[html] 
Sunset found the gray scale female back within the comforting warmth of Haven Mansion. She had spent much of the day out and about within the borders of Crimson Dreams. She had become far more active in her time with the pack, slowly changing her solitary ways. She felt comfortable in Crimson Dreams, which aided in boosting her confidence. She found herself much more confident now - not only in the security of the pack, but in herself. It was a new experience. She felt as though she was growing into a new skin, and she loved it. It felt as though she had never really known herself before this, and every day was a new discovery of her limits. She wouldn't trade it for the world.
The quiet creak of the stairs beneath her paws was a comfort. The feeling of the floor beneath her paws was much more pleasant than the feeling of crackling snow. She was glad to be home. She was looking forward to a quiet night in. Lime green eyes swept the hall way as she walked down the hall. She noticed Savina's door slightly ajar.
Geneva crept quietly toward the door, hovering there for a moment. She hadn't seen Savina in ages and she hadn't been at the feast Jazz had prepared. She had found that odd and had been worried about the dark lady. Hesitating only a moment more, she felt her resolve and pushed the door open with her nose, waiting for a moment before moving to stand in the doorway. "Savina?" she called worriedly, her eyes scanning the room before moving to rest on the bed.
|
[/html]
[html] http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v515/ ... banner.jpg); background-position: bottom center; background-repeat: no-repeat;">
Shame. That was really all she felt anymore. Even the physical pain from the wounds that riddled her body were more or less numb now. There are people who loved her, people who depended on her. And she had let them down. She had let her anger get the best of her and put herself into an incredibly dangerous situation. In all reality she knew that it was possible she could have died. None of her wounds were that serious, but if Apollo hadn't shown up who knows what could have happened. This time she couldn't even really remember what had happened. What she felt the most sick about was having put Kansas through all this. He wasn't mad, was never mad. But he deserved better than that. She had promised him to let him know if he could help her with this. But she hadn't.
Savina hadn't left their room in a few days now. Partly because she was still physically recovering, but also because she didn't feel like she could face her pack. What would they think? There was no hiding the problem this time. She was their leader and couldn't hide such things from them, she couldn't lie to them. Would they be afraid? Not want to follow her anymore? The femme couldn't blame them if that's how they felt.
Her ears twitched and head lifted with effort to look at Geneva entering her room. Ears folded against her head and emerald eyes were full of an emotion she couldn't even name. Some mix between panic and sorrow. "Geneva..." she whispered. Her gaze looked away from the slate wolfess. "I'll...be fine. Nani tended to the wounds." She was at a loss for what else to say.
[/html]
[html]
"You..." look like hell, she finished mentally. Upon meeting Savina's deep emerald green eyes, she knew better than to voice it aloud. Her eyes traced over the dark femme's form before returning once more to her face. No wonder she hadn't seen the Italian woman around. She looked battered, and judging by the look on her face, it wasn't just her body that was hurting.
She opened her mouth to ask what had happened, but shut it once more, just looking helplessly at Savina. She wished that the woman would look her in the face, but had trouble catching her eye. It was obvious that the girl didn't want to talk.
She backed away suddenly, turning as she walked out the doorway without a word. She left Savina's door wide open, a draft of cold air coming in as she left. She headed with a purpose toward her room, just a few doors away from Savina's. She rummaged around for several minutes before emerging with her leather satch, clutching its strap between her teeth. She entered Savina's room just as suddenly as she left, but this time she didn't hesitate as she came farther into the room, stopping right up to the injured woman's bedside.
She placed her satchel on the bed and shook it out slightly. An oyster shell with chipped pieces emerged from the bed, still covered in a few flecks of grainy sand. She nudged it with her nose and the fragile shell tipped to the side, a small round and shining pink pearl rolling out. "I got this for you," she said lamely, unsure of what else she could say to her.
|
[/html]
[html] http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v515/ ... banner.jpg); background-position: bottom center; background-repeat: no-repeat;">
She felt awful. The dark fey was not the type to keep things bottled up inside. But this was different. Her friends and packmates meant so much to her, that the thought of them knowing what she was capable of terrified her. Certainly they would look down on her, even if they weren't afraid. Kansas hadn't been, but he was amazing. He loved her despite what a monster she could become. It was times like these that made her question if she even deserved anyone, much less someone as great as him.
Suddenly Stockholm left the room. Savina stared at the door, feeling the beginning of tears. The gentle femme couldn't even bare to look at her, could she? She was ugly, she knew it. How could her mate stand the sight of her? Would these wounds heal and be covered by her pelt? If not, would he even be attracted to her anymore? It was all becoming far too much for her to handle. She could feel the grip on her composure crumbling.
But then her packmate reentered the room with a satchel. A quizzical look came to her features as Geneva dumped the contents onto the nest of blankets. Eyes watched desperately as the oyster tumbled from the bag and rolled over, revealing the beautiful pearl. The girl put her nose to it and the shell, breathing in the remnants of the ocean scent. "Stockholm...it's beautiful...thank you." The Lt. General had almost forgotten that someone had gotten a gift for her. Even though she had been unable to attend, she had sent her gift for Jazper with Haven.
With that the emotion bubbled over and tears fell from her jeweled orbs. "Geneva...I-I'm a...m-monster..."
[/html]
[html]
Geneva felt relieved that Savina liked her gift. She had picked it up off the beach the day she had gone to the lighthouse with Anu. She had spent hours walking the beach alone, feeling like and idiot after she had...That wasn't a day she cared to remember. Swallowing slightly, she realized she'd need to address her mistakes, and soon. She didn't like to leave things sitting.
Savina's sudden admission startled her, and it showed plainly on her face. She jerked her head back for a moment to look at her - really look at her. She took in her tear-filled eyes and her battered body one more time. She shook her head once, back and forth, before returning to be closer to Savina.
She leaned against the mattress for a moment, hesitating once more. But then she quickly leaned in to Savina and gently ran her nose against the side of her face, trying to comfort her. She drew back just far enough to rest her head on the bed, almost touching noses with the dark lady. She felt the warm of their mingled breaths as she looked into those gem stone eyes. "I could never look at you and see a monster," she said, putting weight behind those words, a gentle force to let Savina know, hoping that the force with which she said them would penetrate Savina's sadness.
|
[/html]
[html] http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v515/ ... banner.jpg); background-position: bottom center; background-repeat: no-repeat;">
Sobs came from her throat. She had been doing her best to stay calm and composed, more for her mate's sake than anything. She had given him enough to worry about without showing him what an emotional wreck she was. It wasn't that she didn't trust him, in fact she trusted him more than anyone. It was just that the wolfess hated risking everything the two of them had gained. The last thing she ever wanted to do was to hurt Kansas.
Savina felt the bed shift and Geneva's nose on her face. The leader took a deep, shuddering breath, attempting to at least calm herself enough to talk. The closeness of her friend helped great amounts. The words of the slate fey were comforting, but she had no idea what lurked inside the Italian wolf. "Not now, you wouldn't now..." she sniffled. "But...there's something inside of me. When I get angry it comes out and I...I can't control it..." Each time it happened it was becoming worse. More symptoms appeared. "That's how this happened."
[/html]
[html]
Geneva took a deep breath, listening carefully to what the Italian girl had to say. It was obvious that the affliction cut deep within her. She couldn't begin to know how deep Savina's problem ran within her, but she didn't need knowledge. She had faith in Savina. No matter how vicious Savina might be in her anger, her remorse spelled it all out.
Anger. She could hardly comprehend it. She hadn't felt the scorch of anger burning her throat in such a long time. The wolfess couldn't pretend to understand what it meant to lose control in the heat of anger, she had never even come close. Her temperament was far too mild. But she knew what it was to have part of yourself buried so deeply beneath something else - something that grew to mask your identity.
"I think..." Geneva began, forming her words thoughtfully, "I think what you have is a problem. A deep rooted one." She was a creature of logic. Her tone became a little less emotional, more reserved as she spoke out her thought processes."Your problem is serious, Savina. It is something you need to master, to learn to control. We can't go losing you. And as for your being a monster," she nuzzled her friend's nose. "Your anger is only a small part of who you are. A monster wouldn't feel remorse, Savina. You're no monster."
|
[/html]
[html] http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v515/ ... banner.jpg); background-position: bottom center; background-repeat: no-repeat;">
Part of the reason she hated it so much is that she viewed this...thing to be so different from her normal self. She was kind, she was compassionate. Normally hate and anger were far from her normal array of emotions and qualities. It was only in these extreme circumstances that it occurred. With her father, with Conri, and now with Hybrid. All of them had done things to harm the ones she loved.
"A huge problem..." she interrupted. In all reality she was listening carefully to the slight wolfess, and knew that she was trying to be delicate with the situation. But it was glaringly obvious that Savina had a really big problem. One she hadn't the slightest clue how to deal with or fix. "I know but...I don't know how to control it. I just...want it to go away. That...thing, it isn't me. The last thing I ever want is to bring any of you pain." The female didn't have any answers, hopefully somebody did.
Geneva's last words did manage to calm her heart some. Her eyes closed and she took a deep breath. "Thank you Geneva...I suppose I might be too harsh on myself at times. I just wish I knew what to do..."
[/html]
[html]
Geneva was thankful when Savina seemed to calm down. The gray wolfess was way out of her element. She didn't handle emotional situations very well. It wasn't that she cared for Savina any less or that she didn't have any empathy. But she found more comfort in reason than she did in emotion. If she could find a way to explain a situation, she could conquer it. Geneva didn't like losing control that way.
She lifted her head from the bed to cock it to the side, musing. "There has to be a way for you to reach inside yourself. Maybe there's a trigger, or a reason. Is it a reaction to a certain thing or creature?" She didn't want to pry. She was asking these questions, but not directing them at Savina. Instead, she was voicing her thought process. "I think the better understanding you have of this part of yourself, the easier it will be to control."
The wolfess rested her head on the bed, closing her bright lime green eyes as she pondered this problem. Geneva was a living, breathing think tank. She lived for puzzles. And her concern for the Italian lady fueled her resolve. "I think, I might know a way to help - it might not fix things, but it could help," she said slowly, opening her eyes. "I'll have to look into it. You'll find a way though." She blinked for a minute, the amended her previous statement. "We'll find a way." She knew that this was a delicate subject for Savina. "I won't force my way into this. This is your business and I don't want to complicate things for you. But I'm here if you do need me."
|
[/html]
[html] http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v515/ ... banner.jpg); background-position: bottom center; background-repeat: no-repeat;">
Even though the query hadn't been directed at her, she answered it anyway. It was the one thing she was certain of in this situation. "Anytime it's happened it's been because of someone who harmed somebody I care about. First my father, then Naniko's ex-mate, and now Hybrid. I just got so angry for what they had done that I lost control. Each time it's getting worse though. This time I don't even remember what happened after it took over..." The next thing she remembered was being in the middle of a forest, cut and bruised, and knowing she had to make it home. But that was it. Her head nodded. Geneva was probably right. Though she thought she understood it fairly well, it was just keeping it controlled that she didn't understand.
There were a few moments of silence and then her friend spoke again, this time with words of hope. Savina's head lifted from the bed, looking into the gray wolf's lighter eyes. "You...you do?" This was something she would accept any and all help with. Right now she felt lost in the ocean. "No...no I want your help. I need it." She looked off towards the door, wondering where her mate was. "I can't do this to him again. To any of you again."
[/html]
[html]
Geneva heard the helpless tone in her voice, but underneath that she felt Savina's resolve. It was obvious she didn't have confidence in herself right now, but she knew that there was deep strength in the woman. It was obvious in how fiercely she loved Kansas and in depth of her loyalty of the pack. She had everything she needed, even if she didn't know that she had it in her yet. She was very confident that everything would be fine for Savina, with time.
Anger. It made her helpless. It seemed as though her emotions took her body over, robbed her of reason. It took a very dominant personality to hold a leadership position in a pack. However, Savina seemed far more laid back. Geneva felt that the two parts of her personality were at war. She needed to accept the fact that she could be vicious and kind. It was what made her a good protector. With acceptance would come control, or so Geneva believed.
"I believe in you," she said. "Let me look into it. I like to be prepared, but I will get right on it. I'm confident that we'll find a way."
|
[/html]
[html] http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v515/ ... banner.jpg); background-position: bottom center; background-repeat: no-repeat;">
A soft whine escaped her throat as she stared at the door. She had apologized to her mate again and again, but it was never enough. Not for her anyway. She had hurt him. He had been disappointed, it was obvious. It wasn't easy for him to hide his emotions either. And having done that, having him feel that towards her made her feel like scum. Kansas hadn't been angry, and he had been there to take care of her, but she could feel the distance between them. Right now, Savina didn't feel as if she deserved him. Would he ever be able to trust her again? Would he still look at her the way he always had? The thought that he might not made her physically ill.
"I hope you're right. And thank you." The dark lady knew that she had to do whatever it took to get this problem under control. Even if they could move past this, having something like this happen a second time would be too much. If that happened she wouldn't be able to face anyone, least of all Kansas. "Do you...think he'll really be able to forgive me?" She could feel the tears seeping back into the corners of her eyes. "I...I had promised to come to him for help with this...and I didn't. I wasn't thinking. He thought I didn't trust him, but I trust him more than anyone." For the Italian femme that had such an issue putting her faith in a male, such a statement was a large deal. Watery eyes looked back to Stockholm. "He means everything to me..."
[/html]
[html]
"I know he loves you," Geneva said. "It is so obvious. And yes, he will forgive you. Your error wasn't as fatal as you might think. To err is wolfen." Savina seemed so worried. Didn't she even know the way that Kansas looked at her? He loved her more than all the stars in the sky. That much she could be sure of.
But on the topic of forgiveness...Savina wasn't the only own with a burdened conscience. She swore softly and rested her chin on the mattress again, rolling the pearl away with her nose. "Savina, I've also made a stupid, stupid mistake..." She just couldn't hold it in any longer. It was like a black bubble waiting to burst. "Anu showed me the lighthouse...I got drunk, and tried to kiss her. I knew it was wrong. I knew it. And nothing came of it, nothing happened. But still, the fact that I knew that Anu is mated, and to my commanding officer no less, I..." Her ears pressed tightly against the back of her skull, her tail tucked between her legs as she made this confession. "I don't even know how I'm going to face Anu again, or Nani."
|
[/html]
[html] http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v515/ ... banner.jpg); background-position: bottom center; background-repeat: no-repeat;">
It was good to hear those words from somebody else. No one outside of the relationship had ever really commented on them before who had seen them. Anu had been greatly helpful, but she hadn't even met Kansas or seen them together. Deep down she knew that he would forgive her, their bond was too strong for something like this to break it completely. But the fear of losing him was greater than she had ever known. The girl couldn't even imagine what she would do if that were to happen. It would break her, that much she knew. Sleek head nodded, unable to find any words to respond with this time.
At Geneva's sudden change in demeanor, her head tilted slightly to the side. A mistake? Surely not a large mistake. The female seemed so together, so level-headed. It was hard for Savina to imagine something that would throw her so off balance. As the confession came out, her eyes widened a little bit, but not much. Perhaps she had become jaded to such little things as an attempt for a kiss. It really seemed like small beans compared to what else she knew that alcohol had induced. "Geneva...don't be so hard on yourself." Gently she nudged the woman with her nose. "Yes, it was a mistake, but as you said nothing came of it. I know Anu, and she will not hold it against you"
She took a deep breath, looking off to the side of the room. "From what I know, it is best to stay away from alcohol. It makes good-natured wolves, such as yourself, do really stupid things. What you've done is nothing compared to some." Her mind shot to what had transpired between Kansas and Naniko. Of course she wouldn't say anything about that to Geneva. It wasn't her place to throw such information around. It was Kansas' private shame, and she would protect it from the rest of the world. "Nani has made mistakes too, I know she has. And surely Anu as well. They will understand." She laid her head next to her friend, hoping she would find comfort in the words.
[/html]
[html]
Her ears still pressed against her head, her tail hung low. Savina's words were definitely a comfort, but the guilt that gnawed at her mind and kept her up at night wouldn't dissolve so quickly. What had transpired in the lighthouse might not have been the most scandalous of affairs, but the feelings that had accompanied her actions had shaken Geneva to her core.
She always had such a tight rein on herself, and when she let go, such horrible things happened. Emotions were volatile things, and she much preferred the control and constraint of logic. Feeling so deeply for Anu scared her - the fact that she was capable of such a depth of longing, attraction, or whatever it was, scared her. She hadn't even felt a shadow of that sort of emotion since her mate had succumbed to illness.
And there was so much guilt. She voiced her thoughts without really knowing why. "I just feel so low, Savina. I betrayed the trust of a friend, of the leader of my pack. Two friends. The worst part is, I remember making the choice. It was me, not the alcohol."
Geneva swallowed hard, this time her voice was raw. "And the fact that I would act so impulsive...the fact that I would let myself feel that way so soon after Jordan died...I just--" She shook her head again. "There's no excuse for me."
|
[/html]
[html] http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v515/ ... banner.jpg); background-position: bottom center; background-repeat: no-repeat;">
This thread is emo-tastic.
Savina had missed the thing that was perhaps bothering Geneva the most. The emotional part of this. The sable wolfess was a creature of emotions. They dictated most of the things that she did. That wasn't to say that she didn't have her logic, but she did feel things out more than she thought them out. Her heart was perpetually on her sleeve. Whether that was good or bad was arguable, but it was simply the way she had always been. She couldn't think of herself living any other way.
"I've betrayed their trust too. All of their trust." Naniko had trusted her to help her lead. To help keep the pack safe and secure. Yet her foolish loss of control could have potentially put them all in danger. She wondered if Nani had made a choice with Kansas. Or if he had. The question that Conri had asked her came to her mind. Can alcohol really make you do things if you don't want to? Or do they just give you the guts to do things you've always wanted to? She didn't have the answer to that. She doubted she would find much comfort in it either. "Emotions...are hard to control sometimes." Obviously. "But...we'll find our way through all this. Somehow." She felt bad that she didn't have any more to offer as far as advice.
Her head lifted at the mention of the name Jordan. The Lt. General knew that Stockholm had been pregnant before she came here and lost the litter. But there had never been any mention of a mate or a love of any kind. "Jordan? Was he..." Her voice drifted off. Now probably wasn't the best time to reopen old wounds.
[/html]
[html]
She nodded and felt very vulnerable. But now was not the time to hide away, now was the time to do that. She had opened the floodgates, and she would see the rest of the way through. She was helpless to stopping it really. She trusted Savina and that was all it took. She didn't exactly feel very stable, but she felt safe.
"Jordan," she said, a mixture of love so deep, and guilt so acrid in her voice. "My mate." And she had betrayed him in every way. She had watched him waste away from disease. Although she did not smell very well, she could clearly recall the scent of his sickness, sweet and strange and so wrong. It had clung to his skin, so that she could no longer separate his scent from that of his illness. "He was so sick, right before he died. He told me he wanted me to be happy and to find someone else to be with, that I shouldn't be alone." Her tone now was no longer lost, but filled with such disgust. "And I - I told him I never would, that I would never feel even a shadow of what I had felt for him. I promised, on his deathbed."
She buried her face in Savina's neck, too ashamed to look her in the face. But she didn't want to run. She felt so alone in that moment, she couldn't bear to lose this connection with Savina. "I lied."
|
[/html]
[html] http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v515/ ... banner.jpg); background-position: bottom center; background-repeat: no-repeat;">
The Italian girl's heart bled for her friend right now. She had never seen such hurt in the paler wolfess, not even at the borders when she joined. Knowing how much it scared her to be without Kansas made her able to at least fathom how deeply Geneva felt the loss. It sounded as if this hadn't happen all that long ago, so she was greatly impressed in her ability to at least move on and keep herself somewhat well maintained. Savina wouldn't trust herself to be able to do that in such a position.
Ears folded back against her head as her packmate relayed the sad tale. As the smaller femme buried her face into her neck she didn't make any move to recoil. She tried to moved herself closer, to give her more physical comfort. One paw moved, with a wince, to lay over Stockholm's, and her tail gently brushed against her backside. "Geneva I...I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine..." Tenderly she licked the top of her friend's head. "But...he said that he didn't want you to be alone. I know you promised him that, because I'm sure at the time you couldn't imagine ever feeling that way for anyone else."
"But you can't control your emotions completely. I never thought I would have a mate. After what my father did to my mother. I never thought that I would be able to trust a male with my heart." She didn't need to go into the details about meeting Kansas. It was obvious they were together now and that she had managed to get over that fear. "I don't think you lied. You meant it at the time. I'm certain he'd still want you to be able to find someone else eventually." Would any of this help her? She sincerely hoped so.
[/html]
[html]
Geneva nodded as Savina's words penetrated the cloud of guilt that had descended over her. It was still there, permeating her thoughts, present in her dreams and robbing her of sleep at night, but Savina's words gave her a little clarity. It was rational, logical for the living to keep on living. She had to come to terms with this. Jordan was dead and gone, and probably couldn't give half a damn what was going on in the mortal coil, wherever he was now. And if he could see her now, he'd probably call her a huge dope.
"I did mean it," Geneva said, dry-eyed. Her voice was a little raspy with unshed tears. She hadn't cried for him, not really. She hadn't cried for herself either. There would be time for that, when she was in the company of her own four walls. But now was not that time. Now was the time for strength. SHe could battle her inner demons without conjuring up images of them. She'd stare them down later. For now, there was Savina, and there was hope too.
"It is just so...hard." Hard didn't even begin to cover it. She hadn't let herself really think about it, let herself process the loss. But now the floodgates were open, and she felt as though she could reason, could think about it, if only a little at a time. Perhaps now she could combat this sense of loss instead of letting it fester. She drew back to look at Savina. "We're a right mess," she said with a bit of amusement in her whispery voice.
|
[/html]
[html] http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v515/ ... banner.jpg); background-position: bottom center; background-repeat: no-repeat;">
Shall we wrap this up?
Savina just sat patiently, waiting for her words to reach through to her friend. Romantic love was something that some would argue she was still rather inexperienced in. However it was something that she had learned very quickly. That wasn't to say that she at all could even had an inkling on how much this was affecting her friend. That was something you couldn't know unless you had gone through it yourself (which she selfishly wished wouldn't happen until the end of Kansas' and her lives). But she would do whatever she could to help Geneva get through this.
"I know..." She nuzzled her nose against the side of her packmate's face. Suddenly an image of her mother flashed before her eyes. This must have been similar to what Amata felt after Serge had abandoned her. It was still a different situation, considering Serge had been alive and well, he had just decided he didn't want to anything to do with her or the lives they had created. She really couldn't imagine how her mother had done it. She had been so strong. It was a strength that Savina strived for.
For the first time in what seemed like a very long while, the fey let a small smile mold her lips. Geneva was right, they were quite the pair right now. Both feeling lost, both trying to make amends for the wrongs they had done, sitting here breaking down on her bed. Maybe that was what they both had needed though. "You're right. But...I think we'll both get through this. At least I hope so." Inky lids began to droop over her jeweled eyes. She'd been doing a lot of sleeping as of late. The fight had taken a lot out of her; emotionally, physically, and mentally. "I'm afraid sleep is calling to me again," she said as she stifled a yawn.
[/html]
|
