Re: [M] Open Letters

POSTED: Tue Oct 09, 2018 2:31 pm

I love it when my mom strong-arms me into something that I never would have agreed to and then tells me that "I don't have a choice" and that "I signed up for it". Like I told you time and time again, I just did the form for extra credit (everyone else did) and wouldn't have gone because I'm already a natural leader with a lot of practice and I already have Upward Bound to make my college application look nice (who the fuck would even care that I went to a leadership summit?) and I have clubs and AP as well and if I had to choose between that and finishing stuff for English, getting my pre-project work done before my AP performance task, and working on a homework packet for Algebra, you know what I'd pick.

I'm capable of making my own decisions - I've been responsible for my homework and studies since I was in elementary and you're the one who I have to beg to not bring me on a shopping trip so I can finish my homework - and I know what's best for me. I would have given up my spot the first chance I got so someone more deserving could get the position but no, you forced me to and then tell me that it was my choice. Well, did I really make that choice? And then say that "I don't have a choice". Do I really ever have a choice when it comes to something that you want me to do? You flipped out when I missed robotics signup and acted like it was the only club in the entire damn school that I could join because apparently if I want to go into computer science, I have to do robotics. Yeah, it's not like I have an entire AP class on it that teaches something more akin to what I want to do without any of the other stuff.

I mean you got already pissed at me for turning down an invitation from the Anime Club to go to Hawaiicon that I had been offered the day before the event and I turned it down because A, I wasn't a part of Anime Club and I felt that I shouldn't go because I probably missed the meetings with all of the discussions and plans, B, we were already going to Honolulu that month and that would already put a strain on our wallet, and, you didn't even know what anime was and thought that it was a club for animators which is why you ragged on me for turning it down. Like I had homework to finish that can't be done on Monday night (which is your suggestion every single time).

I already have the stress of you breathing over my back about grades and I'm not even looking at my grades online (and got rid of the paper that tells you how to access my grades) so that I don't stress out. Honestly, it doesn't even feel like I'm doing all of this for me and my future, it feels like I'm just doing this for you.
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POSTED: Wed Oct 10, 2018 9:45 am

it's been rough, the past few wekks. rough to recover from a chronic disease flare (which can be easily triggered by stress and emotional unbalance) and the necessary surgery so i don't, yknow, die. it's been rougher having to do that only to come back to see the state of politics. the first round of voting got me drunk enough to face my first hangover, and i'm glad i was on vc with a friend otherwise i fear what the quiet might have made me do. two of my friends saw me on monday and broke into tears in the middle of a conversation. i got in shouting matches with my mom five time just this week now. no shouting with my dad, but only because we're on text messages only, but lots of nasty names thrown at me. hearing her call out for my death (even if she doesn't know it) as well as my friends as she votes for a man who says black people a waste of space in society, that lgbtq people should have been spanked as children, that women deserve less pay for being able to get pregnant, and praise torturers from the dictatorship and hitler himself has messed me up. badly. its been years since ive been this fucking emotionally exhausted, and that's saying something. my father is more worried about corruption than the actual fucking risk of another military coup. our democracy is so young, our latest constitution is just thirty years old this year. and they already promise to get rid of it. everyday, more news of people beings attacked in the country because of not supporting that absoute shitlord come in everyday. confirmed deaths because of his mindless followers in the two days since the first round of voting is 4. 4 people in two days, that we know of. probably many more. i hug my friends just a little bit longer, a little bit tighter, because i'm terrified the next day i'll wake up to see their names in the obituary. we're so afraid, all of us, and even though i'm not giving up (i refuse to let them have this) i can't help but feel the way the wind is blowing, not just down here but all over the world, and be shook by what kind of struggles me and my chosen family will have to face. we're not short of horror stories of the dictatorship. times of the illusion of peace seem to be at an end, and i feel almost resigned in my horror, to see my own flesh and blood turn on me and the peace that they themselves fought for in their own youth. feels like we've come full circle. as much as i wish i could compeltely give up on them and estrange them, i can't. i still wish to see some spark of empathy in their eyes, keep hoping beyond hope that it will be there someday, even if i have to wait forever. but until then, i'll swallow down my grief and fears, and keep up the fight however i can. it's rough and it's going to get rougher. i only hope to find the strenght to see it through.
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POSTED: Fri Oct 12, 2018 7:52 am

Good news: not going to the summit. Bad news: gave up phone, tablets, rides to school, rides home from school, need to turn in a job application, and almost lost Upward Bound.

Now waiting for conversations to blow up in my face and for this to be a talking point for the rest of my days.

This is the first time I stood my ground with saying no and taking the punishment instead of balking at the threat (almost did at the prospect of UB) and learned that UB has become one of her bargaining chips.

Fantastic
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You've spent a life time stuck in silence
What I wanna save I will try

POSTED: Mon Oct 15, 2018 5:26 pm

The feeling of impending doom, oh how I've missed it.

Pretty much everything rides on my grades; my mom's decides to say yes or no to things rides on my grades and basically any kind of privileges that I get. I already don't have rides to school or home but if she sees my grades, oh I am screwed.

So far - before the grades get submitted on Thursday - I have a B in Algebra 2, C in AP Computer Science, B in graphic design, A in English, B in World History, and B in biology. My mom expects A's and nothing less. Sure, stuff will balance out since these are quarter one grades, but no amount of explaining from me will get anything but a freak out.

So far, there seems to be something about the biology test that brought my grade down and obviously something with the the AP CSP test I took (8/26 with a 9/26 class average) which I can't exactly explain to my mom because 50% of the time she understands the teacher and 50% of the time she'll still rag on me for not getting a high grade.

History class is a B since the teacher seems to never give high A's and not sure how to explain that to my mom, much less her actually understanding.

Sometimes I think if I was less stressed out by my mom, I might actually do better in school because I don’t seem to be doing this for myself; it's all because I know how she'll react if I get anything less than an A and she always tells me "An A tells me that you tried. A B doesn't." Does she know how hard I try? She thinks she has to push me, but that just makes my mental health even worse which damages productivity.

It's the start of second quarter of Sophmore year and I feel like giving up.
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Silverfrost
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You've spent a life time stuck in silence
What I wanna save I will try

POSTED: Wed Oct 17, 2018 12:34 am

when you realize things are so bad, you're making escape plans with your friends to flee the country if shit hits the fan, so you guys don't, yknow, die. and then you remember you've been on political discussions for days on end and forgot to do your posts T.T
Tzila Napier
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Nina
I only procrastinate and yell at Kitty
NO DEATH
woman king

POSTED: Wed Oct 17, 2018 2:57 am

Tzila Napier wrote:when you realize things are so bad, you're making escape plans with your friends to flee the country if shit hits the fan, so you guys don't, yknow, die. and then you remember you've been on political discussions for days on end and forgot to do your posts T.T



please be safe, please be safe, please be safe
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