skipping a beat but it plays

Colibri Haki · 10-08-2012, 06:34 AM

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TL;DR: she is lounging in the spare bedroom. :V Poke me to change anything!
WC: 757

Coli never left the house. She had been so happy to see Eclipse and her new mate from the Cercatori pack, to meet Niernan's love and recognize the scent of another expecting mother, it had been a wonderful surprise. After the hurricane passed, though, she did not have the heart to move her pups out again. Something was broken within her, and not just the lingering weakness from the birth. The only peace she felt was when her daughters were nursing, but it was artificial and left as quickly as it came. Perhaps the gloom could be blamed on the hormonal depression some mothers faced after their children came into the world. There was more to it than that, though, and Coli did not know how to voice it to Saul or Lilin. She was so sick of herself.

Coli lay curled on the floor of the spare bedroom, listlessly watching her pups wake up and move about. She wanted to focus on loving and caring for them, but all her tired mind could do was replay the encounter over and over... Anu. Why could she never forget that woman? Years had passed, and she never moved on. How could she? How did anyone stop loving their first? Seeing her again so unexpectedly had been jarring to say the least. It was... shameful. It hurt to realize Coli was still the same wolf she had been back then, and that wolf was worthless, cowardly, a traitor. She truly meant what she said to Anu -- she did not want her pups to be anything like her. They would have many upstanding role models here in Vinátta, but their mother was not one of them.

Her daughters had grown rapidly those first three weeks. Their eyes were open now, displaying that warm blue color that all babies began life with. Perhaps they would never change. All three of them wanted to explore, trundling along the floor of the house and pawing at things, making their little grunts and squeaks and occasionally something that sounded closer to babbling. It was probably too soon for first words, but they were listening to the adults around them, absorbing the sounds they would eventually repeat.

Farina seemed particularly pushy already, a dominant streak showing earlier than her sisters -- or was Coli simply paranoid, since that puppy looked the most like their father? She couldn't deny the nervous twinge in her stomach when she watched the little black-furred wolfdog nudge Fiora and Florina with a triumphant growl, causing her smaller littermates to topple over. Colibri had already vowed not to tell them anything about their father, but she dreaded the day when they were old enough to ask. She had been meaning to seek out Miskunn at some point -- perhaps there was a story in mythology she could appropriate, of children being born to one parent. Anything was better than telling them a truth that could haunt them. For that matter, the less they knew about their grandfather Haku, the better.

Coli groaned, and rolled over onto her back, staring at the ceiling. She was such a disappointment. Saul and Lilin both spoke so fondly of her, and why? What had she ever done but leech off their kindness, and take advantage of the security they provided? Even now she was living under their roof and accepting their food, too afraid to step outdoors lest she run into Anu again. She couldn't hide forever, but old habits die hard. Soon frost and then snow would claim their land, and they would have no use for a gardener. She could look after all the little Stormbringers while their parents were off doing important things, but she might not even be qualified for that. All she did was watch her little girls -- was she supposed to be parenting them yet? They wandered where they wanted, tussled or fell down with no consequence, ambled back to their mother whenever they wanted to nurse and she obliged them... She didn't even know when she was supposed to wean them. Was it soon?

Chocolate ears flicked, as she realized their sounds had grown fainter. She rolled back onto her belly, noticing the last little tail disappearing around the doorway. Maybe they were looking for their cousins, although she doubted they were that cognitive yet. Coli sighed, settling her chin on her paws. They were safe here, and she would go round them up in a moment. She just didn't feel like doing anything anymore.

Table by Syd!

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Lilin Soulstorm · 10-13-2012, 03:12 PM

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(378) :>

No longer did she feel the innumerable throbs of anguish that had plagued her during her gestation. Her energy grew every day, accompanying the evolution of her children. She had almost forgotten what it felt like to be active and in high spirits. Her presence was still needed around the household, though. Motherhood was inescapable but every so often, Saul would relieve her from her duties once the children were fed and content. These moments were few and in between, and she cherished them all the more for that very reason. Lilin loved her children unconditionally, but her youth and independence had to be taken into consideration. As soon as all three of them were weaned, she would regain a considerable part of her freedom.

She had just begun feeding them very small amounts regurgitated meat as suggested by Saul, an indication that it wouldn't be much longer until they could eat independently. All three of them were amazingly aware of their environment, including their cousin's presence in the vicinity. Rúni and Lund would often stray from the group and play with each other, having somehow realized that the girls seemed a bit more fragile than they were. Sólieri, their youngest littermate, would often prefer her mother's warmth and if she was feeling particularly playful, she would seek her cousins out and play with them. Her children had just woken from an afternoon nap, clumsily pawing at each other's faces and rousing each other from their puppy slumber.

Lilin allowed one of her own yawns to accompany theirs before setting them down in the foyer. Saul was off tending to the pack, as usual. Colibri's three little flowers made an appearance soon thereafter, greeting the Stormbringer trio in their own puppy language. The Soulstorm heir couldn't help but smile, thankful that the children had a chance of developing a bond at such an early age. "Coli," she called out, making an appearance in the doorway leading to the guest room. Her sister wasn't the most active person in Vinatta, she knew. But lately, it felt as though she barely left the room at all. "Let's go get some fresh air," she suggested suddenly, wondering if the chocolate Hollr would agree. The children certainly would not mind.

Colibri Haki · 10-14-2012, 06:07 AM

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<333 /noms on
WC: 600

Chocolate ears perked up when she heard her name spoken from the doorway. Coli glanced to her sister without lifting her chin from her paws. Lilin seemed brighter by the day, uplifted by the returned health of her offspring and the easy weather following the hurricane. Coli wavered, hesitating before she answered. She almost said no reflexively, the stubbornness ingrained in her. She did not have the energy or desire to go outside, but it was difficult to turn Lilin down, especially since the Virding could be very insistent. She did miss the walks they took when they were pregnant, the bond they had formed during that time. There was a lot she wanted to talk about now, but she wasn't sure how to even begin. "...All right," she agreed dully, rising stiffly to her four paws. Thank you for not giving up on me, she added silently.

The small wolf padded into the foyer of the grand home, and was greeted by the sight of the cousins assembled in a flock. She liked seeing the six puppies together, a patchwork of colors rolling and playing. The world outside would be filled with so many new things for them. There was a gentle smile on her face, her bobtail stirring as she watched for a long moment. She really did love children, and now her heart was filled with love for her own brood, even if she had not figured out how to show it properly yet. That confused and frightened part of her mind wanted to distance herself from them, worried that they would turn out wrong and she would be the cause. The Virdings were a security net, a positive presence to balance out Colibri. The smile faltered, becoming a concerned frown as she realized how wrong that sounded. She needed to love them as much as two parents, not ignore them the way her father had done to her and Cercelee. Or could he have possibly felt the same way, once upon a time...? The thought made her shudder.

Their pups were still too young to understand the conversation, and Saul was typically out and about during the day. Coli was at least comfortable enough to voice some of her thoughts. She cleared her throat awkwardly, unsure how to begin. "Was there ever anyone before Saul...?" she asked faintly, wincing as she regretted it. Colibri and Lilin were both private people, and rarely delved into their pasts, even with each other. It wasn't necessary; who they were today mattered more than where they came from. But it was the past that was causing so much conflict in Coli now, and she wondered if Lilin had ever experienced anything like this. Did she ever want to change everything about herself, step out of her skin and become someone else entirely?

"Never mind, you don't have to answer that. I just... I need you to be honest with me about something." She scuffed her paw near the door, turning back to look to her daughters. She should probably shift up and carry them, she was no longer too weak to change forms. She knew they would trundle right out the door once it was opened, though, their instinct was to gravitate toward bright lights. Their clumsy movements were so charming, but they grew so fast already. Soon they would look to her to learn everything, and Coli did not know what to teach them. At least they could learn from her mistakes.

"There's somebody who joined Vinátta recently that I... that I knew from a long time ago..."

Table by Syd!

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Lilin Soulstorm · 10-14-2012, 11:51 AM

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(407) :>

Surprisingly, Haku Soul's eldest daughter agreed to the Virding's impromptu suggestion; her acquiescence, though, came in a dull tone far from unexpected. Lilin wasn't sure what had caused this sudden change in her sister's personality- it had taken her some time to decipher whether Coli was still suffering from the circumstances surrounding her children's birth or not. Saul had assured his mate that their Hollr's health had returned and that time would heal all wounds. While she tried to understand and give her eldest sibling the space she needed, Lilin's patience was running out. They were both alive and well. Complications had arisen for the sisters- Coli's birthing complications and the illness to have befallen Lilin's children shortly after the hurricane. But everything was back to normal now, or it should have been - had there not been something visibly plaguing one of the new mothers.

The Soulstorm heir stepped aside, giving the chocolate female enough space to make her way to the main foyer before following suit. Mediterranean orbs swayed from the Hollr to the children wobbling around on the wooden floor. A smile of her formed on her maw as she caught sight of her sibling's reaction to their puppies tumbling about at their feet. She loved them, that much could not be doubted. Her smile morphed into a frown, however, when Colibri voiced a question that caused her to halt mid-step and a shiver to rush up her spine. There was a notable pause before Lilin parted her lips, visibly unsure of how to voice a proper answer. It was her sister who spoke again before she could do so, asking for honesty. The Virding nodded meekly, turning to cast a worried look toward her progeny; thankful they could not understand what was being said.

''I'm not sure if the feeling was mutual. He left shortly after Saul and Temeraire joined us and he never came back,'' she murmured shamefully, for the first time admitting that she'd felt something for Barrett at one point in time. She left it at that, reaching around her sister's form to open the bulky wooden door. Six little heads shot up at the same time, drawn by the sudden rush of fresh air. "Someone you had feelings for," she filled in, watching her step as Lund snuck past the group, followed closely by his brother. "That's why you haven't left the house, isn't it? Who is it?"

Colibri Haki · 10-15-2012, 03:13 AM

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massive post of dramaaaa
WC: 1038

The door swung open, a draft of cool autumn air sweeping into the home. Rúni and Lund led the way for the pack of puppies, but Flor and Fari were quick to dash out the door nipping playfully at their heels. It seemed the littlest girls would rather stay close to their mothers, Fiora and Sólieri. Coli nudged her chocolate-brown daughter forward with her nose, encouraging her to explore with the others. Lilin admitted she had feelings for another, once, but it was nothing more than that. Then she made her astute observation, probing further, and Coli could only nod in agreement. Yes, that was why she could not bring herself to leave the house for any length of time. She sighed heavily, preparing herself to delve into the story that she had only shared bits and pieces of before. No one knew all of it, but if anyone deserved to understand why Colibri Haki acted the way she did, it was Lilin. The small wolf padded out onto the porch area, sad blue eyes keeping a wary watch on the puppies.

"Y-you know how I am, I'm... afraid of males, I can't... it's really hard for me to trust them at all. I don't think I could ever, well... be with one, in that way. Not after wh-what Haku did. I fell in love... with a female instead. Her name is... Anu." She swallowed nervously, watching the pups cavorting in the leaves instead of making eye contact. Saul knew that much, just not the name. She wasn't sure if Lilin knew about her preferences, but it was at least obvious that she was not interested in men. It was the reason she had kept the puppies, when they had been conceived against her will -- she could never become a mother otherwise.

"When I lost my tail... I told you Haku took it. He would have killed me that day, if Anu hadn't been there to save me. She saved me in a lot of ways. I left Dahlia de Mai to be with her -- she was one of the leaders of Crimson Dreams. She was... too good for me," she added softly. There was never a time Coli had not been aware of that fact. She had warned Anu over and over, even the day they first met -- but for whatever reason, the Lieutenant General did not want to listen. Kind and forgiving Anu had a hold over her, a magnetic force that she could not resist, not even now. "We... never became mates, though. I got so scared that I was going to hurt her, disappoint her... I was distant, started avoiding her, and... and I never meant to ruin it, it just... she... got pregnant. She never told me, but... it could only mean that she didn't want me, so I just... left." Her halting narrative fell silent, choked up. When she met Anu weeks ago, they had argued about what went wrong. Who was at fault. There were so many unresolved feelings, all of them painful to admit to.

"I threw away two years of my life. Just running, and running... avoiding any contact, living off the wild. It was the only way I could cope. I couldn't handle any more feelings, I just... shut it down. I only came back here by accident... I never thought I would see her again. I met you, and I followed you here, and I made a home for myself. Even when I found out where Anu was, I didn't try to see her; it would only hurt her, that's all I ever did to her. But... but then... but she came here too, just before the hurricane..." Coli whimpered, curling in on herself. That encounter had devastated her. All she really wanted to do was apologize, and instead she spat harsh words she wished she could take back. Her heart had broken all over again, and Anu just walked away. Coli wanted to scream, to cry, to do anything other than just lay there helplessly, but that was all she had done. Let her walk away.

She drew a shuddering breath, continuing with difficulty. "I'm still in love with her, Lilin, but she doesn't care about me anymore. She's with someone else, here, I could smell it in her fur. She might even h-hate me. She's the only one I ever... I... don't know what to do with myself. It was like nothing had changed; I was the same coward who ran away all those years ago. I'm... always the same." She bared her teeth fiercely, flashing a glimpse of the self-loathing she had stewed in these past weeks. Oh, how she hated herself right now. The countless fantasies she had played out of reuniting with her Anu, with her head held high and proud, showing her how much she had grown during their time apart; they mocked her. She had ruined things all over again, but she just didn't know how to give up and move on. Always stuck in the past, never evolving.

"And you know, all I could think about were these little girls, my... daughters. I want them to be better than me, to not suffer through all the same insecurities and phobias and all the other messed up stuff in my head, but how can they? I'm such a-" She managed to cut herself off, the growl rising to a hysterical pitch. She was breathing heavily, fur rising along her spine. Fiora and her sisters seemed to take notice, shining blue eyes staring questioningly back at their mother. Coli stubbornly turned her head aside, ignoring their infantile concern. "Lilin, you've got to tell me, and be honest, do you... do you ever think I can change? Will I ever get better? I'm never good enough... and I'm sick of it. I want to be a better person. Even if... if it's too late for Anu, it's not too late for my girls," she whispered hoarsely. Finally she raised her gaze, staring gravely into Lilin's eyes as she spoke again.

"I think they would probably be better off without me... you should have just let me die."

Table by Syd!

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