There was something wrong with her. It was obvious. But still she could not find what it was. Was it the way she looked? The way her hair fell heavily passed her shoulders, or could it have been her height. No, as much as she disliked how large she had become Mati was sure that it was something inside that was wrong. She felt different, off since coming home from the nights in the city. But before then she had been happy, and had the prospect of a content future. And now, as she pulled at the bandages that were wrapped tightly around her arms, she wasn’t so sure about that.

The knowledge that her brother would no longer call Crimson Dreams home was heart breaking. She knew that he needed something more, he needed something different in order to find himself, but she had hoped to be part of that discovery. They had always been best friends, and now they were not even pack mates. It was a harsh reality to live with, and as hard as she tried she could not make it disappear as she had all of those other things that she ignored. Her mother’s break up, the attack by the wolf on the boarder, her father’s history and what he had done to her birth mother. All of that could be pushed deep into her mind, forgotten, even the attack that left evidence all up and down her arms could be looked over, even if it was for the briefest of moments.

The black wolf, whose white collar shone in her memory like a fallen halo, haunted the recesses of her mind. He plagued her dreams, and she would wake unable to breath. The attack on her lungs was just another reminder of the pain and trauma inflicted. It was what kept her up, sitting in the middle of the large front room of the mansion. A few candle flickered, keeping the dark and the nightmares at bay. The girl held her sketchpad, and the picture she drew was one that depicted a scene that was completely opposite her feelings. It was lightly sketched, featuring a tree, and a pair of her favored prey. Their delicate legs flowing and melting with the whisking blades grass they stood among. She prayed and wished for the tranquility of the picture to flow up through hand and into the battered arm that held her pencil.

To distract her mind Mati began the shading that would make the deer of her picture come to life. The male stood just before the doe, his antlers uncharacteristically large for the time of years she depicted. No they would not have a set so large in spring, but it was what she wanted and so she created it. It was what she liked most about painting and drawing, the power and control she had over the contents and the subjects of her art. Even if it didn’t end up as accurate or beautiful as she hoped, she had still made it. The silence of the room, and the dark that surrounded her candle flames was deafening and overpowering but calm all simultaneously. It frightened her, but slowly she was growing numb to the fear. She had seen her death, accepted it just nights before. What would she have to fear in her own house?

A noise startled her, even with her new confidence and courage. She paused, eyes still looking downward at her paper. Closing her eyes softly the female took in her surroundings with the rest of her senses. There was no unfamiliar smell, just the comfort of home filling her nose. The sound against the floorboards was light, the weight of someone lighter then she. It brought a new sense of ease to her mind, enough that purple eyes could open and look to the one that approached. Finding the form a black wolf in the dark shook her, but it was easy to recover when she saw her aunt standing before her. Mati could even smile, though concern was written on her face. Had she woke her? The words weren’t expected, and Mati looked down at the paper, her smile turning to a little grin. Thanks Auntie. her voice was soft, happy to feel the warmth of her compliment.

She looked away at her next words, unsure of how to tell the story of what happened. But she had been reluctant to tell even her mother, how could she tell Savina without admitting her foolishness. Mati kept silent for many moments, debating on which details to include and which to keep hidden. I found out that Haven isn’t coming home, so I hid in the university. Mati paused, finding that it was her brother that was being made the wrong doer, she tried to fix that. And I shouldn’t have been there, and I know it. There was a wolf, and he attacked me. But Onus came, he saved my life. He saved her from being raped, a realization that had occurred while she lay alone, replaying that attack over in her head as she fought to sleep. She hadn’t known, hadn't been able to believe that such things could happen to her. But they happened to her own mother, and did that make her more susceptible? Momma took care of me. She meekly reassured her Aunt that nothing had been forgotten, though the pain of it was being relived and shown deeply in her body.

mati needs this. , <3 u too

It was hard to talk to her mother about Haven, because then she would have to also recognize the rape and the pain as well as the father that had hurt them all. Maybe Savina would understand? But then, Mati wasn’t sure that she even wanted to say the words. There was obvious concern on her face, and though Mati never wanted to worry anyone she needed the attention of her Aunt. Her soft body fell into the other female. Her Aunt was only an adopted relative, but Mati was not a stranger to having relatives that held no blood connection. Her second mother was nothing more then a wolfess that loved her, and that was more then enough for the girl. Everyone was family here, and her hungry heart devoured those connections eagerly and held tight to those she loved. Her words were an extra blanket of comfort, though the question was still unsettling. But she described the attacker, Black coated, he almost looked like a magpie. With a ring of white around his neck and shoulders. But he was no bird, and held the weight o a wolf the size of Jazper. He had black eyes. And he was devote, soft spoken and to her humiliation... tempting.

She was quiet then, listening as Savina spoke of her own scars. Feeling the uneven skin under the soft fur of her slender arm Mati did feel a bit of relief. It would take time, but maybe her arms would heal. Savi spoke of Ehno, and how they hadn’t always been together. Mati felt a longing to be near her brother, but at the same moment she understood why he needed to be gone. There was a part of her that wanted to be gone too. She looked to the soft smile, and gave her own. I want him to be happy. Of course she did, but there was so much of her that wanted to be part of the things that made his life important. And she couldn’t help but feel left behind, as if he didn’t want to be part of all the things that would make her life one of significance. You found each other though… They were together again, and Mati knew that she and Haven had separate destinies. She wasn’t ready to absorb that fact completely. Haven promised to stay close, its momma... its what happened thats torn him apart. Eyes would not look at the midnight wolfess, but Mati knew the look that would be on her face.

She did feel safe, while inside the walls of the manor. But then she had thought the classroom was safe too, but that place was tainted now. Its floors covered with her, and the monsters blood. Mati wanted her home to stay as sacred as she believed it was, no spilled blood, no monsters. She did believe that they would stop him, they were powerful when together and even she could fight while beside the pack. Their numbers would be strength and even the dark couldn’t match such a thing. I know that. She spoke with a small smile, reassuring Savina that she felt the security that she and her mothers fought for daily.

Fingers felt the binding of the sketch book as her Aunt spoke, talking of Haven. And it was all true, the happiness that she hoped to feel for him. She wanted to be happy too, but she was also having second thoughts on whether she could find it within their pack. Mati wanted to, desperately. But there was doubt. I want to be happy for him, its so hard for him to be away. And then I worry, and try to be happy all at the same moment... How could she even try, Mati thought while looking down at the tight wrappings around her arms. She couldn’t expect to find that now, she would have to wait. She would have to find patience. She would have to heal.

Mati could only become the victim, and that was a hard realization and reality to face. She had been close to it, and it frightened her far more now. But, Haven… His fear was greater, to could become the thing that she feared. It was impossible, but she could not instill that truth in him, he would have to find it. He has to do this, but it hurts so much. Mati concluded, no matter how right it was, it hurt. The girl took a deep breath, looking to the other femme in the eye and recognized the comfort that was filtering into her body. She smiled, a new trust in the knowledge that the future was going to be painful and hard. But that she had support.

Looking down, Mati touched her Aunt's arm lightly. Where did you get your scars? Maybe someday someone would ask her the same question, Mati wondered if she would tell the truth.

Mati hadn’t thought that anyone would understand. Of course her mothers would be upset about Haven, but it was different for them. Children were expected to venture out, and knowing how he felt about their father would be different for them too. Maybe even more painful. Savi’s advice was something that Mati could take to heart. She spoke of time, and patience that Mati had yet to master. She knew how it hurt, and she knew Haven almost as well as Mati did. The things she said only reiterated what she believed herself, but she needed to hear them. Needed to know that they were true. But till Mati could not speak of it any more, and needed to let them sink into her skull and settle. She was glad her question had changed the subject, even if for just a moment.

Mati listened in silence, picturing her aunt facing a fierce coyote. It was hard to see the black wolfess pitted against any beast, Mati had always known her to be a gentle soul. She was a kind leader, and a loving mother. The girl knew nothing about her rage, and only understood that she was protective but did not know what lengths she would go to keep the pack safe. It all sounded like the foolishness Mati had exhibited the night before, I was foolish too. I had been warned, and didn’t listen. If I hadn’t been found, I wouldn’t have made it home either. Mati paused, looking up at the dark furred woman’s face. I want to be strong, but I don’t know when if I’ll ever not be afraid. Her voice was weak, but it held the desire what thing she spoke of. Was Savina afraid of the coyote that she had fought? Mati didn’t even have the courage to ask.

There was certainly a difference between talking to the Lt. General and her mothers. Of course she had drowned them in the tears she shed as she spoke of the event, but they had wanted to know much more about her physical condition, about the assailant, and about what truly happened. Savina’s concern was just a bit different. She could speak to her calmly, explain that she understood her feelings and give her the advice she needed to move forward. To move passed her fear. Her mothers had been too panicked to shower her with confidence building words.

Haven had needed to leave in order to face his fear. Living beyond the security that she and their family would bring him would allow him to stand on his own and find that he was truly unlike their father. Not matter how often she told him, there was no way for him to truly know if he did not face it on his own. But unlike her brother, Mati needed her family. She needed to prove that she could stand guard and protect them as they always had her. Maybe in that return, and in that sort of gratitude she would find a way to face her fears.

I hope I can move on. She spoke meekly, but as she leaned more on the other wolfess Mati felt the support that she so whiling gave. I think I can. She spoke with a sigh, she wouldn’t give into the pain that she felt and would pull herself through it no matter what. If she could be here so that she could feel safe as she grew her confidence, Mati would flourish and become strong in every way.