ooc:
Torture. She had become exceedingly efficient at bringing such pain upon herself. Never physical, but a mental anguish invoked when thinking of what could have been…what should have been. What, by some remote possibility, was still within her grasp to take. But with the pain these scenarios caused, there was a pleasure she felt was worth the bitterness. So minute and fleeting these sensations, but when felt the smile upon her face was genuine and her heart would soar to a height becoming higher each time. If she could have that moment, feel that unbridled happiness, then she could endure the torture… so long as that sliver of a reward remained.
But it was tiresome. Pathetic perhaps one would say and yet she felt not regret for her actions. Her feelings. Made to act as though they did not exist, here when there were only herself and the starlit sky, she could free herself from the care of her appearance and embrace how she felt without shame. Alone. Unwanted. Deceived. Betrayed. Defective. Forgotten. Still she could not weep for the pain brought on by these words regardless of how soundly they rang in her ears. The barriers erected by seasons of training remained standing fast around her, cracking, but not yet breaking. Yet, she could acknowledge these feelings, the sliver of happiness being that she had not become completely void and could still be affected internally. And she drew strength from it, used it to quiet the sound beating in her chest and return to a fragile state of calm.
Her ears pulled back to the sound of approach but the scent that coupled the quiet steps kept her comfortably as she was. X’yrin sighed softly, releasing the breath she hadn’t realized she had held and turned to look at her companion fondly. The warmth received by his close form was soothing and she leaned against him without hesitation. Beneath her overgrowth of auburn bangs she stared absently to the smooth stones underpaw, watching but not truly seeing as they rolled and shifted under the gentle pressure of her paw. “You cannot sleep?” came the whisper of a mentally exhausted soul, audible but just barely.
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