Re: Phobias!

I have been diagnosed with severe social phobia. I don't know if anyone has noticed that while talking to me, I will sometimes disappear at very random moments for hours. It is usually because I have had a panic attack and cannot look at the computer because I don't know how to remedy the situation of just stalking off. This is part of the reason I love forum RP so much. (Because I don't have to be asked to post things like in a normal postxbyxpost chat where they RP one-liners or want to spree for days.

It has kept me inside so often that I am borderline agoraphobic and I have an irrational fear of just one day waking up and realizing that I have been in a daze for the most part of my life.

I am also increasingly phobic of anything to do with spiders. I once lived in a basement. I remember the sensation of having spiders crawling over me at night while I tried to sleep. I remember watching them climb in their webs and then slowly drudge down on the single line that led them toward my bed and just can't stop shivering because of it. Yes. It was a bad time.

Also, I don't know if it's just me but I have this huge fear of being behind semis with all that circular lumber loaded onto it since I watched Final Destination. This is a serious fear and it just gets worse.

My present phobias (I'm so sorry I'm too lazy to google their proper names) are of the dark and of pregnancy/childbirth.

I had a very unpleasant, abusive childhood and I have a sincere belief in the supernatural in a "there's literally no proof that these things don't exist" sort of way. That, plus the occasional hallucination + severe paranoia of what could lurk in the dark (either real monsters or people that are monsters) makes my fear of the dark pretty awful. It's much more tolerable if I'm around people I trust and I know light is nearby/the dark is only temporary.

My fear of pregnancy/childbirth is very strongly related to my fear of inadvertently harming a baby or young child, though I wouldn't say that's a phobia in and of itself. I'm also trans, so the thought of being pregnant causes immense dysphoria. I love kids and might even want to raise on some day; I just know, no matter what, I'd get an abortion asap if I found out I was pregnant. No questions asked, I would hate being pregnant so much and hate myself so much that if I survived the pregnancy, I'd fear I'd resent my child to a disgusting immoral degree.

I don't know if it counts as a phobia, but having BPD creates an immense fear to rejection and solitude. Seriously, even the lightest hint of rejection sends mi mind into a very disgusting place. And it is even worse when the person in question is a very dear friend or a strong crush.

Also, Lexus, I'm really scared of becoming pregnant myself. I'm a cis female and proud, but do not see motherhood as a viable option for me. Only once I thought I was pregnant and well...I lost it. I don't know what it is but something about taking care of somebody else is really scary to me.