04-16-2009, 12:55 AM
Nic read! I like it; I hope this helps~
“...voice broke and became nothing more then a gurgle of terror.”
Instead of “then” this should be “than”. “Than” is used in comparatives (bigger than that), while “then” is for consecutive events (this happened, then that).
“I shut my eyes as tight as I could get them, a headache was pounding in behind my lids threatening to burst my head open, and the contents of my stomach were already all over the back of the driver’s seat.”
Stylistically, to create suspense, use shorter syntax. The brevity of sentences creates suddenness. This can be made into three sentences. Otherwise, the moment is drawn out in a slow way, not in a nightmarish way.
“The SUV groaned and shuddered from being on it’s roof and not all four wheels.”
This should be “its”. “Its” is possessive, and “it’s” is a contraction (it is).
“I hung suspended from my seat, the belt was the only thing holding me in place.”
These two clauses are independent, so this is a run-on sentence. You could place an “and” after the comma or you could separate them by replacing the comma with a period. A dash could work, but I don’t think it’s a good idea in this place....
“I didn’t want to be here, I didn’t want this to be happening to me.”
This is a run-on again. I think that the best thing to do here is to separate the two ideas with a period. It will place a caesura, but a brief one. And the anaphora of “I didn’t want” will become more effective.
“‘Mom, Dad someone is coming to help us just hold on a little longer, we’ll make it through this!’”
If you wrote it as, “Mom! Dad! Someone is coming to help us—just hold on a little longer! We’ll make it through this!” I feel that the force of the person’s courage would become apparent. The exclamation points help with this, and the dash as well.
“Mom and dad would be fine, we would be taken out of this wreck and to the hospital where dad would kiss my mother on the forehead and tell her she was his light in the darkness.”
The first comma after “fine” could be a period. Then with “dad would kiss my mother”, to have parallel structure, it should be either, “my dad would kiss my mom,” or, “dad would kiss my mom,” or, “father would kiss mother,” or, “my father would kiss my mother.”
“Moving my hand to where the seatbelt release was I unbuckled the thing and was ready for gravity to take me down.”
This sentence doesn’t flow very well.... Maybe: “Moving my hand to the seatbelt release, I unbuckled it, ready for gravity to take me down.”
“I wasn’t ready to find I had a broken leg and multiple wounds I hadn’t noticed before.”
You should always say “I wasn’t ready to find that I had...” when you mean “that”—don’t leave it out. There can be another “that”: “...multiple wounds that I...”.
“...something inside me said it was the best thing to do at the moment and I was following my instinct.”
“...something inside me said that it was the best thing to do at the moment...” And then I almost want the sentence to continue as, “at the moment—that I was following my instincts.” But this is a stylistic thing and up to you (practically all of this is, of couse, ^=^)
“I landed on the crushed interior of the cars roof, glass was all over it cutting up my hands and legs as I lay there.”
Should be “car’s” (typo? heh). And the comma should be a period. Otherwise it’s a run-on.
“My parents hadn’t responded to me yet and it made me worry, had they been knocked unconscious?”
There should be a comma before the first “and” because the two clauses are independent; if the second were subordinate (not a complete sentence) then a comma would not be needed. And then the comma that I bolded should be a period (run-on again).
“No response came to me only the sounds of the hissing car and dull voices in the background.”
This is also a run-on. Maybe: “No response came to me. [I heard] only the sounds of the hissing car and of the dull voices in the background.”
“That calmness that had settled over me was falling away rapidly when my parents continued not to answer, and I still couldn’t find it in me to open my eyes.”
This and should be a “but” because it’s introducing a contrary thought (“I want to do this, but I can’t,” not “I want to do this, and I can’t.”)
“The surroundings were silent except for the hiss of the SUV I was sitting in.”
Never end an independent clause or a sentence with a preposition (“in” is a preposition). Instead, a grammatically correct way in which to write this is: “The surroundings were silent except for the hiss of the SUV in which I was sitting.”
“The voices of people had stopped becoming audible.”
This sentence is a little awkward because the “becoming” implies that they were not. Instead you could say: “The voices of the people ceased to exist,” or “The voices of the people ceased to be audible.”
What I had seen couldn’t have been real, that had only been an imagination.
This is a run-on again. But instead of a period, I think that a dash would be effective.
“All of this was just an accident, and accidents could be made up for.”
“For” is a preposition again. But I’m not sure why the “for” is there; I feel that it could be omitted.
“I kept swallowing so not to loose my stomach contents again.”
Another awkward one. I think that it could be, “so as to not.”
“If I didn’t open my eyes I wouldn’t know if what I saw was real or just an over imagination and I couldn‘t help my parents if they needed me.”
I think that tense might be a problem, but I’m not sure. It might be: “If I didn’t open my eyes, I wouldn’t know whether what I saw were real or whether this were just an over imagination. And I wouldn’t be able to help my parents if they needed me.” The “were” is subjunctive case.
“A sob emitted from my lips, as fear coiled in the pit of my empty stomach.”
Between “sob” and “emitted” there could be a “was” to make it more present. The comma after “lips” isn’t needed because otherwise it’s an incomplete sentence.
“...voice broke and became nothing more then a gurgle of terror.”
Instead of “then” this should be “than”. “Than” is used in comparatives (bigger than that), while “then” is for consecutive events (this happened, then that).
“I shut my eyes as tight as I could get them, a headache was pounding in behind my lids threatening to burst my head open, and the contents of my stomach were already all over the back of the driver’s seat.”
Stylistically, to create suspense, use shorter syntax. The brevity of sentences creates suddenness. This can be made into three sentences. Otherwise, the moment is drawn out in a slow way, not in a nightmarish way.
“The SUV groaned and shuddered from being on it’s roof and not all four wheels.”
This should be “its”. “Its” is possessive, and “it’s” is a contraction (it is).
“I hung suspended from my seat, the belt was the only thing holding me in place.”
These two clauses are independent, so this is a run-on sentence. You could place an “and” after the comma or you could separate them by replacing the comma with a period. A dash could work, but I don’t think it’s a good idea in this place....
“I didn’t want to be here, I didn’t want this to be happening to me.”
This is a run-on again. I think that the best thing to do here is to separate the two ideas with a period. It will place a caesura, but a brief one. And the anaphora of “I didn’t want” will become more effective.
“‘Mom, Dad someone is coming to help us just hold on a little longer, we’ll make it through this!’”
If you wrote it as, “Mom! Dad! Someone is coming to help us—just hold on a little longer! We’ll make it through this!” I feel that the force of the person’s courage would become apparent. The exclamation points help with this, and the dash as well.
“Mom and dad would be fine, we would be taken out of this wreck and to the hospital where dad would kiss my mother on the forehead and tell her she was his light in the darkness.”
The first comma after “fine” could be a period. Then with “dad would kiss my mother”, to have parallel structure, it should be either, “my dad would kiss my mom,” or, “dad would kiss my mom,” or, “father would kiss mother,” or, “my father would kiss my mother.”
“Moving my hand to where the seatbelt release was I unbuckled the thing and was ready for gravity to take me down.”
This sentence doesn’t flow very well.... Maybe: “Moving my hand to the seatbelt release, I unbuckled it, ready for gravity to take me down.”
“I wasn’t ready to find I had a broken leg and multiple wounds I hadn’t noticed before.”
You should always say “I wasn’t ready to find that I had...” when you mean “that”—don’t leave it out. There can be another “that”: “...multiple wounds that I...”.
“...something inside me said it was the best thing to do at the moment and I was following my instinct.”
“...something inside me said that it was the best thing to do at the moment...” And then I almost want the sentence to continue as, “at the moment—that I was following my instincts.” But this is a stylistic thing and up to you (practically all of this is, of couse, ^=^)
“I landed on the crushed interior of the cars roof, glass was all over it cutting up my hands and legs as I lay there.”
Should be “car’s” (typo? heh). And the comma should be a period. Otherwise it’s a run-on.
“My parents hadn’t responded to me yet and it made me worry, had they been knocked unconscious?”
There should be a comma before the first “and” because the two clauses are independent; if the second were subordinate (not a complete sentence) then a comma would not be needed. And then the comma that I bolded should be a period (run-on again).
“No response came to me only the sounds of the hissing car and dull voices in the background.”
This is also a run-on. Maybe: “No response came to me. [I heard] only the sounds of the hissing car and of the dull voices in the background.”
“That calmness that had settled over me was falling away rapidly when my parents continued not to answer, and I still couldn’t find it in me to open my eyes.”
This and should be a “but” because it’s introducing a contrary thought (“I want to do this, but I can’t,” not “I want to do this, and I can’t.”)
“The surroundings were silent except for the hiss of the SUV I was sitting in.”
Never end an independent clause or a sentence with a preposition (“in” is a preposition). Instead, a grammatically correct way in which to write this is: “The surroundings were silent except for the hiss of the SUV in which I was sitting.”
“The voices of people had stopped becoming audible.”
This sentence is a little awkward because the “becoming” implies that they were not. Instead you could say: “The voices of the people ceased to exist,” or “The voices of the people ceased to be audible.”
What I had seen couldn’t have been real, that had only been an imagination.
This is a run-on again. But instead of a period, I think that a dash would be effective.
“All of this was just an accident, and accidents could be made up for.”
“For” is a preposition again. But I’m not sure why the “for” is there; I feel that it could be omitted.
“I kept swallowing so not to loose my stomach contents again.”
Another awkward one. I think that it could be, “so as to not.”
“If I didn’t open my eyes I wouldn’t know if what I saw was real or just an over imagination and I couldn‘t help my parents if they needed me.”
I think that tense might be a problem, but I’m not sure. It might be: “If I didn’t open my eyes, I wouldn’t know whether what I saw were real or whether this were just an over imagination. And I wouldn’t be able to help my parents if they needed me.” The “were” is subjunctive case.
“A sob emitted from my lips, as fear coiled in the pit of my empty stomach.”
Between “sob” and “emitted” there could be a “was” to make it more present. The comma after “lips” isn’t needed because otherwise it’s an incomplete sentence.