OOC: ::Word Count:: 500+

The sky was a million shades of blue and orange, tinted with a faraway lilac, and Urma watched it as she sat on the cool earth, not far from the Manor. The wind combed through her fur with ease, bending the blades of grass in the same direction, like a silent whisper, calling its audience to order. The pack lands were silent, dusk creeping in on them without so much as a warning, except for the rapidly changing colours of the sky. Those colours beckoned Urma to watch them, lost as she was in her own thoughts, and as she bent a front paw so as to tuck it under her, a sigh escaped her. A million questions rose to the top of her mind, like the millions of particles of substance that she could almost feel between herself and Pilot, more present than ever. As much as she tried to chase the lingering despair away, she found that she couldn't. All seemed lost to her, save the ability to hope and remember.


The sky had turned a darker shade, orange slowly melting into burgundy red, blue turning a navy shade, and lilac blending itself into a vivid purple. Her eyes focused on the shimmery line on the horizon, towards which all these tones seemed to converge. Her heart was heavy with all that had remained unresolved, and the worries and disappointments with which she had left Inferni lands a few days ago crept back. Now there was nothing to keep her from thinking about that: no Naniko or Ehno, nothing at all. Her entire body felt to her as if it weighed a ton, and not even solid earth under her could keep her from thinking she was plummeting, ground and all, towards an endless abyss. It took all the strength and energy she had to keep her from breaking down. All the mental and physical strain took their toll, and another, this time longer, sigh escaped her.


It had seemed easy to think, traveling back from Inferni, that she shouldn't have gone there at all. Now, back in her own territory, she knew it wouldn't have made any difference to her-- at least now, she knew that what she had found out was the truth. As hard and compelling as it had been before for her to think this, she now lived with it as a certainty that there was nothing left for her to cling to, except Pilot's return. And then, she thought, when he did return, how much of the wolf she had known was left? How long would it take both of them to put behind them the ghosts of a past that now haunted them daily? Would they be able to? Would Pilot want to forget it? All these uncertainties faced her yet again with the unknown, and she felt as hopeless and helpless as on the day she had set out to find him. Even if she'd ever leave in search of him again, she would no longer know who or what she was looking for.

300+

It appeared that the equilibrium that had been disrupted by the incident was finally returning. Savina welcomed its return with open arms. She was a creature of peace, not chaos. She did not survive well in a stressful environment. It stifled her, choked her, buried her under an unbearable weight. It made her question everything, especially her strength. Was she good enough and strong enough to lead the pack? Was she worthy? But now that things were calming down she felt better, felt more confident. Of course she would always worry about if she were living up to her packmate's expectations, but now that fear wasn't crippling.



The sun was setting but she was still out walking the lands. She usually didn't return to the manor until the darkness had already settled. Once she had been such a night owl, but having pups had changed that for her. They got up early instead of staying up late. Well, for the most part anyway. Sometimes they switched things up, but they had changed her sleeping patterns. A yawn even managed to split her maw wide open as she walked. She wasn't all that tired yet, but her body was winding down, getting ready to settle into the snug room with her family. Just a little bit further and then she would turn back towards the mansion.



As her paws traveled further though a light form caught her eye. It was Urma. Savina hadn't really talked much with her friend since her arrival and now seemed as good a time as any to check up on her. She had been so exhausted when she had come here, hopefully she had recovered some. A soft smile was on her face and she walked up to the pale wolfess. "Hello Urma, how're you doing? Settling in alright?" Savina sincerely hoped that she were, and if for some reason she weren't, that there was something she could do to help.

OOC: ::Word Count:: 400+

Urma's thoughts drifted insistently back to the abrupt end her conversation with the Inferni leader had had. She hadn't meant to offend the Aquila. Thinking back about it, despite all his help, she couldn't have been happier to leave those lands. They hadn't inspired her any trust, and the images she could form based on what the wolf had said tortured her. Distance had always been her way of putting something more substantial between herself and her deepest thoughts. It was physical and emotional torture to think of all that had been said without the minimum of comfort to fall back on. At least back here she had something to fall back on-- some sense of home, of belonging.


She had been so absorbed in her thoughts that she hadn't even noticed her ebony friend approaching. It was only her name, spoken out loud, and the question, that startled her back into reality, and she finally noticed Savina. She forced her thoughts back, hoping she would be able to keep them at bay in the back of her mind, where they wouldn't trouble her. She hoped the black female hadn't noticed her disappearance for two days, which was how long her journey to Inferni had taken. Maybe this was just coincidence and had nothing to do with anything, so Urma tried to respond as naturally as she could, "Hello, Savina. Yes, I'm alright, thank you. I am settling in quite well. I've regained much of my strength, so I guess that helps." Urma couldn't help noticing for herself how fake and hollow her words sounded. Her feelings were something she hadn't always been able to keep from interfering with her attitude.


She turned to look at the sky, feeling her emotional changes were closely related to the rapidly appearing differences in lighting across the sky. Her eyes followed the horizon, trying to distinguish all of the different tones and hues, colours that were overly saturated flowing into one another effortlessly. She felt as complicated as the sky she was looking at, and as faraway from anything that she could safely relate to as the sky was from the earth. It almost seemed difficult for Urma to stay near people who only wanted her good, like Savina, when feeling like a castaway came like second-nature to her. You hurt me. By being and not being, you hurt me. She turned back to look at her dark friend. Her voice sounded lost and hollow as she spoke. "How have things been for you?"

300+

Savina had so hoped that Urma would be doing better, but when she spoke it was clear that that was not the case. Despite her words, there was nothing behind them, and she could see the somewhat haunted look in those yellow eyes. True enough, she looked physically better, stronger than she had been when she had arrived. Though that was all that seemed better. In fact everything else seemed worse. Dark ears and tail drooped as her friend looked from her back out to the changing sky. Savina took the opportunity to sit and think about what could have caused this degradation. Had she gotten some recent news of Pilot? But if that were so, who would have given it? Who would know where he was or if they were strangers who would they know to tell? That didn't seem to fit. But what else could it be, if not about Pilot? The Commander highly doubted that any other subject could bring her lower than she already had been.



When Urma turned back to her she looked at her with concerned eyes. She knew that the woman was trying to put on a happy face so as not to cause her worry, but it wasn't working. Savina took in a breath and let it out slowly. She did not answer the question that had been asked of her. Right now that seemed pretty irrelevant. "Urma...what's the matter? Don't try to deny it, I can tell something is deeply bothering you. I can try to help you...or even if I can't, I can listen." It wasn't healthy to keep something that caused you so much anguish locked inside, Savina knew from first hand experience. It only tore you apart harder and faster. She didn't want to see that happen to Urma. She deserved peace, even if all she could get was a small measure.

OOC: ::Word Count:: 500+

Urma listened to her dark friend speak, her heart dropping somewhere below her stomach as she heard what the ebony female had to say. She let out a soft sigh, the fact that she had no means of putting on an act any further coming as a sad realization to her. She took her time, thinking about all that she had found out, trying to filter the information as much as she could in the hopes that she would not let too much on. It was Pilot's story, and even if she may not have had any right to know it from anyone else than him, the fact that she knew as much as she did didn't mean it gave her any right to pass it along. It was needless to say that Urma had no idea how much of what had been said to her was true, and therefore couldn't pass it along as foolproof information.


She shifted positions a bit, uncomfortable with the situation she was in. Lying to Savina wasn't an option she preferred-- but then again neither was telling Pilot's secret, which she could make little of herself, in the absence of anything from him. There was a slim chance that Savina herself hadn't told Urma everything that had passed between her and Pilot in the form of words or small gestures, anything that could give a small bit of information away. But even so, that possibility didn't give her any right to spread the word about what had happened in Inferni. She sighed again, before finally saying, "I went to Inferni." The statement sounded definite even to her, and her ears pressed themselves against her head guiltily. It was as if that short sentence could encompass everything that had happened there, everything the Aquila had told her, all her conclusions and thoughts since then. It came from deep within her, telling only of pain and loss and the almost insurmountable task of forgiving.


The soft wind breezed through her fur pleasantly, but her tumultuous feelings almost made it impossible for her to relish the sensation. It seemed somehow odd for Urma to find herself here, so peacefully settled on the firm ground beneath her, when her life spoke of no certainties at all. What was left of the old days? Why was every pleasant feeling she could think of strongly connected to the past? In his absence, was there really nothing that could be done to fill that growing chasm in her heart, at least a small bit? What use was there to be safe and to belong, if there was no one but yourself to do it for? And even if he was safe, would she be able to look at him with the same eyes, would she be able to find in him what she had found in the beginning? Would they be able to, in time, accept all that would then be their past? Suddenly, she heard herself say, "I wish I knew how much of the old Pilot is still left."

300+

It could be hard to know when you were prying into territory that wasn't exactly your business. Savina herself kept a secret that did not really belong to her. The information of what had occurred between Kansas, Naniko and Lucifer was something she held deep inside, careful to make sure that no one else ever saw it. Like what had happened with Pilot, what had happened with Kansas was not her information to share. Her love had made a mistake and she knew that he felt awful for it. She knew that he didn't want anyone else to know of what had happened that night. So she had never told another soul. Not too long ago she had come close to telling her brother out of her hysteria, but she had been able to keep it inside. It wasn't something anyone else needed to know.



Quietly she allowed Urma to collect her thoughts and decide what she wanted to say. It was her life and her problems and if she didn't want Savina involved it was understandable. Though the Italian hoped that the pale femme would let her in at least a little. The pack was a support system, and it was clear that Urma needed some support right now. Though she had not expected to hear the words that came out of her friend's mouth. She was dumbstruck for a moment, her face unable to hide her reaction. Then, even though she had seen nothing alarming on her approach, her eyes searched Urma for any wounds. Thankfully she saw no evidence that she had been attacked. But now it was clear that she knew what had befallen Pilot in the clan, and in fact, knew even more disturbing information that Savina was ignorant of. 'I...I'm glad you weren't hurt. It can be dangerous...to go there..." Her words were only partially true though. Urma clearly had been hurt, just not in the physical sense.



There was some more silence and then the Sergeant spoke again, longing evident in her voice. Savina looked sympathetically over at her friend, wishing there was something she could do. That there was some kind of assurance that she could give her, but there was nothing. She really didn't know any more than Urma did. She wondered if perhaps she should tell her what she had gone and done after she had last seen Pilot. The woman decided against it though, at least for the moment. She doubted that it would help at all. "I know...I wish I could give you an answer..." That was all she could do, was wish.

OOC: ::Word Count:: 500+

It seemed like quite some time since the white femme had had a conversation of this nature. It felt unfair, in a way, to constantly bring this subject up whenever in the ebony she-wolf's company-- there surely were better things to talk about than just this. However, on that same note, the pale female was conscious of the fact that most of the times she found it nearly impossible to concentrate on anything else while in Crimson Dreams lands. The futility of dwelling on such thoughts was apparent to anyone, but she refused to let go of her stubborn hopes that what had been said to her was a variation of the truth. The Aquila had seemed reticent in saying much on the matter, had in fact tried to avoid letting on the truth he was aware of in its entirety, giving the pale Crimson Dreamer the sense that he was as slippery as water. Following the same metaphor, the ideas he had put forward for her to use as she most deemed fit felt like the reflection of a fact-- distorted, as one would see themselves upon the surface of a lake.


The thoughts that roamed through her head freely, without any complaint from the part of her that still wished for a bit of peace and quiet, were nothing if not woebegone. The dejectedness of the situation weighed down on her, multiplying her already numerous thoughts and amplifying their magnitude, so that her problems seemed all of a sudden tasks simply impossible to overcome. Although she had been able to keep her composure upon her immediate return and had tried dealing with Naniko's problem, the outcome of her journey to Inferni had in the end taken its toll, leaving the ashen wolf sick with grief. Most of the days she spent hidden in her den, covering herself in darkness and shunning away any light, as if the simple sliver of outside brightness would give her new hopes. She came out only for the occasional hunt, struggling to give herself sufficient reasons as to why she needed to go on. Facing the impossibility of coming to terms with all that had happened weakened her, draining even the small crevices in which she kept the remainder of her reserves of willpower.


Gently laying her head on top of her front paws, the desolate female turned her head slightly so as to be able to look at her dark friend. She lost herself in her companion's emerald orbs, searching for anything that could indicate that this would all sort out, in the end. However, the disconsolate femme already knew there was not much left for her to do, save put the past behind her and embrace everything that came to her as it was. No matter how tired or downcast or plain wretched she felt, she would have to find reason beyond her current state so as to be able to climb out of the rut she was presently in. With great effort, as if speech were something significantly estranged to her, the amber eyes searched for Savina's, before the white she-wolf said, "It wasn't dangerous. Their leader found me at the borders. He knew about Pilot." They were lovers. Her voice came out strangled as she struggled to add, "He knew and he didn't do anything about it. And I don't blame him." The sorrowful tone came to an abrupt halt as the distraught female hid her head between her bent paws.

Sorry, this is crappy :< 300+

The silence and tension in the air was incredibly uncomfortable, and yet the Commander didn't dare break it. Something was wrong. Something was very wrong. She could feel it deep down in her gut. It made her shift her weight from foot to foot nervously. The darkness and weight of this situation was hanging over her and she knew that it was about to come crashing down on top of her. The build-up was unbearable. Savina watched Urma intently, unable to hide the concern and distress from her eyes. She had never been good at hiding her true feelings, and this was no different. Maybe that was a bad quality for a leader, but it wasn't something she could change. If it ended up becoming a burden to the pack then she would step down. She wasn't sure how that would come to be, but she knew better than to dismiss its possibility.



Finally, when Urma looked at her and began to speak, her ears strained forward. The tone of that voice made her heart want to break, and the words that were issued were shocking. The leader of Inferni had known about Pilot? "What?" Savina said, incredulous. The leader had known and done nothing? Did he want to start a war? A white hot anger rose up in her chest and her eyes blazed. Had she known this earlier she would have gone and demanded an audience with their leader instead of barreling after Hybrid. She had figured that the other members of the clan, especially the high-ranking ones, had been ignorant of the situation (however far-fetched that belief had been). Now, learning otherwise, she was infuriated. This pathetic excuse for a leader had stood by and let such an injustice happen? It was incomprehensible and the obsidian femme wanted justice.



Though the final sentence Urma had spoke, at first unheard by her ears, was perhaps the most shocking of all. She...didn't blame him? A puzzled look overtook the one of outrage, though her anger still bubbled under the surface. "Why..?" Perhaps it was unfair of her to ask, or not her place, but the question came out before she could even think about keeping it inside. It was all too confusing and Savina could make no sense of it at all.

OOC: Of course it's not crappy ^^;; ::Word Count:: 600+

The silence gave the pale femme time to mule on her thoughts more thoroughly. It helped her uncover the memory of her trip to Halifax and her conversation with Naniko. It was an encounter on which she hadn't dwelt outside of her discussion with Ehno, which she knew not to be wise to bring up here. But now there was something else troubling her related to what she had found out in the city. Back then, although a nagging thought in the back of her head, it had gone without troubling her too much; now, however, the thought that both Pilot and his former mate were alone, their chances of encounter slim but not completely unlikely, made her head spin. After all that she had found out from Gabriel concerning Pilot, she felt torn between her complete trust in the white male and the certain tone with which the Aquila had spoken to her about the situation in which the former Crimson Dreamer had found himself while in Inferni lands.


Savina's shock came as little surprise to the white female. It was only natural, and Urma still confronted her own demons about how she had been able to so readily accept the coyote's explanation. How come the nature things had taken could shock anyone but her. It was as if her suffering, her fears and her shattered ambitions and hopes for the future, made her immune to anymore hurt. It was as if she had gathered so much pain inside of her that there was no more space for more, making any piece of information that should naturally affect her simply bounce off her. This desolation threatened to suffocate her, and each breath seemed as useless as the one before. No matter how much Urma had tried to find shelter in the stories of different lands conjured by someone's imagination, she had found nothing but a false sense of hope there, hope which only managed to delay her disappointment, not override it. She looked at her dark friend with sorrow in her eyes, the longing for a chance of finally finding Pilot slowly ebbing away. "Because there was nothing he could do. This story... It is not mine to tell. Nothing you or I have imagined happened to Pilot is true. That's all I can tell you. That's all I should know, myself." Her grief took hold of her again, but her mind was made up that she held no right to say what had been said to her to anyone, unless Pilot wished so. "I urged him to tell me all he knew, though I could see he found no delectation in it. I never thought I'd hear what I heard. I am keeping a secret that is not mine, but circumstances force me to bear part of his weight." She felt a deep sense of loss, deepening the chasm between her and Pilot, but also giving way to a new kind of bond between them.


A thought occurred to her, and she looked at her ebony companion more closely as she slowly asked, "Are you sure Pilot is looking for his family? There are more things now for me to worry about." Her heart felt poisoned with anguish. She sighed a deep, solitary sigh. She closed her eyes, sensing the dimension of the world and the intricate subtleties it was fueled by. "I am afraid that while I sit here, waiting for... a miracle, perhaps? While I'm sitting here, he may forget me. Distance and time are helpful healers, but they are also cunning ones." Her voice was faint as she struggled to continue. "His former mate survived the fire. And while I don't claim to know her, nor should I claim to have right to bear her any grudges, I fear losing him to her. I look back on my first days in these lands, and there is not one thing that doesn't remind me of him." An incredibly sad smile appeared on her muzzle. "I have this image... this image of us happy. She had her time. I don't want to be robbed of the little, if any, that might be given to me."

Thanks <3 & poor Urma D: at least Savina is like "I totally get how you feel" 300+

The Commander sat there frozen, unable to a muscle for the shock that jolted her system. None of this made sense. The words that were flowing out of Urma's mouth were in opposition to everything she thought she knew of this situation. Though the pale femme was not lying, would never lie about this. All these words were true and it shook Savina like she couldn't have expected. Knowing how much this effected her, she couldn't even imagine what it had done to Urma. Despite having no details, some things were made crystal clear. Apparently, Pilot had not exactly been held against his will. At least that was what she was gathering from all this. Not only that, but much darker things. Things darker than she ever wished to imagine. She heaved a heavy sigh and looked out past the horizon for a moment, trying to take all of this in.



"I understand. I carry a similar secret for similar reasons. It does not belong to me, but it is not mine to share either. You needn't say anymore on the matter." The weight of Kansas' secret was lighter on her now, not as overshadowing. She knew that he wanted her and her alone and he would not be unfaithful to her. Though not having Naniko around did something to help it as well. Founded or not, there had always been a fear of her trying to take Kansas away from her, and that was something she could not bear. "I don't know if it will help or not, but you should know. When I saw him, he was concerned about how whatever happened would effect the way you felt about him. He was worried that you wouldn't want him anymore, that you wouldn't love him." No matter what atrocities had ocurred behind the borders of Inferni, Pilot truly had been concerned about his relationship with Urma. That much Savina did know.



The Italian fey knew little and less of Pilot's ex-mate. She didn't even think she had ever heard her name, from either Apollo or Pilot. Though Savina understood Urma's fear all too well. It was almost impossible not to fear those past lovers. Impossible not to be jealous in some way or another. "Apollo told me that they had found Pilot's family and while Apollo left to return here, he told me that Pilot had stayed there. He mentioned nothing of his mother or Pilot having any desire to search for her. I can't imagine him keeping something like that from his son." Surely if Pilot had wanted to undertake such a task he would have told Apollo. "I understand though, I understand that insecurity. You can't help but feel it. Sometimes even when you're together and things are fine it can haunt you." It had haunted her on more than one occasion. Though she truly believed that Urma had no cause to worry on that front.

OOC: I know. We should really have a thread next time with a more happier subject, unless we want to depress the hell out of our characters xD ::Word Count:: 500+

The pale femme raised her head only when her ebony companion mentioned hers and Pilot's conversation, before his disappearance. After the impact of the words hit a chord deep within her, making it resonate within every fiber of her body, all the words that followed were a blur. She felt the sudden information that was being proffered her of such a forlorn nature that she felt it as if it belonged to another era entirely. It wasn't the fact that he was concerned that shocked her-- it was how he had thought about her, then. Had it been just then that he had remembered who he had left behind? Had it ever occurred to him during his long time in Inferni the amount of dreams he had shattered, the amount of hopes he had forbid her to believe in? And how could he even think something so ludicrous? Of course she loved him. She always had. It was he that should be asking himself that question. He had been the one that had walked away after that night, as if nothing had happened, and no amount of thinking could explain what had gone so wrong. Maybe all these months that had passed, and all the months that would come to pass waiting for him, she had and would needlessly blame herself for all that had happened, without bearing any of the blame.


Her voice rang hollow, the short laugh preceding it derisive, so uncharacteristic of her. "Of course I love him. I always have and I always will. That is the fate of the one who does the waiting. I should ask myself the same thing-- does he love me?" A dark shadow of a thought surfaced on her mind. You can't hurt people this much and claim you love them. But that thought was only the projection of her fears and loneliness. Of her tormenting ghosts. She knew it, felt it in the structure of her bones and in the birth of every cell, that there must be something, any semblance of love within him. He couldn't have lied to her like that. Already hurt, the fair female refused to believe she had given everything to someone that didn't care. That would simply destroy her.


She listened to Savina further, grateful for her friend's compassionate and understanding words, lined with a kind of kindness that was personal, heartfelt. It made her wonder what the Italian she-wolf's own demons were, what secrets she kept that were not entirely hers. She would not enquire, however; it was not her place to do so. As much as she felt the Marino's words, she also knew that the situation was different. No matter what worries Savina confronted in her relationship with Kansas, the cream male had never left her. Had she ever had to face the dangers of the new lands opening before her, in her quest for her loved one? Yes, such fears existed in every couple. But they were faced by the both of them. And somehow, feeling scared seemed easier in two. It was this unknown that Pilot had left for her that troubled her into sleepless nights. The endless stretch of never knowing what the next day would bring and just how much you were allowed to hope each day to avoid being disappointed. She heaved a long sigh and said, sadly, "Yes. But tell me... has Kansas ever disappeared, worrying you? Has he ever left your side?" Willingly. For another.

lol no joke XD 300+

Urma's hollow voice and laughter made her dark ears fold back against her head. Maybe she shouldn't have mentioned it, but she had felt it information Urma had a right to know. It concerned her, after all. Savina didn't know how to help her friend, how to make any of this better for her. It was that sense of helplessness that always ended up dragging her down. That was how it had been with Cambria while she was still recovering. The mother had been unable to do anything to really help her child and that had been torturous. She had endured the fears and pains that came along with falling in love with another, but they were of a different sort than those that the pale fey was dealing with. For a moment she considered saying that she wished she could answer that question, but she decided it would not help things. She did not know what Pilot felt, she did not know what went on in his mind. She did not know him as well or in the same manner that Urma did. In a way she was even more in the dark. "You cannot help how you feel. That doesn't make this any easier though..." A redundant statement. No doubt Urma knew that. The Italian fey felt the need to say something though.



Quickly the flaw in her ability to know what her friend dealt with was fleshed out. No, she didn't know how that felt. Kansas and her had hit their bumps in the road, to be certain, but they had never been separated for any substantial amount of time. "No...he has not..." Savina was thankful for that, but felt selfish thinking so seeing where Urma was. The silence hung in the air for a few moments as she tried to think of something to say. No relationship was absolutely perfect, for no person was absolutely perfect. Some were more broken than they rightfully should be, as the relationship between her two friends. What could be done to help comfort her in this rough time though? What was it she could offer? "We may not have faced such problems, but we have faced some. He has let me down before...and I have let him down. We have given one another cause to worry." Things between the mated pair were stable and resolved again, but it was only a recent thing.

OOC: ::Word Count:: 500+

The blanched female listened to her friend's words, knowing that her attitude put the ebony Commander in a predicament; torn between the desire to believe the ultimate good that resided within Pilot, and the hopelessness that surrounded the white femme, Urma knew that her dark friend was at a loss as how better to deal with the current situation. The fair Crimson Dreamer felt directly responsible for Savina's inability to find any kind words that would not ring hollow, knowing that it was her attitude that caused this. Guilt crawled into her bones, nagging at her mind, reminding her of how understanding and patient the black she-wolf had been upon Urma's return, and felt the need to show as much gratitude as she could muster under the given conditions. That gratitude existed within the alabaster female, only the enveloping anguish Pilot's absence caused made it hard for her to let on. She hoped, however, that her friend would feel it behind her sometimes uncharacteristic outbursts and would forgive her for not showing the clear thankfulness that flowed, unseen, through her veins.


As the hesitant admittance left Savina's mouth, Urma felt another pang of something bordering happiness for the ebony female, and bitterness towards her current situation. It was good that Savina's relationship with Kansas had not suffered as much as, well, whatever Urma and Pilot's liaison could be called. She bore the obsidian she-wolf no grudges, could not reasonably see why she would be entitled to wish any sadness to befall her friend-- surely they could not be called friends if that were the case. However, Savina's words caused some stirring deep within the fair Crimson Dreamer-- although she had hinted some parts of their relationship had been somewhat unsteady, she hoped the trouble the Commander was referring to was something that had not affected the mated pair significantly, though her tone spoke of the contrary. Urma's ears pressed flat to her head, anxiety taking hold of her senses. Numbed by her own pain, the alabaster femme felt a wave of surprise wash over her at the realization that she had not lost her ability to empathize with those around her and thus put her own turmoil aside. She moved closer to her dark companion, her brilliantly gold gaze probably the best mirror of the sympathy she felt for her friend upon hearing that worries had washed upon the shores of her life as well. "I am sorry such happenings have sought you as well. Whatever difficulties you and Kansas have faced, it is not my business to pry in such delicate, personal matters. I can merely put forth my apologies for opening old wounds. I did not wish to sound unkind, and I am sorry to have brought back unhappy thoughts. I should not let my own troubles interfere with my ability to socialize." She heaved a sigh, allowing some of her pent-up disappointments to slowly disentangle themselves from her mind. "I am so tired of keeping away from others. I live my life all hollow on the inside, and no matter how sensible it seems to simply forbid it to control my life, I feel as if without this despair, I will be less than the little I already have become." The alabaster female sensed the weight behind her words, could almost anticipate their impact.

500+

Not for a moment had Savina thought that Urma was selfish or ungrateful. She understood the pains of the heart and how they could wreck havoc upon someone. She had been in constant turmoil from the moment she had found out about Kansas' sordid affair until she had finally confronted him about it. Then she had not even loved him and the pain that had twisted her heart had been unbearable. The wolfess had been almost unable to function so consumed with that overwhelming fear. Since her birth abandonment had been a constant in her life. Her father had never been there for them. Living in the same pack and yet pretending that they did not exist and did not belong to him. Then her brother had left. While she had not seen Ehno's departure as a full abandonment, it had been something of one. Then Ghita had left. Then her mother had died trying to protect her. So many she had loved had been torn away from her that the thought of having Kansas taken from her as well was unbearable. Strong as she was sometimes, she did not think she could go on without him. It was this that allowed her to understand her friend's pain, to understand the way that she was behaving. What other way could she possibly feel?



Having become swept away in her own thoughts she had been far away until Urma moved closer to her and began to speak. Triangular ears took in the sympathetic words and a weak smile managed to form itself on her lips. "It is alright Urma. The most recent wound is not that old. Healed now, but still fresh. There was...someone he was with, before me. I've always feared, rationally or not, that she still felt something for him and worried that he could feel the same. He kept a secret that pertained to her from me, though he didn't mean it to hurt me. Still, it cause many problems, and not just between us. But when I found out I thought he wanted her above me still. I let my insecurities take over and it helped to push us apart. Things are better now though. I know he would never leave me for her." The Commander did her best to keep the identity of the other woman a secret, but the truth was there only slightly veiled beneath the surface. Confident as she was in Kansas' fidelity, she still did not trust Naniko. "There is no need for you to apologize. What you're feeling is only natural and I know that you did not mean to bring anything up to hurt me. I'd rather you be able to talk to me about this. It's better than keeping it inside and letting it eat you alive." Sometimes Savina was not so good at practicing what she preached, but she knew the words to be true.



She looked at her pale friend, delving deep into those golden orbs. "You are more than some hollow creature Urma, much more. I know it doesn't feel like it to you, but you are. You are filled with compassion and love and empathy. You have more to share with those around you than you give yourself credit for. I know nothing can heal the wounds that you feel, but I know that the rest of the pack and myself will be here for you. We care for you. You're part of our family. No matter what you feel, you matter to us." Her voice was strong and held no hesitation.

OOC: ::Word Count:: 500+

The silence that settled so comfortably between them pained the white wolf. This loss for words was something she found hard to cope with, but which she also knew she could do nothing to control. Her own life's misgivings had brought her to a point where sadness was like a warm blanket meant to cover her and keep her soundly out of happiness' way. It was a tragic realization, especially on the grounds of her not being able to get herself up yet again and find a new starting point to securely set the bricks of a new beginning. Her meeting Pilot in the exact moment in which she had needed her moral lifted had been something rare and special in itself-- and that was a thought that brought with it the exceptionality of the situation. She was not likely to have that same luck once more. Also, while her half-brother's death had brought a sense of closure, Pilot's absence only deepened her sense of loss and misplacement; it was impossible to bear with this dejectedness, knowing that the waiting she so readily embraced was what caused her to feel this way, but also aware of the fact that moving on was something she could not do without the certainty that her loved one was lost to her forever.


The atmosphere held a tint of intimacy, and helped the ivory femme to feel closer to her pack, instead of alienated from it. Savina was opening her heart before her, which gave the alabaster Crimson Dreamer faith that she was not alone in her suffering, but also a feeling of sympathy, for she did not wish any of her friends to feel the pain she was now dealing with. The fact that life had been unkind to others was a fact that Urma knew well-- it was facing it that posed the real problems. The unfairness of each wolf's destiny shadowed her own worries, increasing her sadness and forcing her to come to terms with the fact that this was just one of life's many flavours, and even if bitterness was what prevailed from it now, there would come a time when, as had happened with Savina and Kansas, she would be able to find the sweetness again. "You should know that. I live with the threat of Pilot's former mate as well, and with that the fact that his feelings for me might have just been the product of her absence from his life. I will not know anything for sure until I meet him again. Which I hope will happen. I hold that belief within me, with the certainty that every waiting process is limited, even if it lasts a lifetime."


The ebony female's next words brought a smile to Urma's features, making her light up with gratitude, but also turn crimson with embarrassment. It felt awkward to hear those words, to experience the flattery behind them and know it was offered out of real feelings, and not a fake sense of kindness. The smile still remained as she answered to Savina's warmhearted words. "Thank you. I know you are not saying those things out of pity or excessive kindness. And I am grateful that this is what you think of me. You are an equally good person. You are the leader of a tight-knit pack. I rest assured each day that whatever storms might befall our family, we will emerge united nonetheless. And that is a rare feeling these days."

500+

Savina wished so badly that she could make things right for her friend. So many of them dealt with emotional pains and losses and none of them deserved it. Yes, it was a fact of life, but that didn't make it any easier to bear at times. She wished she could fine Apollo and send him after his father, to tell him that Urma had returned and was still searching for him. Maybe if Pilot knew that he would return and things could be as they once had been. Unfortunately she had not seen her younger friend in a long while and she had a feeling he had turned to wandering again. Why was it that so many she cared for had that wandering spirit. The Italian liked to visit new places, but she was a stationary soul. She was the one who stayed. It had been the case back in her native land and pack and she knew it would be the case here. She was like a deep rooted tree, once she settled in a place she did not leave it easily.



Her sleek head nodded at Urma's words. If she were in the pale wolfess' position she would feel and say the same things. She would not be able to move on knowing that Kansas was still out there somewhere. "I understand, and I hope that your wait will not be prolonged much longer. You deserve piece of mind, one way or the other, though I do sincerely hope that things work out well for the both of you. But hopefully, while you're here waiting, you can be at least somewhat content. I know that is not an easy thing, I just only want to see you well." She knew that Urma would never be whole while all of this was still unresolved, but hopefully she could find at least some manner of peace here. That she could be at least somewhat content. The Commander did not want to see anyone suffer, especially not her friends and packmates. She wanted them to be happy, at least as happy as they could be.



It was good to see a smile on that kind face and she couldn't help but let her tail lightly wag. Urma was facing some deep, personal trials, but that did not mean that she was alone. No one in a pack was ever alone, that was one of the reasons they banded together like this. A pack was a safety net for all its members. "There is no need to thank me, I only speak from the heart." Her friend's last words filled with warmth and pride. To know that she was thought of in such a way, to know that the sense of safety and closeness she wanted Crimson Dreams to have was really there was such a wonderful thing to hear. "Thank you Urma, it is so good to hear that. That is what I work for. I want everyone to feel safe and cared for here. I'm glad to hear that others think we're strong."

OOC: ::Word Count:: 500+

The pale femme looked straight ahead of her, letting her friend's words wash over her like the steady tide would on a coast-- uneventful, half-expected, yet surprising in its simple foreseeable arrival. It wasn't necessarily that they had ceased to impress her-- quite the contrary; it was simply that she felt they were somewhat superfluous. Little would change for her, irrespective of whether or not they were said. Half of her was already resigned with the current situation-- maybe not all was lost to her, but for the moment Pilot was, and nothing that she or Savina did or said could bring him back. This new shift in her life barely allowed her a bit of peace of mind; she had lost night after night trying to push these musings from her mind, trying to regain what was left of her withering perseverance. She felt it now more than ever, as she lay down on the grass, staring at the lands of Crimson Dreams spreading all around her; she felt it in her bones, as well as in her mind: she was slowly tiring, her reserves drained, her willpower thinning rapidly, her stubbornness to prevail wearing out. What was left for her, if not this lingering despair? Each day dragged on, leaving her listless and craving any bit of contact.


The ivory female decided it would be unthoughtful of her to allow the silence to take hold of their conversation, so she simply said, "Your intentions are noble, as well as kind. And they do not go unappreciated. But I think you can also see how such a thing seems foreign to me. Ask me what it is to be happy, and I do not think I will be able to accurately answer. It feels as if so much time has gone since I was last happy that it's almost impossible for me to ever feel it again. And while I know that that's not true, simply cannot be true, this is what I feel in my heart: that with losing him, I have lost my meaning. I do not know for how much longer I can endure his absence, for how much longer I will be able to find something to keep me going. Lately, letting go, drifting away has been such an inviting prospect that I find myself battling with myself so as not to abandon this waiting process I have embarked upon. But there are days when I wake up, after sleepless nights, and wonder idly, 'Why?'. And there is no answer that I can give myself. To me, there is nothing else but his absence. I live through it and I know no other way by which to live. And it is slowly tearing me apart, the loneliness, the unknown." Her voice trembled slightly as she spoke, emotion taking hold of her, her amber orbs prickling under the threat of tears. The blanched she-wolf felt vulnerable, raw. He took my energy, my very being, with him. I have not only misplaced him. I have misplaced myself.

300+

Urma spoke again, and the words that came from her mouth made Savina's heart want to break. Sable ears folded sadly against her head. She had known sorrow, and she had known hopelessness, but never to the extent that the pale femme was lost in it. Thankfully she had always had something out there to strive after. One by one she had lost her brother and her sister and then her mother. But she had known that Ehno and Ghita were out there somewhere and it had given her hope. While Kansas meant so much to her, and losing him would be one of the most devastating things that could ever befall her, she had her children to consider. She would never abandon them. If nothing else gave her a reason to keep going, it would be them. She had given them life and she wanted nothing more than to keep them safe and happy and watch them grow and flourish. It seemed like all Urma had was Pilot and that had been the cause of this tremendous downfall. She needed something other than him to keep her going.



Savina took a deep breath and sighed heavily. "I hope you do not to take offense to what I am going to say, for it is only meant to help. Urma, you need to find something else worth living for. I know you love Pilot deeply and that nothing will make you stop waiting for him, I'm not saying anything should. But for your own sake, you should find something else that makes life worth living. I don't know what that could be for you and I don't presume to make any suggestions. I only think that that would help you. I don't wish to see you wither away into nothing. You're worth so much more than that Urma." Emerald eyes looked to her friend pleadingly. It wasn't something that would be easy to find, but she worried if she didn't then she would never be happy. Such a fate was too cruel for someone as sweet and caring as the pale wolfess.