Re: [M] Open Letters

POSTED: Sun Dec 02, 2018 10:01 pm

I feel down and I have no reason to. I have a nice place to live. I have a nice job, sure some of the workers get on my nerves and the manager off loads her stress on to me constantly but that's pretty much the norm. I still love the job despite those things.

So why do I still struggle to do things creative like I want? Like drawing and writing. Every time I think I can do something I get to my computer and all the inspiration and motivation just...drain away.

I don't get it.

I'm so disappointed in myself.
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Luperci I sat with fishers, but never fished

POSTED: Tue Dec 04, 2018 7:11 pm

today I realized my mother is probably a lowkey narcissist and I spent all day doing nothing but processing this fact and reliving the ways I have had my mental health affected by her all these years. It did not end well and I ended up crying in the car. Now I'm numb, ate whipped cream, and have asked fiance to bring home wendy's and fries because I am emotionally numb.

5 dec
Mom called twice. I didn't answer. She called my fiance. I was upset. He comes home, i told him i was annoyed she did at and he snaps back that she is my parent and is just worried.

I hurt inside.

I'm so confused on how i feel. Am i justified to feel so bad, to be so anxious over this, guilty. Do i have a right to these resentments? Am i just whining? Spoiled? I don't know if it's okay for me to feel this way and it just makes my chest ache and my mind wander. My heart hurts because i hear of these parents who are awful but do i have a right to feel this way if i was never hit? I was never really yelled at. Am i so spoiled, so stuck up? I don't know how to feel and i just want to find a hole to disappear into. It's been two days of going over the things she said, did, that added up to scar me slowly. I don't know how intentional it was but I'm such a mess. I don't even want to tell Mike any of this because i don't feel i deserve to feel this way.
If I knew you were a sellout. A thief. Use me up - I would have never let you near me.

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† ♥ SANG DE LA MER ♥ †
the power that you crave

POSTED: Mon Dec 10, 2018 1:35 pm

I have spent the last few weeks hating myself and everything I stand for. I feel weak, depressed, angry. But there's nothing I can do about it and there's absolutely nothing anyone can really do for me. I feel like I'm looking from the outside, in, most of the time and people who used to be friends have proven that they aren't anymore. I mean, I'm not asking anyone to prove anything and I know people go through rough patches but even I, when I haven't spoken to someone in a long time, message to see how they're doing and there's been a distinct lack of that in my opinion. I thought I was fitting in and that I actually found people who cared about what was going on but very few people have even asked how I was feeling and what was going on in my life.

I'm trying not to let the bad thoughts in, not to be dragged down to where I was a couple of years ago, trying not to let myself be defeated by my demons but it's hard as fuck when I don't have a support system or the one that I do have has it tough because there's nothing they can do to make me feel better. I miss feeling like I belong and that I don't have to prove myself. I miss being able to write words instead of wasting hours trying to just do one reply. I miss having an urge to do more than just lay in my bed and waste away day after day.

I think my dad's also noticed my depression is getting bad again. He's made a few attempts to reach out to me lately which surprises me since he normally doesn't but even that hasn't worked. Instead, I've cleaned my room, gotten rid of trash, tossed out an old desk I wasn't using. Stocked my mini-fridge with waters, readied all my medicines but my anti-depressant which obviously isn't working anymore. I drove to Walmart at two am, stayed there for two hours walking their aisles. There's nothing going right and I feel this void where there used to be a fullness and it is unquenchable and irredeemable and I just don't know what to do anymore but drive myself crazy and up the walls.

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Luperci Witch Mate to Helena and Till

POSTED: Tue Dec 11, 2018 4:32 pm

trigger warning maybe??? ?? ?????

I feel sick thinking about this and I don't know if I should mention to my therapist when I see her that I feel like I kind of got raped by my ex boyfriend because I don't feel like it even counts really but now i'm having a panic attack and my day was going really well wtf and everything bad that has happened this eyar is now kind of piling up in my head including my little brother trying to kill himself i need a nap holy moly what the fuckeroni
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POSTED: Wed Dec 12, 2018 10:55 am

You’ve been in a bad mental place for months and I’ve always been there, struggling to help every step of the way. I know I didn’t always help, but dammit I have my own stuff to deal with as well as yours and you’ve expressed yours with anger and bitterness that I’ve had to shoulder too. Now that you’re aware and working on your stuff, can’t I just have a week to be upset? Can’t I just be miserable, finally? Why do you get to have me helping you when you’re blaming me and mad at me when you can’t even listen to me being a grump in the morning because my cat is an ass?
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Luperci Nightshade Blood: This Tainted Love CdC Top Poster!

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