Re: [M] Open Letters

POSTED: Fri Sep 20, 2019 11:29 am

I feel so tense in my own house, waiting to hear footsteps across the hall and shutting doors before I sneak out of my room, afraid of conversation -- because while he doesn't mean it to, those conversations wreck my emotional state. He doesn't need to tell me I'm a burden or a failure or better off gone, because my brain does that itself; it just latches onto every little thing he says, translates it: you fucked up, you are a fuck-up. So when I'm not in a spiral of depression, I'm in a state of anxiety just anticipating the conversations, the lectures, the stubborn misunderstanding, the dismissal.

I'll be so grateful for a reprieve this weekend, but when I come back Monday afternoon, then what? Mom says we'll sort things out and things will get better once the house is sold, because we have to be in this together until then or it's impossible. But it seems too far away.
I can feel the thunder that's breaking in your heart
I can see through the scars inside you
Del Cenere Gang
El Probado
User avatar
Raze
oderint dum metuant You have to love yourself a fire
cave canem
unconditional loyalty

POSTED: Fri Sep 20, 2019 11:58 am

Its Okay to drown for a while.
I can ignore it as long as I want. I can pretend everything is okay as I slowly drown. I can rip up all the letters, all the reminders.

Breathe!
Take deep even breaths, let the water fill my lungs and welcome the thought of drowning. Accept that no matter how hard I try, no matter how hard I fight. My head will never be safely above the water to prevent this, I will always be seconds from drowning.

Its okay to give in. Its okay to not know.
I can pretend it doesn't hurt anymore. I can keep this up, I can pick up the pieces no matter how quickly the pieces are multiplying.

I can do this.
I can keep pretending as long as I want too, no matter how badly the pain in my chest aches and no one will ever know. On the outside I'm fine, but on the inside my broken pieces are as small as grains of sand, scattering in the wind. I'm losing myself, I can't pick up the pieces quick enough.

Its okay It'll be okay. I'll be okay.
Keep breathing, keep fighting. Distract myself, even if distractions can only work for so long. Keep focusing, ignore the hole in my chest as it grows, threatening to overwhelm me.

Keep Fighting
Focus on what is important, ignore how badly it hurts to keep breathing. I will be good enough eventually, I will be the person I've always wanted to be. As long as I can work through the pain.

Keep breathing.
One day not long from now, I'll wake up and I wont hurt so badly anymore. One day it wont hurt to exist. I just have to keep breathing through the pain, and keep pretending that I'm fine. One day, it wont hurt anymore.


Avi's By: @Jmonster, @Mel, and @Ash
Sig By: @Despi

Loners
Wolf
User avatar
Miranda
Luperci

POSTED: Fri Sep 27, 2019 9:48 pm

-eats fist- I should not be adding more side ships to my OTP ship.
Kamari Kaiser

Avatar by Despi
Salsola
The Emissary
User avatar
Songbird
Moderator Luperci Sapienza, Vedetta Mate to Krios Royalty of a Fallen Kingdom
Seeker of Secrets
Amongst Shadows
Bearer of Masks

POSTED: Sat Sep 28, 2019 1:22 am

Watching from afar at the world as it passes by, getting left behind and forgotten. I'm already dead, just waiting to die.
Loners
Wolf
User avatar
Dark
Luperci Mate to Kaeli
War is in My Heart

POSTED: Sun Oct 13, 2019 3:59 pm

Today was the first day that I genuinely felt like I want to give up. I’m so far away from home, no one knows me here, I don’t speak the first language, and every day is just a struggle to feel ok. I know that I’ve already uprooted my life before, and so you think I’d be able to handle it, but I just spent an hour crying in the bathtub. I just keep thinking over and over that I’m not cut out for this, and I didn’t think about how hard this was all going to be. I wish I had a roommate. I wish I had my cat. I wish my parents and boyfriend were here. I wish I finally had my boxes so I could have some belongings from home. I love my job, so it’s not all bleak - but then I get home and it’s just me and my thoughts and my quiet meditations and I really don’t like what the inside of my head is like when I’m just by myself.

I just want to be the happy, confident, accomplished person that people see me as. I want to feel that. I don’t want to linger on all the stresses that my life has. I wish I could be as optimistic and kind to myself as I am to those around me. I wish I was better at eating, and at taking my medication, and treating myself when I need to be treated and deserve some self-care. Why can’t I just be happier? Or even better, why can’t I just be ok?

My therapist always says it’s fine to not be okay. You don’t have to be happy all the time. This is what I’m telling myself today. It’s okay to have shitty days where you feel like there’s a huge wave in front of you, ready to crash.
New Caledonia
Commoner
User avatar
Nocturne

POSTED: Tue Oct 15, 2019 4:52 am

Why can't people just stay home if they're sick?

I think some garbage customer at work yesterday might've given me the flu — or at least encouraged something already brewing — because I've been up for four hours with a wicked fever, monstrous headache, etc. and I'd really hate to disappoint my boss by calling out today.


Salsola
Merchant Apprentice
User avatar
Lorraine
Mercante light of the North SL Top Poster!
basilisk eyes
towering citadel

POSTED: Fri Oct 18, 2019 12:26 pm

welp.
I can feel the thunder that's breaking in your heart
I can see through the scars inside you
Del Cenere Gang
El Probado
User avatar
Raze
oderint dum metuant You have to love yourself a fire
cave canem
unconditional loyalty

POSTED: Tue Oct 22, 2019 7:40 pm

If there is pity in the universe, you'll fucking kill me now. I can't do this anymore.
Loners
Wolf
User avatar
Dark
Luperci Mate to Kaeli
War is in My Heart

POSTED: Fri Nov 08, 2019 12:49 pm

Dear Microsoft,

Please stop forcing me to accept updates that are broken/bugged. I had to restore to an earlier update a month or so ago because you thought I needed to have your newest and "greatest" security update installed. It deleted its own Windows settings and functions. I managed to get rid of it with the restore.

You forced the (I assume) same update on my computer again, but, this time, you completely bricked my computer with it. When I tried to restore, your operating system decided to fucking shit itself and made running it outside of Safe Mode impossible. We barely got it to allow us to just completely reset Windows. This is on top of me having to re-install everything, from my art programs, browsers, games, Office, to all of my personal settings both on Windows and everything I have to re-install.

All this, because you think you know what's best for your users and force their computers to install broken and faulty updates. If there were other options for operating systems besides the even worse Mac, I'd switch. Unfortunately, I'm stuck with you and you continuing to brick my computers.
Kamari Kaiser

Avatar by Despi
Salsola
The Emissary
User avatar
Songbird
Moderator Luperci Sapienza, Vedetta Mate to Krios Royalty of a Fallen Kingdom
Seeker of Secrets
Amongst Shadows
Bearer of Masks

POSTED: Wed Dec 18, 2019 10:08 pm

I hate myself so fucking much it turns my stomach.
Loners
Wolf
User avatar
Dark
Luperci Mate to Kaeli
War is in My Heart

Thread Games