the answer is in the wind [RO, M]

[Jefferson Soul]

(Stream-of-consciousness; a little insight into Jefferson's head. Dated around 20 April, since there is *so much* going on in his life right now. He's sitting around in AniWaya in this post.)

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WARNING This thread contains very strong language, starting from the first post. Reader discretion is advised.

How much longer is this going to go for?

Fuck... this hurts. It shouldn't be hurting his fucking long. Shit... it could have gotten infected. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck... I need to find Alaine, she'd know how to stop the pain — no, she's with the Miracles. Is Heath even still there? He'll think I'm trying to intrude on him again. I can't go there and risk making things worse with him, not when it could have an impact on the Valley. I don't even know the leader there. I can't have anymore tension with the Valley, not on my behalf. Not right now. I can't take any more than what's already piled on me.

Shit... augh, this hurts...

I could talk to Angelique, but— no, I can't do that either. The Valley's not going to see me in pain. I don't need them talking. Geneva's already probably gotten sicker because she's been so goddamn worried. And where the fuck did Pripyat go? I didn't cut off my fucking arm so that he could go lollygagging around avoiding me. Guilty or not, he's got duties. Nobody can slack off right now, not with me not being there half the time. I can't shake this feeling that something will go wrong, that something even worse is going to happen while I'm gone. Come on, Dawali. Get better, already. I know I'm in your debt, but this time Geneva might not even make it. I want to go home.

...and I want my fucking ranch back, damnit.

Fuck you, Iskata. If you hadn't gone and died, wherever the hell you did, none of this would have happened. I would have gone back on my own and been out of here. I'd probably be dead by now myself, one way or another. I'm not thanking you for saving my life. I'm not thanking anyone for that. I've paid my debt, I've led your pack, I've rescued people and killed people for this goddamn place. I've paid my debt, but there's no release. You're not here to take back the pack. You haven't brought anybody to take over for me. DaVinci didn't stay. Geneva couldn't handle it, and I don't even know where the hell Tala went. I'm not disbanding the Valley, not after all the shit I've done to keep it alive. Alone. Without you. Because you went and died, just like everybody else around me. Haku's gone, Laruku's gone, my mother's vanished, Geneva's on her way and the rest of my family is gone. I've outlived everyone. I was the first one born into this family, and I'm the last one left.

And if you hadn't deserted us, I wouldn't be. I'd still two arms, too. Fuck, this hurts. Do I have anything to stop the stinging? Augh, okay, time to get up... .... ..... Nothing here. No, no, no... Everything's empty. What am I doing? I don't know what to put on this anyway. It's just a stump of an arm and it hurts. ...No, I can't ask Dawali to do something. He's got enough on his plate fixing himself up. Whatever. Back to my chair.

Oh, shit. Did my rocker survive the snowstorm? I forgot to check.

Goddamnit, if I lost my rocker, someone is going to pay for it in blood. I don't know, Lucifer can. The second I get my hands on him...

...I really liked that rocker. Damnit...