[M] Open Letters

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Open Letters

This topic is a place to write "letters" or notes to sources of stress in your life as ranting, raving, venting, and getting some of your pent up aggression out can be a wonderful way to de-stress and move on. You are also welcome to write letters of encouragement and sympathy to fellow members.


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Me again. My friend decided to just now tell me that her landlord is kicking me out. I'm seriously starting to wonder if I have a curse on me or something.

They will likely want to tow my car too, and since it has all my stuff in it, that is just not any good.
I will try to stick with posts via mobile, but I may drop out again if it turns out to be too much.

Vera Zharkov
well looks like my computer is about to kick the bucket. ill have to get used to phone posting or whatever
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dear "gamers" who get off sending death threats to a voice actress and her infant son,

fuck you fuck you FUCK YOU
*yeets my bank into the SUN*

This is a PSA to never use "Simple" Bank

one more week of quarantine one more week of quarantine one more week of quarantineeeeee

i can't wait to go on a run and feel a little more energetic ;A;
tfw your immediate response to an exciting thing is anxiety rather than optimism, because emotional defense mechanisms I guess?
anyway a high-end gaming PC should be arriving here tomorrow and boy do I hope nothing goes wrong!!!! :')

dear adhd,
i know that making a pinterest board for our newest d&d character is a great source of dopamine, but can you please allow me to do Other Things that I actually Need To Do? I promise they're fun things if we can get started on them!!!!
I have 15 more days until I have to move out and I still haven't gone through my stuff to see what bare minmum I can keep. Part of me just doesn't want to deal with it. My current roomate keeps telling me to find a job on a farm where I can 'stay on site' but I haven't found anything like that in all my job searching (because I have still been looking) sooo yeah, that is likely not an option and now I am really starting to feel dread and anxiety.

I really have no where to go, my family doesn't really want anything to do with me. I guess this is karma for being...well, me. Hopefully something comes up because the bylaws and normal laws are a pain when it comes to finding any type of shelter that isn't a 'homeless shelter' building.

PS: ADD this isn't an excuse to fill my head with a jumble of ideas that simply won't work, mkay?
Vera Zharkov
This class is killing me.
Note: Clementine disguises her scent beyond Salsola's borders.
Today's song is just the "you had a bad day" lyric over and over again
ah yes

the bi-weekly, million-dollar question: "do your friends actually like you or are they just tolerating you because fucking they have to"

my favorite
Yes, I am testing negative for coivd.
No, that does not mean I am better.
No, you dont just "get over it"
i need to stop window-shopping houses we cannot afford to move into (:
Just spent maybe three hours trying to crap out a 300 word post that is mediocre at best. I've had no job during quarantine and none of my friends are able to go online or anything so I've been spending most of my non school hours trying to crank out posts and failing miserably. Writing was the one thing I could point to and say that I was at least okay at and for the past few months I've watched the quality get lower and lower as I burn out after ten hours on the computer. I'd take a break but there's nothing for me to do except sit on the cliffs or spend time with my falling apart family

I just wanna not feel like shit every time I try and write

stomach please stoppp
I'm at a standstill and can't really do anything. I hate feeling useless or like I'm growing stagnant. Self-doubt is starting to get to me. :/
I don't know what to do. My in-laws are kind to me. They seem to care most of the time. They desperately want to keep a relationship with their son and I want that too because he loves them and has no other family. But recent happenings have made me realize: they wouldn't be nice if I wasn't white. They wouldn't care about me if I wasn't white. They would cut off their son if I wasn't white, if I wasn't a girl, if I wasn't gender-conforming. And I don't want to live my life with people like that in it. I don't know what to do.
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I feel really bad. My spouse and I are currently in talks with someone from a different state and they got married around the same time as us, if not a couple of days before, and their marriage has just ended because the guy she married was far more toxic than she ever realized. The thing I'm feeling bad about is that for months, she's been coming to my wife and I and we both supported her in ending things because the guy had threatened something that was very serious and her parents did not support her during the issue and even told her it was best to seek couples counseling or to just, you know, go through with the act. Since no one knows her here and her name, I feel able to rant a bit but she was not ready to consummate the marriage. She's, for the most part, asexual and always has been. We are in the process of looking for another place and can once my spouse is working to help me with income and we're going to let her move in rent free for a couple of weeks because we know she can get a job in between. It's just a lot of stress on the both of us but we both like this person in a platonic manner and they have always been supportive of us. We just are both scared and freaking out that it could be another situation like our last two roommates and we don't know, now, that we want to go through with it. This friend would end up back with her mom and stepdad and that situation was very toxic, as ours is now.
Insurance company,

I should not have to fight a for-profit company in order to get medical care. That you make money when people don't get medical care is a completely ridiculous conflict of interests. You think I want to get an MRI of my spine for fun or something?

-middle finger-
Urrrrrg why are there no day shelters? I'm tired of sitting outside and getting sunburned with little to no water. I would try to sell more commissions but I can only do traditional art and I doubt anyone would go for that.

Covid, can you please go away so I could at least go to the library? Thanks hun.

Tired, sore, and thirsty
Vera Zharkov
well my country is going to shit isn't that just really fun

I haven't discussed it but I'm in a very bad place right now mentally. My wife and I got rats before I rejoined Souls. Having a pet, even though I wasn't really the one taking care of them (My wife was) was making me feel better, like I could actually amount to something. I went through a depressive spell so bad that I felt like disappearing again and my wife and I decided that we would go and get myself one as a way to lift my spirits. We went out, did just that, and when we brought her home, dad made a comment on how happy I seemed after me having been suicidal and so weak I hadn't been able to get out of bed, after not being able to eat anything more than a bite or two of food each day, barely getting up to even go to the rest room. Not so bad that I didn't go when I really needed to. We were considering going to breed one of our girls and we had things set up so that most of the babies would go to new homes from one of the local breeders. Yesterday, after two months of having the rats, Deb went out with her sister and then took off toward her sister's home in Michigan. After I had already spent half my income in reinforcing a larger cage with hardware cloth, getting cut up, doing so much work that I was left shaking because I'm still weak after the severity of my depression spell, my step mom called to tell my dad she wasn't coming home until the rats were gone.

This is partly my fault for having to move back in with my dad but my wife and I cannot survive on the check I get each month unless it's government housing. She is disabled to the point where she can barely get on a phone or leave the house yet still got denied. She wouldn't appeal the decision because we get our hopes up on being able to get out of here and then they're just dashed. It seems like a never ending nightmare. We can't do anything on weekends because of my father's drinking. We can't do anything during the week because we're forced into our bedroom by the both of them being in the front room and I'm scared I'm going to slip into the state I was just a few days ago. To be honest, I want to be strong for my wife and I know some of these matters can be trivial to some but I'm at the point of just wanting to give up and I don't have anyone to talk to on a regular basis. I know I have friends I can message with these fears, about my depression, but I've gotten to the point where I feel if I rant or go on about my depression, about what's bothering me, I end up feeling like I'm just being negative and not thinking about the proverbial light.

There's a server the wife and I have that has an area for real life rants. My wife has used it so much that her friends, my friends on there, have started to complain about the both of us because it's a lot of the same stuff being ranted about in there and when we had the rats, they complained about the both of us being excited about it just because they weren't interested in rats in general. We considered shutting things down but we'd have nothing at that point.

Regardless, I guess this is also to sort of point out that while I am depressed, while I am feeling this way, I am going to try and get back into the groove of things eventually. I just hope I can do so before I lose both my characters.
No one wants you here, Dark. NO ONE WANTS YOU HERE DARK.

They talk around you. They ignore you. They speak over you. They turn around whenever you're there. No one owes you shit, and you're nOT WORTH ANYTHING. Not worth words, acknowledgement, time, fucking NOTHING. You ARE nothing. That's what you deserve.

You deserve to be treated awfully and then have it made to be your fault.

Just fucking leave already, why are you so fucking attached? Attached to WHAT exactly? Screaming in an empty room?

No. One. Wants. You. Here.
(22 December 2020, 07:37 PM)Dark Wrote: No one wants you here, Dark. NO ONE WANTS YOU HERE DARK.

They talk around you. They ignore you. They speak over you. They turn around whenever you're there. No one owes you shit, and you're nOT WORTH ANYTHING. Not worth words, acknowledgement, time, fucking NOTHING. You ARE nothing. That's what you deserve.

You deserve to be treated awfully and then have it made to be your fault.

Just fucking leave already, why are you so fucking attached? Attached to WHAT exactly? Screaming in an empty room?

No. One. Wants. You. Here.

I want you here, Dark. I love you. <3


Holiday time is making me withdraw super hard no matter how I try to resist the urge. Nothing is how it's supposed to be for this time of year. Everything is so fake, forced and just....wrong. The Big Sad is in full swing and I am fighting to not go to *that* place... I am sorry that I am not around. I can barely handle being conscious right now. I'm hurting in so many different ways and I just don't want to keep being such a downer around everyone. I'm just taking things one hour at a time right now. I come back to "reality" every now and then, but right now I need to be in my mental safe space, which isn't y'know...exactly...*here* if ya get me. v.v Here's hoping that after the holidays things will ease up a bit...Again. I'm sorry for letting you down.
My depression is ten times worse than it was yesterday and part of that is because my father is off work until Sunday. That's almost a full week of drunken shenanigans and not even in a humorous way. My brother gets here Sunday after everything's said and done which means we still have to deal with the drunkard until the week is at its end and even then, there's still the week of new years to consider. The stimulus that might be coming our way is going to be used to get us out of here. We spoke about using it to get another vehicle since the one we have, we're steadily pouring money into but it'll be easier just to go ahead and get a place so we never have to worry about his drunk ass again. I am thankful for the help he's given me and my wife but the abuse, the trauma, the PTSD, the complete disregard for anyone's health, including his own, has led to him pushing me away throughout the years. I'm at the point of wanting to just commit myself but that'd be unfair to my wife who would have to be here and a target to both his sexual deviance and the fact that he'll be drinking.

What would you do if your father said heinous sexual things toward your life partner and then, when you confronted him about it, claimed he didn't and never has and wouldn't accept responsibility or say sorry to them?

I won't have any contact with him after we're gone. He won't be in either of our lives and if we have children, or adopt as we're thinking when I turn 30, he won't be in their lives either. We don't want our family to have to be co-dependant upon him. If I were able to work, that would have changed almost 4 years ago.

Edit: To make matters worse, I posted something on my facebook about my anxiety last weekend. He's butthurt and is going to take it out on me this entire week leading into the New Years. I'm at the point of removing all family from the app because I don't need to be attacked for sharing my feelings. To make it clear, my post was not passive aggressive. It didn't mention names, my living situation, my reasoning for having the anxiety. For all he knew, I could have been talking about something else. I was talking about him, granted, because I have to be tortured every weekend by his music alongside my wife. I literally had to hold her yesterday while she sobbed hysterically because she wants to just give up because we can't get out of this hell. I had to promise her that if we get the Stimulus, we're getting the hell out of this house and never looking back. I had to promise, which should be a non-brainer, that I'm on her side and never, ever going to let him hurt her.

If I say one thing out of the way to him, we're out of the house. If I mention my state of mind and how I've been contemplating self-harm again because I feel useless, like a waste of space, like I put her in this situation she did not sign up for with a parent that should be respectful toward her because she's my wife, he uses every excuse in the book as a reasoning as to why he feels attacked. He 'tries so hard to make sure everything's easy for us'. 'He works every day so he's entitled to turn a heavy, heavy based speak on high volume and blare his music against our paper thin wall every weekend and time he gets drunk.' 'He is just joking when he makes a sexual comment toward my wife and expects me to just sit there and accept it or her to feel safe around him knowing he's having those thoughts'. 'He does so much of this or that when I'm the one who upkeeps the house. I'm the one who make sure his wife doesn't have to get off her feet to cook, clean, or do anything that resembles work.' 'His dad didn't help him with this or that.'

It's all about his mental state which is absolutely selfish. I go out of my way to make sure everyone is on speaking terms and neither my wife nor I feel safe leaving the room. It's my mom all over again.
Dear Vaas,

Your eyes are tired from staring at the same wall of text you wrote for the past month. One post is all you need, yet you continue to find fault with every word you look at. You are no Stephen King and thank the gods for that! Yet you continue to throw crumpled page after crumpled page over your shoulder as if the perfect string of words will magically appear on the next!

Stop it!

You aren't perfect!

Yea! I said it!

No one here expects you to be a professional author. So shed some of those imaginary unrealistic expectations of yours and post the damn thing already! It's not fair to you're mental health, and its certainly not fair too your thread partner whos been waiting for a reply for the past month! Ya schmuck!

And don't you dare touch that auto-correct button! I see you hovering over a couple of those red lines up there! Don't you do it! Wear those grammar errors with pride!

With love,

-You're Conscious

Ps: Make sure you wear those mittens and overly sized puff jacket mom got you for Christmas! Don't want you catching a cold...
[hurr durr]

Not important
how can you be gone. for now, for forever.

its not fair.

there are other people who deserved this death more than you.

you deserved to live to 90, to see your grandkids, to see my sister married, you deserved so much more.

and you fought so fucking hard. and you tried so goddamn hard.

im sorry i wasnt there with you when you died. and i regret all of the times i didnt feel like talking and i hate that half the time i feel nothing at all, i hate the numbness worse than bawling my eyes out.

it feels wrong, like i didnt love you properly. or enough.

and on the 10th, they're going to cremate you. burn your body to ashes, and i still cant conceptualize that you're never going to answer my texts again.

where did you go, Mum? are you happy in whatever afterlife there is? do you see your own parents? do you get to see all of our pets that proceeded us into the grave?

if i could say anything to you at all, it'd be, im sorry. im sorry for everything. im sorry for not being the daughter you wanted. im sorry we didnt always see eye to eye. im sorry that i moved so far away.

im sorry for whatever lies i ever told you. im sorry for the times i inevitably hurt you. im sorry i was a coward, im sorry i was scared to face the world and deal with things. if i had, then maybe we could have seen each other more. im sorry i wont be there for your funeral. im sorry im stuck here in this shitty shitty fucking country, where people wont even protect against the disease that killed you.

whoever gave this to you, i hate them, i hate them more than i can express, maybe its shitty of me too, but i hope they suffer for ripping you from the life that you deserved. what i hate the most is seeing my sister cry, she was there for you a lot more than i was, you were like best friends more than mother and daughter.

i wish i could have sat and had a coffee with you every single day. i wish we could have sorted out our differences. i wish i had tried harder.

i wish, i wish, i wish...

i cant wish no more, cause you're gone.

maybe the afterlife is a real place and when i die too i'll see you there.

maybe i can tell you in person how sorry i am that i didnt realize how much you meant to me until you werent there anymore

you were always so scared to die, and i hope to hell that the afterlife is a real place, and that you're not alone in the void.
hahaha please get me out of shithole oh dear lord please help us hahahahsjcnlsdklnmv

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