Re: [M] Open Letters

POSTED: Sat Aug 17, 2019 2:10 pm

Wow so, okay, so brain you're telling me you want to do this now?

yes.

Fine. So which part of me would you like to question today?

all of it thx.

What do you mean all of it? Every day? I can't do this forever, I just can't. I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and smile at pretty girls and laugh at their jokes, and look at my body for christ's sake I'm young I should feel hot wtf. But instead I'm buying big sweaters to cover myself up, wearing pants all day mid summer, and eating less and sleeping less, and now my dad thinks something is wrong and has told me to take extra serotonin medication. Which is questionable. I didn't do that. Besides, I'm not losing my head, I've felt this way before, I just need to go to the doctor on Monday after work and tell him how I really feel.

Also to anyone who read all that, listen to Alligator by Of Monsters and Men :D it good song.
Mistfell Vale
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Jordan
Luperci Mate to Virue Hunter I

POSTED: Sun Aug 18, 2019 7:15 pm

Ugh, I want to cry, but I can't because I'm scared that I will just be yelled at
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Mistfell Vale
Crowstooth
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Ash
Luperci Weapons Master I Mate to James

POSTED: Tue Aug 27, 2019 4:18 pm

I've lost the ability to articulate any of the issues in my life, so here are some John Mulaneys that I am feeling at any given moment

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Broker
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San
Luperci

POSTED: Sat Aug 31, 2019 11:49 pm

everyone in the apartment complex right now:
please go the fuck to sleep. Please go the fuck to sleep. Please go the fuck to sleep.

I need to walk my roomie's anxious, aggressive dog. Please, please go to sleep/stop smoking blunts and leaving them on the sidewalk/fucking yelling outside the damn building and leaving your trash everywhere. More importantly:
g o t h e f u c k t o s l e e p. Why did you wait until 9:34 PM to crawl out of the woodwork like a bunch of roaches on your long weekend and hang outside. What kind of mole people live in this complex.



Update: 10:20 PM. People still outside. I couldn't see them. Walking this dog is a fucking nightmare, and he deserves much better in life, but for fuck's sake. I'm trying to walk the dog. He is not a *friendly* dog. That is why he has a muzzle. Stop stopping in the middle of the fucking sidewalk to ogle us like a spectacle while I try to get him back under control while he's throwing his head around and beating the shit out of my leg because he's lunging at you and your dogs. Please just keep walking.

If my roommate can somehow magically make it home sooner to handle his poor pooch, the better, I don't know if my shoulders and back and legs can handle much more of this, and it's only on night two.
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Despi
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won't stay down

POSTED: Sun Sep 01, 2019 12:46 pm

I am an anxious mess today. Last night, my PTSD got jostled because there was gunfire outside the apartment, literally on the corner of our house. I knew the area was bad and I've already gone through the fear of almost being shot once a few months back but it was like reliving the whole situation all over again and my mind immediately went to the worst thoughts possible. As such, I've been too nervous and anxious to go to sleep for more than a few minutes at a time and I've been going through a lot of soda as a result which I'm not allowed to have that much of because I'm diabetic. I've also crossed the territory of doing things I shouldn't, obviously, and now I'm anxious about doing anything like posting or just writing in general.

My fiance is asleep but I'll feel bad waking them up, especially since I didn't say anything when they did before when I totally could have gotten all this shit off my chest. As a side note, I almost got into an argument with Sarah last night because I hadn't replied to her question in regards to me moving back to my dad's place because the way she worded things. It made me think she was trying to judge me or start an argument with me and instead, we just ended up talking about what's going on in our lives again. As much as I hate to say it, I had a feeling her current relationship wouldn't have lasted. It was a miracle it survived as long as it did but there are reasons I felt the way I did. I'm starting to realize that a lot of my relationships in the past were sort of toxic since I have a really good relationship right now in which the both of us communicate.

I'm also sort of dealing with shit when it comes to my dad. He let Brandon move back in and living with Brandon is a fucking nightmare because he leaves the house at all hours of the night, doesn't lock the door, and then when things like last night happen, I'm left thinking the worst could have happened because he won't get over his bad habits or listen to anyone when they tell him not to do something.

I know he's an adult but there are reasons to us asking him not to. We're not trying to control him. We just want to keep everyone safe.

Anyway, my blood pressure must be high or my shaking hands and tightness of breath is in relation to something else. I'm not ready to sleep yet so gonna leave things involving the wiki and posts alone for today and try and post later on when I have the capability to focus and not be a nervous, anxious little ball of PTSD. I do hope the constant anxiety and panic attacks wear off, though. My new therapist doesn't prescribe medication and I won't get my medicaid back for a couple of weeks.

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Dread

POSTED: Sun Sep 01, 2019 1:03 pm

-heavy anxious breathing-
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Jace
Luperci Conserje, Cocinero
♚· Reine de la Saleté ·♚
⤜Hell is your Red Teeth⤛

POSTED: Sun Sep 01, 2019 2:05 pm

*Internal screaming and panicking.*
Zsorthia



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Westy
Luperci Venerate savagery, Die savagely Tanner, Falconer Settler's Spirit 2020 SoSuWriMo Champ! Del Cenere's Top Poster
GOLD BEHIND THE MASK

POSTED: Sun Sep 08, 2019 4:07 am

cries quietly into the void
Temnota Hushhowl
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Jace
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POSTED: Fri Sep 13, 2019 7:35 am

God I'm fucking crying and I feel like I'm in highschool again. It's been a long tiring week and I made one fucking mistake and ofc someone has to go announcing it to the whole damn team and that's all it fucking took for me to feel miserable enough to cry.

Fuck people, fuck my stupid non exsistant confidence, non assistant self esteem and just tired af brain that didn't even catch the mistake until it was yelled out for the whole dame section to hear. I'm already embarrassed by myself and don't feel comfortable in my own damn body most of the time I don't need this shit

And ofc the biggest rumor/gossip spreader was there and fucking knows what happened and I bet she tells that shit to fucking everybody.

I'm tired
I'm stressed
I hate myself, I hate my life. I just fucking can't right now.

Fuck everything
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Trans rights are human rights
Mistfell Vale
Crowstooth
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Ash
Luperci Weapons Master I Mate to James

POSTED: Tue Sep 17, 2019 3:53 am

God I can't afford to lose this job, why can't I just....keep a job...why does this happen over and over again in a cycle? I thought I was doing better but...this keeps happening. It must be something I'm doing wrong right?

I wish I could figure this shit out so it stopped happening. I wish I wasn't sick a lot, I wish a lot of things. I'm an adult who doesn't know how to adult...and I don't know how to fix this and make it work.

I just don't know.

Maybe it's better if I'm gone
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*sig image by Despi
Mistfell Vale
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