[M] the fear of being alone
#1
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Hope this is okay? maturity as in cussing later on? Dated for the 23rd. -650-


The girl had been thinking about leaving for a while now. She was not contributing to the Anatheman pack and there was no reason for her to be there anymore. Her wounds had scarred over mostly and though the nightmares were still present every night, she no longer ran to Matteo. Of course, that might have been because of Alaki’s mean looks whenever they were together. The dark male, her savior from the coyote, was extremely possessive over her Angel, and got aggressive when anyone messed with him. There was no way in hell that the little brown female would get near that bed at night when the males were together, no matter how much the monsters in her head were scaring her.

Leaving was going to be hard, but it would be impossible if she had to face Matteo and tell him goodbye. So on the last night of her visitation to the Anatheman caves, she gathered some of the materials that she’d collected over the short while she’d been there. The oils and candles, threads, nuts and bolts and little fire makers that she took from the place where Fang had hurt her. After lighting a few of the smallest candles, she hunkered down in a pile of skins and started threading the jewelry together. One for Matteo, one for Alaki, and one for Camilla. Long lengths of black chord with the silver washers, bolts, nuts and screws knotted and tied in.

Three hours passed before the necklaces were completed. Putting all of her candles and lighting stuff into her backpack, she sling it over her shoulders and snuck out of her small room. She took nothing from the room, none of it belonged to her, besides the things she had when Alaki had found her. The necklaces were laid out at the foot of Alaki and Matteo’s bed, and then she crept out of their cave system. Once out of the room, she ran.

The distance between Anathema and Ichika no Ho-en was very short and crossed quickly. Once Tawny was within the border of her home pack, she was able to relax and slow down. The middle of the night and winter was clearly moving in, frosty little ice crystals forming on the grass and leaves. The girl kept going until she reached her home, the small hut that hadn’t had any attention in a few weeks. Dropping her bag on the ground, she ducked in and grabbed one of the skins from her bedding and wrapped it around her shoulders. It was a big deer skin with rabbit and raccoon fur sewn into it as lining. Two small straps of leather hung from the sides so it could be tied as a bedroll, but in this case she tied it around her shoulders as a cloak, a way to keep her body heat trapped in close.

She couldn’t sleep. Not when she knew that there was no one there, not in the other room, not within hearing distance. Holding the warm skins tight to her body, she took a smaller bag from a shelf and put a fire maker and a few small candles into it before leaving the hut. She put the bag around her neck and began to run, wasting energy on purpose. If she was tired enough, maybe she’d sleep without dreaming. Tawny kept running, pushing her body harder and harder until she reached the east river, then ran alongside it, racing the rushing water. Not until her legs gave out did she stop, falling to her knees and sitting there on the bank for a few minutes, trying to catch her breath. Reaching into her bag, she took out three candles and stuck them into the damp sand. After lighting them she curled into a tiny ball and covered herself with the skins, hiding from the monsters in her own mind.


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#2
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Tis great! and I ramble!

Nearly ten days and ten nights had passed since the day everything had fallen apart. Ten days was hardly time to heal and Pripyat felt, perhaps more now than before, the unbearable emptiness that Arye had left in him. His chest felt hollow and if his stomach noted any of the sparingly small meals he provided it he did not know, that felt empty too. Not hungry, but empty, lacking. The young boy moved like a dead man through Ichika, his eyes seeing but not understanding what they saw and not really caring either. He knew that anything one held dear could easily be taken away and he pitied those who still loved Ichika like he thought he had. Like Arye had. Without her the spark that ignited his passion for the pack died quickly.


Nights were the hardest. He had spent the last three months scouring the lands for the perfect home, somewhere that Arye could really settle into. Finally he had found it, the tiny seaside cottage, still in town but just barely. On the outskirts of Trenton the tiny home stood almost untouched by the years but smelling of salt and spray and Pripyat knew they could have been happy there. He had been looking for Arye, to tell her about the home, when he had found her near to the lighthouse, laying on the shore, the waves unmindful of her stillness as the lapped over her delicate features. It was this image that came to him at nights, when he wandered, nowhere to sleep and no one to sleep beside. From the day he found her on the shores of Phoenix Valley until the day he found her on the shore of Ichika no Ho-en they had not slept apart, and now Pripyat had nine lonely nights under his belt and was about to add one more.


The ash colored boy built a fire most nights. A small private fire that would keep him warm and awake until sunrise, when finally he would fall into an exhausted slumber. This night was no exception and he built the tiny fire, settled himself in front of it and fixated his gaze on the flames. Eika. He was the firekeeper now. That had happened on the day Arye ceased to existed as well, and Pripyat remembered the first fire he had built. Ichikans cremated their dead, he knew that even then, and when after desperately running to and frantically lifting her lifeless body, it had been the first thought to occur to him. Arye had to be burned up. Yet for many hours Pripyat could do neither. The man had stood, clutching the body that once had been animated with life and laughter and what he was sure was love for him and now was just dead, unresponsive weight.


Only when the sun dipped below the horizon did he remember himself and with slow heavy steps he carried the girl away from the water's edge and laid her on dry sand. It was the way her body sank into sand when he released her did the anguish really plant it's self in him, a feeling he wouldn't be able to shake for far too long. Leaving the girl he carefully gathered wood, dry grass and the last flowers that had yet to give into autumn's demand for death and hibernation. Trip and trip again he brought these things and piled them upon the honey eyed lady, building up a large pyre. The others, the Ichikans, should have been alerted, they should have been helping, but selfishly Pripyat couldn't bear the idea of anyone laying their eyes upon her. Arye had been his in life, she had to be his in death as well.


And ten days later Pripyat still mourned her, and mourned her more than he had. Daily the pain increased, and each time Pripyat believed that he could not feel any more sorrowful he thought of the way her lips lifted right before she was about to laugh or the sound her feet made when she was in full flight from him. It was these details that haunted him as he stared into the fire that night, and it was the knowledge that he could never again make new memories of him that caused him to pick up the stick, hot in the fire. Why he felt it right to do so, he could not quite explain, but he brought the glowing thing to his face. Closing his right eye tightly he held the branch to his skin, the smell of singed fur and flesh comforting in its own way.


The pain was a relief he found, for the first time since he found her dead he did not think of Arye. As the heat continued to burn layers of skin even when he pulled the branch away from the now raw and pink skin he thought of his father and of his mother and of Phoenix Valley. Throwing the branch into the flames, he stood and left the fireside, a curious finger stroking the fresh burn. Pripyat moved through the nighttime woods without much thought as to where he went. Pripyat was barely aware that he moved until the flickering of lights were before him and he wondered if that was the fire he had made. Yet that was behind him, probably dying out with the man to attend to it and drawing closer he discovered the lighter of the candles.


"Tawny?" His voice sounded strange to his own ears, realizing he had not spoken a word since whisper I love you, I love you, I love you, goodbye to a lady who probably would never know the desperate declaration of affection. The boy towered over the creature wrapped up in the animal skins, her scent familiar but her face hidden and he wasn't too invested in whether she responded to his unhappy inquiry.


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#3
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Hey, could you use a different table? I had a hard time reading it. Plzzz. +3


Was there really a reason for living after one realized that they were worthless? A complete burden on those people who they leaned of for support, useless for anything more than taking up space. This feeling of self hate and the need to rid the world of her own presence was heavy, pressing down on her shoulders. The girl wouldn’t be acting on the urge, at least not at the moment, as she was too tired to move for her own wants and needs. If something bad happened, she would just do what she did before; sit there and take it, unable to fight back and protect herself. Nobody would care, and perhaps she’d actually die this time, like she had been hoping for when the coyote attacked her in the field. If only Alaki hadn’t shown up when he did to kill the vile creature…she would be long gone and no longer a problem for anyone else.

The night air just kept getting colder, until the soft and warm skins wrapped around the young woman’s body just weren’t enough to keep her heated anymore. She lay there shaking on the ground with her head mostly covered. The candles were beginning to melt slightly, and she knew that later she would have to heat the wax and reshape them. There was no reason the wax couldn’t be reused again and again, all she’d have to do was find something new to replace the wick. Something like nylon string or some thin vines might even work…Her head snapped up. There was noise in the forest, just barely audible over the soft rush of the river water. Blue eyes wide and searching, she kept watching the trees until the male broke through and got closer.

Panic set in at first, causing her cold shivering to turn into real shakes, trembles that showed total fear. The sweet, sharp scent of adrenaline filled the air around her body as she tensed beneath her skin blanket and gathered herself up, ready to run if needed. Still watching him closely, it quickly became clear that he knew her. The sound of her voice coming from his mouth was a shock and she tilted her head to the side slightly, looking over him once again. Gray fur, relatively large body for a male her age, and that sweet face…that was twisted in anger and sorrow. Sitting up slowly, she held the skins tightly to her body and nodded at him. Pr-pripyat? Why so sad?



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#4
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this table better? Also Prip’s facial expressions are pretty neutral, not particularly angry or sorrowful!

The girl turned up to face him and the boy met her gaze evenly. Her’s was the same face he had seen joyful on the beach, at the pack hunting and other such encounters. And yet it was not the same, for the expression had changed and Tawny herself was not the same creature he had known before. Where once she was shy and frightened of him she now seemed concerned. Pr-Pripyat? Why so sad? Did his voice really convey as much, or was it more that the loss of Arye clung to him heavy. Like the scent of a skunk, it was unbearable and surely others would wish to avoid, but similarly it was near impossible to wash off the first, second or even third bath.

“I am not the one sleeping out in the cold.” It was easier to deflect the focus from himself, for even if he were burdened with sorrow, sharing Arye with anyone else, even in death, seemed unthinkable. Tawny had a home, this he knew for he had passed it from time to time, her scent permeating the dwelling and spilling outside. He did not have to wonder if she had a place to sleep, he knew. The boy settled himself down Indian style, making himself on the girl’s level as she sat up with animal skins wrapped around her. Idly he fingered a candle, almost taking two fingers to extinguish it but pulling back his hand before the fire spurted out under his digits. ”What are you doing here? This isn’t a place to sleep Tawny.” Almost his words were admonishing, yet they died at the end. The girl could sleep where she pleased, but he wondered, why? And even though he wondered and wished to direct her towards more appropriate slumbering locations, he had not the energy to put any sincerity into his chastising.


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#5
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so late. and shitty. ;-; +3


Tawny watched closely as the gray male drew closer and tucked himself down onto the ground near her curled up body. Her slim shoulders shrugged a bit, causing the skins to shift and fall open slightly, showing a flash of the new scars on her shoulder and chest. Sighing softly, she tugged the cloak thing back into place and pulled it tighter, wishing that her body heat would stay trapped. Dark blue eyes followed his hand as he lowered it to one of the candles and played with the flame, his deeper voice echoing in the small clearing around the river. Curling up tighter, she shook her head and turned her head away, looking at the sparkle of the moon off the river water.

I’m n-not sle-eeping. The shakes were starting to get worse as she lay there, slight pain shooting through her body when she shifted and stretched still healing wounds. Being wounded and underfed wasn’t helping her to stay warm, and she knew it, but didn’t really care enough to do anything about it. Sleep would be practically impossible as well, seeing as the nightmares ripped through her mind’s eye each time she drifted off. They always caused her to jerk awake violently, crying heavily and sometimes even screaming. Teo was the only one who really knew what was wrong with her, and how to fix the problem.

Sadly, Teo was nowhere to be found and definitely not in Ichika, so she’d just have to get over her silly fears and deal, right? Turning her face back around to look at Pripyat, she tilted her head to the side and gave him a rather flat look. Why you out here, too? She was genuinely curious about why he would be out in the cold after chastising her for her choice in napping spots.



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#6
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<3!

Bright eyes set against the smoky fur of his left socket and the fresh burn scar of his right looked out at Tawny. She maintained that she was not sleeping, and yet she employed the same tactics he had used to dismiss her question. Neither of them would speak of the demons that kept them out wandering. Almost he was about to ask again What are you doing out here? but Pripyat knew it would be useless. They could go back and forth and for the first time since Arye’s ashes had blown away on the beach the boy smiled, a bitter but amused smile. “We are both scarred creatures Tawny, anyone can see that now.” He nodded at her shoulders, indicating he had seen the scars she had once again covered up. Gently he trailed a finger along the long scar he had made across his eye, and the pain that spread in response to his fingertip made him almost smile once more.

“Arye’s gone.” Pripyat wasn’t sure how he managed to say the words, but he had. One of them had to break first, explain themselves and why not him? If Tawny seemed haunted by something, Pripyat was possessed. It was as if Arye’s ghost clung to him, although he was sure that she, if she existed in any form at all, had long forgotten worldly matters and it was only his sorrow that weighed so heavily upon him. “Not gone. Dead.” He amended his words, to make them more clear. And Pripyat felt that was all that needed to be said. Didn’t that explain enough? Explain his sleeplessness? His scar? Why sorrow seemed to hang around him like a bad odor? Without a second thought, as if dismissing her death so quickly he shot the conversation back at Tawny. “And now, what the hell happened to you?”


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#7
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sad times +3


He was right, they were both very scarred creatures. Pripyat's body might not be covered in the marks, but it was clear, oh so clear, that he was emotionally and psychologically hurt. Those scars were the hardest to make go away, to forget. She had some as well, from the beating her parents dolled out, to the molestation and almost cannibalism. Fear of being hurt wasn't there anymore, as she'd had pain inflicted enough that ti didn't really bother her anymore. The thought of trusting someone, hearing that someone cared for her or 'wouldn't hurt her' was terrifying. Those words meant the opposite in her mind now.


Tawny curled tighter and pulled the skin cloak up more until it was almost covering her face as well. She didn't want him to be able to see her ugly body anymore. The marks made her deformed. Never having been a gorgeous girl before, she was now even more insecure with her image. Months ago, before ever meeting the canines who inhabited this pack, she never thought of her appearance. Over time that had changed, being around the others who took pride in their looks changed her view. It was obvious that she wasn't up to par with most of her pack mates. Just another reason to leave and strike out on her own.


Prypiat's words saddened her even more, and the exhaustion caused her mood to shift violently. Tears sprang to her eyes when she heard that Ayre was dead. Tawny hadn't known the woman and had only seen her around a bit, but it was still so sad. Obviously the male cared greatly about her...and now she was gone for good. Sniffling softly, the girl covered her face with her hands for a few moments, trying to get her thoughts together. Got hurt. Her explanation was short and sharp, she did NOT want to talk about what happened for fear of bringing back the dreams.



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#8
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The weeping that came from Tawny confused Pripyat, but it distracted him from the lingering thoughts of Arye, or rather the lack of Arye. Whether she wept over the woman she had hardly known or over her own wounds Pripyat did not care, he merely felt the empathy that had once been so common place to him. In Phoenix Valley he had been a prince, longing to roam the lands and do good. Vanquish evil. Yet Jefferson and Noah and Geneva and Jace and all the adults had stayed him, kept him glued to lands he both loved and loathed. And then Arye had come and all the knightly ideas he had once held dear to had dissipated. Nothing had mattered but the golden lady of the sea, and now that she was gone nothing seemed to matter anymore.

Yet at the sound of Tawny's sorrow he felt a familiar tug, and almost he reached out to touch the scarred girl. For a long moment his hand lay suspended in the air, uncertain if it should reach out or withdraw and finally after a very long silent moment it dropped to his side. When the ash colored lady finally spoke he was surprised at how gruff his voice sounded, almost as if it were his father speaking through him. "Who hurt you?" and like his father he knew that it was his duty to right this wrong, because Jefferson wouldn't have let harm befall his own pack and Pripyat was not worthy if he was anything less than what he father was, or had been once in the very least.


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#9
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sad little gurrrrrl.


Pripyat meant well, and she knew he just wanted to know so he could maybe right something that had gone wrong. Unfortunately, he couldn’t do anything about it because the perpetrators were long gone and dead. Shaking her head a little bit, she shrugged and sighed. ”Doesn’t matter.” There really was nothing that he would be able to do…unless it was warm the other people in the pack about the male that had gotten away? She doubted that the young gray man would be able to take the dark devil on in a fight, so he’d just have to tell everyone to be weary and watch their back, especially the females.

”Fang. T-tell the others…be c-c-careful.” Her dark blue eyes looked a little bit glassy at the end of the stuttered sentence, almost like they were looking right through him. She’d done pretty much all she could do now, warn him of someone that caused harm. It was the only things she could do at the moment. Her brain just wasn’t willing to cooperate and form a complete, coherent conversation. If the young man wanted any more answers, he was going to have to be very specific in what he asked for and how he asked.


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#10
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sorry for the wait >.<

The girl was reluctant and though Pripyat recognized the pain behind the reluctance he couldn't help but push at her. Whatever had happened, Ichika no Ho-en had failed at keeping Tawny Wagner safe. Whatever had happened, Tawny was still pained over it and Pripyat couldn't stand by and idly watch the girl. "It does matter!" The gruff man's normally stoic voice grew excited, angry almost. Not at Tawny, who he regarded with a warm but pitiful look, but at the unknown villain who had harmed her. Slowly the fur along his spine began to bristle, and had he not remembered his presence with Tawny his lips might have subconsciously uncovered ready fangs.

And then a name, but only a name. "Who is Fang?" He needed details, a physical description. A motive. A pack maybe. Where had the beast come from? Where was he now? "Where did this happen?" Surely not in Ichika, because why then hadn't Tawny called for help? Had any Ichikans heard the cry they all would have come running. Still they might come running, late, but better late than never. Even if Pripyat did not act right away, he did not intend to sit idle. If not Fang, than surely some other villain must pay for the crime the man had done upon the scarred girl.


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#11
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shooort


Tawny whined softly as Pripyat adopted a more aggressive tone and stance, his expression darkening as he watched her. The words she spoke seemed to be insufficient for the male and he was soon snapping for more information. The memories were painful, things that she did not want to drag back up. Unfortunately, this pack mate that had only ever been kind to her was obviously trying to look out for her and others and she had to tell him. Shaking her head a little bit, her hands slid up on the cloak and she flicked the hood down further over her face, covering almost everything but her mouth and nose.

Grumbling softly to herself, she curled in tighter and sighed. ”Fang is…h-huge. Da-ark b-b-black fur and sc…scary eyes. Some scars I think, cause I b-b-it and scratching him up…” Sniffling softly, she turned and peeked up at the gray male from her spot a few feet away. The small woman wanted to go over to him, maybe get some kind of comfort from physical touch like she’d done with Saul and Matteo. There was nothing sexual about it, just holding and snuggling, giving her a feeling of safety. However, she was wary of Pripyat…he seemed to be angry and getting near an angry male was a mistake, as she’d learned.



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#12
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Tawny did not answer all his questions, still he knew not the location where such a crime had transpired. Yet it did not matter, for as she described her assailant the boy knew she was growing more uncomfortable. Pripyat had not meant such aggression in his tone, for it was not meant for Tawny but for Fang, where ever the bastard was. As the girl covered herself further, so barely only her nose was visible to him now, he softened though she couldn't have seen his expression just then. Mentally he made a note of all she said of the man, big, black and scarred. That could be a number of creatures he was sure, but he had a name and sooner or later the villain might surface.

When she looked up at him again Pripyat could understand both her desire and her fears. Slowly he moved toward her, his voice soft once more. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry…" And he drew the girl toward him, his large body encompassing her. Only to Arye had he ever been so affectionate, and yet it was hardly the same. There was no desire in this gesture, only friendship and at the warmth of another's body Pripyat felt a great flood of emotion. As angry as he was at Tawny's attacker, he was more sad at the loss of his beloved. Never again could he hold her like this, and discreetly he buried his face into Tawny's shoulder, clinging to her and offering her what comfort he could. "It will be okay…" Although he spoke these words, he was not sure if they were, or could ever, be true. How did one piece back together a being that had been so wholly broken?


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