The Real Alice

Rio Marino · 05-17-2010, 08:47 AM

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Raven Beacon. I am READY to be mentored. ♥ 300+

The wind rushed through the grass, whispers of rain frantic and constant with each telling gale. Rio didn't seem to hear, for she was out in open space, quite a distance from the shelter of the cabin she and her siblings shared. She did not understand why rain drove everyone to hide; she loved the cool feeling of water on her skin. It had never bothered her, nor had it hindered her from exploring Phoenix Valley.

For now her fur was dry, and the little wolf climbed the slight slope of the land toward the lighthouse. This place was very peaceful despite the domineering wind. She liked the serenity of the tall grass, the freeing sense of being so high above the sea. She had never been here before, hadn't even been aware of its existence. There was little discussion in her world; everything was always so very quiet. It left time for deep thought. Rio simply wished there was someone to talk with, someone to share her thoughts with.

She kept away from the path, taking instead to the grass and listening to it swish against her body. Rio was nearing the looming structure of the lighthouse and small, distinctly more squat building beneath. She quickened her pace, tail waving like a dark flag above her back. She paid little attention to her footsteps, and so when one pale foot landed upon something soft and cold, she started slightly. The girl's eyes flickered from the beautiful sight of the lighthouse to the earth at her paws, where something far uglier lie. It was a rabbit, its brown eyes dead and empty, maggots clinging to open flesh at its belly. Rio felt suddenly sick, though she didn't know why. She'd sated her hunger with rabbit many times before; why did this dead creature hurt to see? The answer waited for her, huddled among the dirt and weeds at the roots of a clump of grass. It was a smaller bundle of white fur, the dead rabbit's offspring. Beady eyes were strangely warm, wide with fear of the skinny sable wolf. Rio's tears vanished, her heart warmed by the innocence of the infant creature. Slowly she approached it. Don't worry, little one. I won't hurt you, she cooed. It seemed that the baby understood, for it remained in place and let the canine near. Rio's pink tongue softly brushed from the white rabbit's nose to his forehead, and she knew that he was soothed.

All plans for the lighthouse forgotten, Rio turned around to clear a space for her body, and lay next to the tiny creature. Her nose tenderly brought him close to her chest, where her warmth would comfort him in his loss.

Jefferson Soul · 05-17-2010, 11:53 AM

So along with just general mentoring I'm going to give you some tips for basically saying things through different words for the sake of being interesting. I find I sometimes can't think of abstract ways to write things without being told them first, so that's why. Big Grin

Also, you should let me know your biggest goals and what you want to learn most in my helping you out. :3

Quote:--"Rio didn't seem to hear, for she was out in open space..." Sounds a little wonky. Also, usually you can't really hear wind anyway, so it's not a very effective metaphor (but she'd be able to feel its rush against her face).

--"She did not understand why rain drove everyone to hide..." Sometimes it's okay to just pose a question with a question mark, e.g. "Why was the blessing of rain such a deterrent to the world around her?" And instead of saying "she loved the cool feeling" you could turn that into a more powerful comparison, as in "the rush of the cool rain was like bathing waters, cleansing and refreshing to the Marino girl." Also, you said she has skin, but more specifically that skin is below her fur, so you might have to be more specific to be effective.

--"This place was very peaceful..." I hate using choppy, short sentences, so I have a tendency to use a lot of semicolons and dashes to make phrases flow together. Sentences like this one throw off the groove a little, in my opinion, but if you put a dash (—) after "lighthouse" it helps a little. "For now her fur was dry, and the little wolf climbed the slight slope of the land toward the lighthouse--peaceful, despite the domineering wind." Added a comma to break up the sentence and emphasize the word "peaceful." Little changes in grammar like that make a huge difference with the flow of words. Does that make sense?

--"There was little discussion..." I'm glad you can use semicolons correctly, but when you use them, see if you can replace them with a hard dash and if that would help the flow at all. In that particular sentence, you might've done that instead, and somehow merged the following chopped sentence.

--Past tense of "lie" is "lay". ^^ So the dead, ugly rabbit "lay" there, since 'Souls writing is in past tense.

--I feel like the imagery for the rabbit is fair enough; going into much more detail would be sickening. You could, however, go more into how Rio reacts to it, as you are bordering on passive voice to describe her sickness ("she FELT suddenly sick" is much less effective than "her stomach turned and she nearly gagged," etc.) Did she have to turn her eyes away from it in disgust? As always in the writing world, show, don't tell.

--I'm also thinking that rabbit wouldn't be alive if there were maggots on it. Flies buzzing around it, yes, but fly eggs become maggots, and they take time to hatch. Had the rabbit already been dead, they might've been laid in the rabbit's stomach and it would have eventually exploded with them, etc. etc., but it would be very, very dead by then. So I think you might need to fix this so that it's just being harassed by a ton of flies. There can be maggot eggs on it, by all means. Derp, fixed.

--There's a bit of a trick to dialogue. In most cases, ending a line of speech with a comma means it should be the first fragment of text. In other words: "Don't worry, little one," she cooed, "I won't hurt you." It looks a little wonky with the comma last, though I forget if it's technically grammatically incorrect.

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As of late, his tendencies to stray away from the ranch house increased. Naturally, he and Geneva had not spoken of their relationship to anyone outside their little home, and perhaps that was for the best—Jefferson would not have admitted that they hadn't slept in the same room in weeks, nor that they hardly exchanged even glances as they brushed past. He was not angry with her, no, but her emotions ran high and unpredictable. The cyclops had never been the type to be physically reassuring, while Geneva was in no mood or condition to be hugged and touched. Thus, the two simply coexisted in a shared space, allowing time to heal the wounds and holes that had been so abruptly ripped open. He gritted his teeth. It was a miserable life.

And so he wandered away from the ranch, once again giving her the space she desired. It was seldom she ventured out herself, embarrassed and confused by her disfigurements and losses, and the Patriarch's constant presence in the home only brought more tension. He had never been a fan of the rain, but its steady downpour brought a cleansing comfort, racing through his fur and soaking a chill to the bone. He staggered three-legged, an ache craning in his bad joints as per the norm when it rained. Where was he going? Hell if the brute knew; many days had been spent simply meandering, often with no destination at all. The borders had been somewhat unguarded, though he trusted his members to tend to them. Jefferson limped on, green eye unseeing what lay before him, clouded behind the endless onslaught of questions and musings that still took prevalence in his mind.

A stray glance to the side brought his attention to the young Marino girl, drenched with rain. His muscles tensed at first, thinking she had been wounded; he hastened for her as fast as his three-legged limp could take him, only to find the girl completely unscathed. Jefferson exhaled relief, but immediately thereafter affixing his green eye on the bundle of white she cradled so affectionately. He winced at the sight—the rabbit's stomach ripped open and exposed, the insects that buzzed about hungrily, the listless, dead look in its eye. Something twisted in the pit of his gut, and though his nose twitched in disgust, the Patriarch's dark gaze fell heavily on the girl, who curled around its frightened offspring just spaces away. "That thing probably won't survive on its own," he said simply. There was no point in offering false hope.

Rio Marino · 05-21-2010, 12:03 AM

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That's exactly what I need — help adding variety and depth, to make my posts clearer and more interesting. I appreciate help with grammar too. I'm so glad you're helping me. Big Grin 300+

She could feel the kit against her, its hungry body tense against her chest. Rio didn't attempt to speak to it, for she didn't want her voice to agitate it enough to flee from her. Instead, she hummed in small increments, her tiny voice carrying a soft tune for several seconds before dying into silence. She was pleased beyond description when the animal seemed to release its tension, sinking lower onto its front paws. A pleased smile came to Rio's lips. She hadn't known whether or not her attempts to soothe would work. The rabbit's eyes, however, remained wide with caution — Rio guessed that it was still shaken by its ordeal. She wasn't sure how she would feel if her mama went away like this, if some stranger tried to offer her unexpected comfort.

By chance, she lifted her gaze from where the kit lay. She squinted through the rain at the figure eerily outlined a small distance away, its movement quick and purposeful. It shaped into a canine, one much larger than she. Instinctively, she ducked into the grass and made herself small against the rabbit, but there was no chance she hadn't been spotted. She didn't fear the wolf in regards to herself, as she felt safe in Phoenix Valley and always had; but she did worry for her new friend. A fellow Valley wolf might want to eat what she'd found, or pry it from her in some other way.

Rio recognized Jefferson from his scars as well as his voice. She had never interacted with the cyclops, but she had heard about him here and there, spoken about him with her siblings a few times. They always talked of his impressive scars and of how important he was to them all, as their leader. But she knew nothing about his character. His words were as gruff as they were blunt, and as he spoke Rio stared at him with wide, uncertain eyes. He didn't frighten her, for there didn't seem to her that there was anything sinister in his tone. She just didn't understand why the baby animal had to die. Rio blinked, her ears falling slowly back against her skull. But, I... she began, pleading. I could take care of him. Mama sometimes healed wounded animals. If this was possible, surely Rio could figure out how to keep this creature's heart beating.

Jefferson Soul · 05-21-2010, 04:01 PM

Quote:--Try to think of various ways to identify Rio when you talk about her. You usually just stick to "Rio did this" or "she did that," but that's so limiting! Using descriptive words instead of her name help present her as a character in a show-don't-tell fashion; for example, I use a LOT of terms in replacement of the name "Jefferson": cyclops, brute, Patriarch, hybrid, gimp, male, idiot (when necessary), beast... So for Rio, since she's not too established as a character yet, you can use things like... the yearling, Marino [girl], Tueris, bright-eyed girl, etc. Be creative and don't limit yourself to just her name and gender!

--In the very first sentence, you used "against" twice. It probably wasn't on purpose, but repeating words in such small proximity (even within a few sentences) throws off the rhythm. As a general rule for anything you write ever, school or not, if you read what you've written aloud you'll pick up on a LOT more, like repeating words.

--This is random, but a friendly tip for writing is to avoid using descriptive words ending with "ly", etc. I read about this in a fiction writing article last year and haven't forgotten it since. Basically, saying "she said happily" is less effective than saying "she squealed in excitement" or "she beamed" ... Again, just a random tip I like a lot. Use the most precise verbs you can to describe things and your writing will instantly be more dense and shiny! 8D

--"She wasn't sure how she would feel if her mama went away like this..." Well, Naniko did technically just get removed from PV, so she IS gone. That's a way for Rio to relate to the rabbit, but making it obvious that her situation is far different from the bunny's is important to do too. Going a little into Rio's soft, tender side--her inner feelings wondering where her mother went, etc.--is a good way to get to know and establish her character. :3 I always take advantage of those soft spots whenever they arise in my writing; it definitely helped me develop Jeffers as a character, considering he is so gruff and cold about everything in his past. I had to really explore his feelings and mindset to figure out exactly why and how to capture that.

--Ah, you misused a semicolon! They are so annoying to learn. "...as she felt safe in Phoenix Valley and always had; but she did worry for her new friend." Use a comma there, not a semicolon. The Oatmeal has a pretty funny tutorial on the semicolon if you want to look at it. XD The rule I always hear about them is that if you don't know how to use them, avoid them like the plague. They're so stupid to use, but if you can get the hang of it, they are incredibly useful.

--Another thing to keep in mind is to never start a sentence with the word "but." There are obvious exceptions, but you should always look back at your sentence and see if the word is even necessary (a lot of the time, "but" can be left out at the start of a sentence completely). So for example, "But she new nothing about his character" as a complete sentence is grammatically incorrect. I think you shouldn't ever use "but" at the start of a sentence unless you want to risk grammar and go for effect... such as asking questions ("But how had this happened?" "But why?") ...So in summary, just look back over the sentence if you decide to start it that way.

--I like that you went more in depth with how she's feeling about the possibility of the rabbit dying, and how she makes the excuse that her mother was a healer, etc. That's really great characterization, and extremely appropriate for a younger character. Keep it up!

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How long had she laid there, cradling the tiny thing? Jefferson could only wonder; what he assumed to be the mother rabbit, sprawled inches away, lay in a cloud of hungry, minuscule vermin. It was hard to judge, but the rabbit could have been there for days. The picture was sickening, and with a scarred grimace the cyclops approached it, leaving the Marino girl's words hanging in the empty, moist air. His bad leg lowering to the dirt, Jefferson pushed the soft dirt between his scarred toes, eventually bringing the soil to cover the dead rabbit completely. That done, he squared his shoulders and stepped back, bad leg hanging in the air as it stung from use, and the sadness within the depths of his green eye fell upon the mound that had once been such a terrible sight.

Turning his one-eyed gaze to her again, the Patriarch finally continued. "It's too young," he grunted, a softness in his gravelly tone. "It needs its mother—and you're still a baby yourself." No harm, no darkness lingered in his words; what he said was the truth. Rio was still just a child, naturally learning all the things the world had to offer at her own, gingerly pace—Jefferson had been forced to learn the walk as an adult without memories, without guardians or leaders to steer him in the right direction. He had been—and still was—a killer, a rapist and a sinner, unable to learn the ways of the world at a pace he desired. From the start, Jefferson stumbled from one struggle with death to another, and with the still emptiness of his memories, had been shaped into a beast rough around the edges.

He lifted his head, sorrow in his eye. "Some things are beyond us, Rio," the cyclops said. "Some things we just can't control."

Rio Marino · 05-29-2010, 03:21 PM

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<3 300+

The Marino child considered her own words as Jefferson remained silent. Images of herself and the tiny creature together filled her heart with warmth and a giddy sense of anticipation — she so wished to have the rabbit kit to care for. It could become entirely hers, completely reliant on her for its survival. The cyclops distracted her in the instant that he moved, smothering her fantasy. The living creature stiffened against her once more, wary of the large beast's movement. Periwinkle gaze followed her leader's ragged paw as it dug earth to cover rotting carcass, completely entranced by this sorrowful burial. This was her first experience with death. The sable girl had never witnessed a loss of life in a tangible way, a life extinguished to return to the Earth.

Her gaunt face was rather blank for a moment, as she was puzzled by Jefferson's actions. She felt almost grateful to him for doing her little friend such a courtesy in burying its mother, counteracting the Patriarch's gruff exterior. His eye returned to her, words strangely comforting despite the harshness of his vocal cords. He was telling her that there was nothing she could do to save the rabbit. He was saying that it would die regardless of her endeavors to keep it alive. As he finished speaking, her eyes stung with emotion, glazing over with coming tears. She touched her nose to the small animal, inhaling its clean scent, feeling the plush white fur upon her face. The Tueris wondered why such a wonderful, beautiful life had to be wasted. The creature had done nothing to deserve such an early death.

Rio closed her eyes, feeling tears leak from their dark edges. When she opened them again, she timidly faced Jefferson, her voice high-pitched with sadness. I... I have to leave him? she asked softly, trying not to sob. He... he has t-to die?

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