Coli was indeed home, letting the morning sunlight go to waste as she remained inside her earthbound house. It was dark inside, since there were no windows, and she was curled against the corner wall, listening intently to the sounds of scratching and squeaking behind the weathered wood. At first she had been disgusted by the signs of mice infesting the old house -- piles of droppings and urine stains had to be scrubbed thoroughly before it was deemed liveable. It was to be expected of any abandoned structure, but still unpleasant to deal with. But the mice themselves had burrows deep into the hill, where they remained hidden from the canine predator that had moved in with them. And now she found it fascinating to listen to them scurrying nearby, scratching at the walls and pattering underneath the floorboards. It seemed as though the bold rodents were already unafraid of her, as she had caught glimpses of shiny black eyes peering through cracks in the ceiling and walls several times. Perhaps it was silly of her not to eliminate them, but they were entertaining and harmless. She had not mentioned them to Niernan specifically, for fear he might ask his cat companion to hunt them...

Then the mice fell silent, freezing as they felt the vibrations of someone approaching. Coli straightened, peering at the door expectantly until she heard knocking. She was surprised to hear who it was -- Lilin and Nier were the only two packmates she had spent much time with since its formation, and she knew Saul was often busy with his duties such as patrolling the border. She hoped fervently that was not what she was being summoned for, because she still felt achy from the trip she had made to the former Crimson Dreams orchard. "I'll be right there, Saul," she called, standing and brushing the dust from her knees and mane. The interior of her chosen house was much more bare and plain than some of the others, but she preferred a simpler abode. She knew all too well what it felt like to live alone in a house too large for her, and she did not have possessions or furniture to fill it with. It was nicer this way, fitting for a older single wolf like her. She adjusted the Frithr pendant around her neck, making sure it was visible, before swinging the door open to greet her leader and friend.

"Good morning," she added politely, emerging from the doorway onto the lush grass. She tugged the heavy door shut behind her, flashing him a shy smile as her eyes adjusted to the light. As far as leaders went, Saul Stormbringer was the most gentle and least intimidating she had ever known. Coli was known to be skittish around males due to her history, but she was thankfully unafraid of this one, possibly because his connection to Lilin as well as Conor made him like family. She had done her best to push thoughts of Conor from her mind, although meeting Eclipse for the first time had made that difficult. "What did you need help with?" she asked, a little more hesitantly. She wasn't particularly talented at hunting either, so hopefully it wouldn't be that.

"No, not at all, I was just... erm, digging?" She tilted her head helplessly, unsure of what he was propositioning her to do. Patrolling the border, hunting, watching the pups, those were all tasks she expected to be assigned at some point since they did not have many members, and she had to pull her weight somehow. Digging holes did not seem like much of a priority, until Saul elaborated on his idea.

"A communal garden, that sounds like a lovely idea...! There are so many useful plants I've seen in the area that I could collect for us; chamomile, feverfew, marigold, comfrey, echinacea... and the flowers will be so pretty together, too," she trailed off shyly, enthused by the idea. It was rare that she got to share her knowledge of botany, whether they be the herbal remedies and teas she learned from Deuce Rhiannon, or the poisons she had cultivated on her own. Self-consciously she brushed her fingers against the small fur pouch she wore around her neck, hung on the same cord as her Vináttan pendant. She probably shouldn't mention right away that she had just as intimate an understanding of the toxicity of plants -- only if the need arose for her to defend herself or her pack. What started as a hobby had lead her down a dark path, and she was trying to steer herself back towards the light and the good.

"I guess we should start digging, then," Coli added, nodding resolutely. "Did you... have a location in mind?" This was much less intimidating than untangling the overgrown vineyard, and was even one of the few topics she had a measure of confidence and experience in. It had been quite a few seasons, but she had built gardens from scratch several times in her past with great success. And judging by the flowers she had carried from Crimson Dreams and lovingly nursed back to health here around her house, she had not lost her talent. That thought jogged her memory -- the apple seedlings, she still needed to mention them to Saul. Maybe he would be impressed by her initiative... or maybe he would be upset that she did not ask his permission to plant them. She should hold off until she was sure he was in a good mood. He seemed cheerful enough, but she did not want to risk irritating him right before they were to spend an entire day together toiling in the soil.

Colibri smiled shyly at the mention of the witchhazel plant, knowing it to be a useful shrub with astringent qualities. "We could plant that at the center. They can grow rather large, so it can shelter the ones that prefer shade, like feverfew," she suggested, trying to imagine the arrangement once they completed all the preliminary work. They could spend the next several days scouring the forest and lakeside for everything they would need; the thought was an uplifting one, a job she would actually be good at. It was easier to hunt things that had roots and could therefore not flee.

Once he had gathered their tools, the tall athletic Stormbringer set off at a brisk pace, white footpaws quickly covering ground ahead of her. Coli struggled to match his gait, jogging breathlessly in his wake and hoping he did not notice he was gradually leaving her behind. Her joints still ached from the trek to and from the southern packlands, and she was not as young as she used to be, finding that it took her longer to recover from physical exertion. When Saul reached the level ground outside of Jordheim, seemingly effortlessly, Coli hurried to close the gap between them. Perhaps she should try a little harder to stay in shape, now that she had all these fit young wolves to keep up with.

She pressed her hand against her chest, trying to will her rapid heartbeat to slow down to a regular rhythm. "This... seems nice..." Coli exhaled, out of breath from the unexpected run. Saul must have been more excited than he let on, if he was this eager to get started. Gardening had always been a slow and peaceful experience for her; hopefully Saul was not going to speed everything up in his enthusiasm, or she would be left behind again.

As her eyes fell on the flat earth that would soon be upturned and tilled, she felt a strange sense of guilt, the same remorse that had shadowed her in the Crimson Dreams orchard. The last time she had worked in a garden alongside another who shared her love for growing things, it had been with her almost-mate. Lending her talents to a new pack felt almost like cheating on Anu's memory. Coli shook her head, dismissing the ridiculous notion. She was no longer winded, so it was time to work.

She knelt, beginning the task of uprooting the weeds, grasping each one by its stem and freeing it from the earth. That seemed like the most obvious job, since they could not do anything until the soil was clear. "Saul... have you ever been in love?" she asked offhandedly, distracted by her thoughts and the task at hand. They would need something to talk about all day, and it seemed like a good place to start. Perhaps her Virding could give her advice on how to move on. He was a single parent, after all, so she assumed he had a mate once. All this time had passed, and yet Coli still had not come to terms with the breakup that had driven her out of Crimson Dreams, and into her solitary journey to the western coast. She had no one to talk it out with even now, but the scent of fresh loam dredged up a lot of memories.

It wasn't Saul's fault that he was much more athletic than her; it was her own shortcomings that kept her from matching his pace. Coli would have told him this, but she was too winded to offer the explanation, opting instead to shake her head and wave her hand dismissively at his apology. He was too nice to humor her like this -- truly too kind for his own good, this Stormbringer. It was more than enough that he had given her a home here. If tending to this garden could in some way repay him, she would carry water here every morning, no matter how exhausting the trip.

The two toiled in comfortable silence; Coli gathering a pile of weeds beside her, Saul staking out the corners of their plot. When she idly voiced her question, he seemed startled; she glanced up, ears falling back submissively. Of course it was a sensitive topic, and she hadn't meant to pry into his affairs. A simple 'yes' or 'no' would have been enough of an answer for her, but instead the male opened up, revealing much more than Coli had expected. She blushed a little at the mention of sex, ducking her head shyly as she worked. She had been a little curious about Temeraire, but she would never have asked directly. Perhaps Saul had realized this. She thought she heard him whisper something else at the end, but she must have imagined it. She was distracted by the description Saul had given of his boyhood crush, which sounded uncomfortably similar to her own role in the ill-fated romance she had experienced.

Saul caught her gaze, having shown an honest glimpse into his past and expecting the same from her. She sighed heavily, fingers pausing in their work as she tried to gather the words. It wasn't something she had told Lilin yet, although Ezra and possibly Niernan knew pieces of the story. She wanted to get it off her chest, but it was difficult to admit that it was over. "Yeah, I... I was... I mean, I still am, but it can't... you know. I crushed on a female back in Dahlia, too," she said with a chuckle, referencing Saul's phrasing as an easy way to admit to her preferences. She did not know if anyone in the pack took issue with same-sex couples, but it wasn't something she felt she needed to hide any longer now that they trusted her. "But she wasn't a Dahlian, and eventually I left to join Crimson Dreams and be with her. It should have been our happy ending..." Her voice trailed off, remembering the winter they shared, cozy in their room in the manor as her tail was healing from its injury.

"I ruined it though. I... just get so anxious when there are expectations, pressure... I grew distant, scared I would not live up to her image of me. I stopped coming home at night, started wandering further away so I wouldn't have to deal with it..." She stared down at her muddy hands, lost in the gloomy memories. She had so many flaws, and she could only conceal them for so long. Saul deserved to know what a wreck she was anyway, he had already seen her break down over poor Conor's fate. He didn't need to feel guilty over bearing that news, now that he could see how depressed she was over everything else.

"...Well, it's obvious what had to happen; she moved on, I ran away. Took me nearly two years to come back, and I still haven't spoken to her even though I know where she is. Saul, if... if that girl you had a crush on, the one who left... if she ever came back and asked you to forgive her, asked if you still cared about her, do you think...?" She peered up at him, curiosity and a tint of desperation in her wide blue eyes. She knew how neurotic she was coming across, but once she started talking about it, it was hard for her to stem the flood. Did Saul believe in forgiveness the way Alder did, or did he bear a grudge toward his deserter? Anu still meant the world to her, because she was the only one to truly love Coli despite her flaws, even if it was her flawed personality that ended up hurting them both. Even if Anu would take her back, she might end up breaking the woman's heart all over again; was it better for her to stay away and suffer alone? She finally returned to her weeding task, reminding herself that it was possible to work and talk at the same time rather than freeze up completely.

"I'm sorry for dumping all this on you, Saul," Coli apologized earnestly, peeking up at him to make sure he was not annoyed with her. "I... wanted to start fresh here, make a better me. But I'm still a mess, and I guess I can't fix it without talking about it a little..." She never learned how to deal with emotions in a healthy and constructive way, and simply pushed the feelings down, season after season. Some days it felt like she was going to burst. She once again felt grateful for the peaceful stability Saul and Lilin had created; the longer she spent as a loner, the more likely it was for her to snap at the wrong wolf and end up torn apart.

"I just don't know if I should be trying to forget her, or trying to win her back," she mumbled, lightly tossing the discarded weed outside the border of their plot. She would carry the unwanted plants further away once they were done digging, so that they did not have a chance to go to seed and repopulate the area. "I... actually left word with a friend of hers that I was here, and that she was welcome to come join us... but there's no reason she would uproot her family for the likes of me. She is very forgiving, and I hope she doesn't bear a grudge against me, but it's just so unlikely that we could ever be together again after... I left her."

She wasn't a fool -- logic told her the odds again and again, but it also kept replaying the intimate memories of her only romance. She didn't want to give up, not after learning from Alder that there had been a misunderstanding. Coli ran away when she learned Anu was pregnant... anyone would have assumed the worst, that she had been betrayed. But it turned out Anu had asked a favor of a male friend with the hopes she and Coli could raise the children together, something Coli had always wanted... It was a cruel misunderstanding indeed, one that could have been cleared up if she had just confronted her love in the first place. Saul had made a valid point, though -- his feelings of attraction faded with time, and most likely Anu's had too. A weak friendship was probably all she could hope for now, and perhaps that was why it was easier to fantasize instead of taking action.

The rich, earthy scent of the loam Saul was upturning with his spade filled the air. Coli inhaled deeply and smiled, her clamoring insecurities quieted by the relaxing setting. "I'd rather spend my time in a garden anyway, plants are easier to deal with," she admitted wryly, a sentiment she had felt for most of her adult life. The warmth of the sun, the velvety feel of the soil between her pawpads, the delicate perfume of flower petals, these were things she could enjoy no matter how dark her thoughts were growing. She could let her regrets fall away from her, and enjoy the simple pleasure of nurturing those that did not speak. Her companion's words were measured and fair, and she was about to change the topic when one of his statements stood out in her mind. He had someone else in his life now?

Coli stared down at the stubborn weed she was trying to extirpate, racking her mind for any signs she could have noticed. Saul lived alone with his son, didn't he? She had noticed a few new scents around Jordheim recently, so there were some new members she had been too shy to introduce herself to... perhaps it was one of them? She didn't want to ask him, since they were already on such a delicate topic. Besides, she wasn't a gossip; she just wanted everyone to experience happiness. "I hope things are going well with your new someone," she murmured, glancing up to the tall wolf with a hint of mischief in her smile. Saul certainly deserved to be happy and loved, he was such a kindhearted and generous male. She hoped he would have better luck with this new love than he had in the past.

Saul offered his ear, promising to listen to her whenever she needed to vent. She had the sneaking suspicion that he did not know how much he had volunteered himself for, but it did mean a lot to her that he would try. It was cathartic just to let slip some of what plagued her; whether it was the good company or the simple act of tilling the earth that had relaxed her sufficiently to admit to them. Maybe someday she'd be able to hold her head high, but for now it was enough to have someone else know some of what she was going through... and to know that he didn't blame her the way she blamed herself. And to be called family. Of course that was what a pack was supposed to mean to a wolf, but hearing it spoken aloud was moving. She swallowed the lump forming in her throat, blinking back the mist of tears that was obscuring her vision. Did she really have a family now? It did feel different from the other packs she had been a part of; smaller, close knit, dependable. She didn't deserve it, but she had found it. "Thank you," she said finally, once she could find her voice. "And, um, the same to you... if you ever need to talk about your new sweetheart, or anything else, I'm good at listening... I know it can be lonely being a leader." She knew this because of her Anu, once the alpha of Crimson Dreams. All they had desired was each others' company...

The two wolves moved with an industrious harmony, soon completing the task they had set before them. Coli rocked back on her hocks, brushing the loose soil from her light-furred fingers. Saul offered her sage advice, something she silently promised to take to heart. She needed a mantra, something to latch onto and believe in. Indecision was definitely the worst part, but she was afraid of closure; if she had to close that chapter of her life and leave it behind her for good, what would she do with herself next? There was no one else who could love her like Anu. "I hope it will be alright," she murmured. "I just don't know if I'm ready to choose yet." And how pathetic was that, knowing it had been years since she left? She had never been good about making decisions for herself, preferring to passively let things fall as they may.

She watched Saul with a bit of envy, seeing the way passion clouded his face and voice when he spoke of his special someone. He did not offer a name, and it did not bother her at all; he obviously cared about her deeply, and the pack would be made privy once they were ready to share. Young love was beautiful. She missed it. "Let me know if Temeraire will have some little brothers and sisters on the way," she teased gently, accepting the hand he offered her so that she could rise to her feet. His palms were warm, his fingers engulfing hers completely. He might not have realized, but she did not accept physical contact often, and it was a gesture of trust she offered him by accepting his. She nodded in agreement -- a meal would be most welcome after their work, and she was looking forward to it.