05-21-2011, 04:06 PM
The length of this post is pretty good -- well done! It's still a little on the short side compared to many other posts, but that's okay for now. We'd like it if you tried to write a little longer each time you replied here, at least, to see how you do.
Remember, we're here to help you improve your writing, so please slow down and read our notes carefully, okay?
One of the things we're still noticing with your posts is that you're not slowing down and reading what you're typing. There are a lot of very obvious spelling and grammar issues you might catch yourself if you either slow down or at least read the post over when you finish it to check for such errors. ^^; One way of proofreading that really works -- both for posts and for school essays, etc., too -- is to read what you've written out loud and really listen to how it sounds. If something doesn't sound right (or if you find a spelling mistake or typo), you will notice it for sure.
Take the first line, for example: There's at least two errors that would be easily caught if just glancing over, and an additional spelling error:
Even though you're not using posting tables, you can still take advantage of italicized text and the like. Instead of writing words in all capital letters, try italicizing it. If you don't know how, you would surround it with tags like this: [*i]hands[/i*] (without the asterisks, of course). On the same note, italicized text works a lot better for when Roran is thinking, instead of surrounding the text with tildes (~).
We'll admit, properly writing dialogue is tricky, both grammar-wise and writing the words so they are realistic to the character. Outside of watching a movie, can you picture a person walking around outside saying, "Oh, how sensational it is to be...", etc.? It's very unrealistic and awkward dialogue to be saying in real life. If Roran's personality was designed to be over-the-top and dramatic, then it would be completely appropriate, but to our knowledge he's not. He would probably say something like, "This feels great," or "Finally, I can walk on two legs."
Grammar for dialogue is also tricky. In this case, the dialogue would not end, as it is standing on its own, which is why you add on the "he says" bit. A couple problems with that, though: First, the "he" would not be capitalized, as it is a continuation of the sentence containing the dialogue and thus not starting a new sentence; and it would be "he said", as we are not writing in present tense. Here's how we'd rewrite it:
Be careful with repetition as well. You comment on Roran laughing as he speaks three times and smiles to himself twice. That's all fine and good, but if nothing else, at least alter the wording or have him express his joy in another way, like having a skip in his step.
There's more we could talk about here, but we'll go over the rest in future posts. For now, read through our notes here a second time before you reply -- and try to take ten or fifteen minutes to write slowly and get a post of your best quality and length. Be sure you read through our IC post carefully and maybe try some of the wording we do or use it for examples. Let's see how you do!
IC:
Enlil had followed the river for some time, golden eyes ever-present on the water's flow as he moved against it. Two-legged and hungry, the boy frowned and slapped a hand over his stomach at the unpleasant gurgling and grumbling erupting within. He had never been much of a hunter, nor was he particularly fond of slaughtering innocent prey on his own behalf, but grass and water would simply not satiate his vicious hunger.
In one fist he grasped the fishing pole his father had once taught him to craft many moons in the past; within the other he held a pike, muscles poised to strike at the ebbing river at first opportunity. Withing the babbling brook he spied no activity, no signs of life beneath the surface; still Enlil's stomach growled on, anxious for a fish to drift by or a school to made itself known, but to no avail. Over the water's bubbling his ears picked up faint laughter, auds twitching at the sound, and upon raising his golden eyes from the brook for the first time in minutes, he found a white male heading in his direction, pleasantly mumbling to himself and grinning ear to ear.
Inevitably this caught Enlil curious, and with a smile much less excited than the stranger's, the august-hued boy raised his pole-wielding hand and waved gently. "Hello," he said, spirit in his voice at the sight of such a happy individual. "My name's Enlil, Enlil Kaveh. If you don't mind me asking, why are you so happy?"
Remember, we're here to help you improve your writing, so please slow down and read our notes carefully, okay?
One of the things we're still noticing with your posts is that you're not slowing down and reading what you're typing. There are a lot of very obvious spelling and grammar issues you might catch yourself if you either slow down or at least read the post over when you finish it to check for such errors. ^^; One way of proofreading that really works -- both for posts and for school essays, etc., too -- is to read what you've written out loud and really listen to how it sounds. If something doesn't sound right (or if you find a spelling mistake or typo), you will notice it for sure.
Take the first line, for example: There's at least two errors that would be easily caught if just glancing over, and an additional spelling error:
- transfusian = transfusion
- wiched = wished(?)
- "what i meant" = what it meant
Even though you're not using posting tables, you can still take advantage of italicized text and the like. Instead of writing words in all capital letters, try italicizing it. If you don't know how, you would surround it with tags like this: [*i]hands[/i*] (without the asterisks, of course). On the same note, italicized text works a lot better for when Roran is thinking, instead of surrounding the text with tildes (~).
We'll admit, properly writing dialogue is tricky, both grammar-wise and writing the words so they are realistic to the character. Outside of watching a movie, can you picture a person walking around outside saying, "Oh, how sensational it is to be...", etc.? It's very unrealistic and awkward dialogue to be saying in real life. If Roran's personality was designed to be over-the-top and dramatic, then it would be completely appropriate, but to our knowledge he's not. He would probably say something like, "This feels great," or "Finally, I can walk on two legs."
Grammar for dialogue is also tricky. In this case, the dialogue would not end, as it is standing on its own, which is why you add on the "he says" bit. A couple problems with that, though: First, the "he" would not be capitalized, as it is a continuation of the sentence containing the dialogue and thus not starting a new sentence; and it would be "he said", as we are not writing in present tense. Here's how we'd rewrite it:
Quote:"Finally, I can walk on two legs," he said to himself with a small laugh.We also consolidated the sentence a little bit. Oftentimes less words means a more precise sentence! All this also counts with thought dialogue as well ("When have I ever crawled through small spaces, he thought to himself with another laugh.")
Be careful with repetition as well. You comment on Roran laughing as he speaks three times and smiles to himself twice. That's all fine and good, but if nothing else, at least alter the wording or have him express his joy in another way, like having a skip in his step.
There's more we could talk about here, but we'll go over the rest in future posts. For now, read through our notes here a second time before you reply -- and try to take ten or fifteen minutes to write slowly and get a post of your best quality and length. Be sure you read through our IC post carefully and maybe try some of the wording we do or use it for examples. Let's see how you do!
- Other spelling/grammar errors:
- tree's = trees (the apostrophe with an "s" only goes in context of possession or "tree is"; when we're talking about a plural noun or multiple objects, only add an "s" or the other appropriate plural spelling for the term.)
- over-looking = overlooking: In most cases, anything with "over" doesn't have a hyphen. You can always check the dictionary!
- sleak = sleek
- mamoth = mammoth
- i = I / though = thought (you can catch these little errors yourself if you just read over the post when you're done!)
IC:
Enlil had followed the river for some time, golden eyes ever-present on the water's flow as he moved against it. Two-legged and hungry, the boy frowned and slapped a hand over his stomach at the unpleasant gurgling and grumbling erupting within. He had never been much of a hunter, nor was he particularly fond of slaughtering innocent prey on his own behalf, but grass and water would simply not satiate his vicious hunger.
In one fist he grasped the fishing pole his father had once taught him to craft many moons in the past; within the other he held a pike, muscles poised to strike at the ebbing river at first opportunity. Withing the babbling brook he spied no activity, no signs of life beneath the surface; still Enlil's stomach growled on, anxious for a fish to drift by or a school to made itself known, but to no avail. Over the water's bubbling his ears picked up faint laughter, auds twitching at the sound, and upon raising his golden eyes from the brook for the first time in minutes, he found a white male heading in his direction, pleasantly mumbling to himself and grinning ear to ear.
Inevitably this caught Enlil curious, and with a smile much less excited than the stranger's, the august-hued boy raised his pole-wielding hand and waved gently. "Hello," he said, spirit in his voice at the sight of such a happy individual. "My name's Enlil, Enlil Kaveh. If you don't mind me asking, why are you so happy?"