Seek and Destroy
#2
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Mentor stuff is below the post! Thanks for starting. ^^


He had lurked some time around Inferni, hoping his sisters would magically appear as they had last time — how had that happened, anyway, to have all three show up at once? — but, of course, his luck was not running quite as rampant. Just as his last visit, the smell of blood and death hung in the Inferni air, thick like smog, like smoke that closed his lungs and choked his throat. How, how could his sisters live there? Were they so blind to the horrors he believed to live there, to the horror that was his father alone?


Micah could not discuss such things with them, not yet. They were still too immature, too blinded through methods Juniper had taught them. They would never see Razekiel for the criminal he was. No, not until Micah did something. They would praise him after. Surely, they would adore him for being so smart when they were not, for being the fist of justice to destroy the murderer when they were too weak-willed and ignorant to. As he strode along, weaving through the trees, the salt-and-pepper boy smiled humbly to himself, relishing the thought of being united with his sisters once more — without their terrible father hanging somewhere over them.


The speckled boy brushed long, black curls from his face; his hair was terribly long, drastically needing a cut, and yet still its long twirls and twists down the length of his back. Perhaps it was a remnant of Juniper Peace that lived within him, as the hippies had always worn their hair long and messy. The yearling began collecting his curls into a low ponytail, humming to himself as he went, pleased with his future plans of reuniting he with his siblings. However, he froze when he realized a horse towered over him — and atop it, a male wearing ... tin cans all over his body. Micah stared, gaping like a deer in headlights, his arms still bent backwards with his frozen fingers tangled in ribbon and curls alike. The horse, gigantic. The stranger in silver, terrifying.


"Oh God!" he shrieked, then turned tail and sprinted the way he came, tripping clumsily over roots and his own feet in his mortified escape attempt. "Oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God," he panted, chocolate eyes wide as the moon, his cans of spray paint clanking noisily as the bag on his hip flapped and flailed.


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All right -- so you wanted to focus on how to describe Saluce's actions more effectively, as well as "not getting stuck" when you reply to posts. Let me just say that is a pretty great post, and there aren't too many things I can comment on just yet! Tongue

First of all, if you're not already familiar with it, get to know and love Thesaurus.com. The best way of making an action more clear and exciting is to, well, use more exciting verbs! Being creative but effective with word choice is a skill that is very hard to learn; it takes some practice and a lot of thesaurus work, but it's definitely doable. For example, you say Saluce "put the spurs" on the horse. Picture in your mind Saluce on the horse -- depending on how he feels about the horse, you could say this a thousand ways, as simple as "touched his spurs to the horse," "poked," "pointed" to "stabbed" (negative connotation).

"Saluce sat there" is another example of a time when you could have played in the thesaurus, but you also could have just reworded the sentence to switch up the impact. For example, "His mission was to find Eclipse, wherever she maybe (may be) might have been (watch your tenses and spelling!), and return her to Dahlia and with her mother. Secondary to that, he considered from atop the unmoving horse, was to find Conor..."

So, the summarized version of all that: As far as wording actions to make them more effective goes, start out by 1) putting your verbs into the thesaurus and seeing what you get, experimenting with newer verbs and terms; 2) reword the sentence, sometimes using a different verb altogether (see: "sat" to "considered"); 3) not mentioned, but read other posts! See how other members word their sentences. This is a big reason why writers are told to read so much -- we learn through each other and seeing what works and where. See how those work out for you in your next post, and I'll give you some more ideas if you're still having a hard time! ^^

What I want you to do when you reply to this is think about what exactly is giving you difficulty with replying. Do you feel there is not enough subject matter to respond to? Is there not enough dialogue? Do you dislike the character or how they react? Or are you maybe just unsure what Saluce would do? Write it down in your OOC area and try to really specify in your mind what's holding you up. ^^

One last thing:
"where" = "where is it?" "where is the place?"
"were" = "they were there" "we were going outside"
Tongue


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