Re: [M] Open Letters

POSTED: Thu Mar 28, 2019 8:01 am

oh my god. this is so horrifying. i was so close, i almost had to call the hospital last night. can i really do this?

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now dissolve me,
two tabs on your tongue
reality doesn't change

POSTED: Fri Mar 29, 2019 8:17 pm

*Talks to self because who the fuck else is gonna talk to me.*

This why I don't get excited about things! NO ONE CARES! c:
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'Souls Soldier of Love Luperci Mate to Kaeli
War is in My Heart

POSTED: Mon Apr 15, 2019 10:49 pm

Wow you're actually a a giant piece of shit, it took me this long to notice but goddamn, fuck you.

Just turn around and walk away motherfucker, you ain't getting anything from me

ps suck a dick

extra ps dont you dare try to visit me next week pretending shit is all normal
Johnathan Winthrop
I'm a dead man walkin'
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Luperci Maestro Cervecero You have to love yourself a fire

POSTED: Wed Apr 17, 2019 12:02 am

I wish everyone that didn't want me around would just tell me so I can stop wasting time, spirit and energy on people that shouldn't matter to me.
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'Souls Soldier of Love Luperci Mate to Kaeli
War is in My Heart

POSTED: Fri Apr 26, 2019 11:47 am

i fucking hate school and i cannot financially or emotionally take another semester if i don't fucking pass this last thing


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Luperci heliophagy You Tried: A Reward for Doing the Thing SoSuWriMo 2012 - 2020 Champion!
devour the sun
tarnished prince

POSTED: Sun Apr 28, 2019 2:00 am

I need to stop tying so much of my self worth to my GPA and my grades, because when I 'fail', it makes me borderline suicidal.

Getting a B or a B- overall in one class shouldn't feel like the end of the word, but because of the nauseatingly painful amount of pressure I put on myself it does.

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Mercante light of the North
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POSTED: Sun Apr 28, 2019 3:35 pm

re: Why I was afraid of telling you that I moved out last year.

I can't think of a time when things weren't blown out of proportion. Everything has always been a huge deal. I understand that y'all want the best for me, but it hurts to be treated like you don't believe I can make good decisions on my own. I have never felt as if I have been stood up for when it matters, and it feels like time and time again, I am disappointed. As my parents, you have done your best with the resources you had and knew how to get. I have grown to become a capable, kind individual, because I was raised by good people who have been able to overcome so many obstacles and challenges.

I was afraid because I did not want to face the unknown, because it has always felt like I was alone, as if no one could quite reach me or help me. That's not the case anymore. Even if it doesn't always feel like it, I am trying my best. I know I have nothing to lose, because there are people out there that are not obligated to love me because we are related. That's important to me. If I have my biological family's support and unconditional love as well, that's a blessing; not everyone has that privilege.

I want to be open and honest, but it's not easy when I don't feel safe.


re: do you feel better?

I dunno. I think I've come to the conclusion that all my fears have been completely irrational, and not being able to confront that has caused me to hurt people.

I haven't done anything to try and get to know my parents, and they haven't tried to hurt me. Obviously they just want their kid to have a happy life, like any other sane, rational person would want for their own children.

I don't think I really had any reason to not come out right away. Like, sure, they aren't particularly considerate in their words and actions towards me, and mom often goes into hysterics, but they don't hate me. If someone isn't given the tools and resources to be able to do better, how exactly can you expect them to do better on their own?

It feels like I've spent all this time pretending to be a victim, lamenting what I perceive as losses. The outcome feels flat because I wanted drama where there was none. I wanted a reason to justify my sadness. Undeniably and indisputably, I am sad. I am frustrared. I am upset. But holding on to those feelings does not mean they are appropriate.

Case in point: My mom cries and begs me to promise her that I will never get another tattoo again.

She's from a developing country, she's a devout Catholic, and she's in her 60s. The idea of being stabbed thousands of times only to get some image that I'll inevitably regret 30 years from now makes her feel like she's failed as a parent.

I could have explained that is an inappropriate request to make of any autonomous individual, and that while I appreciate her concern, I am willing to deal with the consequences at a later date. Instead, I actively self sabotage until there's nothing left. If I can stunt myself, I will. If I don't have to be the better person, I won't.

Honestly, if I could just hit a reset button to undo all the problems I've caused, I would. But I can only go forward. I still feel awful but I just have to do better. Try not to make the same mistakes. Try to do what I wish I had done the last time. Don't blame others. It feels bad to have wasted all this time, but I don't need to waste another twenty years.


re: sorry

im sorry for dragging you along. i really am trying to get over this whole problem ive caused by lying to my family our entire relationship.

my parents arent murderous psychopaths so like literally the worst that would happen is that i would make them cry. ive pretended to be a victim for fear of making my parents cry, or provoking them to say something ignorant/rude.

They're not bad, just uneducated when it comes to dealing with anything beyond the status quo. That's not a personal attack on me.

It's not fair to you either, because i end up projecting and that's not healthy or good. I can absolutely be a better person. I guess it's better to deal with these hard truths now rather than later.

I can't keep procrastinsting until a real problem pops up. Otherwise I'm just gonna feel like shit forever. I create my own toxicity that will affect others, but at the very least, I can stop to think rationally, and actively strive for the results I want.

Most people are good. They don't want to see others suffer. I have absolute control over my own words and actions, so I need to be accountable for what I say and do. Worrying about someone else's shortcomings won't improve my life, and it won't help those around me to feel happy.

POSTED: Thu May 02, 2019 5:25 pm

i think this puppy has separation anxiety and i'm so worried my brother won't have the patience or the desire to do the right thing and give her a goddamn chance

she is a good dog and she can overcome this, he just needs to put in the time and the work

also i wanted to post tonight but now i'm too worried about the future to think straight fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff

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Luperci Mate to Eliza but you'd become my candle in the dark
the sun still rises
even through the rain

POSTED: Thu May 23, 2019 6:14 pm

Sometimes I wonder if I choose to do the wrong thing because I'm inherently chasing the feeling of misery and anxiety, because lord knows if I could stop feeling a certain way I would. But.. now I'm really worried that this defense mechanism of apathy is just.. that. Apathy, apathy to these things in my life that I need to feel a certain way toward and I really don't, so I fake it with a smile and hope the feeling shows up at some point.

I think I've forgotten how to feel so whatever that is happening is so infinitely harder because for a change I feel something and it's not okay.

I either need CBD or a whole lot of sleeping pills.
If I knew you were a sellout. A thief. Use me up - I would have never let you near me.

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POSTED: Sat May 25, 2019 11:58 pm

Don't let the existential crisis set in.

Don't let it set in.
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'Souls Soldier of Love Luperci Mate to Kaeli
War is in My Heart

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