12-07-2007, 01:08 AM
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The past was his weakness because without it he was nothing, but with it, he was even less than nothing. The future had never been a tangible thing for him and he had never been able to picture it as anything more than a vague idea just beyond his grasp. He didn't think about it or plan for it. There was only a past and a present and both were miserable. It was why he had always wished so desperately for change, for something to destroy what had already been set in stone -- there was nothing to change in the future until it became the past. He didn't know how to make better what hadn't happened yet and it was why he couldn't look forward. What lay behind him was easy to fix with words, with senseless wishes and dreams, but there was nothing he could do. Maybe that's why he chose to dwell on it. He was afraid to act.
Maybe Ire would have died regardless, but it didn't have to be in such a horrific manner and it didn't have to be by his teeth and claws. It didn't have to be him. He had always been selfish like that. The hybrid could not remember if he had already apologized. He probably already had. But the mad hysterics had hardly been appropriate from the last time they had spoken to one another and the words and screaming had already started to fade in his head. His insides had been twisting ever since the woman had entered the cavern, but the longer she spoke the worst they knotted up. He couldn't stand to be there because she could tolerate him, because she was everything he could never be and because maybe he knew that she could and did make Tsunami more happy than he ever could have been otherwise. He had no place sitting next to her.
What could he change? He still couldn't even look her in the eye.
The wound on his jugular stretched when he inhaled and he felt his breath catch in his chest.
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The past was his weakness because without it he was nothing, but with it, he was even less than nothing. The future had never been a tangible thing for him and he had never been able to picture it as anything more than a vague idea just beyond his grasp. He didn't think about it or plan for it. There was only a past and a present and both were miserable. It was why he had always wished so desperately for change, for something to destroy what had already been set in stone -- there was nothing to change in the future until it became the past. He didn't know how to make better what hadn't happened yet and it was why he couldn't look forward. What lay behind him was easy to fix with words, with senseless wishes and dreams, but there was nothing he could do. Maybe that's why he chose to dwell on it. He was afraid to act.
Maybe Ire would have died regardless, but it didn't have to be in such a horrific manner and it didn't have to be by his teeth and claws. It didn't have to be him. He had always been selfish like that. The hybrid could not remember if he had already apologized. He probably already had. But the mad hysterics had hardly been appropriate from the last time they had spoken to one another and the words and screaming had already started to fade in his head. His insides had been twisting ever since the woman had entered the cavern, but the longer she spoke the worst they knotted up. He couldn't stand to be there because she could tolerate him, because she was everything he could never be and because maybe he knew that she could and did make Tsunami more happy than he ever could have been otherwise. He had no place sitting next to her.
What could he change? He still couldn't even look her in the eye.
The wound on his jugular stretched when he inhaled and he felt his breath catch in his chest.
You're an amazingly good person, Phasma,he whispered painfully, trying desperately to swallow the lump in his throat. Laruku turned his head reluctantly and sullen blood-red eyes found their way to her face, sleepless and defeated.
I...He closed his eyes and looked away again. He was still too weak for this and the knots in his stomach would not come undone.
I'm sorry.He still wanted to change everything.