Room to breathe

Anann Kelevra · 02-07-2012, 06:44 PM

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A sharp snort cut through the air and was followed by a succession of resonating thuds as the Friesian pawed at frozen earth. The horse appeared to be standing alone under the tree and for that his behavior would have seemed quite odd for any onlookers without enough sense to look up. The old oak still clung to it’s leaves, through brown and withered they provided enough cover for the golden amber wolf to hide in plain sight as she sat on large branch.

She leaned against the rough bark of the broad trunk. One leg dangled over the edge of the limb whilst she hugged the other to her chest and rested her chin upon her knee. Umber eyes staring blankly out into space. It had been well over a week since her certainty of the life within had begun to wane and now she was sure, she had lost them.

Since she had first started to pick up the early signs of her pregnancy Anann had felt mixed emotions. There would always be her fear, but she was willing to try and move past it. She had wanted to want them. They were Anatoliy’s children, but there had still be doubt and uncertainty. Was that why? Had it been her own fears that had lead to this result?

A sharp pitch squealed from the stallion below broke through her thoughts. The wolf tossed the horse a harsh look for his interuption. Just go away, Rem. Leave me alone. She said in a most defeated tone, swinging her dangling leg at him in feeble attempt to shoo the horse away. Rem knew Anann was throwing herself a pity party, but there was little he could do about while she remained perched out of his reach. Frustrated, the stallion eventually wandered off. Anann never bothering to consider that he might be up to something more.

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Anatoliy Russo · 02-07-2012, 07:19 PM

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Anann had been pregnant and the man had been able to tell from the scent she gave off. There had been a little glimmer of light for them, even though their lives were plenty good already. Anatoliy had wanted children, especially with Anann. Though, he did have that small flickering fear inside that came with any woman's pregnancy. He also refused to believe her superstitious and coincidental belief that the first daughter she bore would be the death of her. It was a strange thing to believe and he refused to believe it. To believe in something made it real, just like not telling a nightmare would make it true. He would be hopeful, always.

But something shifted in Anann and there was a change in her again. He couldn't really tell what was happening with her, but whatever it was did not make her happy. Toliy's happiness took a shift with it as she grew moody. He did not pry, knowing that something could have happened that he did not know about. She was the leader and she had to know more than he would ever need to. He was subordinate to her, and it was none of his business, those things that she saw.

For whatever reason, Anatoliy had decided it was high time for a walk, especially since he had little to do in the courthouse. A simple walk, that's all. It was short, though, for he heard a horse squealing in an uncharacteristic manner. Concerned, the man followed the sound and heard his mate's voice call out. There was something terribly dejected in it, and he could hardly understand why. Something was wrong, and it was his duty now to figure out what it was and how to help. Pushing away a few empty branches, the man heard some snap. He didn't care. His golden eyes were watching his mate, who sat up in a tree. Rem was snorting in annoyance beneath her, even as she swung her legs at him. "Vhat's zhis? Rem, are you bozhering zhe lady?" he asked gently, sending a concerned look up at Anann.

Anann Kelevra · 02-11-2012, 09:53 PM

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It hadn’t taken Anann long past learning to shift to figure out that a tree was about the only place that it was safe to hide from Rem, or get out of his reach at the very least. Even then she had to be sure to get higher than the stallion could rear up to, for he had proven ambitious enough to pull her down out of a tree before if his teeth could reach her and that had not ended well. However, Rem was not the only one Anann had been tactfully avoiding in her brooding and self-blame.

Anann wondered if he knew, as she watched Anatoliy approach. Neither of them had spoken of her pregnancy, though there was no doubt they had both known. Unspoken, but not unacknowledged as it had certainly sparked something in the Russian. Anann, too, had grown hopeful that perhaps they would indeed have a family. The family that she knew he must want. But what would he think now?

Oh how she hoped that he knew. That her scent had already told him what she already knew. Her stomach tightened with nerves as he pushed through the branches. As umber eyes met gold, she could tell. He didn’t know. Probably because he did not want to believe the truth of it. A pained look crossed over her eyes before she tried to hide it with a weak, forced smile. Oh ,he is just wanting to put knots on my head is all. Well, more like bite welts on her hind-side, but it was all the same really.

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Anatoliy Russo · 02-11-2012, 10:12 PM

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The man carefully put a hand on the dark horse's shoulder. He was careful to watch Rem in case he snapped and tried to bite at the hybrid. "Rem, let her be. Ve can't be happy all zhe time." Anatoliy dropped his hand from the horse, and gazed solemnly up at the woman in the tree. He could not understand why she was moping, but it was bad enough that she was running from her oldest friend in the world. He knew it had to be something about the litter she carried. It had to be bad? Had she lost them? Or was it something to do with the pack? Nothing seemed wrong there.

Anatoliy pulled his hand up to the branch and gripped it tightly. "Come down, Anann. Ve still need you to be in vorking condition," he said delicately as he put a palm on her leg. Rem snorted near the man, which the hybrid ignored. Rem could be impatient as much as he liked, especially since it was obvious he had lost his temper with Anann. Not that he could really blame the stallion. "We can go for a valk and you can tell me vhat is so wrong." Anatoliy stood back from the branch so that his woman could come down on her own, and he would still be ready to catch her if things would go that way. He smiled as best as he could at her, though it was forced at best. Anann was upset about something and he did not like being ignorant of what the cause was.

Anann Kelevra · 02-11-2012, 11:40 PM

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Rem turned his large head to look at the Russian through the length of his forelock as he felt the large hand rest on his shoulder, ears perking forward for a moment in greeting. Angular ears fell back again though as the horse looked back up at the miserable female in the tree and gave a snort. She was being far to hard on herself. There was nothing she could have done that would have changed the outcome, but there was no way for him to make her understand that. Still the horse had done the best he could to help remind Anann there was little use in worrying over the things you can’t change.

Feeling betrayed by her own body, Anann was even more afraid of how Anatoliy would feel. She had tried to keep her outlook positive and that she had wanted the litter, and on some level she had. But there had also be plenty of doubt and fear lingering in her heart. It was hard to meet his eye, but has she felt his hand on her leg her eyes were drawn to his.

Anann gave a compliant nod to her mate and positioned herself on the limb so that she could step over to a lower limb. Perched, still sitting on the limb, Anann hesitated and looked down at her mate before her gaze shifted to the hand resting over her stomach. She was starting to think that maybe she wanted to talk about this before she got down, out of the tree. As if it was how safer up in the withered canopy. Is it my fault? she asked as she looked down, her eyes not looking to his again until after she spoke the first question. Did I do something wrong?

She had never asked those questions when they had been Keese’s. It had not mattered, for then it had been a mercy, but this...this could not even be compared.

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Anatoliy Russo · 02-12-2012, 12:20 AM

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Anatoliy watched as Anann came down the tree. He noticed Rem did nothing, so clearly it had been his goal all along to get her out of the tree. As soon as she was down, she did not rush into him, but stayed where she was. A hand went to her belly, and the Russo eyed her carefully as she spoke. Her words confused him, and the meaning behind them and the gesture to her stomach eluded him. Anatoliy blinked at her for a woman before slowly stepping before her. He took her hand into his and he stroked the back of it with light fingers. He was unsure of the reason behind her gloom, though he was starting to think it had been the litter. Why else would she blame herself?

"Anann, if it is vhat I zhink.. it isn't your fault." He gave her a light kiss to the nose, before trying to give her a reassuring smile. But if it was the litter, he was going to be truly saddened. Yet, it was not her fault and she should not blame herself for it. "It can't be your fault." Perhaps she had feared them enough that her body had rejected the children they had worked together to make. Not that he could blame her, with her fear of dying to a first born daughter. "You vould know if it vas your fault." He pulled her to his chest and gently stroked her hair.

Anann Kelevra · 02-12-2012, 01:50 AM

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Soft, dark eyes searched his own golden orbs, hoping that he would understand her rather vague question and slight gesture, but found only confusion. Amber ears tucked back against her mane as she looked down at the ground between them. The words themselves were so simple, as she recited them over and over again in her head, but they were so difficult to say for the weight they bared that she found it difficult to give them voice, knowing the disappointment that she suspected it would bring her mate.

Anatoliy moved closer, taking up her hand with a gentle caress. His touch was soothing and she looked up to have a kiss planted on the end of her nose. A small smile pulling across her lips for a moment before it was once again overshadowed with sadness. Anann buried her face in his fur of his neck and chest as he pulled her close. Her arms wrapping around him in a tight hug for a long moment before her arms loosened a bit. I didn’t feel like I was ready, yet. She admitted quietly though not without shame, her face turned so that it was no long buried against the fur of his chest, but resting against it.

I’m sorry. Anatoliy had never pressured her for a family, yet in time she knew his heart would yearn for a family of his own to replace the one left behind in Russia. True he still had some family in the region, but Anann doubted it was much the same. I.., she sighed, What if it always ends this way.. and I can never give you a family? That was the question that really haunted her. Would she, could she be enough? Or would his heart come to long for more than she could give over the years.

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Anatoliy Russo · 02-16-2012, 06:27 PM

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She was not ready. But who was ever ready to become a mother? A father? Anatoliy knew nothing about how to raise a child, but all he knew was how not to raise one. His father had shown ample examples of that, especially from what he had learned about the man afterward. There was so little about being a good father, though, that the man knew. He hoped that it would be easy to help raise a family with Anann. She had to have been in the same boat as he, her mother passing away before she even knew her touch. "I vasn't eizher." He knew that he never would be. He would have to learn as he went how to be a good father the children he had yet to get.

But her next words worried her more than she gave evidence to. Anatoliy was silent for a moment, wondering why she was so afraid. If they never had children, he would not feel too much loss other than the pangs everyone got for children. If anything, there were other options. If they found a pup, they could raise it as their own as a substitute offspring. Though it might not be a good replacement. Silently, he squeezed her hands as he pulled away from her. His lips offered a gentle smile, though he knew she was not happy with the situation. "Ve'll manage. Ve alvays do."

Anatoliy tugged at a hand, and began to pull her along to a walk. Hopefully the walk would help her and him. He waved lightly at Rem, letting the stallion do as he pleased. "I'm sure zhere is plenty ve'll have to do in spring for the Fort." Looking sidelong at Anann, the Russo checked her expression for reactions. "Perhaps now is not the time for children."

Anann Kelevra · 02-22-2012, 02:59 PM

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There was no doubt in Anann's mind that Anatoliy would make a wonderful father, if he was only given the opportunity. He had a natural aptitude for it from what Anann had seen during the time the Cour des Miracles pack had been forced to weather last year's snow storm in the Chien Hotel. She gave a brief smile after he said he hadn't been ready either. True perhaps, but the role would come naturally to him she was sure, but Anann was not so confident about herself. She had never been good with the very young and often found herself rather uncomfortable in the presence and there was no promise that those feelings would change when they were her own young. There had never been much need for maternal instincts in her line.

It was not for her own wants that Anann had been worried. They had been happy so far, with just one another and Anann would be content if their family remained no more than just the two of them, but she doubted that was truly what Anatoliy would want in the long run. Though her fears weakened as he still held her in his arms despite. Reaffirming the fact that he did not blame for her what she could not change. Dark brown eyes looked up at him as he moved away slightly and she gave a weak smile at his words, followed by a small nod. After all they had been through, they could get past this. One way or another.

Anatoliy tugged her along into a walk. The golden woman quickly matched his pace and looped her arm in his. She leaned into him for a moment and nuzzled against his arm. He was right, after all. The coming spring would be quite busy. For then they could finally start some of the constructions that would truly make Fort Kingsbury their own. It not as if they had been trying to start a family yet anyway. "You're right. Perhaps it was for the best after all." She had not wanted to think of it that way, but there would be time later for them to try for a family if they wanted.

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