crucify the ego, before it's far too late

POSTED: Fri Apr 05, 2013 10:31 am

Dated 25th March; occurring simultaneously as this thread.

With Pazuzu firmly in-hand, Enkiel trailed back into the schoolhouse. He had begun setting up the kitchen to suit a true purpose rather than useless storage, and willingly aided in the labor part of such a task. It was far from complete; an area near the ceiling had some water damage, and many parts of the structure had been compromised by mice and other critters making their own claim on the space. None the less, it was admirably cleaner than it had been before.

He set Pazuzu down with a firm warning about not causing trouble for the adults, and then returned to the task at hand. The herbs had been seeping for a time, and he could smell that it was ready. Pleased, he motioned for the two to settle; there was a single table ringed by school chairs left, though these were mis-matched and worn.

While his son sat, staring at the strangers, Enkiel looped a section of cloth over the top of the pot. He then carefully seeped the tea through this, pouring it into three bowls left by Rémy’s last visit. Two of these he picked up and carried towards the table, setting them down so the other coyotes might take advantage of the drinks. “لصحتك,” he said, and gave a slight dip of his narrow muzzle to indicate they could drink.

POSTED: Fri Apr 05, 2013 12:27 pm

I hope the PP of Willam and the pups is alright, let me know if you want it changed. / +290

At Enkiel’s suggestion, Helotes and Willam along with the offspring entered into the school house. It became immediately apparent that the form healer had had his touch here, especially in the kitchen, which they entered. Helotes recalled how tidy and organized the medical cottage had been when Enkiel had been in charge of it, it seemed he hadn’t changed much. Still, Helotes found himself wary of the jackal; his sudden appearance was strange especially in the face of the circumstances of his disappearance. Did he know of Ezekiel? They had left together. And suddenly there was a child. Helotes looked over at Enkiel’s son as the jackal warned him against misbehaving; the man was a stern father.

Helotes walked in behind Willam, a gentle hand on one of her arms, reminding her that he was there. In his other arm was Versace, eyes half-lidded and sleepy. Cartier he had returned to his mother. The Lykoi looked over at Enkiel’s offspring and gave him a friendly grin, hopefully to ease the tension, and took one of the old seats. The tea was already being made and Helotes could not help to inhale the scents deeply; it had been too long since he had had tea, one of his personal delights.

They remained relatively quiet until the tea was served to them, and Enkiel spoke an Arabic salute, Gracias. Helotes said in his own native tongue, before drinking deep of the warm liquid. It coated his insides like a blanket, and sent his toes tingling. But they were not here for pleasantries, Helotes was no fool and had seen the glint in Enkiel’s eye. This would be about Willam’s injuries, and the Primi Bellum looked at her then with soft ember eyes.

POSTED: Thu Apr 11, 2013 12:04 pm

Word Count → 725 :: Table © Sie :: It is fine, no worries

Willam had agreed mainly because she felt that she had to. She hadn't expected her appearance to cause such a stir. Because of that she had agreed to head inside so that all of the fussing over her could subside. She had accepted Cartier back from Helotes and expected to be handed Versace as well but such hadn't happened. Instead Helotes surprised her by heading in with her as well. She felt bad about dragging him away from everyone else and her free hand twitched down towards her leg. Cartier's squirming as he got comfortable forced her to bring her hand back up before she could tighten the cilice so that she could bring it up to hold him and make certain that she didn't drop him.

Willam had her eyes trained on the ground as she walked. Once in the schoolhouse she took a seat at the table, settling near Helotes. Willam hadn't seen her own reflection and so she had no perception of just how much damage she had caused to herself, not realizing that the abrasions she had created would most likely leave lasting marks. The only thing that she knew was that she had to pay with flesh for all that she had perceived that she had done wrong.

The large woman glanced up when the tea was brought over before quickly staring towards the floor again. ”Thank you.” She spoke the words quietly, much more subdued than she had ever shown herself to be ever before. She had no idea what the words were that the others had used but simply figured she was meant to drink. In order to do so she placed Cartier down on her lap so that she could wrap both hands around the bowl, not trusting herself enough to manage it with a single hand.

She took a long sip of the hot liquid then brought the bowl down to rest against the table again. A deep breath was taken before the coyote woman began to speak quietly. ”I had to. I messed up. I ruined everything. I tried and tried and I couldn't get them to stop crying. I've harmed them some way. I know I must have. And the other two, I lost them. They died, Dolce and Dior did. I had to. I killed two and harmed Versace and Cartier.” She refused to look up as she spoke though her voice trembled more and more the longer she continued to speak. She had never mentioned the stillbirths before but clearly she felt guilt over it. She blamed herself for their deaths even though they had never been alive once they had made it outside her body. And while she would never do anything to intentionally harm Versace and Cartier she still felt that she had simply because she had been unable to perceive what their cries had meant and what it was that they had needed.

Slowly she lifted her gaze in order to stare into Helotes's eyes. ”I failed. I told Vesper I would care for them and I couldn't. You should take them. They would do better with you.” She wasn't giving them up because she no longer wanted them but because she was worried for their health. She knew Helotes could care for them since he had his own and they had turned out perfectly fine.

Her hands trembled as she reached down towards her lap in order to lift Cartier and hold him out towards Helotes. She had to look away from what she was doing to hide the pain in her eyes and the utter heartbreak she felt at having to give up her children. But it wasn't about what she wanted, instead it was about what would be best for them. Or at least what she would imagine would be for the best.

”Sorry...” She apologized to Enkiel, as well as to Helotes, having not meant to cause a scene yet again. Plus there was the unintentional ignoring of Enkiel as she had spoken to Helotes. Still she didn't know Enkiel and wasn't certain what exactly to say to him. If she had known him to be a healer then she would have begged him to make certain that Versace and Cartier would be okay and wouldn't suffer any lasting damage from their time with her.

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Nihil Sine Deo

POSTED: Fri Apr 12, 2013 9:21 am

+3 :3

Enkiel sipped at his own tea, half-keeping an eye on Pazuzu, half observing the pair. It was obvious that they were close; there was a familiar behavior in the way they interacted. Notably, though, they touched each other—not as if they were merely being friendly either. No, those were lingering glances and hands of something more. The jackal made note of this but did not further comment. He would not be so surprised if he knew the truth, for Helotes was not that long ago known for his promiscuous behavior. This was not Enkiel’s place to judge, nor did he intend to. It did not matter to him what went on between others. If it had, he never would have stayed with Ezekiel once Sirius arrived.

A wave of words rushed out from the large woman, all guilt and responsibility. This was the way of their God, Enkiel knew. Ezekiel had tried to explain it to him, as had Kastra, but the latter had been less willing to discuss it and the former gave him strange, muddled answers. As far has he knew, this God was guilt and suffering in order to prove love. It was a flawed system of belief.

“Calm yourself, woman,” Enkiel said finally, and set down his bowl. “Let me look at your face, and if you really wish, I will look at your children—babies always cry,” the jackal added, and cast a glance to his own son. Pazuzu was observing silently, as if interested in the goings-on. He was more interested in the other puppies, and his eyes tracked their every movement. “Is this your first litter?” The small man asked. He rose and made his way towards the two, encouraging Helotes to aid him in a silent, single glance. As hard to read as his expressions were, Helotes had been a regular visitor to the medical building and certainly picked up on his subtle displays.

POSTED: Fri Apr 12, 2013 10:32 pm

The feels <3 / +391

Helotes eyes lingered on Willam for a moment; why would she injure herself in such a way? He knew her to be submissive and always putting others before herself, but would she truly resort to self-affliction as a sort of punishment? But that was exactly what was revealed, as Willam began to speak. Helotes’ ears pressed hard against his skull, his eyes filling with worry. Suddenly the tea that had so warmed his belly turned ice cold.

Helotes felt shame, shame for not coming to check on Willam and the puppies, to see if she needed help. He had given her food before, but that was the extent of his help in raising them so far. He had had no idea she had been struggling. But it had been her wishes for him to not be too involved, so that the pups sire, or sires as the case may be, would remain anonymous.

Helotes glanced up at Enkiel as Willam spoke, and saw the look on the former medics eyes. The man looked at both Willam and he, his crimson eyes full of knowledge. Helotes knew that Enkiel was a sharp man, both in mind as well in tongue. The jackal no doubt recognized that there was a relationship between Willam and he that was beyond friendship, but Helotes wondered if he recognized it fully. While Willam and Helotes shared a child, they had never shared a bed; the Lykoi male was still not sure how she had done it, taking his still warm seed and impregnating herself, but he had done nothing more than supplied it to her quickly, that had been the extent of his role in fathering Versace. Save for that, the closeness Willam and he shared was one of a friendship and spiritual nature only; they prayed together and enjoyed each others company, that was all.

Willam finished speaking and made to hand Cartier to him. Helotes did not move, instead looked to Enkiel who was quick to stand and ask for her to calm herself. The Primi Bellum let his breath out as the Sepsari looked at him; he knew that Enkiel was going to help now. Helotes then moved and took Cartier from Willam and gave her a soft smile, It’s alright. This statement was meant to mean many things; he hoped she knew that.

POSTED: Wed Apr 17, 2013 12:59 pm

Word Count → 656 :: Table © Sie :: Out of Character text

Willam was quick to seek penance for any sort of wrong that she may have committed. That was what this was all about. If only Versace and Cartier hadn't survived then she would have deserved death for not having been able to give Dolce and Dior life. That had been her ultimate sin and there was no way that she would ever be able to atone for that. Perhaps if Helotes agreed to take over the care of Versace and Cartier then she could perform the ultimate and final act of penance. Of course she had no idea how she would go about it. She wasn’t suicidal and so she had never plotted her own death beforehand. In fact she didn't even see it as that but simply as a price that she had to pay. Crucifixion was the only way that she knew of but she had no idea who she could get to aid her since no one else seemed likely to aid her in penance.

Willam felt a great connection to Helotes but she didn't imagine that he would give her aid in such a thing even if they shared in religion. Helotes would join her in communion but she doubted he would join in penance as well. Helotes was a great friend but she couldn't burden him with what was on her mind. He had already given her more than enough when he had given her what she needed ot give life to Versace. There was no way that she could ask him for more. But that was just Willam, she would give to others but had trouble accepting gifts and help from others.

So even though that Willam was now a mother she had never been intimate with anyone. The children were a virgin birth as strange as it seemed. While she might feel fondly towards Helotes she knew he would never feel the same, no one ever would after what she had done. She couldn't imagine anyone wanting in inherit a family. She knew that she had doomed herself but it wasn't like she had ever had any prospects in the first place. She had already realized, once she learned of the difference in Inferni, that she would never have a mate. She wasn't small enough and beautiful enough to obtain one on her own, such thoughts she had already expressed to Helotes.

”Yes, please. Tend to them first.” Willam was quick to speak up as Enkiel offered to take a look at Versace and Cartier. She would rather know that the pups were fine than to have anyone fuss over her. She deserved what she had done to herself and more. Because of that she didn't feel that she needed healing. She simply hadn't suffered enough yet to end up being healed. But the pups had done nothing wrong and so there was no need for them to suffer.

Willam gave a nod of her head to the jackal's question. ”Yes, my first and my last as I have no mate.” Of course that would be unless the leaders demand another litter but Willam knew Myrika and Vesper would never do that. Willam had already done what she would ot give back to Infenri. That was what the litter had been about, giving back to the clan for being allowed to have a home here.

Willam shook her head as Helotes spoke. The words were meant to comfort but Willam felt she didn't deserve comfort. ”It's not. It never will be. I failed. Vesper left me in charge of their care and I have failed her. I couldn't protect Dolce and Dior, how can I ever atone for that?” Willam had no idea that stillbirths were natural but blamed herself for losing half the litter. She didn't know how she had done it but just knew she had done something terribly wrong that she had to be punished for.

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Nihil Sine Deo

POSTED: Thu Apr 25, 2013 1:43 pm

His hands were small and well formed, made for the delicate work he performed. Advanced medicine required such a thing. He cradled the pup he took from her carefully, and then hoisted him as to better poke and prod. While the sandy colored thing squirmed and wiggled, there was no crying as if wounded. Enkiel shifted the small form and, using his fingers, opened the pup’s mouth and inspected the color. He made a side-to-side motion with one finger and watched the eyes of the child follow the motion. Satisfied, he lowered the puppy to the ground and spoke in short, clipped Arabic. Pazuzu nodded and squirmed towards the younger child, sniffing curiously.

He did the same for the second child, and once satisfied, also lowered this one. The two puppies stayed close to each other, and it was Pazuzu who instigated the investigation, squirming with excitement. It had been a very long time since he had been around others his size.

Unsure of what the woman meant, Enkiel could only assume she had lost two of her offspring. Enkiel’s ears pricked up, larger than a coyote’s by far, and his triangular face turned towards her. “Your children are perfectly healthy. If you are truly concerned for them, I would suggest working with other mothers—that is the purpose of a clan.” His voice was like that of a lecturer, as if this was not the first time he had seen such a thing. “I must prepare something for your face,” he went on, and motioned towards the door. “I will be back shortly. Pazuzu,” he called, and his fluffy son trotted after him.

POSTED: Sun May 12, 2013 5:33 pm

OOC / +226

Helotes listened with the same feeling of guilt as Willam spoke, speaking about how she had failed Vesper and the children by not being able to care for them properly. Helotes looked at Versace dozing in his arms and couldn’t understand what she meant; the pup looked healthy, perhaps a little bit skinny but nothing to be concerned about. The only one who seemed worse for wear was Willam herself.

Enkiel than took Versace and looked her over, and then did the same to Cartier, and though stoic did not seemed alarmed in anyway. He placed the pups on the floor beside his own before declaring them healthy and excusing himself to prepare something for Willam’s face. Helotes watched him leave before turning to look at Willam.

Helotes grabbed her hands in his own, I’m sorry Willam, I have not been a good friend, please forgive me. I did not know you were struggling so much. His ears folded against his head and he looked at her apologetically, This should not be your burden alone, you can come to me or Vesper or anyone for anything! His voice nearly broke, as the emotion overflowed in him. He looked back down at the children to compose himself; the little girl and boy seemed pretty content and mewling as pups do; he wished Willam could be happy too.

POSTED: Wed May 15, 2013 2:27 pm

Word Count → 510:: Table © Sie :: Out of Character text

Willam easily handed over the pups for inspection. She wanted to make certain that the pups were going to be okay. As long as they were okay then that was all that really mattered. She didn't particularly care for her own health. She did the bare minimum that she absolutely had to and that was about it, especially now that she had pups to concern herself with. She wanted Versace and Cartier to turn out better than herself. She wanted them to be happy and healthy, not to mention smarter than herself. She wished her young to be all of the things that it wasn't possible for her to be.

There was a brief moment of relief as Enkiel declared that the pups had passed his inspection and were healthy but it didn't last. How could they be fine? No, she was certain that something was wrong even f she couldn't pinpoint what it was or what it even should be. She just couldn't believe that she hadn't done something to cause them harm too since she had lost Dolce and Dior. "I was told to care for them on my own." Or such was how she had interpreted Vesper's words. She had only been doing what she thought she had been told to do. "I am fine. I don't need anything." She tried to object but he had already left with his son in tow.

Willam cast a quick glance to the floor, where the pups were, in order to check on the children before her hands were being grabbed. She looked from their joined hands then up to Helotes's face. "There is nothing to forgive. You are the best friend that I could ever hope for. You have done more for me than others have." She made to gently squeeze his hands, trying to ease his concerns and comfort him. "It is my burden. I was told to do this on my own." Willam tried to remove one of her hands from Helotes's grasp so that she might reach up and touch his face. She aimed a quick lick at his muzzle. "It has been awhile since we have had communion together. The pups are never too young to start learning. I already read to them every day." She didn't know what else to say to cheer him up or to ease his worries. "You are welcome to be in their lives. They both would do well with your strength and guidance." She really didn't want him to choose one over the other. If he wanted to spend time with the pups and teach them then she hoped he would do so evenly and without bias. She was willing to ask it for the pups but couldn't do the same for herself. She wished him to be around as well since she felt fondly for him but she didn't dare to hope that he might ever see her as something more than just a friend. She didn't imagine that anyone would ever see her as a potential match.

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Nihil Sine Deo

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