Feedback on possible tertiary character - Printable Version +- 'Souls IPB Archive (November 2007–October 2012) (https://soulsrpg.com/ipb) +-- Forum: Dead OOC (https://soulsrpg.com/ipb/forumdisplay.php?fid=100) +--- Forum: Dead Questions & Help (https://soulsrpg.com/ipb/forumdisplay.php?fid=47) +--- Thread: Feedback on possible tertiary character (/showthread.php?tid=23040) |
- Xochime Kimaris - 12-05-2011 Hi! My sister (kirin) and I have been thinking about this new character, Numa Youali, who would be Akira's older brother. I've developed a lot of his history and personality with her already, but i wanted to know your opinions on it. I'm planning on bringing him about around december (holidays! XD) and it would be better if he was ready by then. http://www.soulsrpg.com/ipb/memberlist.php?mode=viewprofile&u=3348 So...is there anything i should correct? grammar mistakes? realism mistakes? - Eris Eternity - 12-05-2011 Quote:Light brown is his predominant color, which covers his tail, his tights, his waistsThighs, perhaps? Unless you mean to say "tights" like the thin, transparent girl-clothes that go over one's legs! C: Quote:His eyes shine under a bright violet shade, the trademark of his pack.Just a bit of awkward wording. This sentence is grammatically correct, but it's a little weird to say they shine "under" something unless it's a particular light -- e.g., character who appears to have gray eyes has light, pale blue eyes under direct sunlight. I think "His eyes shine a bright violet shade" works better. Quote:His complexion is heavy, strong, thanks to his extensive training during his youth days."heavy and strong" as well as "young days." Youth days is again just a bit of odd wording -- technically correct, but just sounds a little off. Young days works better, or just say "youth" and that works fine! Quote:He is very strong, agile and has a high stamia. However, his speed is lower, yet high enough to hunt by himself.Stamina -- you also don't need the "a" before it. Stamina is fine on its lonesome! ^^; "Lower" is also somewhat awkward to use -- lower than what, exactly? The sentence doesn't really tell you (although it's easy enough to infer "lower than average") so I would either go with "low" or "lower than average" rather than just "lower." I also think this is a GREAT sentence to throw a semi-colon into. In the first sentence, you state a fact, and then the next sentence adds a bit of a caveat. Maybe turn it into: Quote:He is very strong, agile and has high stamina; however, his speed is low, yet high enough to hunt by himself. Quote:Not very far away from the parting point, the patrol found themselves before a small group of loners, who wanted to claim that area as theirs'.You don't need the posessive apostrophe after theirs. Link for more info! Quote:The carnage remained among the pack's memory for several days, but, eventually, everybody left that day behind and moved one.Moved on - minor mistake, spellcheckers won't catch these since "one" is a real word. |: Silly spellcheck. Quote:provoqued the pack's wrath.Provoked. c: Quote:Even though loyalty was their most preciated value and that they were extremely close knit, Numa could not put back the atrocities committed by his packmates.Preciated = appreciated. Also, "put back" is technically correct, but an odd turn of phrase. Maybe "forget" or "move past" or something like that? Quote:allegating that the resources of the territory ...Alleging. :3 I think you were thinking of Allegation! There are a few other minor spelling errors and the like lower on in the profile, but nothing serious. <3 I'd run it through a spell checker and make sure you've caught them all. I don't see issues of realism or anything in his biography or personality, though, so you're great on that front! Hope it helps. <3 - Xochime Kimaris - 12-09-2011 It helped a lot! Thank you Sie XD - Eris Eternity - 12-09-2011 Anytime, broski! <333 - Akira Youali - 12-14-2011 *jumps in* Hey gig sis! I expect that my Akira is able to bother her brother soon enough :3 I think i also have to work in Akira's profile, I am sure i still have a lot of mistakes @.@ |