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+--- Thread: A little critique, mentors? (/showthread.php?tid=6963)
- Corren - 07-15-2009
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I don't want to post my character's profile until I have got everything nailed. And now I've got the history done, and I'm quite proud of it. But I'm still uncertain. I seem to have trouble grasping the concept of luperci and such. I usually prefer to stress a more detailed history, since it can give others a much better idea of the character they are dealing with, rather than a personality description. ^^
So, if someone, or several people, review my history for Corren and just drop off some notes? C: I'd like to know what I could do to help expand. *pokes lookup*
And obviously, the rest of the profile is not finished. ^^ Please set that aside when looking this over.
- Cwmfen nic Graine - 07-15-2009
Your history seems to be very thorough to me. I'm thinking, however, that the wound might have to be more serious than implied for there to be a realistic amount of the virus to infect the body (and someone correct me if I'm wrong). If the wolf was able to just get up and grumble and walk away, I'm not sure if there would be enough, to make him change into a luperci ^=^;, since a lot of fluids need to be exchanged.
Also, and this is probably just a personal curiosity, but what was the thick cloudy liquid that made his fur white?
- Corren - 07-15-2009
Okay, that's what was questioned to me earlier.
And to the liquid, something. Some product with bleach and a stablizing chemical that stains permanently. XD
- Arkham Lykoi - 07-15-2009
I still think the puddle seems a bit random since there's nothing really leading up to it or any reason why that substance would be there, especially if they're in a forested area.
- Corren - 07-15-2009
Mmkkaaayyyyy. . .
I'm gonna have to sullk this over for the day. Try to think or something a bit more reasonable. . . XD
- Cwmfen nic Graine - 07-15-2009
Yeah-- Bleach would also burn his fur too, just like it would real hair. It might even irritate his skin ^=^;;
- Jefferson Soul - 07-15-2009
I think there is actual such thing as going through some traumatic event that can actually change hair color. Granted, I'm not sure. It happened to Enishi from Rurouni Kenshin. -FANGIRL FAIL-
You could look into that, if all else fails. :3
- Corren - 07-15-2009
That honestly made me giggle. XD
It's like getting gray hair from stress. XD
Well, I don't think it will end up being bleach anywho. C:
- Kaena Lykoi - 07-16-2009
Maybe you could have the white patterns be a part of him becoming a werewolf instead of being bleached or chemically altered? In lots of lore, there's physical evidence of "werewolfism" even when the werewolves are in human form, like extra hair, eye color changes, etc.
This is assuming the SA says that sort of thing is alright here, though. I dunno, we have so many Luperci Ortus here that the Verto thing hasn't really been deeply explored--and it's plausible that a character could (sometimes but not always) experience some kind of appearance alteration following his/her first shift into werewolf form, hm? The RP guide doesn't say much on that subject.
So long as it didn't cause him/her to sprout nuclear green fur or some other weird color (which would probably be considered a "naturally vivid" color, and thus against the rules). But since your character's fur is simply going from white to black, that could be okay, but then again I don't know because there are unnatural patterns to it, too. xD
But yeah, if you wanted to use that idea, totally check with the SA first. XD
Oh, yeah. And obviously, I read your history. I like that you have it from his point of view; on the positive side of that you get a much better feel of the character's personality that way. On the negative side, there's not a whole lot to work on regarding the other characters in his history--but you did a really good job of avoiding that pitfall by having your character react to those important to him. :3 I agree that pretty much the only major flaw is the bleach thing; it does seem pretty random.
- Dawali Amara - 07-16-2009
I like your story, and I dunno whether it's been edited since the others said the puddle was random - but I like it the way it is now. Also you've taken time to put detail into it, covering most of the questions that would arise for your character - why he has the markings, why he can shift and why he is silent. The narrative is refreshing as well, instead of the usual third person approach
- Corren - 07-16-2009
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And yeah, I did edit it late last night, trying to cover a bit more and taking out a bit. I ended up deciding that it wouldn't be bleach, considering that it might've affected his wounds too severely to recover. Bleach on an open, bleeding wound. . . not good.
I think it's official now. I don't have too much that I plan on changing.
And I usually don't do first person. But I just felt like it at the time, especially considering how he told it. Since he actually did 'tell the story'. Not that it's being told. Once I have a profile table and post log, I'm going to post his profile. I'm trying to make one off of a template, and I'm trying not to screw it up. XD
Thanks for the input, guys. ^^
- Kaena Lykoi - 07-16-2009
[html]Ppst! I made a template character sheet today. It's over here.[/html]
- Corren - 07-16-2009
That's hawt. o:
Mind if I use that, and perhaps tweak it a bit? Giving you full credit, of course. XD
Just adding some images and such.
- Kaena Lykoi - 07-16-2009
Thanks, and totally! Go for it!
I should edit that and add that it's free to use, modify, etc. xD
- Corren - 07-16-2009
Okay! Thanks so much! *hands invisible cookie*