Crisis of Self

Teagan :D

POSTED: Sun May 22, 2016 7:30 pm

19th, morning [776]


It was far from usual for Indi to purposefully seclude herself from her family. Usually Indi would go straight to her family when she was upset, clinging around whoever seemed most receptive that particular day until the scent and warmth of her family made her feel better. Today though she was far from any others, curled up in a tight ball inside a thick, tangled bush not far from the fort. After yesterday’s… misadventure she had no desire to roam far from the safety of her pack though, and she was still close enough that the mingled scents of the other cavaliers wove around her like a warm blanket.

Speckled with enough wild herb plants to cover up her scent, and thick enough to hide her from view, Indi had chosen her hiding spot well. It was only the faint sniffling coming from within that might give her away.

With a groan, Indi slowly unfolded herself and moved to lay on her side. It was a slow, tricky affair; the bandaged wrapped around her forearm and leg caught and snagged on the branches of the bush, and the bruises littering her body ached as she changed position. The weather outside was dull and dreary, but dry for once, and Indi watched through a hole in the leaves as a rabbit poked around the outside of the bush, nose twitching as it nibbled on the leaves. It didn’t seem to notice her scent through the thick, minty herbs, and it was only when it actually looked over and saw her eyes that the little creature bolted for the safety of the treeline. Well, at least something was afraid of her. Right now, Indi felt like she had more in common with that rabbit than the other luperci of Casa.

Much like the flood after the red star had hit, yesterday’s events had left Indi shaken up. The smell of the bag that had covered her face, the feeling of rough hands clasped tight around her, those memories made her shudder in horror just thinking about them, but it was how helplessshe had been that truly made Indi feel wretched. Indi hated feeling like this; helpless, useless. Her family was everything to her, she wanted to be able to protect them! She wanted to be brave like Teagan, strong like Luca, fierce like Lyris. Instead, when danger had come knocking, all she had been able to do was give in to the fear; curl up in a ball and wait for it to take her. If Lyris hadn’t been there… Indi sniffed and buried her head deeper into her knees, trying not to think about what fate might have awaited her at the hands of the two loners.

It just felt… unfair to Indi. When she and Teagan had been little one of their favourite games had been to play as knights, running around the world and vanquishing evil. It somehow felt like Teagan had managed to bring all that courage through to the real world, while Indi’s had been left behind in the fantasy. It wasn’t just Teagan; their parents, uncle Enzo, uncle Cal… everywhere she looked Indi saw brave people, willing to risk their lives to protect what was close to them. Indi had grown up looking with starry eyes at big men with big swords, at lithe warriors with bows and arrows and knives. She had admired them them, based her expectations of herself upon them, and fallen flat on her face trying to match them.

Casa di Cavalieri was a pack of knights, warriors. Indi knew this, had known it her entire life. When she was younger it had made her feel excited, but now it just made her feel alone. How could she fit in with the rest of the pack like this? How could she defend others when she couldn’t defend herself, when the mere thought of stepping foot outside the pack and seeing another living creature had her whimpering in fear to herself?

It was a question that seemed to have no answer, certainly none that would be found curled up inside a bush. Yet even so, Indi couldn’t bring herself to do anything other than continue to watch the world through her little peephole and pretend that the moisture running down her face was just dew dripping down onto her. At least in here she was safe, at least in here she didn’t have to walk among the pack and wonder what everyone thought of her, what everyone would think of her once tales of yesterday spread.

POSTED: Fri Jun 03, 2016 12:37 am

(+604)
Sorry for the wait and the disjointed ramble Dx

Note for me: training thread

When they had first arrived home the night before, Teagan had been struck with a white-hot rage. Both her mother and Indi had been injured, though it was clear who had had prolonged exposure to the loathsome loners. Lyris had a few new wounds, but, she was tough, invincible, strong. The scars on her body proved such a fact. Her hardened personality made the injury seem altogether unimportant. Indi though? Teagan’s precious sister?

The events of the falling star had already shaken up her once upbeat, friendly, and fearless nature. To make matters worse, she had still been recovering from the injuries brought about from Teagan’s foolishness. Indi had been on the road to becoming her old self again, and then some…some heartless, selfish, cowardly, bastard had to ruin everything! He—they—whoever they’d been, they had broken her!

Teagan had slept fitfully with her ears so heated from her rage. She blamed herself for not going to look for Indi sooner—for having stayed out all day consorting with a particular jerk rather than keeping her sister company. She had mentally called Indi’s faceless aggressor every horrible name she could think of and had cruelly visualized all the ways she would make them suffer for what they did to Indi and their mother.

Once the initial anger had dissipated a bit though, the Lotta’s feelings had turned to worry. She worried for what the attack might have done to Indi’s already fragile mental state. She worried what effects it might have to her once bouncing demeanor and positive outlook on life. Teagan had been attacked when she was younger, but, unlike Indi, she hadn’t already been in a vulnerable mental position. She had been oblivious, and the attack had shocked her into the real world. She had recovered quickly because she hadn’t already been chipped or cracked. The whole experience was different than Indi’s. Indi was strong but she was…there were parts of her that were soft from her recent shake-up.

She had distanced herself from the family again, and that was what had the Stryder child worried. Teagan didn’t want to be picking up pieces of her sister. She would have given anything for Indi to be confident and happy again.

So, after she had finished some training with Agrona and couldn’t find Indi, Teagan had taken off to scouring the Fort for her missing sister. She hadn’t told anyone who she was looking for, hadn’t shouted Indi’s name, or given any detail of who she was searching for. For Teagan, the whole affair was a private one, and not something she felt Indi wanted broadcasted to the entire pack. It had taken a bit of searching, for, it appeared Indi hadn’t wanted to be found in the first place.

Indi’s trail had led Teagan outside of the Fort, but, it had been the soft sniffles that had cued the sister to her littermate’s hidden location in a large, dense bush. Teagan’s ears pricked at the sad sound, falling as the cream-coated girl knelt down to the ground. “Indi?” She softly called into the bush. She brushed back a stray strand of hair that fell in her face as she cocked her head slightly to one side. “You think there’s room for two in there?” She offered her sister one of her rare smiles, trying to be supportive. She knew better than to bring up anything about the previous day’s incident without Indi initiating the topic first.

Teagan Stryder

Casa di Cavalieri
War Lord
User avatar
Songbird
The Brotherhood: Master of Bladed Weapons
You shoot me down
but I won't fall
I am titanium

POSTED: Tue Jul 05, 2016 4:24 pm

INDI KNIGHT
[ 360]

Let’s get this one going again! :D

When she had first heard Teagan clumping around the forest outside she had stilled herself, even her twitches and quiet sobs drying up as she tried to make herself as small and quiet as possible. Silently she willed Teagan to keep walking, to continue on with whatever hunting or training has brought her out here. She didn’t want Teagan here today, not seeing her like this.

Her body betrayed her though, refusing to let her keep quiet entirely, and Lyris had done too good a job teaching them to track and hunt. It didn’t take more than a few wet hiccups and sniffles to have Teagan heading her way, ears twitching lightly as she tracked the sounds and eventually ended up right outside Indi’s sanctuary. The koi-coloured youth clamped her muzzle shut and silently cursed at her body to be still; all to no avail. Evidently Teagan had sensed where she was and begun to approach; though Indi kept her eyes screwed tight shut, the steady crunch of Teagan’s footfalls, and then her concerned voice calling out Indi’s name, were impossible to ignore away.

“G’way,” she sniffed as Teagan called her name, claws digging into her arms as she curled tighter into herself. Teagan didn’t leave though, and Indi finally cracked one eye open when her sister spoke again. Looking out through a small break in the bush she could see Teagan, her head almost appearing enlarged through the narrow aperture. Indi was used to reading Teagan’s emotions through the subtle signs that her sister gave off, the difference between a happy Teagan and an unhappy one usually expressed in different shades of deadbeat expressions and smirks. The large, genuine smile looked awkward in her face, and despite herself Indi found herself giggling through her sniffs.

“You should smile more, Tea-” she said softly, “-you need the practise.” The smile she gave was shaky, and barely lasted a second, but it had existed. Indi didn’t actually respond to Teagan’s question, but she let herself uncurl and slowly shuffled over to the side, giving Teagan room to join her.

Template: Hilli / Andi || Table: Songbird

POSTED: Wed Jul 13, 2016 5:09 pm

(+487)

Indi pulled further into her tight, defensive position within the bush. The remains of her sniffles might as well have been fireworks in Teagan’s ears. It made Teagan’s lips twitch as she felt that muffled anger return to her about the reason as to why they were out there in the first place, about the reason why Indi drowning in her emotions once again. If I ever get a hold of that bastard, I’ll kill him, she thought vengefully, sourly, bitterly. Indi didn’t deserve this.

The pathetic dismissal earned the koi-colored sister a soft huff of air. “Not unless you’re coming with me,” Teagan told her resolutely. She settled down into a more comfortable, permanent position as if to prove her point.

A lone, sapphire eye suddenly peered through the leaves and foliage at her. At least we’re getting somewhere now. It was comforting to see that Indi was at least acknowledging her, and hadn’t completely shut her out. If she had, well, the situation would have had to been one forced into a different direction. Instead of attempting to appear comforting, she would have had to take a more aggressive route taken from a page out of their mother’s book.

It seemed her mission was somewhat of a success if Indi had enough spirit to offer a weak tease. Teagan’s smile had quickly disappeared though, and a scowl formed in its place. She offered nothing more than a sharp exhale of air as she rolled over onto her knees and pried the bush apart so that she could join Indi inside of it. “Move over,” she grouched at her sibling’s slow movements. A few branches and twigs poked her as the bush absorbed her into it, but, eventually, Teagan found herself sitting close enough to her sister that their sides and legs brushed up against each other.

For a few moments, Teagan sat there silently. Her eyes were narrowed coldly on the foliage a few inches away from her face. Now that she was in the bush, she didn’t know what to say. She wasn’t the comforting sort, perhaps an unfortunate trait passed down from their mother. Teagan just didn’t do the whole touchy-feely, heart on their sleeve sort of thing. She locked her emotions behind a tightly controlled mask. While it helped her remain poised, calm, controlled, it also hindered her in understanding others as easily as she would have liked.

Finally, after debating on what she was going to say, Teagan found a piece of dialogue that she liked. “Do you want to practice with me?” It was sudden, blunt, and the Stryder refused to look in her sister’s direction. “Fighting, I mean,” she clarified after a beat, “It helped me after…” A hand came up to ghost over the scars on her upper arm. “Well, you know…”

Teagan Stryder

Casa di Cavalieri
War Lord
User avatar
Songbird
The Brotherhood: Master of Bladed Weapons
You shoot me down
but I won't fall
I am titanium

POSTED: Thu Aug 04, 2016 2:53 pm

INDI KNIGHT
[ 200 ]

ooc text

Teagan’s smile disappeared in an instant at her words, making Indi huff gently in amusement. The bush suddenly felt much smaller than it had before as Teagan wormed her way in alongside her. No longer were they small puppies, able to roam about and squeeze themselves into all sorts of trouble and interesting places; the world was a much smaller place these days, it seemed. The thought drew out a watery chuckle as Indi pressed herself against the warm mass of her sister, as always drawing comfort from knowing that her family was so close.

Indi was silent as Teagan spoke, ears pinned back against her head and a chill spreading down her spine at the thought of exposing herself to yet more violence. “I…” she hesitated halfway through her refusal, tail thrashing agitatedly in what little space it had to move, accidentally smacking against Teagan as it did so. Why was she so afraid of the thought? That her sister would actually hurt her was inconceivable, unthinkable, so there was no reason to be afraid, right? For a few seconds Indi struggled with herself, until she eventually spoke again in a quiet, small voice, “Yeah, sure,”

Template: Hilli / Andi || Table: Songbird

POSTED: Thu Aug 04, 2016 4:11 pm

(+441)

I think Teagan may have taken a page from Lyris’ book :x Hope the assumption was okay! I wanted to get the thread moving!

Indi seemed to relax a little in her sister’s company. It was a start. As much as Teagan might have…disliked being touchy-feely and warm-and-cuddly, she’d suffer through it if it meant that it would lift Indi’s spirits. It was much better than the alternative, at least. Waterworks wasn’t something Teagan was in any way experienced with. Comforting, being soft, supportive, they were all foreign terrain for the Lotta. She could provide the physical comfort Indi seemed to like though, as it only required her to let her sister melt into her like they used to as pups.

She sensed the Guarire hesitate. Her silence spoke volumes, and her trailed words didn’t exactly commit to a willful individual. It took everything in Teagan to not glance in her sister’s direction. She didn’t want to spook Indi or put her on the defensive. The koi-colored sibling had to make the decision on her own, without feeling pressured into it. It’d be the only way she’d be able to recover…

The sister seemed to think better of whatever she had been about to say though as silence quickly filled the air between them once more. Her tail ivory tail brushed against Teagan, but not in a comforting or comfort-me way. She was in thought, and eventually, she revealed her answer to Teagan.

Finally, the Stryder looked at Indi. Her edges of her lips twitched, pulling upward in a shadow of a smile, proud that Indi had decided to get back on that figurative horse again. “Don’t hold back, okay?” The smile she’d once had morphed into a confident smirk. She shifted a bit, a hand innocently and subtly grasping for Indi’s ankle. “I want you to fight me like you mean it.” It was the only warning Indi would get for the session Teagan was about to put her through.

Suddenly, her grasp tightened considerably, and without warning, Teagan yanked her sister out of the bush, dragging her across the leaf litter. A hard, serious edge glowed in her canary eyes. “I’m a Loner that just found you and your sister patrolling the borders. Your sister is incapacitated, and you’re all that’s left to keep me and my scumbag partner from dragging you two off. In order to save your sister, you have to get rid of me,” she explained the scenario sternly, her grasp tightening in hopes that the added physical reminder of her situation might chase away any clouding thoughts that might have been in Indi’s head. “Now. Fight. Me.”

Teagan Stryder

Casa di Cavalieri
War Lord
User avatar
Songbird
The Brotherhood: Master of Bladed Weapons
You shoot me down
but I won't fall
I am titanium

POSTED: Thu Aug 04, 2016 5:40 pm

INDI KNIGHT
[ 240 ]

ooc text

Indi’s body language grew practically despondent as Teagan kept talking, snow-white ears shrinking back until they had practically disappeared beneath the tangled mess of orange her hair had formed. Indi had never fought anything other than a piece of prey in her life, how could she fight her sister like she was being asked to? Even if she didn’t know that Teagan could beat her into the ground with one arm tied behind her back if she was so inclined, even if Indi had thought it was actually possible to win, how could she do that to her sister?

“B-but-” she began, but before Indi could stutter out a full sentence Teagan’s fingers closed around her ankle, and she had a split second of clarity as to what was going to happen to her. Even with her speed though there was no time to react and she found herself being dragged out of the bushes, shrieking and flailing in shock as she went.

Things didn’t get much better from there. Teagan’s eyes bored into her like a pair of sharp yellow diamonds, weaving a horrible story to the trapped Indi. She whimpered and made a token effort of lashing out at Teagan with her feet to try and break free, but after a few weak kicks she flopped back down and quivered, “I, I cant” she sniffed

Template: Hilli / Andi || Table: Songbird

POSTED: Thu Aug 04, 2016 7:11 pm

(+503)

Tough Love Teagan coming through! Dx

She wasn’t responding like Teagan wanted her to. She was closing herself up, hiding in her protective shell. Rolling over. Shrinking. She wasn’t fighting back, only further and further emotionally cowering back. She cried out like a baby bird; vulnerable, fragile, something that needed protection. How was she supposed to get stronger if she refused to fight?!

It scared Teagan, but her fear came out as anger. What if she wasn’t there when Indi was in danger again? Would it be the end of her littermate, of her sister, of her best friend? What if something horrible happened to her? Teagan would have never been able to live with herself. She had to make Indi strong enough to protect herself, so that their parents—so that she wouldn’t have to worry about the young Knight’s wellbeing.

Indi’s pathetic attempt to fight off Teagan’s strong grasp only fueled the irritation that had swelled up in the Lotta. Indi had begun to cry again, and verbally accepted defeat before the fight could even begin. Teagan’s eyes narrowed sharply onto her sister, yanking her towards her once more. In a swift motion, she knelt and punched the ground next to Indi’s head. “And why can’t you?!” She roared as she leaned over her sister.

“Is this how it’s gonna be?! You’re just going to give up?! You’re going to let your sister—me—die just because you’re afraid?!” She stood up and backed off, unable to be so close to her sister in her anger. Her heart was pounding in her chest, and she could feel her core temperature rising. She needed to cool down before she scared Indi away. Teagan let out a sharp exhale as she turned her back on the Guarire. “It’s alright to be scared, Indi. I was scared when I was attacked, but, I didn’t want to die, so I fought back. Dad was scared when the star fell, but he stayed strong so that the rest of the pack wouldn’t lose faith. Mom was scared when she found you being dragged off by those bastards, but she attacked them because she didn’t want to lose you.

“If you cower and hide and let other Luperci fight your battles for you, then you’re doing nothing but condemning them to death! Do you want to be a liability?!” Teagan glared back at Indi from over her shoulder. “I need to be able to trust you to have my back if we’re ever in a fight, Indi.” She took a heated breath and turned. “Let go of your fear and fight. Me. If you can’t even fight me now, you’ll never be able to save anyone!” Teagan stalked forward, one fist cocked back in preparation of another punch. If Indi didn’t dodge or counter, Teagan would have a hell of an explanation to give to their mother for bruising Indi.

Teagan Stryder

Casa di Cavalieri
War Lord
User avatar
Songbird
The Brotherhood: Master of Bladed Weapons
You shoot me down
but I won't fall
I am titanium

POSTED: Fri Aug 05, 2016 12:04 pm

INDI KNIGHT
[ 730 ]

*pins a jerk badge on Teagan*

Indi shrieked and threw up her hands to tryand defend herself as she was yanked towards Teagan once more, though truthfully if the blow had actually been aimed at her head rather than the ground it would have connected. Ears slicked back against her head, Indi quailed under Teagan’s furious gaze, flinching as the angry words slammed into her like a fist. “I… I” she stammered, unable to talk in the face of Teagan’s rage. This wasn’t like the quiet, childish anger that had briefly separated them once, this was something else entirely. Something that terrified Indi and broke her heart in equal measure. When Teagan finally released her and stalked away she remained sat bonelessly on the floor, tears pricking at the corners of her eyes.

Slowly she began to shakily climb to her feet, eyes fixed on Teagan like prey staring into a predator’s eyes. She’d never seen Teagan act like this before, not to her, and in that instant Indi felt more alone than she ever had before. Teagan’s anger at her began to make sense as she ranted at Indi. Making sense of it didn’t help Indi much though, instead the confusion and fear swimming through her head were just joined by a third emotion; shame. Frustration as well; did Teagan think that she was telling Indi something new? That Indi hadn’t already spent every waking moment since she had been attacked beating herself up with those exact same words? That the thought of her mother’s wounds, the thought of Teagan being injured like that hadn’t kept her awake at night? Tegan’s words were like salt thrown straight into wounds that Indi had done a stellar job of cutting open herself.

Indi saw Teagan move, but didn’t react; she deserved it, she thought. She just tilted her head so that her sister’s fist struck her cheek rather than her muzzle and then took the blow, staggering slowly backwards until her back rested against a tree. She spat a globule of blood away where her teeth had cut the inside of her cheek and let her head droop down low, not wanting to see the disappointment on Teagan’s face.

“I know.” she said quietly at first, and then her voice rose to a shout, “I know dammit! I’m weak, I’m pathetic!” Indi’s teeth were bared in a snarl as she pushed herself away from the tree and stalked towards Teagan. Her hands were clenched tightly into fists down at her side, the pinpricks of pain as unsheathed claws punctured her own palms barely registering. She halted a few steps away from Teagan and began to pace back and forth, eyes fixed on her sister.

“I, I want to be strong, I want to be able to protect people but I just, I can’t, I-” Indi growled and pulled at her hair in frustration as she got more and more wound up, trying and failing to put words to her thoughts. Fighting wasn’t something that came easy or naturally to Indi, even the regimented spars that she was forced into were horrible experiences; Indi spending them half worried about hurting the other party and half humiliated at how bad she was doing. The thought of hurting, of killing another Luperci - another living thing that could think and love and grow - made her feel sick. But so did the thought of someone she cared about getting hurt because she couldn’t defend herself.

The youth carried on pacing back and forth, half seeming like she wasn’t even aware of Teagan’s presence anymore if it weren’t for the intense, near-constant eye contact. “Why don’t you just- just go away if that’s how you feel? Don’t worry about me, don’t fight my battles for me!”The thought of Teagan or Lyris or Luca, injured and bleeding because they had tried to protect her. The cold dread and fear was turning to anger. “I don’t want you or anyone to fight my battles for me, I don’t want anyone to get hurt for me! Why don’t you just go away and leave me alone! With a final screech Indi abruptly threw herself at Teagan, one fist swinging clumsily but strongly towards her head.

Template: Hilli / Andi || Table: Songbird

POSTED: Sat Aug 06, 2016 2:59 am

(+619)

-struts about proudly-

As much as it hurt to see her sister cower because of her, Teagan could only feel her frustration rising. She didn’t want Indi to fear her. To see her so distraught, it sickened the Stryder. She didn’t want Indi to be afraid when in her presence, didn’t want to cause any more emotional trauma than the Knight already had had. But she just wasn’t getting it. She was folding in on herself, displaying those horrible, vulnerable emotions that Teagan had sworn off so many months ago. She remained unmoving and unable to form a coherent reply, and it only twisted the sinking feeling in Teagan’s chest.

Teagan wanted nothing more than to shake her, to somehow force her to understand. Indi needed to be stronger. She needed to stand up for herself. She needed to rely on her own two feet. She needed to be independent of their parents…of Teagan. The Lotta wasn’t strong enough to protect the two of them on her own, and their parents might not be there the next time a crisis occurred. Help wouldn’t always be there…

Her fist connected firmly with Indi’s cheek, and the sibling’s lack of interest to dodge it caused Teagan’s lips to curl. “Tch.” So many other words threatened to fall from her tongue, but she was able to reel them in and reform them into a single sound of dissatisfaction. She let her hand fall to her side, not bothering to continue her assault. It was pointless, and she had no intention to beating someone who refused to fight back. She watched with a scathing glare as Indi spat out a crimson liquid.

The Guarire refused to meet Teagan’s canary eyes at first when she finally found her voice again. However, she quickly gained momentum, and, soon, she was returning the Lotta’s shouts. Teagan held her ground when Indi stalked towards her. She hated that Indi had so little faith in herself. She hated that Indi thought so lowly of her skills and potential. She wanted so badly to stop her, to point out how wrong she was, but something told her to hold back, to let Indi say what she had to say, to let her vent, to voice the monologue she had likely kept repeating to herself until that very moment.

“You can’t with that attitude,” she agreed scornfully when Indi started to pull at her hair and pace some more. In the end, the remark got Indi to turn on her. She tried to push Teagan away, tried to convince her—or maybe just herself—that she wanted to be alone. It was a lie, and Teagan knew it.

Finally, Indi struck on her own accord. She threw a punch, one that Teagan easily caught. “If I didn’t love you, I wouldn’t be here, Indi!” Teagan yelled. She stared harshly at her sister. Slowly, she let her grip on Indi’s knuckles tighten softly, almost comfortingly. “If you want to get stronger, you have to push yourself! If you want to protect others, you have to be willing to do what needs to be done! If you don’t want other people to fight your battles, then don’t let them doubt your ability! If you don’t want anyone to get hurt because of you, then don’t be a soft target!”

Teagan threw Indi’s fist away from her and stepped into a punch that was aimed for the Guarire’s shoulder. “The only thing that is holding you back is you! I know you’re strong, Indi! Just believe in yourself for one damn minute!”

Teagan Stryder

Casa di Cavalieri
War Lord
User avatar
Songbird
The Brotherhood: Master of Bladed Weapons
You shoot me down
but I won't fall
I am titanium

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