The Real Alice

Jefferson Soul · 05-21-2010, 04:01 PM

Quote:--Try to think of various ways to identify Rio when you talk about her. You usually just stick to "Rio did this" or "she did that," but that's so limiting! Using descriptive words instead of her name help present her as a character in a show-don't-tell fashion; for example, I use a LOT of terms in replacement of the name "Jefferson": cyclops, brute, Patriarch, hybrid, gimp, male, idiot (when necessary), beast... So for Rio, since she's not too established as a character yet, you can use things like... the yearling, Marino [girl], Tueris, bright-eyed girl, etc. Be creative and don't limit yourself to just her name and gender!

--In the very first sentence, you used "against" twice. It probably wasn't on purpose, but repeating words in such small proximity (even within a few sentences) throws off the rhythm. As a general rule for anything you write ever, school or not, if you read what you've written aloud you'll pick up on a LOT more, like repeating words.

--This is random, but a friendly tip for writing is to avoid using descriptive words ending with "ly", etc. I read about this in a fiction writing article last year and haven't forgotten it since. Basically, saying "she said happily" is less effective than saying "she squealed in excitement" or "she beamed" ... Again, just a random tip I like a lot. Use the most precise verbs you can to describe things and your writing will instantly be more dense and shiny! 8D

--"She wasn't sure how she would feel if her mama went away like this..." Well, Naniko did technically just get removed from PV, so she IS gone. That's a way for Rio to relate to the rabbit, but making it obvious that her situation is far different from the bunny's is important to do too. Going a little into Rio's soft, tender side--her inner feelings wondering where her mother went, etc.--is a good way to get to know and establish her character. :3 I always take advantage of those soft spots whenever they arise in my writing; it definitely helped me develop Jeffers as a character, considering he is so gruff and cold about everything in his past. I had to really explore his feelings and mindset to figure out exactly why and how to capture that.

--Ah, you misused a semicolon! They are so annoying to learn. "...as she felt safe in Phoenix Valley and always had; but she did worry for her new friend." Use a comma there, not a semicolon. The Oatmeal has a pretty funny tutorial on the semicolon if you want to look at it. XD The rule I always hear about them is that if you don't know how to use them, avoid them like the plague. They're so stupid to use, but if you can get the hang of it, they are incredibly useful.

--Another thing to keep in mind is to never start a sentence with the word "but." There are obvious exceptions, but you should always look back at your sentence and see if the word is even necessary (a lot of the time, "but" can be left out at the start of a sentence completely). So for example, "But she new nothing about his character" as a complete sentence is grammatically incorrect. I think you shouldn't ever use "but" at the start of a sentence unless you want to risk grammar and go for effect... such as asking questions ("But how had this happened?" "But why?") ...So in summary, just look back over the sentence if you decide to start it that way.

--I like that you went more in depth with how she's feeling about the possibility of the rabbit dying, and how she makes the excuse that her mother was a healer, etc. That's really great characterization, and extremely appropriate for a younger character. Keep it up!

[html]

How long had she laid there, cradling the tiny thing? Jefferson could only wonder; what he assumed to be the mother rabbit, sprawled inches away, lay in a cloud of hungry, minuscule vermin. It was hard to judge, but the rabbit could have been there for days. The picture was sickening, and with a scarred grimace the cyclops approached it, leaving the Marino girl's words hanging in the empty, moist air. His bad leg lowering to the dirt, Jefferson pushed the soft dirt between his scarred toes, eventually bringing the soil to cover the dead rabbit completely. That done, he squared his shoulders and stepped back, bad leg hanging in the air as it stung from use, and the sadness within the depths of his green eye fell upon the mound that had once been such a terrible sight.

Turning his one-eyed gaze to her again, the Patriarch finally continued. "It's too young," he grunted, a softness in his gravelly tone. "It needs its mother—and you're still a baby yourself." No harm, no darkness lingered in his words; what he said was the truth. Rio was still just a child, naturally learning all the things the world had to offer at her own, gingerly pace—Jefferson had been forced to learn the walk as an adult without memories, without guardians or leaders to steer him in the right direction. He had been—and still was—a killer, a rapist and a sinner, unable to learn the ways of the world at a pace he desired. From the start, Jefferson stumbled from one struggle with death to another, and with the still emptiness of his memories, had been shaped into a beast rough around the edges.

He lifted his head, sorrow in his eye. "Some things are beyond us, Rio," the cyclops said. "Some things we just can't control."

Login




Remember me Lost Password?