Bitterness was not an emotion often felt by this docile woman, but it was slowly becoming part of her ever expanding compendium of sensations. Where love had been absent, lost through generations of marking the emotion as needless and destructive, she had learned to embrace it whole heartedly with the often conflicting yet rewarding implications that came with it. One would assume that the same would need be said for the bubbling disease that works its way into the dulled gold of the Nomad’s eyes brought on by the Jiryu’s innocent words of concern. If the woman needn’t take this weight upon her shoulders then who would? She had wasted her time lolling about in ignorant worth believing herself to be something special, a part of the circle of precious life when it had all been a sham and essential time was left wasted.
She was more bitter at herself than Nayru’s concern. How she had allowed herself to lose perspective was shameful. Had her Shepard been here to witness her now, he no doubt would have turned his head in disapproval for how she conducted herself when she was thought to be pregnant. Lazy… dependent on the strength of her mate rather than what she could managed for herself. And look where her selfishness had gotten him... Her meager efforts now were nothing in comparison to the work her beloved had toiled through.
Yet she was bound to sit on the ground rather than pursue to accomplish even an iota of his struggle for herself. Despite her own wants, she could not go against the kind offer of reprieve that her body so desperately needed. True, there was hardly anything else for her to do today then clean out the dens, but her mind would damn her if she remained still for too long. She was compelled to keep going, to stay within the shadow of the inner workings of the pack to ensure its function. She did not want to sit in the dens and be still, she wanted the fulfillment of being busy. More than her conscious mind would care to admit, she wanted the distraction from the life that transpired within her home. She wanted to be distant from him… she was reluctant to face it.
For within that home were the wants she had hoped for played out unknowingly by the very girl that sat beside her. Thoughts of merriment for living bundles of her own had been replaced with an unbecoming resentment of the likes she never thought was capable. Time and again with ever errand, ever chore that involved their interaction, she wanted to be set further and further away, alone so that she would not have to face what she was denied. The disappointment of her failure had never truly left, but was made to fester in the dark recess of her mind, carefully veiled through tireless work though the curtains that garbed her private reservation were slowly splitting at the seams.
She did not want to remained sitting even against the protests of her aching muscles. She wanted to be off again… doing something, less her unrefined emotional control gave way again and she displayed something most unbecoming of her character. But for the sake of humoring her lead and friend, she kept still, clinging to the still warm meat. “There is nothing other taxing me than work,” her voice flowed faintly from between trembling lips. “Whatever life Saluce and I believed I carried does not exist. Nor did it ever, it seems.”