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Days crept on so slowly and with each passing moment, a weary soul was growing more restless. When sleep would better remedy what ailed her aching heart, it was its audible, repetitious beating that kept her from slumber.

It was growing with each passing day. The thump of a longing, a desire that had been suppressed for the sake of tended to other matters. Her pack came first and foremost, their happiness… their safety. Her own selfish desires forgone for their sake… but her heart could not take much more. And the burden placed upon it was of no one’s fault but her own. She had done well to ignore it, push aside that longing by busying her mind with chores and crafts and seeing to the wellbeing of her family. But in the quiet hours a hint would surface, played upon by the tender licks of a pup. His eyes blind to the effect his presence had on her, for he felt only the love she would give to him. And love him she did, the way she envisioned a mother could love a child of her fur and blood. But she would never truly know…only speculate. And acknowledging this forced their painful beating to sound louder each time… gripping her tightly til she could hardly breathe.

A pain associated with tears that would inevitably fall, but she never felt the cool streams down her face. Just the merciful night winds caressing her cheeks.

Night had fallen and with it, the quiet of nature as the world drifted to slumber. There were a few that tried to keep awake. The handful of birds singing their nightly calls to their neighbors before they too became silent under the heavy shroud of night. There was but the gentle lapping of the water in her ears, the subtle grate of smooth stones as they rolled beneath her heavy paws. A mild distraction, if one could call it that, to deafen the hammering that went on in her ears; that resonated through her wholly and quaked down to her very core. Her desire was to bring about an internal peace near the place she had once found solace. To be lulled by the tranquil waters to a state of repose and alleviate the pressing burden.

But there was no such peace. Only the insistent hammering… only the bellowing echoes of what she tried desperately to ignore. A loneliness that had lingered ever since her love was lost. And the quiet death of the future she was promised. She missed him…and all that his absence had taken away.

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Torture. She had become exceedingly efficient at bringing such pain upon herself. Never physical, but a mental anguish invoked when thinking of what could have been…what should have been. What, by some remote possibility, was still within her grasp to take. But with the pain these scenarios caused, there was a pleasure she felt was worth the bitterness. So minute and fleeting these sensations, but when felt the smile upon her face was genuine and her heart would soar to a height becoming higher each time. If she could have that moment, feel that unbridled happiness, then she could endure the torture… so long as that sliver of a reward remained.

But it was tiresome. Pathetic perhaps one would say and yet she felt not regret for her actions. Her feelings. Made to act as though they did not exist, here when there were only herself and the starlit sky, she could free herself from the care of her appearance and embrace how she felt without shame. Alone. Unwanted. Deceived. Betrayed. Defective. Forgotten. Still she could not weep for the pain brought on by these words regardless of how soundly they rang in her ears. The barriers erected by seasons of training remained standing fast around her, cracking, but not yet breaking. Yet, she could acknowledge these feelings, the sliver of happiness being that she had not become completely void and could still be affected internally. And she drew strength from it, used it to quiet the sound beating in her chest and return to a fragile state of calm.

Her ears pulled back to the sound of approach but the scent that coupled the quiet steps kept her comfortably as she was. X’yrin sighed softly, releasing the breath she hadn’t realized she had held and turned to look at her companion fondly. The warmth received by his close form was soothing and she leaned against him without hesitation. Beneath her overgrowth of auburn bangs she stared absently to the smooth stones underpaw, watching but not truly seeing as they rolled and shifted under the gentle pressure of her paw. “You cannot sleep?” came the whisper of a mentally exhausted soul, audible but just barely.

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The quiet was soothing, comforting as she leaned against her dear companion and drew strength from his presence. She was tired but not physically, mentally as her mind had overworked itself fabricating realities that felt far out of reach. Internally her reserved strength had drain almost completely, leaving her to sit as a shell of what she was, hollow...her foundations crumbling beneath. Desperately she clung to anything she could grasp. A warm touch, a gentle feeling, and she would go far to take what she could from this moment; a reminder that she was not alone this night.

Beneath her unruly fringe her eyes had slipped closed lulled by a gentle touch. Words softly spoken were heard but not yet acknowledged. Her mind drifted to and from this plain, following the soothing motions of an equally stricken soul. In the silence she mulled over his words, her posture another but startled by the question he posed. For as a child, she had asked the same thing. Barely into her first year...a travesty impacted her life that forced her to ask the same of her Shepard. But coupled with his admitted thoughts of love had...and lost, she opened her eyes again parting from the delicate embrace to look at him with sorrow in her eyes. She did not ask but the question was there in her eyes, staring deeply into his one good orb... then forced herself to look away. Unknowingly she had pulled herself from him, supported by her own forelimbs as she had turned. The cold caused her to recall this sudden action and without hesitation, she fell along his side again reclaiming her place if not pressing deeper against his side.

Recalling the words of her father, she recited them softly. "'Death is a blessing that allows us to join out ancestors and share our experiences with those we've left behind. It gives us the means to watch over and guide them, to help them through their journeys...'" A faint smile touched her lips at the memory of her father, but faded when the cause of her question returned with full clarity to her mind. "I had asked my father this question, why the ones we cared for had to die. Love was a concept we did not experience, but the bonds we forged were more profound than that. I bonded with many broods that were brought into the world. Cared for them, played with them... it felt unfair that they would die just as their eyes were open and their ears could hear. I asked my father why the ancestors would call the lives to young into their realm...and he said those words to me. They are a part of my belief... but at the time, I did not believe them.

"...but with time I had decided to adopt a new ideal about it. Something that I could accept." She forced down the knot in her throat. "We witness death so that we may become stronger for it. The bonds we share are tested to their resilient limits and we are...made to overcome that pain it causes. Without that pain, we cannot appreciate life and how fragile it is. To be ignorant of that loss if to carry on without the wisdom of how fleeting like can be. We...we experience it so that we strive to do everything within our power to keep it from happening again. To motivate us to be strong enough to protect those remaining bonds we have."

But even said, X'yrin did not know if she could hold onto that belief any longer. For one that believed it was a means to become stronger, she had failed remarkable to make this so. The bonds she had now were fraying at their edges, literally unraveling before her eyes. "But what would I know..." scoffing at her own hypocritical way, she forced her head down in shame. "I have lost and yet I still linger in weakness...hoping for what will never come again rather than insuring that what I have will not tarnish."