My hearts just not in it

Shiloh Grant · 12-07-2011, 06:04 PM

Shiloh wore her rank well. She was an omega, lower then the new comers with no rank. Aleo and Kiara were there for her but her heart was not so easily fixed. She felt that Lady Nayru deserved a better explanation on why she had attacked Sam. Why she hurt and couldn't find peace. Why she was still a Sunya. Shiloh left the warm, strong arms of her mate and headed out of the house. She went to the river and sat down, howling for the woman to come. she didn't know if Lady Nayru would listen to someone as low in rank as she was but shiloh wanted to tell her how she felt. She had brought her carving tools with her hand had been working on a necklace for Kiara. Her arm still bothered her from time to time but she was able to carve still

She sat there for a while, finding that she rather enjoyed the quiet. she started to hum, feeling her children move and kick softly. She smiled and talked to them softly, enjoying that they responded to her so much. Her and Rendall that is. she was excited to have children.

Nayru · 12-09-2011, 02:05 PM

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The response was automatic. If someone called to her, any Ichikan especially, she came. The Lady always felt that she was there to serve Ichikan and all its members. Even a Sunya was a member still and Nayru would extend the same respect and compassion to whoever held that rank, so long as they still managed to hold onto it. The others might be a bit more harsh with the Sunya, or they might extend extra compassion—whatever they saw fit to try and set the misguided canine right again. Yet they all knew what came if the soul in question was unable to lift themselves from being nothing—banishment and spiritual death. For those cast from Ichika, it was sin to look upon them and acknowledge the living ghosts.

Yet Shiloh remained among them, alive and acknowledge as any of the others and Nayru came to the summoning. She did not feel any bitterness that she was summoned and not sought out, she merely ignored the aches her bones had begun to feel with her increased weight. The lady was the smallest of the females in Ichika, and yet now she carried with her not only herself but others. Her small frame was not built for childbearing and the pregnancy was more taxing than it should have been. Still she came.

Arriving along the river side Nayru's cherry eyes found Shiloh's, and simply Nayru clasped her hands together as if in prayer and bent her now fat body at the waist. Yet Nayru did not speak the customary words of the Ichikan greeting. Namaste, to acknowledge what was within another. What was within a Sunya, who was nearly nothing? Did Nayru want to acknowledge the unhappiness that Shiloh carried with her, the misery that had caused her to lash out at an innocent bystander? Instead Nayru simply unbent herself and stood facing the woman, waiting to be informed of why she had been summoned out into December's icy air.

Shiloh Grant · 12-09-2011, 02:59 PM

Shiloh was not expecting the Alpha so quickly. When Nayru appeared before her Shiloh looked over her leader and saw she too was pregnant. Shiloh wasn't as far along as Nayru but she knew what the woman was going though. She stood and clasped her hands together, bowing to her. "Na.... Namaste Lady Nayru. I am sorry to have you come all this way in your condition but I... I needed to talk to you. Would you come and sit with me so I can explain," Shiloh stuttered. She had a natural fear of leaders, the last one she had come in contact with before Nayru had hurt her ex mate and banished them.

Shiloh straightened and looked at Nayru with half lowered eyes. Nayru wore no cloak and the day was already proving to be chilly. Shiloh pulled off one of her cloaks she had worn to keep warm and offered it to Nayru. "I do not want you to get sick my lady. In our conditions we need to keep warm," she said softly offering the pregnant leader her cloak.

Nayru · 12-11-2011, 07:35 PM

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The tiny woman simply nodded and sat aside Shiloh at her request. That Nayru's pregnancy was now apparent bothered her, but she said nothing of it as Shiloh pointed out her condition. The growing pups inside of her were sucking the strength from the little lady but she did not like to admit this, not even to herself. She would not use them as an excuse for weakness, and so Nayru more or less went on with her life as before, save for moving slower and eating more. She did not wish to accept the cloak that Shiloh offered to keep warm. Her fur was enough, and so she raised her hand and shook her head, to indicate that no, she would not be accepting the cloth wrap.

"Feel free to speak. Share what you feel is necessary with me." Nayru's cherry eyes fell with interest upon the scarred girl. The Jiryu assumed Shiloh's desire for a meeting stemmed from her newly assigned rank, and yet Nayru could not guess as what the woman wanted if not a plea for reinstatement among the others. To grant that so quickly was out of the question given Shiloh's crime, but ever the patient woman she would hear the girl out none the less, and perhaps come back to the tales Shiloh would tell at a later date, when the time was right to reassess the standing of the Sunya.

Shiloh Grant · 12-12-2011, 01:23 AM

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Shiloh pulled back from the lady as she didn't want the cloak she offered. She sat down next to her and be gain to speak. "My lady I have summoned you here today to tell you of my conditions and how they came about. I dont exspect a change in my rank. I earned it for what i did to Sam. My only regret is tnat itwas not her mate. I assume you know of the war that happened in Aniwaya right? Well I was one cassulties of it. I went against Mask and at the time Sam's mate Rain was a loyal supporter of him and his will. I had been sleeping with my horse when him and another male dragged me out and tie me to a support beam and lashed me al ost to death. Rain broke my ankle and fought my now ex mate. He fled like the coward he was." Shiloh paused and looked at her alpha with sad hurt filled eyes before continuing.

"My ex mate and i were banished from Aniwaya and i was taken to d'arte for medical help. The could fix my outside but something is broken inside. I developed a split personality while I was recovering. She is the reason my mate left me. She is the reason I made it here alive. Her name is Kavi and she was the one who truely attacked Sam. Rain succeeded in breaking me, mind and heart for while I was recovering my mate grew distant and my heart gave out on me. I have had two heart attacks and a stroke. My heart is weak my lady and i am with pups. I fear.... I won't live to see my next birthday or my beautiful Sarian's. I just found my soul mate. Aleo is one of the few who can honestly look upon me and not see my scars but the woman under it all. He doesn't see the burn victim, the rape victim, the cassulty of war. He sees me as something more. If he can Kiara and Sarian can see that in me, see my soul and accept that it is broken then why can't others? she paused again and hung her head in shame.

She wanted guidance and purpose. She wanted emotional and spiritual release. Could her alpha help her? Could someone in the pack help her see what she was truely meant to do in life? "I don't know what I am suppose to be in life my lady. I feel lost without a purpose to guide me. I had a rank before but what good was it bringing the pack? What good am I to the pack? I came here half dead with nothing but wood carving and some medicine skills. I wish to find help. Spritully and emotionally. Maybe it will help my conditions. Any suggests my lady?" she asked softly with and averted gaze. She really felt like her rank declared her. Nothing.

Nayru · 12-13-2011, 08:52 PM

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Nayru closed her eyes, for the monologue Shiloh gave her was long in length as Nayru had anticipated. The woman seemed to feel her rank was fitting for her actions and yet still felt no remorse for the harm she had inflicted upon Samantha. Nayru made no expression at this, though she felt great exasperation. How could she, or the others, get Shiloh to see the error of her logic? Harming one being did not punish another. Yet Shiloh moved quickly away from Samantha and onto herself. Nayru knew that war had raged in the south, between Aniwaya and some of the other packs, but specifics Nayru did not know. Only that she had feared for Liliana and still knew not what had become of her dear friend. Nayru had known well enough that Shiloh had come from Aniwaya and that ghosts from there haunted the now Ichikan, but still she winced slightly at the words of mistreatment Shiloh had been made to suffer.

Shiloh spoke of another being within her, and Nayru's mind went to Neela. That woman too had seemed to have uncontrollable fits of rage in the past, but Neela hadn't lashed out yet, and seemed to believe she would not again. Nayru knew it was possible to find peace within, to make whole again a being that had been broken into two. That Shiloh maintained that she was beyond help was perhaps the first block they would have to break. The woman waited until the scarred creature was finished speaking before she interjected any words of her own, and when she did she was slow to speak and chose what she said carefully.

"You say that only a few understand you, but this is true for any and all who live. We can never understand one another, just as you cannot understand Samantha. And then, do you see why it was unfair for you to attack her?" Shiloh could not know the reasons behind Samantha's love for Rain, and so it was not her place to lash out then. "You say that only a few accept you, and yet still you are among your family in Ichika. If we did not accept you, truly we would cast you out." Shiloh assumed that others could not do what Kiara and Aleo had done, yet to assume as much was creating an expectation of others, an idea that Shiloh would hold whether it were true or not.

"You say you are broken, but anything that has been broken can be fixed. We are ever changing Shiloh, and you too will change again. You were once without Kavi, and so again you could be so. But you must will it to be true. You ask for purpose, then you must create it. The potential of any of ranks can only be achieved if the soul holding such a rank aspires for more. What could the Kusala do? What could you do?" Nayru peered sideways at the girl, aware that this conversation was one she had had with many others. They all wished to know how they, only one small being, could serve Ichika as a whole. And yet, Nayru had no answers for them for the one who knew best was they themselves. "You want healing spiritually? Emotionally? What steps have you already taken for such a task? "

Shiloh Grant · 12-13-2011, 10:54 PM

Shiloh looked down. She was wrong for attacking Samantha. "I was wrong. She deserves love from someone. She will never forgive me. I.... am accepted? Even with my mental problems. I want to change my lady. Create... a purpose?" she asked softly, gazing up at her softly. She thought about it. She had a purpose as a mother and a mate. Was that what she gave to the pack? She was knew how to carve and knew medical things. She could build things, heal people. Was that her purpose?

"My purpose....is to build, to heal. I saved my mate and my daughters life. I am not a bad wolf. I do regret my actions. I must find Samantha and make this right. I must forgive and learn from my past. I will become stronger. Maybe my heart will get better," she said as her hand went to her slightly rounded stomach. "Here my lady. I normally make them for my family. You are family. Please except this," she said holding out the carving of a mother nursing her pups. It looked like lady Nayru. " My one true talent. It makes a great necklace or bracelet. I have leather for both if you want it," she said with a slight smile

Nayru · 12-19-2011, 01:45 PM

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The understanding and remorse that came over Shiloh brought a flood of warmth to Nayru. Had the woman truly come to understand the wrong in her actions? Nayru looked upon Shiloh almost as a mother would a child, the love she felt for the girl, for any Ichikan, was unconditional and she nodded warmly to the girl. "You are accepted. You have a placed here. You have a purpose." Though Nayru did not specify that purpose. Shiloh could do so herself, and did with her next words. "You are not bad. None of us are bad. We are all born with goodness, it is only that sometimes we become misguided or injured. We must resist that, we must strive always to express our goodness." Nayru had never thought Shiloh bad, only wrong in her actions, and it seemed the girl realized this now too.

Nayru tilted her head at the lady's next words and this time when Shiloh pulled forth an offering, Nayru extended her hand to accept it. In a way the carving reminded her of the wooden animal token Saul had offered her on the day she was mated to Gideon. It seemed then that all big life events were to be marked from with a token from dear ones. "Thank you Shiloh. It is a lovely gift. I can see you put your heart into this." The details were crafted so carefully and anyone could see that the figure bore the unique markings of the Jiryu. "I will put it onto the necklace with my other, a figure Saul gave me when I was mated." Why not start such a collection? And yet, her trinkets were irrelevant in face of what had just transpired. "I think it wise you apologize to Samantha. No being who realizes the error of their way and makes amends for such acts deserves the rank of Sunya." Nayru smiled, though the woman would have to bear the rank a little longer, she now had the key that would release her from such an unpleasant position.

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