Re: [M] Open Letters

POSTED: Sat Oct 07, 2017 9:03 pm

Long and unintelligible groaning and moaning about my depression. Feel free to skip over.

It's hard for me to imagine telling someone that I love them and then disappearing into thin air and ghosting them for such a long time afterwards. We have a routine. I've already learned over the 4 years we've known each other how things go. We'll confess our feelings for one another. We'll be happy for a short while but then one of us either gets bored or slips into depression. We stop talking for a little while. That little while turns into a month or two or three. I find out that you have a boyfriend that you didn't tell me about.. I only want you to be happy so I don't say anything other than to congratulate you. Or when we make plans, we don't show and that person ends up sitting around forever, hoping that the other would have shown. Tonight we were supposed to watch a movie and hang out. I was gonna give you the tour of my apartment that you haven't seen yet. Then we were going to finally book one of us a ticket on the amtrak so that neither of us would have to make the drive to one another because it's long and driving that alone is pretty tough.

We made these plans yesterday in advance so both of us would have clear schedules. Here it is 3 hours later. No word from you and nothing to state whether you've run into a problem or an issue and can't get on. You did mention that you were going through something yesterday when I confronted you about not wanting to continue the same pattern we'd picked up over the years. I told you that no matter how hard that got, I'd be here for you because I love you. The only I asked was that you let me know so that I don't start freaking out when we suddenly stop talking for days at a time when there was a moment there where we were talking on an every day basis.

I've been more depressed lately than I ever have. Part of it has to do with you (but it's not your fault) but I know most of it is just me feeling bad for myself and my situation. If I don't get better, I'll be going back to live with my dad by the end of November to keep myself from doing something stupid. I can't have someone here with me 24 hours a day, 7 days a week as much as that might be a solution to my problems. I just wish the anxiety, depression and bad thoughts would stop so I could at least get some sleep or go back to doing the things I enjoy like writing and spending time with people I like having fun with.

Instead, I'm hyper focused on your previous messages. They weren't like the last time we were together. They were more raw and with emotion.

I mean, I’m here now. I don’t want to lose contact with you. I don’t want to repeat our patterns. I want us to continue to just talk and talk all the time. I want us to visit each other and have date nights.

That sounds to me like you wanting to change our situation and finally work things out where we can be together instead of just talking about it for years after we were together. It's been 4 years next week that we started talking and I've honestly never felt this way about anyone. :| And I sort of feel like I'm going crazy and that maybe, just maybe, I'm being possessive over having your time or wanting to spend that time with you. I swear my selfishness in that regard isn't meant to be toxic. I think we lift each other up as a couple and make each other better people. So come back to me and lets really try and get this working. If you don't want to, tell me so that I can get the 'grieving' process over with and move on with my life, leaving this chapter to grow dusty and as wonderful memories.
Anita "Fang" Espinoza


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POSTED: Mon Oct 09, 2017 7:41 am

I miss sleeping well.

Starting to feel my mental state unravel
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POSTED: Mon Oct 09, 2017 10:13 am

^ D: <3

i was not expecting this weekend to be so exhausting. obviously too much peopling for my brain to cope with. and yet i still feel really lonely. sigh.
i have a follow-up psych appointment in december and i just don't have the energy to phone them and tell them that i need to see a different doctor. and i know this is going to stress me out for the 1.5 months until the actual appointment x_x
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POSTED: Thu Oct 12, 2017 6:50 pm

This whole week so far has been absolutely terrible. It started with me having to give Zeus back to his original owner because his injuries were far worse than what had been explained to me via email, phone or anything. Found that out with a trip last week to the vet I use for Athena. Then I was given the chance to get a puppy that was three months old. The individual I was supposed to get him from messaged me the day I was supposed to go get him to tell me that something came up and she wouldn't be there to meet me at the expected time. So, I set something up for the next day and she was cool with that. Then, the next day comes around.

I leave my house at 8:45 AM. Those of you in Indiana know that it has been dark around that time for the past week or so. PLUS it was raining. I drive an hour and 30 minutes to get there and the puppy is outside in the middle of the downfall. :| It would have been marginally alright if the pup even had its shots but the lady had already told everyone that the puppy was not up to date on its shots so leaving him outside was just asking for him to die. I was ready to take him home right then and there because it was cold and wet and he looked terrified. I couldn't even get the poor thing to approach me because he was barking and growling at me because I was a new face in an area it had probably already claimed as its territory and it was frightened on top off that. It was obvious to me that the puppy was in distress. I knocked on the doors several times, even knocked on a window. I gave it ten minutes in between and then did the same thing with the addition of blowing my car's horn which only seemed to frighten the puppy more. I didn't want to get accused of stealing him despite the fact that agreements had been made for me to take him so I left not knowing what else to do.

I got an hour down the road, and this is the worst part, and finally got back phone service because I hadn't had anything for the last two hours of my trip and got a message from my brother. At that point, I pulled over and let Facebook messenger obtain service again long enough for me to message this lady back to let her know that the puppy was outside and I had already been there. Not only did she lie to say that she thought I was going to be there later after I gave her the exact time I would be there, but she also told me that if I was still there to just open the front door and call the puppy to me. This sent major red flags because 1, I didn't know if this was the lady's house. 2, now I wasn't so sure that the puppy was even hers since she claimed it was in the house.

All in all, my anxiety and depression has been getting to me hardcore today and I don't know how to feel other than angry and annoyed because the group I was in did nothing about the situation and just let her continue posting the dog on their site. Obviously, it was neglect on her part to leave the puppy out in the rain but she also wasted several hours of my time by making me drive there only to not answer the door and then message me back when I was already an hour away to go back and get the pup which I couldn't do because of red flags. :/ I'm more annoyed for the pup than anything that it had to go through that scarring, traumatic situation.
Anita "Fang" Espinoza


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POSTED: Thu Oct 12, 2017 11:57 pm

Can't I just quit already. This job is tearing me apart physically and mentally.
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POSTED: Tue Oct 17, 2017 6:45 pm

two months bad sleep, anxiety is definitely something that is suddenly way more of a problem. I'm so, so tired. I'm so so anxious, and yet I'm so bored at work despite having shit to do and then nearly had a panic attack when boss sent an email asking if I did a thing. It's not life and death, so why panic?

I just want 12 hours of solid sleep so that I don't burst out into tears. Pls.

PLEASE.
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POSTED: Wed Oct 18, 2017 12:14 am

I really wish my mom would stop and think for a second about my mental health. I told her I had depression and she seemed to forget about that, apparently. And I thought she would understand since she has depression, but I guess she doesn't want another "condition" on her child. I wish she would understand my ADHD, anxiety, and depression. But, she doesn't seem to care.

And school has been absolute hell for me. Sometimes, I think it's my home environment that keeps me from doing my work because I just want to escape it. It doesn't help that I'm normally worn out and stressed from school and then I come home and feel a sinking feeling. It's also harder because my Geometry teacher doesn't seem very reasonable with how he assigns homework and I don't understand a lot of the material because apparently we were supposed to learn it over the break, but I have barely any idea how to do it.

And then today, I accidentally slipped to my mom that I had a B in science and she freaked out on me because I wouldn't be getting a 4.0 GPA. I already gave up on being a veterinarian because of her: all the pressure she put on me, all the times she told me not to be a veterinarian because I was too afraid to do something, and all of the things she wants me to do to get into medical school. When I told her that I wanted to pursue a degree in computer science, she gave up on me because apparently she needed to think about her future and retirement, like she's always talking about how when I become a veterinarian, I can buy her a house on the beach. When she heard about how I didn't want to become a vet, she was talking about not needing a phone, or computer, or my meds because she doesn't need them. So, I said I wanted to become a veterinarian.

And now she's all mad at me about betting 2 B's and decided to take away my phone and my ADHD medicine until I raise my grades. I'm a Freshman and those were my first quarter grades! But, now I don't think I can talk to her or even be in the same room as her until she calms down or something.



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POSTED: Sun Oct 22, 2017 2:57 am

Can I just start screaming? Would anyone even notice?
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