the bed and moved to the floor, hugging Saxif as she started to pull away. Shiloh wrapped her arms around the figure of her mate and buried her face in the crane of her neck, her scent washing over her and breaking the dam that was her emotions. "Saxif... please don't leave me... I can't li..live without you. I don....don't want to live wi....without you... I wasn't st...strong enough... I am.... broken.... monster," she was able to croak out as she cried. She ran her hands down her mates back, missing the tender touches she used to give her and the completeness she would feel in her heart for Saxif. In truth in that moment her heart felt like it was ready to burst and she started to see stars again.

Was this Saxif's way of saying good bye to her? She kept one arm around Saxif while clutching her chest where her heart was. It was starting to ache again and the stars that swam in Shiloh's eyes grew stronger. "Make it stop.... make this pain go away..." she whispered against Saxif's neck. She whimpered as the pain got worse and pulled away from the cream wolf, attempting to stand and almost not making it to the bed. She lay curled in a ball and reached for Saxif. Her stomach was cramping from lack of food and her hand shook as if knowing Saxif was going to leave any moment and this was all a dream, a sick and twisted dream her mate starved mind had made up. "If you are Saxif then come and lay with me if you love me. If you are Saxif and don't love me... Kill me for I can...cannot li...live without you," she whispered as tears blurred her vision and made her shake more. She reached for the fox that should have been around her neck and found nothing. She reached down by her waste and picked it up, staring at it. The pain went though her chest again and she cried out in pain before dropping the fox to the floor as pain erupted from her chest. A heart attack? she thought as her vision went in and out and Saxif's figure blurred some. "Don...leave me... she was able to say before howling in pain. Her body arched off the bed and she shook to hard for this not to be serious. It was over in minutes and Shiloh had remind conscious though it all. Too many emotions clouded her mind and the raw ache was from not feeling the love she knew she needed to live. If Saxif left....

ooc: You're gonna love this one. Now mind you it will be a while before Saxif can be around her constantly... maybe in little brief moments to make her eat or something at first.... she's just a wreck as well XD


Saxif wanted to pull away, to leave and become nothing but a ghost to the scarred girl again. Then she felt Shiloh’s desperate grasp and could not say no could not move away. She allowed the girl to hold her to caress her fur and Saxif felt a pang in her heart as though she was so close to home but yet so far from it. She wanted to forget everything that happened to move on with their lives as it once was, but the name Kavi flooded her mind like a tsunami. The words that spilled from Shiloh’s mouth sounded her own; sounded like her mate so saddened and hurt. She wasn’t sure though and that was what frightened her the most. Her body was tense every muscle ached from the stress of wondering who spoke to her in that moment.


When Shiloh went to the bed she wanted to inch away wanted to escape but her eyes finally set upon her and her heart felt nothing but sorrow. Now that she saw her awake and in the light she looked so sick and dejected. Oh Shi… It was all she could say in that moment, Saxif knew this was her fault. Her rejection of Shiloh was nothing short of emotional abuse. One day she adored her and the next completely pushed her away. Saxif’s guilt was overwhelming all she could do was stare at the sickly wolf that was her mate and fight the lump that grew in her throat. When the girl asked her to kill her if she chose to leave she let out a single gasping sob, as the request was just so desperate and resembled her dreams as of late. So much so it was now Saxif who felt as though she were dreaming as though nothing was real. She hesitated the answer feeling as though her dream-self would take over as it always did. She realized though that she was in control that she was not dreaming and finally could say what she wanted to say every night in those dreams.


She first stepped forward as a small sign that she was not going to leave and hoped her mate got the message. As she did that is when Shiloh had begun to convulse and howl in pain, what’s happening? was all that she could think. She didn’t know what to do for Shiloh whether to run for help or stay by her side. If I ran would she die thinking I had left her for good? She leapt onto the bed and nuzzled her as she began to shift. The change was slow and awkward as Shi’s body seemed to be out of control. I swear to the Great Spirit Kavi if you are doing this to her… She growled as her arms had finally jointed enough for her to take the scarred girl into her arms. She didn’t know what to say to Kavi for what could she do to the spirit that haunted their love?


Please Shi-babe find yourself again. You cannot give up, not now. She grasped the small fox before it fell from the bed and placed it into the hand of her mate holding it there. You have come through so much don’t give up over me, please Shi. She pulled her to her chest and felt the warmth of her mate once more in her arms. Every moment Saxif worried filling her, every moment the huntress cried for her life to be better enveloping her, their love still ever present in her heart exploding in her. All as though she had been the lost spirit in this mess, that Saxif was the one who had been overtaken. Finally after all the nightmares she said the words she wanted to say. Forgive me my love, I have failed you dearly. She rocked with Shiloh in her arms asking her forgiveness over and over.

OCC: Shiloh is just as messed up. all this emotional wear on her has caused her to have a heart attack. She has become thin and weakly. She needs Saxif to be around if she is going to get better. We will see what happens. Maybe we should have a thread where Saxif is helping her walk. Date it two weeks from now?

As she lay in Saxif's arms Shiloh felt at ease for the first time since the beating. She could feel the rumble of her mate begging for forgiveness. The ache in her chest was slowly going away and she found the strength in herself to bring a hand up to her mates muzzle and lick her softly, before putting her nose to Saxif's like they used to. "I... forgive you... just...don't leave... me alone... I can't live without you," she was able to say though a horse throat. She shivered, a slight draft in the room. She snuggled down into Saxif, enjoying her touch and warmth. Too long she had wanted to be held and wasn't and now as she lay in Saxif's arms she almost let the darkness creep back in. Her heart still beat abnormally and she wondered if she was going to die from heartache. Saxif had come and lay with her. She still loved her. Shiloh started to cry and buried her face in Saxif's chest as she finally let go of the emotions that had been driving her crazy for a month if not longer.

I.. I thought you couldn't love me anymore. Kavi scared you away.... she was only protecting me. Oh how I cried for you at night. How I longed for you in the daylight hours. To see you... to hold you and love you like my heart tells me I do. We are soul mates.... my hea...heart and soul belong to you. I... have failed you Saxif... I wasn't strong enough to fight back. I am not strong enough.... You can't love me anymore. Kavi is a part of me. She has been protecting me while you were away...." she said softly as tears stained the fur around her eyes, leaving white streaks on her already paling fur. She knew she looked horrible and she gave Saxif one last lick before settling into Saxif's arms and drifting to sleep, too many emotions baring on her physically and spiritually. She was slowly becoming weaker and as she relaxed in Saxif's arms the wooden fox felt heavier in her hand and she wondered where that left her relationship with the only person she loved more then anything.

OOC: Wasn't sure if we were continuing or just going to sleep

Saxif continued to rock Shiloh in her arms, her heart beating swift from the fear of what was happening. Her
mind was rapid with thoughts of confusion, guilt and wonder. Wonder for what the future held for them as she re-entered her mate’s life. She knew it would be a while for her to even start to accept the idea of Kavi into her life. The event was so shattering not only to Shiloh but to their lives. Saxif’s beliefs now strongly in place as the proof of her childhood tales seemed to be present. She wished things had turned out a different way but this is what fate dealt the pair. She kept silent as the scarred girl spoke, afraid to say the wrong thing to make her own self angry in some way.


The huntress hummed for a while as Shiloh began to drift into a pained slumber. She could hear the irregularity in her chest in her breathing. She sighed deeply before she felt her own eyes begin to droop. She quickly fell into a sleep free of dreams and most importantly free of nightmares.