[M] When will I feel this, as vivid as it truly is.

P. Cidro

POSTED: Sat Apr 20, 2019 3:49 pm

WARNING: This thread contains material exceeding the general board rating of PG-13. It may contain very strong language, drug usage, graphic violence, or graphic sexual content. Reader discretion is advised.


OOC -Don't be too concerned by the M tag, it's only for a little bit of detail

Through this magnifying glass, I see a thousand finger prints on the surfaces of who I am.

This past month had moved like a raging river. Cedric had been given the choice of whether to take that river or not, and he'd decided to risk it. Jagged rocks had cut and bruised him, but it felt like there was no going back now, and Cedric was stuck in a ruthless current that threatened to take him over the edge. Cidro was hurt. He was hurt and it was Cedric's fault. He'd broken his promise to keep the small, delicate boy from harm and that guilt had eaten Cedric alive. His only release from that guilt had been pain, which remained the case as the young guard pushed himself beyond limits every day. Then there was the matter of Quinn, the great hole that had swallowed his friend had left Cedric in shock, a batter to his already weakened state that pushed Cedric closer to that edge.

Cedric could have spoken up about his problem, he could have asked for help to get him out of this horrible ride, but the man of few words couldn't bring such things to light. Even when his family had looked at him with blatant concern Cedric found it impossible to admit what plagued him. He just did the only thing he felt he could do: work harder, push harder and bring more punishment down onto himself. It was the only thing that helped. Or the only thing that had helped.

Cedric had asked Leoris to train with him. The kind, older man had been more than willing, and was one of the only pack members Cedric could think of to spar with who hadn't caught onto the boy's motives. The fight had gone how most had over the last month. Cedric performed poorly, blocking only a few strikes and taking a mace to the ribs more than a few times. The boy's already bruised ribs protested, but he ignored the pain, it served a purpose. But Cedric couldn't ignore it when his sword went to meet Leoris' mace, only for the blunt weapon to smash down against the fingers holding his weapon. There had been multiple snapping sounds, and the shock of blinding pain had Cedric drop his weapon and clutch his left hand to his chest. Leoris had looked over the injury, claiming with an apologetic tone that at least three fingers were dislocated, and advised Cedric go to the Medic's office for treatment.

Cedric got as far as the steps up to the Courthouse before stopping himself. Cidro was still resting in one of the patient rooms. Even if Cedric was silent as he got his fingers reset, he knew Cidro would hear and worry. So far Cedric had managed to avoid causing Cidro anymore harm during his numerous visits, but something told the Stryder that he'd ruin things by appearing hurt to the smaller boy. As far as Cedric was concerned, he'd done enough damage to Cidro. Strengthening his resolve, Cedric moved passed the Courthouse to huddle by one of the walls, looking around to make sure he was alone before examining his left hand. The bent fingers looked both gruesome and obvious, but to Cedric's eyes they also looked simple enough to fix. Wasting no time, Cedric held onto one of the broken digits with his good hand and pulled it until he heard it snap.

The click of the resetting bone was agony, Cedric couldn't help a soft yelp from escaping his lips. But the pain, as horrible as it was, brought Cedric to a dark realisation. Cidro had felt pain like this, when whatever vile being had broken his ribs and scarred his skin. Pain that Cidro shouldn't have felt if Cedric hadn't broken his oath. Cedric grasped the next finger, golden eyes watery but steeled, and snapped it back into place. Cidro only felt that pain because of Cedric.

So it was only right that Cedric shared it.

Cedric Stryder
A Knight is sworn to valor, his blade defends the helpless
Casa di Cavalieri
Sworn
User avatar
Jazzy
Luperci Guardsman The Brotherhood: Master of Blunt Weapons They stole my dirty socks... :(

POSTED: Wed May 01, 2019 2:41 pm

The foul, acidic foam that spewed from his lips felt like hot coals shoved down his throat. The less he ate, the more painful it got— leaving nothing but acid to burn him from the inside out.

Food was always one of the first things to go when Cidro was in a rough place. Ever since the Court began to crumble around him, Cidro found it difficult to stomach anything without hacking it up a moment later. By the time he arrived at Casa, he pretty well forfeited eating altogether. The vomiting didn’t stop, however. In fact, it almost seemed to get worse. Instead of confiding in someone — Medic or otherwise — Cidro just slunk out of the office like a sick dog, spewing stomach acid into thorny shrubs.

He raised a hand to wipe his lips, his nose, his eyes— Christ. Everything was damp and sticky, bile and tears running over and making a mess of his fur. He sniffled everything back, hacking one final time before pushing up onto wobbly legs. He should probably move before someone found him in his sick. He wondered how much longer he could keep this up. Even if no one caught him in the act, it didn’t take a genius to see how thin he was getting. Cedric’s vest could only hide so much, after all.

His head felt ill from all the retching, but the Medico Office was close by. He’d go there to lie down after he rinsed his mouth— say it was just his ribs giving him hell again. He was usually safe from Cedric there, too. His Knight hadn’t come by much these days, making it a perfect place to lick his wounds and pray he’d never notice. He was thankful that Cedric wouldn’t have to see him wasting away, but it pained him to consider that his cavalier wasn’t actively seeking him out anymore. He missed his support. Cidro felt like he might throw up again. Disgusting.

As he approached the building on unsteady feet, a strange, but distinctly familiar scent drifted towards him. He stilled, keen ears and nose twitching at the intrusive scent. Was that who he thought it was? But of course it was, it wasn’t like Cidro to mistake his Knight for someone else. His first instinct was to run to him, lose himself in the comforting scent and apologize for being so distant. But the ex-Duc knew better than to be so thoughtless. He was stained in bile and tears, and even though he’d done his best to wipe it off, he’d smell like it until he gave his mouth and face a good wash. He couldn’t let Cedric find him like this, and yet…

Cedric!

A soft yelp silenced any doubts swarming Cidro’s mind. Cedric was hurt— that’s all that mattered now. He didn’t think as he ran, wobbly legs tripping over themselves with every step. He used the wall as a guide, tracing his finger along its length as it led him closer and closer to Cedric’s scent. In a matter of seconds, his frail frame rammed full force into a large, stocky body. A body he hadn’t touched in weeks. But Cidro wasn’t thinking about that now. No, he was too focused on whatever it was that was hurting his beloved.

Cedric? Quierdo, w-what…

He traced Cedric’s body with frantic, but light hands, not able to press very hard considering how weak his grip was these days. Even so, it didn’t take him long to notice the bumps and bruises littering his Knight’s skin— some older than others. But what had caused him to yelp? Was he hurting somewhere new? Why was he so battered?

When he reached Cedric’s hands, he jerked back with wide eyes, ears flat against his skull. They felt so misshapen and twisted… like the bone was mangled inside. He fought desperately not to vomit, hands clasping his snout as he swallowed the bile working its way up his throat. The popping sound, the sudden yelp, the fact that no one else was around— Cidro’s acute senses began to piece the story together before he even had the mind to process it. He did it to himself. Cedric hurt himself. On purpose.

Are you... are you hurting yourself?

His voice was so small, his face so disbelieving. He could already feel the familiar wetness in his eyes, but nothing about this situation was familiar. Cidro was supposed to hurt himself, not Cedric. What could have possibly driven him to such a thing? Had Cidro’s presence cut him so deep? Or had his distance only made things worse? He never did anything right. He was always hurting people. Stupid. Stupid.

Cidro thrashed forward, retching stomach acid into the dirt as he crumpled to his knees.

800 words. ahhhHHHHHHhHHhHHhhhHH

Casa di Cavalieri
Second Cadet (NPC)
User avatar
Abby
Luperci
QUISIERON ENTERRARNOS
summer sn

POSTED: Sat May 04, 2019 6:32 pm

OOC -stuff here

Through this magnifying glass, I see a thousand finger prints on the surfaces of who I am.

Cedric didn't dare flex the digits once they were clicked into place, he could feel them pulse in pain and he imagined they'd need time to recover before he could think about using the hand again. He was clueless to the risks, what might happen if he didn't reset them correctly and left them misaligned. Cedric just saw an problem that he could fix, pain that he could feel, and a handicap he could deal with for the next week or so. As deep as the pain was, Cedric moved onto the last finger without hesitation, his smallest digit, and pushed it out and away from the rest to try and force it back into place. The boy was focused on the job, listening to nothing but the ringing agony in his ears and the pulsing pain in his hand. Cedric didn't know someone was there until they fell into him.

The jostle caused him to pull the little finger wrong, causing the Stryder more pain and leaving the finger out of place, but he didn't care for that. Cedric's quick reflexes had his golden eyes jump towards the body that now stood before him, their deep golden colours and dark hair causing the boy's throat to clench up. Cidro stood before him, looking still as sickly as before but now touching Cedric as if looking for a piece of a puzzle. The small boy traced over bruises with a delicate but determined hand, trying to find the source of something. Cedric couldn't think of anything but how warm the hand against his skin felt, warmth he hadn't felt in almost a month. Part of Cedric wanted to lace his good hand in Cidro's, but whilst the smaller boy was free to touch, Cedric still felt like he didn't dare do anything to Cidro in case he made him worse.

He winced when Cidro found his broken hand, and suddenly realised what Cidro had been looking for.

Cedric couldn't remember ever fighting with his own thoughts. His mind had always been on a simple track and so it was always easy to agree with his own ideas, morals and opinions. Excluding his struggles with talking and emotions, Cedric had never felt the need to doubt himself. Now Cidro asked him a question that shook Cedric, surprised him enough to truly think, before freaking out. Cidro collapsed to gag and part of Cedric stood there bewildered. The other part came to a foul conclusion.

He'd caused this.

Cedric shook his head, used to the guilty thoughts but unwilling to listen to them whilst Cidro was upset. He crouched down near the other, a hovering presence still unwilling to touch the smaller male.

"I wasn't, Cidro. I wasn't hurting myself." Cedric lied. Because it was a lie, Cedric could easily convince himself that he wasn't aiming to cause himself pain but the truth still lingered in the back of his mind. The Stryder fought it away, willing himself to say anything that might somehow make the situation better. "M-my hand got smashed during training. I was told to go see a healer but I didn't want to disturb anyone so I thought I could fix the fingers myself, that's all. I... I'm not hurting myself, please calm down Cidro."

Cedric Stryder
A Knight is sworn to valor, his blade defends the helpless
Casa di Cavalieri
Sworn
User avatar
Jazzy
Luperci Guardsman The Brotherhood: Master of Blunt Weapons They stole my dirty socks... :(

POSTED: Wed May 29, 2019 10:36 am

Cedric’s frantic words ignited something heated and primal in Cidro’s chest. He was lying. His Cedric, honest Cedric, a man who Cidro didn’t think was even capable of lying, was now rambling like a conman while having the gall to tell him to calm down.

Calm down? Fucking calm down?!

His voice was no longer meek and melodic like usual, It was harsh and biting, hoarse from where his throat was burned with acid and bile. He wiped his mouth roughly, pushing up from his puddle of sick and dragging Cedric up with him. He grabbed him by the shoulder, slamming him back into the wall of the building

Oh well sor-ry I’m not an emotionless fucking statue like you. Sorry I’m a little fucking rattled when my boyfriend or whatever the fuck we’re supposed to be is tearing off his fingers cause he didn’t want to ‘disturb anyone’. And even then

He groped at Cedric harshly, feeling up his arm and torso, running over bumps and bruises with wild eyes.

What’s all this shit, then? Huh? I know what your skin feels like when you’ve been training, so don’t sit there and tell me this is normal. Don’t give me that, Cedric. Not now, not after everything we’ve been through. Not after everything we’ve lost

His voice choked off, his weak flame already going out before it had a chance to do any more damage. He backed up, face a mix of distress and surprise.

I’m sorry, I didn’t mean…

Had he really said that? Was that even him that threw Cedric against the wall? Where would his weak limbs even find that strength? What was wrong with him?

I’m not right, Cedric. I’m really, really ill.

And like that, his rage began to melt back into despair. He barely even noticed the sensation of tears spilling over, it was so familiar at this point.

Guess I’ve been so caught up in that that I didn’t realize you were too.

He sniffled.

You haven’t been telling me things, and I… I haven’t been telling you things, either. Just— that ends now, okay? I don’t want to be miserable anymore. I don’t want you being miserable anymore. I miss touching you. I miss talking to you. I hate this… this… this dancing around each other bullshit. It’s not us.

Slowly, carefully, he reached out for Cedric’s good hand. It was tentative, but tender— far from the aggressive hold he used just moments ago. It was a start.

We’re going to sit and tell each other the truth for once, okay? And don’t give me that tontería about training accidents again. We both know that’s not the full truth. I want to know when you’re hurting, Cedric. And you—

He gently squeezed his hand, face pained.

You deserve to know when I’m hurting, too.

473 words. well THAT was a rollarcoaster of emotions. also i know this is serious, but i keep imagining cidro sounding like this when he's yelling lmaooooooo

Casa di Cavalieri
Second Cadet (NPC)
User avatar
Abby
Luperci
QUISIERON ENTERRARNOS
summer sn

POSTED: Thu Jun 27, 2019 12:05 pm

OOC -stuff here

Through this magnifying glass, I see a thousand finger prints on the surfaces of who I am.

A lie slipping from Cedric's tongue wasn't often understood by the man himself. Cedric understood a lie, to an extent. The sky was blue, if someone called it red, they would be lying. That was clear because there was evidence to support it. If someone told Cedric they were happy, even as tears streamed from their eyes, Cedric would know they were lying. And yet, those were the lies of others. Cedric's own deceiving tongue was harder to deduce. Part of Cedric knew what he said to Cidro wasn't the truth, at least not all of it. Cedric did hurt his hand during training, and he was fixing it himself to avoid bothering anyone, a staple of Cedric's fiercely independent nature. But he didn't admit that this was also to feel pain, and that the pain was helping him.

The backlash from his statement caused Cedric to do something he never did; as Cidro stood up, teeth flashing and voice reaching a furious height, Cedric's ears and tail dropped immediately into a submissive state. Not his father, nor his mentor, not even the beast who scarred him, could get Cedric to act submissive. But Cidro's fury was enough to bring the big man that little bit lower. Then there came the barrage of words, like how the words Cedric lacked, Cidro let out so easily. Those words were fuelled by anger now, and Cedric had no clue how to counter them but to stand there and take it, take in the frustrations of his love like he took on pain just to rid him of guilt. But as quick as a flame without fuel or cloth, Cidro's fury died down, and the smaller man was backing off and retracing his words with apologies and tears.

If Cidro wanted Cedric to talk, then the man would talk. After his moment of silence, gently rubbing at a sore spot that Cidro had woken up in his rough search of Cedric's body, the man sighed. "You're... You're ill because of me. Because I keep failing to protect you. Not just the wounds and pain, I don't know how to stop you from crying or having nightmares. I can't do anything to help."

A hand slipped into Cedric's good one, and it took willpower to not pull it closer and embrace the one touching him. He didn't want to break Cidro, not more than was already done. But Cidro suggested they talk to each other now, to clear things up, and Cedric couldn't help but agree. Words didn't come to him well, but he would try for Cidro's sake to make the smaller man understand. "You said I was confusing, t-the first time you were here. I think that is right, I am very confusing, I don't even understand myself sometimes. I... I am emotionless, because emotions confuse me greatly, I don't know what to do with them or how to react." Cedric looked down, thinking of when he'd seen Cidro injured and scared. That feeling of sorrow that never manifested into anything, not even a single tear, followed by the feeling of being just wrong. "I couldn't... even cry when I saw you so upset, I didn't know what to do, but blame myself and my stupid head."

"That blame never went away. The first time you were injured I was also wounded, but this time... Cidro you were hurt so much and I did nothing to stop it. You are the kindest and most beautiful thing I know and you didn't deserve to be hurt, I did. Because I'm the one who made an oath to protect you. It's my fault you're hurting... and I don't know how to deal with that other than accept punishment."

Cedric twitched his bad hand, a spike of pain reminding him that one finger remained out of place. "I have been getting injured on purpose. Some have told me to stop... my sisters, but I just... couldn't. Not whilst you were still in so much pain."

Cedric Stryder
A Knight is sworn to valor, his blade defends the helpless
Casa di Cavalieri
Sworn
User avatar
Jazzy
Luperci Guardsman The Brotherhood: Master of Blunt Weapons They stole my dirty socks... :(

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