A child that was not her own lay peacefully in her arms lost in some pleasant dream that had brought a gentle smile to her lips. The tragedy of the days before were not lost to her, but forgotten as she was lulled to the realm of dreams where her trouble meant nothing and there was only joy to be had. If only an adult’s sleep could be restful like that. Days before she had slept so soundly, so peacefully with the anticipation of the children she would bring into this world. Not a breath was taken without her heart swell with joy, no song was sung without the octave of mirth entangled with it. But as she sang for the little one now pulled close to her heart, there was no rapture in her voice, but the whisper of disappointment weighed by failure.

She couldn’t understand why her ancestors had chosen to taunt her like this; give her what her heart truly wanted and only find that it was not her time to have it. Would she forever be the guardian of another’s child but not her own? She could not blame Sarain… she was but an innocent in the cruel web spun by the fates. But she was part of it just as Jace, Nayru, and Shiloh had bound her by their webs as well. Perhaps it was being near them that made this happen, and all her elation, her joy… her anticipation was just a factor that expedited this false reality. She did not know the cause only when it had meant when she learned that it was not true; that there was no life inside her… no embodiment of the love she shared with her mate.

Before the sun had risen several days before, she had woke with a start with the pup encircled in her arms rather than the warm body she knew to have enveloped her in the night before. The dull ache of her transformation was still upon her further drawing her shocked mind from its stupor to the truth of her situation. It had been in tears that she awakened her mate unable to annunciate the words that need to spoken. Her only word to him had been an apology as she took his hand to her empty womb to feel the subtle depress as she had.

Since then the truth donned itself heavily on the pair. The nurturing womb had receded with nothing inside to carry leaving the woman more empty than she had ever felt. Were it not for the pup in their care, the responsibility to care for her, Nayru and her child, she would have slipped into isolation and left herself to waste away. But she was not afforded the luxuries to wallow and kept to her obligations with minimal if not any sound at all. She could not bring herself to eat unless it was to feed Sarian, and even so simple a taste that she anticipated would bring her joy brought her to unrelenting tears. She could not blame the girl, but how she desperately had hoped for one of her own. They both had… and yet she failed them.

Under the afternoon light, she sang with the napping pup in her arms, stealing away this moment to reflect and ask her ancestors how they could have been so cruel…

Snow turned softly in her muted ears lifting her muzzle slightly in attention though her eyes remained on the sleeping child. She never needed to question who would come upon her like this, having committed the unmistakable musk to memory that stirred recognition even why she slept. But while her heart was glad for his presence, she could not bring herself to look at him even as he gently kissed her somber lips. She could only force a smile, small and fragile upon them then return his affection with a soft lap of her own.

From beneath her wild mess of bangs she looked to the snow obscured in red as if the sparkling flakes would give her some reply that was worth her breath. When her voice had carried such a wonderful tune, vibrant with the trill of life within ever syllable, it had fallen to near inaudible octaves laced with the pain she could not show upon her face. “I haven’t had a reason to,” softly her voice came at last. Her gaze then drifted to the pup still nestled in her arms.

“My Shepard- my father… used to sing to me when I was restless at night. Each time he did, it made me feel closer to him… so I would pretend I couldn’t sleep just so he could hear his voice.” Gently she pulled the child closer to her chest, reveling in the warmth such a small form could emit. “She refused to nap… and it was all I could think to do. If not to bring her peace, then to play the part that my father had played for me.” It was the most she had spoken in days and already her voice was beginning to show its wear. “It is almost cruel that I would sing to ease a child that is not my own…”

In her arms, the pup began to stir again, her peaceful sleep disturbed by the stronger octave of her surrogate father. Perhaps the little one could sense something of amiss with her surroundings, no longer in the loving home across the river but now in the midst of stranger, larger creatures shrouded by an aura of sadness. She had grown accustomed to another kind of love, one forged by genuine want and maternal need. What had once driven this woman to take the girl was but a figment now as she looked to the stirring body with unfamiliar eyes… almost pained… forlorn.

“She sang to comfort you,” she sighed softly unable to keep her voice above a whisper. The energy, let alone will to speak had evaded her rendering her tones to nothing more than automatic results of an articulate tongue, void of emotion… just breath. Amidst her wallow she had heard the words of her mate, but could not relate them to her own experiences. The valiant effort of his father was an admirable feat worthy of recognition, so much more than a subtle tip of her muzzle in acknowledgement to his sacrifice. “The example left by your father is one worth the pursuit… but I doubt you well need to follow.” For if he were to play the valiant knight, willing to lay his own life for the sake of those he held dear… would there not need to be lives to protect first and foremost?

“But I am sorry you did not get to know your father,” she continued vacantly, carefully withdrawing the child from her chest to be taken by her mate. The growing sorrow compelled her to relinquish her hold of the now awaking child. Her arms and hands remained warmth from the small body emanating the unwelcomed sensation with every pulse. “Our culture did not permit us to acknowledge our parents as such. It was only our Shepard that claimed that title of parent and mentor. It was by none but a stroke of fortune that my sire would be by Shepard… and even then his children were never able to acknowledge him as such or take pride in his accomplishments and make them a part of themselves. Even if the circumstance was unfortunate, it is a blessing that you are able to acknowledge that man as your father and that the sacrifice he made was for you, his son.”

His apparent reluctance to take the girl didn’t bother her as much as she understood why. Similar thoughts had worked their way into her mind but had better concealed them than her mate. She did not look to the girl with biased eyes simply because it was not in her nature to persecute an innocent in such a way… but she was neither elated, nor angry to have her. She tread along the border of obligation to her packmate and duty to her pack as a whole. It was her responsibility to extend her helping paw to her packmates in whatever fashion was asked of her… even if it pained her like this.

She took Sarian’s wholly back into her protective veil pulling the partial cloak that hung from her shoulders around the girl to brace her from the cold whilst she returned to recline against the outer wall of their den. Her eyes turned skyward looking to nothing in particular, perhaps a distraction from the evident pain that dulled her eyes. “It’s fine…” her voice drifted further away in reply as did her gaze as it caught the speckled body of her companion spiraling downward in descent.

She did turn from him before his talons clutched her shoulder and looked fully upon her mate after what felt like an endless spell of being unworthy of his gaze. “I had no children to bear for you,” her voice was wrought with disbelief. “And yet you would still want me with you?” Clinging hard to her Nomadic ways, she believed this all to be a precursor to him leaving her. She had bore him no heir… or wasn’t even pregnant to do so. She had failed in solidifying a show of their love for each other. Her empty womb was cause enough for him to leave. Had this been within her community, he would have found another female by now leaving her to wallow in her shame.

Even though his words were meant to inspire her, she found little comfort in them as soon as they were uttered. It took time for the magnitude of his words to settle upon her and instill some semblance of the notion that not all hope was lost for them. True they had failed this time, but what was to say the next time would be a failed attempt as well? Even with that bit of optimism, she could not grasp onto it wholly without hesitance. More than anything she wanted to believe him and find the truth she needed to pull her from this depressive state. But it was nigh impossible to be rid of it all, not when she had such reverence for what she hoped to come and was without.

Beneath her auburn hooded gaze her amber hues followed the path of her beloved’s steps, dipping her muzzle into his affectionate touch while keeping the pup protectively within her hold. As he came to settle beside her, she stretched her leg for him to rest on looking down at his tired form with concern. What possible plan the ancestors had for her and her love went without a thought to humor it when she heard the soft cough of her mate. Her ears stood straight whilst and uncomfortable chill coursed the length of her spine. Instinctually, she drew the squirming child away from him, growling softly for her to still her antics while she looked to Saluce.

“Are you alright?” she inquired softly, forgoing her sullen mood in lieu of caring for her mate.

She couldn’t have been more poorly convinced that he was alright than in this moment. The look in his eyes clearly said something other was bothering the beast and yet he claimed it to be nothing more than a cold. His mate was not one to pry, but neither was she one to let things linger… not anymore. Letting an issue fester had brought about their first severe argument and she was not about to let something of that magnitude even have the chance of coming to light again.

It was difficult not to look upon this situation with worry. With all that transpired in the course of a few days, one would think the gods had it out for them, intended to test their resolve and see just how far they could tax the pair, emotionally and now physically. She could see the exhaustion in his eyes as poorly as he attempted to mask it with his loving affections. He was stubborn, this she knew, and would rather address the circumstance as something minor than as troublesome as it truly was. Unfortunately her sense was too keen to let that be.

Keeping Sarian held in one arm, she quickly grasped his stubborn muzzle, not hard but applying just enough pressure to insinuate she was not letting him go until she was satisfied to do so. “Why would you ask me to do something you know I cannot?” she breathed an exhausted sigh of her own, forcing her gaze down to the beast’s resting on her leg. “I will return Sarian in due time, but you I cannot just ‘not’ worry about. If you are sick… even exhausted, this is something I have to know. I cannot let you continue as you have been if it’s draining you like this- and don’t’ say it isn’t. I can see it on your face, Saluce.”

When he looked to her with glaring eyes, X’yrin simply stared right back, unrelenting and firm as she waited for whatever protest this fool had for her. He might have insinuated all was well with him, perhaps try and soothe her with warm words, but she would not fall for them while her concern for him trumped all. She was patiently waited for his retort holding his gaze with her softening own until he slipped from her grasp and instead of retaliating, let his head rest upon her leg.

His confession disturbed her because she knew that what he said was true. Their able bodies had lessened with the new mothers tending to their offspring which had left the able Envoy’s to pick up the slack left behind. But Saluce had ran himself ragged more than most, caring for two females as well as himself and now these pups under their watch and care. Perhaps this was the reason she had not been blessed with life, she wondered. The responsibilities of caring for the pack outweighed her desire for children. Perhaps this was a sign from her ancestors that this was not her time to bear children. Not when there was much to be done for their home. The revelation did not brighten her mood any, but it did grant her an awareness to their present situation.

As his head slipped lolled onto her stomach, she brought a hand down to his cheek, gently caressing his wild fur as she let her beloved rest. “Perhaps this was the reason I do not have our children,” she sighed softly, trailing the tips of her claws along his jaw. “It was not meant to be. Not with everything that must be down to care for our brethren. Despite our want… it was…simply not our time.” Her words were laced with sadness yet a smolder of hope manifested from the ash of disappointment. Such a small…flickering thing. “And at least now,” she continued braving a soft smile for her mate. “I can take care of you until you are well again. How long have you been ill, my ompre?”

She could only hold onto faith that what he was certain of would come to fruition. It was the first, but not the only time they would try, this much she was certain of. But doubt still pressed upon her mind and caused her brows to furrow in thought. Their relationship was still new and was bound to have its complications, yet something of this magnitude she hadn’t expected. Falling back to her mate’s words and her own beliefs, there had to be a greater design for this to transpire, for being without children… for having Sarian to care for… for tending to their Ryu and their pack as a whole. There must have been a grander plan… even for the sickness that now burdened her mate.

“Before you start thinking of the following generation, we need to start this one,” she sighed, trailing the tips of her claws along the contour of his muzzle to the base of an ear and scratched it lightly. “And before then, we need to take care of you.” His inability to change form disturbed her having rarely heard of a condition as that. Usually when one was sick it made it difficult to change but never stop them completely. More than likely, it was as he thought; his large frame was a hindrance to a seamless shift and was now protesting. She had no definitive way of knowing, only speculation and what made sense to her. For the time being, she hoped it was enough and that a healer’s aid was not necessary.

Gently she grasped his teased ear and tugged it fondly, returning a little affection to him. “You no doubt need to rest. I have done nothing but sit idle and watch you take the weight of responsibility on your shoulders. You’ve nearly worn yourself out… and I am sure this is your body telling you to rest. And I would like for you to heed it. I can fulfill our duties in your stead.”