Just a Blip

[p] - Lyssa

POSTED: Mon May 25, 2020 4:36 pm

It’d been a hard day. Remy had been given a lot of chores, and he’d done them all without complaining, but now, now it was quiet, and the day was over. Soon he’d have to go home and sleep, but for this little moment he’d stolen some time for himself. He loved his pack, and he loved his family, and that’s the reason he’d sought out this quiet spot near the lake. Perhaps it was a mistake to think about it, and maybe he should just go home, eat and be surrounded by the people he loved, but more and more of late, it felt wrong.

Now that summer was just around the corner, light hung in the sky longer, and while the grey remnants of the day still remained, the stars had appeared, and Remy looked at them, doing his best to try and find some solace in the knowledge that there was some spirit, some higher power, that saw him and was watching over his mum, that perhaps she was out there somewhere and that when his own time came they’d be re-united, but it was too hard.

Remy, lowered his head, closing his eyes and trying to take a deep and calming breath, but it didn’t work, and sadness still pounded against the walls. Gone was Remy’s familiar and open smile, replaced instead by a stormy countenance that spoke only of grief and loss. Finally, the struggle was too great and the tears came, and as they did he gasped, trying to get himself under control, but they refused to be stifled, and slowly they tracked a path down his muzzle, falling onto his pelt. As he fought the sadness, his body trembled, shaking with the effort, but a cry escaped him, and he shoved his hands into his mouth, trying to quieten it all. He didn’t want anyone to see him like this, didn’t want anyone to know the struggles he’d had since his first change, and the memories which had returned. He’d be fine, he just needed to get himself under control, and push these feelings aside. Remy knew he had no reason to be sad, he knew he shouldn’t be so ungrateful, and in a moment, he was sure, he’d get his feelings under control and the Remy that everyone saw, would be back again.

WC: 391
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Draiko

POSTED: Mon May 25, 2020 7:04 pm

Outside the dawn is breaking, But inside in the dark I'm aching to be free

OOC: [285 wc]

A warm breeze blew around the golden woman as she took in the signs of summer as the sun dropped lower onto the horizon. Her heart was finally starting to lighten now that she was finally able to get a lot of work done and gather more food for the pack storage. When the earthquake hit, it had temporarily returned the territory back into chaos as buildings broke and their horses escaped. It had been very busy, but finally things were finally starting to turn around.

This afternoon Lyssa's plan was to relax and take a few moments for herself. She was on her way to the lake, it was always a quiet spot where she could go to think, but as she got closer, the scent of a familiar canine hit her nose. It seemed her spot was already in use by someone else, one of her favorite Chispa's in the pack. Her heart leaped in joy at the thought of spending more time with the rambunctious youth. He had grown so much, so fast that she could hardly believe. It seemed like only yesterday he had been a young pup playing in the snow with her.

As she got closer, she noticed that Remy was huddled over, his shoulders shaking. The scene made her slow her step, head tilting quizzically. It wasn't until she heard the sob leave his body that she understood what was going on. "Remy!" she called out, running down towards him. She knelt down, pushing his shaggy hair out of his face to look into his tear rimmed eyes. "Remy, mon chéri, what's wrong?" Her eyes searched him frantically, wanting desperately to rid the dear boy of his sadness.

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POSTED: Fri May 29, 2020 5:29 pm

It looked like Remy wouldn’t be allowed to wallow in his misery, in a land as large as the pack’s, it should have been easier to find a private spot. Of course, perhaps a part of Remy had wanted to be found, why else come to the lake? Still, as he heard Lyssa’s voice and then felt her hand brush aside his lengthening mane, he couldn’t help but tilt his head away, taking back his mane in an effort to hide his face. How could he explain his sadness? Remy had a perfect life, all the food he needed, all the love he could ask for and safety. The youth’s life was blessed, and grief felt self-indulgent and wrong.

”I…I’m okay Lyssa, thank you.” His tone was very much Remy, but sadder, softer and more hesitant. He looked up at the darkening sky, blinking a few times and taking a deep breath, trying to collect himself. Finally, the golden eyed youth, turned his rather melancholic gaze to the one who had cradled him in the snow, and taken him on the back of her horse. A flicker of a wane smile played across his lips as he thought of these things.

”I’m fine just…It’s been a long day, I’m just over tired and too much thinkin’”

The stars were beginning to appear, and the stupid memory of a foolish pup came to him then. Remy used to believe that, if he howled loudly enough at the stars, then his mum would hear him singing to her. Had he really been so naïve? This world was filled with family, friends and work, but there was no magic, the dead were gone, ripped from the world and no matter how loudly a pup sang, their family wouldn’t answer them.

”Yeah, thinking about….” He could say it, couldn’t utter her name ”…stuff.”

He turned back to her, looking at her earnest face and gentle countenance. It always seemed strange to Remy that Lyssa had no pups of her own, but instead of saying anything else. Remy leaned forward and hugged her, resting his chin on her shoulder. He didn’t begin to sob again, but it was nice to be held by someone familiar, someone he loved.

WC: 373
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Draiko

POSTED: Fri May 29, 2020 6:42 pm

Outside the dawn is breaking, But inside in the dark I'm aching to be free

OOC: [361 wc]

Ah, so the boy was worried about... stuff. Lyssa had no idea what Remy meant, but she knew that sometimes teenagers were afraid to open up to those around them. Life was just overflowing with emotions and hormones; It could be hard enough to understand your own feelings without having to share them with someone else.

When the boy leaned forward and wrapped his arms around her, she hugged him back tightly. Her hand naturally went to the back of his head to stroke his hair comfortingly, allowing him to take as much time as he needed. Whatever the reason, her sweet, little Remy was feeling sad and he needed comfort. She would provide him with that. Lyssa wasn't his mother, but she could still act in a nurturing fashion for him.

When the boy started to pull away, Lyssa took a seat beside him, looking over the lake. "Well, you don't need to talk about it if you don't want to, but just always remember that I'm always here to listen if you need it. Whatever it is, even if you can't tell Evelyn or Santiago, ok?" She smiled.

Of course, she wanted to know what was bothering him, but she could never pressure him to talk. She wanted to take all his troubles and get rid of them all, making him the bright and happy pup that she remembered. She wanted to tell him that his feelings were valid and that it was ok to feel that way. But if he wasn't ready for that yet, that was ok too.

Well, she had her own problems she was dealing with, and maybe Lyssa sharing them would show Remy that it's ok to talk about these things. "Truth is," Lyssa started, linking her arm in his, "I came here to think too. It's easy to clear your mind with so much quiet." Her eyes traveled out over the lake to watch the ripples made by the wind. "This winter was really tough on me. I was so worried and anxious. Now the good weather is had returned, but I still can't seem to get this worry out of my head."

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POSTED: Mon Jun 01, 2020 3:54 pm

Never before had Remy had so many doubts. Never had he felt such uncertainty. Before he’d shifted, everything had been easy, clear and straightforward. All that had blown away in the jaws of uncle John’s snare. Remy’s memory had returned, and no matter how much he tried to ignore it, the nagging thoughts and sadness tugged at him. On top of that, life seemed different on two feet, he wasn’t just taller, but his mind seemed to work differently, think differently.

Eventually, the youth let Lyssa go, and in her quiet and gentle way, she sat down beside him, linking her arm with his, establishing a physical connection, the tactility of which Remy was grateful for. Of course, it also meant he felt the roiling emotion, and having someone show him such understanding threatened to bring back his sobs. He took a breath and stayed silent, and for a moment there was only the sound of the water and the birds. Lyssa’s kind and lyrical voice broke that silence though, and Remy listened attentively, his face turned to the lake, allowing her words to wash over him, but his ears were pricked and tilted as far as they could be, towards her.

It was only as Lyssa finished that Remy turned towards her. How could someone so lovely, so kind be worried about anything? The youth felt his manner of thinking shift, and with it, his problems turned. He was silent for a long time, he took a breath and opened his mouth, but the words still wouldn’t come, they were still choked by the large lump that constricted his throat. He swallowed hard and instead asked her a question.

”What are you worried about?” Remy asked, his usually jovial tone, replaced by a melancholic earnestness. Despite his tone, the curiosity that epitomised Remy was still there, but softened, gentled, as though part of him was still mulling his own issues, and weighing up the selfish desire to unburden himself, or to be strong and stay quiet.

WC: 337
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Draiko

POSTED: Mon Jun 01, 2020 4:56 pm

Outside the dawn is breaking, But inside in the dark I'm aching to be free

OOC: [385 wc]

He was such a sweet boy to listen so intently to her. After a long moment, Remy seemed to draw up the courage to ask her what she meant. Lyssa sighed heavily, the truth being so complicated that she almost couldn't find the words. She contemplated her words until she found the ones that shared her troubles but would save the boy from worrying too much about her. She was here for him after all.

"You must know that tensions have been high among the pack," The golden woman started, looking at him knowingly. He was still young, but he was old enough to know that everyone was worried. "Resources were scarce this winter, particularly so with the weather being so bad. This was my first winter providing for myself along with Belle and helping the pack, so there was a lot to learn. I had to work three times harder, and I barely managed to scrape by. And now that the weather is better, we're all having to work extra hard to pay back the Del Mars for their help over the winter. Sometimes I just feel like I'm running in place."

A rustle of wings started her, pulling her from her thoughts to watch the bright red wings of a Northern Cardinal fly to a new perch. The bright color of the wings reminded her of Nick's scarf that he always wore. Her heart sunk when she thought of the male, so far away from her. I'd been so long since she'd been in his arms or heard his twangy voice. "And I suppose not being able to see my beau hasn't made me feel great either. I miss him very, very much." Her voice cracked a little as she talked.

"But don't you worry too much about me, mon chéri. I will be just fine." She squeezed his arm gently to reassure him. "Life isn't always easy, but it will get better over time. Sometime's you just need to share your troubles and things will get better." She hinted. Everyone had troubles, but no one needed to deal with them by themselves. This pack had taught her that. If she could help her sweet Remy, she would feel even better knowing that he was in a better place than he was before.

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POSTED: Sat Jun 06, 2020 12:45 pm

”The Del Mar.” Remy echoed, his voice soft, but his eyes hard.

Remy had always been a happy and gentle youth, but as he spoke that name, his features twisted into a horrible mask of loathing and disgust. Even the words, so quietly spoken, dripped with poison. The look passed though, and his features settled again into contemplative sadness that had been their when Lyssa arrived, but now there was sympathy there, for his pack mate’s plight. Still, he wasn’t sure what he could say, or how to respond. The silence meant that thoughts of his mum began to leak back again. He gently touched his nose to Lyssa’s, his voice soft, guiless and affectionate.

”I’m sorry you’ve not been able to be near those you love. I’m lucky, all of the family I have are all here.” he paused for a brief second ”Almost all.”

Once again, Remy turned to the lack, as though looking at Lyssa made it too hard to speak, her sympathetic gaze made his throat constrict. Taking he shuddering breath, Remy tried to start, but nothing came. Squeezing his eyes shut he tried again, and this time the words came.

”My mum was killed by someone who wanted our food and her jewellery. The memories of what happened were blocked until I shifted, not sure why. Don’t understand them all, but know that he killed her. He looked at me before he left, but didn’t kill me too. Evie found me there, and coaxed me out from under my mum. Evie brought me back here, her and Santiago had recently had pups and didn’t seem to mind making part of their family. They’ve loved me, and treated me right, just like one of their own.”

As he spoke, his closed eyes began to leak with tears, but he continued the story, his voice quavering only slightly.

”I’m happy here, and I love my pack but…” his voice cracked ”I wish I had my mum.” still with eyes tightly closed, he sighed, steadying himself, finding this so hard, but determined to finish now that he’d begun.

”Evie and Santiago have been the best family, and it makes me feel bad every time I wish for my mum. I don’t want them to be upset. I’m just ungrateful I know, I have everything I could want and it’s just not enough. I can’t stop wishing I could see my mum again. Evie and Santiago deserve a better son than me.”

There, he’d said it, and the guilt and shame of it were too much. He stood and moved away from Lyssa, to stand alone, his arms wrapped around himself, hating his admission, hating even more that he thought it. It had been Evie and Santiago that had kept him fed, made sure he was fed and clean. They’d both loved him, stayed up with him when he’d been unable to sleep. All of that dedication and devotion, of treating him like one of their own, and here he was, standing by the lake and pining after what? A memory? Someone he only had the fewest of memories of? Some Luperci that no one alive could possibly live up to?

”Evie and Santiago deserve better. They all deserve better.” he finally finished, but the phrase was spoken so softly it might have been a breath, spoken only as an action spoken in reverie.

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POSTED: Tue Jun 09, 2020 10:02 pm

Outside the dawn is breaking, But inside in the dark I'm aching to be free

OOC: [414 wc]

He pressed his nose against hers and she was transported back to a time when Remy was small, innocent, and vulnerable. Even though now he was a young adult, she would always think of him as someone that needed to be protected, just like he did when he was small. It crushed Lyssa's heart to hear him speak of such a sad memory.

And it crushed her even more to know he felt he didn't deserve the life that he had.

"Non, mon ange, don't think like that." Lyssa wrapped her arms tightly around the sobbing boy once more, stroking his hair comfortingly. "Just because you miss your biological mother does not make you an ungrateful son to Evelyn and Santiago! You need to know that you are allowed to have both feelings of missing your mother and loving your new family. The two feelings can coexist without you being ungrateful, or selfish, or any other negative word you can come up with."

His loss stirred up her own memories that had been buried in her mind. "I have family that I miss too," she whispered, sharing her long-kept secret, "My mother and sisters. I lost them when I was your age, and yet I managed to survive. For so long I felt guilty that I got to live instead of them.

But then I made myself a new family here. A family that loves me very much, just like they love you. It's the love of my new family that makes me feel better, that gives me the strength to move forward. Of course, I still miss them very much, but we can't change the past. Instead, we keep living and loving, just like they would have wanted us to."

Lyssa pulled away from Remy gave him a sad smile. "I'm sorry to say it won't always be as easy as I make it sound." The pain would take a long time to become manageable, and even then, some days would be worse than others. "But, if you find yourself having a hard time thinking about your mother, you can always come talk to me. I can understand how you feel. And even if you don't feel like talking about it, why, we can just come back to the lake and spend time together." Her smile grew then, wanting to make him feel she was a safe person to talk to. He was a sweet boy, and she wanted him to feel better.

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POSTED: Mon Jun 15, 2020 3:54 pm

Remy listened as Lyssa spoke, his gaze remaining steadily staring out across the lake, a further twisting in his gut of sympathy for the gentle and beautiful female who had helped to entertain him while he was growing up. Remy hated that anyone in his family should ever have to endure any form of pain.

”There are some days-“ he began, breaking off abruptly as some vestige within him begged him to keep his own counsel, even from someone as trusted as Lyssa. Instead the golden eyed youth swallowed hard and continued. ”That…I can’t remember her face. It feels like-“ he broke off again, his chest heaving with the pain of finally saying it loud ”like I’m losin’ her all over again. Like, if I can’ remember her, then she really is gone.”

The sound that escaped him then was half laugh half sob.

”I blamed uncle John when the memories came back, even though it weren’t his fault. Think I was angry at him because I couldn’t stop thinkin’ how much easier if I didn’ remember anythin’.”

Why couldn’t he stop talking? It was as though a dam had burst, and all the thoughts he’d felt ashamed or guilty about, were gushing out of him. Remy felt lightheaded, but just then he didn’t care if Lyssa hated him for what he thought, or if his pack were disgusted by him. A reckless abandon had seized him.

”I-“ his voice hitched wit ha sharp intake of breath, and as he spoke, it was in a half sob tone ”I don’t want to have these thoughts. I just want to be normal, like Cal, Rafa, Luci or Rhodes. I just want to be happy.”

Even now he felt his grief was self-indulgent. Lyssa had told him of the loss of her family, he should comfort her, listen to her, it was wrong that he stood there and cried. His sorrow achieved nothing, and what was worse, he had nothing to be sad about. His life here was peaceful, fulfilling and filled with love, and yet now, in this moment, every unhappy thought, or guilty notion, gushed from him, and the world seemed so dark.

Remy tried to take in raggedly deep breaths, trying to get himself under control, to be the guileless and gentle youth wit ha burning curiosity. Lyssa didn’t deserve to try and deal with him, to watch his sadness.

”I’m…I’m sorry.” he managed unsteadily ”I’ll…I’ll be fine…you just caught me at a stupid time.”

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POSTED: Wed Jun 24, 2020 2:42 pm

Outside the dawn is breaking, But inside in the dark I'm aching to be free

OOC: [242 wc]

Lyssa held the boy's hand tightly as he spoke, letting him get out all of his emotions. There were so many things he was upset about: His fading memories of his birth mother; Yelling at John when he shouldn't have; Feeling different than his siblings; Not being good enough... He was a young adult, and these feelings would keeping growing and swirling inside of him like a storm until he was fully an adult. Lyssa empathized with the pup, and let him let it all out.

But when he apologized for his behavior, the golden woman shook her head vigorously. "Non, mon cher, there is no need to apologize." She spoke gently, "Your feelings are valid and important. It is important to let those difficult feelings out every now and again. If you don't, they can consume you. Let them out and you will feel better." Lyssa wore a warm smile as she spoke, keeping her words kind and meaningful.

One of her slender fingers reached out towards him and booped him softly on his black nose. "But remember to not be so hard on yourself. You are a wonderful boy, deserving of lots of love. Share your feelings with those who you love every now and then, and everything will be just fine." Indeed everything would be just fine. The pack was his family, and every single member would be sure to watch out for him. Lyssa was sure of it.

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