a fear i cannot shape
#1
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death thread for sofi Sad. this is backdated a bit to when i actually still played sofi, you can pick whatever date is convenient for you though sie.

It had spread faster than predicted. She had been given 7-8 months, and only taken 5. Or was it 6? Maybe it had been 7, after all. You would think in her situation keeping track of time would be ridiculously important, but it was hard to keep track of anything once she lost the ability to walk. It had only been a week or two ago, hadn't it? She was dizzy with hunger, but not dying from it yet. Or maybe she was. Maybe all she needed was just a warm rabbit in her belly. But as stupid as she sounded, she.. felt that this was different. Her joints were swollen, and her left ankle felt broken, maybe. It was hard to pick out one sharp pain from another. She tried to walk, despite the pain, but hadn't even been able to stumble more than a step or two.

The latest development was that it hurt to breathe, now. This was it, wasn't it? She had read on the piece of paper that the final step was when it metastasized to the lungs. Was this just psychosomatic, terror causing a tightness of the chest, fear restricting airways? Or were things starting to end, now? No amount of preparation, no time spent on mental exercises, on adventures and living life the way it should be lived.. Nothing made this okay. Ever. But.. Sofia was so tired.

It wasn't that she didn't care, she did, she cared more than anything, because this.. was everything. But emotions and thoughts seemed like so much effort. Everything just seemed.. faded, like there was a thick layer of fog between wherever it was she existed and the points of contact to the outside world. No, not just the outside world, but.. all points of contact. To memories, to opinions, to thoughts on anything. It was a struggle to build that bridge, to push blindly through the fog.

Her eyes flickered and closed, and a whimper she couldn't recall summoning slipped out from her slightly parted lips. The bottom of her cave floor was smooth stone, cool to the touch. There were coyotes nearby, she was sure.. It was a shame she was going to die alone, but she brought it on herself by not trying harder to make connections when life had started getting harder. That would have been the smart thing to do, honestly, not to hole up in this cave.. this cave.. this grave.
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#2
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When was Sofi still around? :o I am bad with timespans... ~3 weeks ago? D: Also, your title needs fixed, I think... >>;


The preceding months had been filled with a rather severe amount of trauma for the silver-furred hybrid, and it was difficult for her to consider that it had been two months since she'd been subjected to Haku Soul's whim. Over those two months she'd lost herself, drowning herself in liquor and making a fool of herself in front of the children and everyone. There were foggy, fading memories of twirling around a fire, dancing and howling to the moon for all she was worth, childlike and completely oblivious to that which plagued her. Haku Soul had wrecked havoc on Kaena's life and routine, and it had been some weeks since she'd considered Sofia. Now, the silver-furred coyote was breaking through that hardened shell she'd erected around herself, branching out again, and it was on this rather rainy afternoon that the hybrid headed for the other canine's cave. The silver-furred Centurion had seen little of the wolfish Sofia, and a sudden fear had struck her. Kae had known she was ill; the silver-furred coyote had neglected part of her duty in neglecting to care for this member of the clan.


A strange sense of urgency pushed her onward quickly, her steps picking up into the tell-tale coyote trot the hybrid had so painstakingly adopted from the members of the Darklands Clan in her youth. It was natural to her now, but even so she found herself slipping into a wolfish sort of trot now and again, though such instances were generally corrected after only a few moments. The hybrid rounded a bend of rocks and came upon the entrance of the other's dwelling, inhaling the thick scent of Sofia wafting from the opening of the cave. It was evident to Kaena that the other canine had not left in some time, nor ventured far from this spot, and that was worrisome, to say the least. The hybrid didn't know the exact specifics of the other canine's ticking time bomb, but in bringing her into Inferni Kaena had believed she was granting the other canine some sort of longevity. That hope had melted into fear, and the hybrid strained to listen at the entrance of the cave, jumping forward at the first detectable sound of a labored breath.


At once a sour sense of disappointment and failure flooded the hybrid upon seeing the other canine, clearly in pain and in an extremely awkward position, perhaps on her dying throes. The coyote swept toward the other canine's side, drawing her muzzle instinctively to the other's neck, a gesture that might have looked to a human an attempt to read her pulse. In Kaena's case, it was a simple, motherly instinct to comfort a creature she could do nothing for anymore. She was too late; if she had not been so goddamn obsessed with her own problems that she'd brought on her sorry self this might not have happened. Some faint logic in Kaena screamed that this scene was unavoidable no matter what, that there was not a thing the monochrome coyote could have done anyway—she was not a medic, she could not have possibly prevented Sofia's death. All that was left was to be here at the end, if that even meant anything anymore.


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#3
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yeaah like first week of december or so~ and oh, should death threads get m tags? probb, i'll toss one up there.

There was a touch on her neck; her mind snapped back to reality, and she was momentarily surprised that it had wandered so far. It took a ridiculous amount of time and effort to focus enough to flutter open eyelids, and then further amounts of strain to bring the world back into focus. As she stirred back towards life, fear became a pressing thing. She had gone so far, she had gone so far, she was dying dying and going to be dead before she even knew it. She had been slipping away, and didn't even notice. When her eyes focused, though, the panic subsided a little. "Ka..kaena." It was a friend. The only one she had made since she came to these lands, really. Finn too, maybe, but.. Nothing nearly like what her lofty goals had been. She was going to come out here and life. She was going to make dozens of friends, and enemies even, and.. do all sorts of things that she hadn't, that she.. never would, now.

But there had been a connection, at least. Sofia had been able to craft at least one. Maybe her corpse would even make it back to rest beside the family that wasn't ever really hers. A perfect little graveyard of people that Calypso had loved, had cared about, then lost. She regretted for the first time that she had ran away. He had lost as surely when she walked off their packlands as he would have if she had just stayed there to die beside him. Did it really hurt him less to think she just didn't care enough to stick around? At least in dying, it wasn't a deliberate thing. In his mind, though, she had chosen to abandon him. It might have been different, had she actually accomplished any of her dreams, had she filled her last few months with contentment and new experiences.. But she hadn't. And it was too late, now.

She struggled to speak. She should have asked earlier, when talking was easier. "Can you-- When I.." A pause for coughing. Her lungs took way too much effort to inflate. It felt like they were clogged with glue. "Can you take my body west? My dad had a graveyard, near the river in Storm territory.. Yawry? Yawreh? Do you.. do you know Storm?" Her voice drifted. Oh, she hoped Kaena knew where the pack was. It would be so hard to describe how to locate it.
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#4
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597.


Kaena was no stranger to death. She had inflicted it on many others in her time without hesitation; life was a fickle and fleeting thing anyway. It was not as if the silver-furred woman had never experienced that desperation; she had viewed it in the eyes of many of her prey. For an ancient thing like Kaena, full of fear and aggression and violence, one would think death would get easier—sadly, it did not. This particular incidence of it was worse still for Kaena, because she knew there was truly nothing that she could do for Sofia. If she had been a herbalist, she might have concocted something to lull her to sleep, something to dull the pain. If she had known any comforting words of religion, she would have spoken them for Sofia. There was nothing more the silvery Centurion could do for the young canine but lament her imminent passing at far too young of an age.


Kaena regretted not knowing her better, not feeding her better or caring for her in some manner, but her own drama had seized hold of her, and if Sofia knew the depth of the hybrid's issues, perhaps the Tirones would not hold it against the silver-furred elder. Painfully slow, the woman's eyes fluttered open again, those vivid green eyes cloudy and dimming quickly, their strength and vibrancy appearing to Kaena to be virtually sapped. The woman spoke the hybrid's name, and the silver-furred Centurion tilted her head to the side to better catch the soft, raspy whisper of the other canine. The hybrid settled back on her haunches next to the younger coyote hybrid, at once incredibly grateful and incredibly guilty. It was not right that a creature as old as Kaena would continue to enjoy this earth and one as young as Sofia was passing on, but as selfish as the monochrome coyote was, she would not have traded places with anyone in their dying throes. Her live was hers; she had fought viciously for it and killed for it in the past, and she would enjoy it as she saw fit. Still, she could not shake that lingering feeling of guilt, even as she placed a paw delicately on the other canine's ribcage, hesitant to even lay such a gentle touch on her in case it caused more pain.


The coyote suddenly wished she had hands, and she began to shift, her body growing larger by the minute, appendages growing more delicate and dexterous, losing the raw power of the wolf's limbs in favor of the ability to manipulate objects in the world around them. In that moment, Kaena required hands to comfort Sofia, not paws that were clumsy in such delicate situation, liable to lean too heavily or even scratch with blunted, non-retractable claws. The other canine spoke, and Kaena laid her hand against the other canine's head, stroking the top of her skull even as she coughed and labored through her words. "I do. I will take you there. You will rest with your family," the silver-furred woman promised, having every intention to keep true to this word. The hour meant that no one would miss her for several hours, and though the journey very well might take her until tomorrow, the silvery coyote did not want to disappoint Sofia. She owed it to the pale-furred hybrid, more wolf than coyote but stuck in between somewhere anyway like the rest of them. "Is there anything else?" Comfort, unfinished business, a way to roll back time and just steal a little more of it.


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