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So she wanted him to hunt and feed her and Iskata, and the rest of the pack, in Jaded Shadows, he had made a fresh kill pile that he sorted though daily before he went out hunting taking out the day old kills, taking them to the loner lands and letting the hawks and other birds and animals that would feed of the dead bodies, once he had a great system, a grand working system. Oh but that was then, the male was...younger then, more green more willing to throw him-self into a wild mess to get the prey. The black male’s ears shifted as he moved out to the open plains of the pack.
His paws slipped on the ground, making the choice not to pick them up, he moved them across the ground, as he scanned the lands, seeing a squirrel, he licked his lips, it would make a nice gift for Deuce. The male gulped it was test time. He lowered his body down, towards the ground as he moved slowly. The squirrel must have heard him as the furry brown animal lifted his head up and then took off, the male pushed him-self. Trying to get the small animal, the male jumped trying to get to the animal, seeing the tree the male knew what was going to happen, he closed his eyes as he felt the impact. Yelping as he sat there, looking up at the squirrel. He spat upon the ground. ”DAMN IT!” He wanted Deuce to notice him, to see he was trying. He wanted Deuce back and he hoped by doing as she had commanded him, she would take more of a notice to him. He sighed as he stood up and shook his head. Looking around he wasn’t going to give up even if he brought back a rat, it was still a mouth full of food right?
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The pale woman touched her belly tenderly. She was certain now that there were tiny lives growing inside. They were small and fragile, but they were there now. Her flat stomach was slightly curved, but it wasn't noticable yet. Her breasts were gorwing more tender, though, and she instinctively knew the time for shifting was gone. She was in this form for another pregnancy. And it was okay with her.
Did she love Haku? In a way, yes. Haku had been there for her, but the seduction had been mutual. And in the end she'd let him go. The pain had been less than that of letting go of Lucifer; Deuce knew Haku wasn't hers to keep. Lucifer, however, had returned to the lands. For her, the rumors ran. Deuce didn't like the new Lucifer; he was small and cringing, whiney like a pup. It irritated her and saddened her.
She moved through the woods with a preternatural grace. Up ahead she heard a loud curse, and she gave a small smile. It sounded like the old Lucifer, the one she'd loved. She moved forward liquidly, pausing under the sheltering arms of an oak, the rain kept away by the boughs of the ancient tree. "Having issues?"
Her soft question held more warmth than the last time they'd spoke; it wan't much, but it was a start. She eyed the male cautiously. Was he going to cringe and fawn again? She hated it the day he'd done that and had done her best to avoid him afterwards. She would rather he stand on two legs and yell at her for sleeping with haku. She knew Haku's scent hadn't entirely rubbed off, it was entrenched in her bed, and she slept in her bed every night, surrounded by the chocolate male's comforting scent. She didn't mind, either.
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The scent of that males was still onto her, and her stomach was starting to round, this wasn’t the first time Lucifer had been around her while she was entering pregnancy, the male wasn’t the smartest one of them all but he knew well enough that this wasn’t his child. It was the other males, he hated that, he wanted to kill the one that lay with her, ejected his sperm into her. The black male found him-self looking at Deuce with a rather upset look, with a squeak he quickly turned his eyes down, he was still below her, way below her. Hell he was equal rank to his child. His own blessed child, who wasn’t even a year old, salt to the insult. He lowered his tail, but not wrapping it under his body; he was no longer the lowest of low ranked wolves.
”Yes Ms.” He nodded, he didn’t offer up any emotion, he figured why should he right now he was still just a small blimp in her radar, he should just be blessed that she was talking to him, and honoring him with her time. The blue eyes scanned for a prey to hunt of her. She said hunt and feed every one, so blessed it he would try, even though he wasn’t really a hunter any more…it was a lost skill that he once had, just like the Lucifer that she said that she wanted. The male wasn’t sure what else to say or do in this time, he just stood there, head cranked down, body lowered then her if she was on all fours, how long it had been since he was able to rub against her in the wolfen forum.
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She knew as soon as she spoke that this had been a mistake. The black male lowered himself, tucking his tail for her. An exasperated sigh left her lips. She wanted to slap him for this, but he wouldn't even stand on two legs for her. He stayed in the Lupus form. "Damn it Lucifer, all the times you were ranks over me we still looked at eachother eye to eye. Why is it so damn hard for you to look at me now?"
She sat down, a hand going instinctively to her belly as she eased herself to the ground, leaning against the oak's trunk. Deuce leaned her head back and closed her eyes. "I give you permission to be open and honest with me, and still you persist in cringing away from me." She opened her eyes, raising her voice. She was furious now, furious that he wanted to act this way. "You claim to have come back for me and not even once have you looked at me or tried to greet me! Instead, you want to act like a child and play coy! I hate this game you are playing with me, Lucifer! I hate it!" She wiped away a tear which had fallen unnoticed, leaning her head back again, her eyes not leaving him. "I hate it.."she whispered.
Part of her wondered if this was his way of punishing her. If this was how he wnted to hurt her for sleeping with haku. Well, damnit, they'd never said they were anything but the occasional lovers. What crime was it for her to take a lover besides Lucifer? She watched him quietly now, absently worrying at her skin with the tip of a claw. This was a habit she'd unconciously found after Lucifer came back. The fine art of Self Injury. Most days she wasn't even aware of doing it,until she'd made herself bleed. The days she was aware, she didn't much care. "You make me feel guilty for having something to call my own, Lucifer, did you know that? You threw me out of my home, took my children away from me. Did you expect me to wallow in pity all my life? I have a home, a family here, and now you make me feel guilty for being successful. You make me feel guilty for finding some small comfort in life." Her voice was soft, as if she were only talking to herself. "You never wanted to keep me afterwards, you'd come and visit and then leave again. You didn't want to stay. Even after twilight vale disbanded, you didn't want to stay with me. Taliesin is here now, and still you don't want to give us a chance to be a family, you want to cringe away like I'm some sort of monster. Don't you care about me? Don't you care about how I feel?"
She wanted him to speak to her, to open up with her. She'd once spilled her secrts to him without a second thought. She'd opened up fully about how Erik rapd her, and the aftermath of it all. He'd been her rock, her stability even after the miscarriage and the death of Shadow. He'd been the one to know how to fix her time and time again. Why wouldn't he let her do that now? She knew what had happened with Naniko and Kansas, and she didn't condemn him for it. Why would he hide from her now? Why would he hide his heart from her now?
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He watched her sit down and where her hand went, he wasn’t stupid. She was pregnant and he knew it wasn’t his child, the time line wouldn’t mesh up. If the child would have been his she would have been with child a while ago. It killed him that she stood up and raised him a rank, but that was it. She never said that she was glad that he had come back. It was more of everyone yelling at him, finding ways of cutting him down. He sighed hearing her voice give in and out of emotions that she was feeling. Then she told him to be open and honest with her, find she wanted? He would give it to her. He sat down looking up at her, his eyes chilled, it was so wrong to look at her in the eyes.
”Fine…Your pregnant…not with my child...his…The one you cheated on me with. You act like you want me to be the old Lucifer the one that was able to hunt, the one that had no issues being your mate. I can’t. I’m not him. Deuce I came back to be with you, and yet…you follow me around and never once have you told me your glad to see that I came back, and I have survived Iskata’s bitching at me. Oh and it not just at the borders. It’s every damn time I see her. I’m here for you…not her. Again have you shown me that it matters to you…NO! I know you’ve take actions to make sure I’m not low man in ranks…but you would have done that for any one. Does it hurt just say? ‘Lucifer I’m glad your back and you joined my pack. ‘How hard is that? Then there are your wrists and you mocking cutting your’s-self. Didn’t Akumu kick you out of the pack for that or something like that? I was only a pup but I’m not forgetting. There he had said what he had to say, he lowered his head again. He loved her but did not want to be the father to that child, there was someone else. Lucifer couldn’t hurt the child though.
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She let him rant, listening. So he was aware she was pregnant. Good. She felt a small stab of satisfaction that he knew and it rankled him. Her fingers stilled when he spoke about her newest habit, her palm flattening over the new wound as if to hide it. Her bi-colored eyes showed nothing as she looked into his eyes. Deep down she was hurt that his eyes were so cold, but she understood, in a way. After he was finished speaking, she allowed his words to digest. After a long, silent moment, she spoke quietly.
"I thank you for your honesty, Lucifer. Yes, it is true that I am pregnant with Haku's pups. I feel no shame in that, though. I am proud to bear his pups, actually. Just as proud as I was to bear yours. I will not apologize for that." She paused, considering her words about Iskata and him carefully. "Iskata has her prejudices, I have mine. There are members of this pack I would not have allowed in, had it been up to me, and yet she allows them in. She would not have allowed you in, excpet for that Taliesin and I are here. She would protect me, same as I would her. I do not blame her for that. She is hard on you because she doesn't want to see me hurt by you again. And perhaps she still holds what happened between you and Dierdre so long ago against you." She shrugged. "Your issues with her are not mine. But know this. With any other member, I would not have lifted them from the rank she assigned without first speaking to her. You are the first and only one I have done that for."
She paused again, unconciously smoothing the fur over the area where she had been picking at her skin. Now she looked away, in a sense giving him rank over her, had he been looking at her. "Everyone has something they do...I am not the first, nor am I the last to hurt myself. What i do, I do for my own reasons," she returned her gaze to his face and continued, "And it is my own buisness and no concern of yours. Yes, Akumu threw me out of Syemv for trying to kill myself. But here, I am leader and I make the rules." Her now steady gaze added, 'and don't you forget it, either.'
"I am glad you came back. It hurt me that you were only steps away from me, and didn't say goodbye face to face. That made me loose a lot of trust in you that I held. And then you came back so vastly different. You are not the one I fell in love with; he was stong and brave and wouldn't have let anyone intimidate him. Especially not some 'stinky girl,'" she added with a half smile.
Her smile faded, and her look became more stern. "I never asked Iskata why she'd placed you so low. Maybe I should have." The wordless threat was that it would be easy to put him back where Iskata had placed him in the first place. Only Deuce knew she wouldn't do that. Her emotions flowed across her eyes, making them flash. Regret, sadness, longing, love, lonliness. Her gaze finally settled on the ground between his paws in an expression of loneliness. "The only thing I ever really asked of you was to love me. I was too suspicious, I guess I killed the love you held for me once." Her voice firmed up and her expression changed to one of resolve. "But whether you love me or not, I will still bear Haku's pups with pride. He was there for me when I needed him most. Where were you when I needed you, Lucifer?"
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Lucifer watched her she tried to hide her pain be hide her rank, he narrowed his eyes down at her, If she wanted to toss her rank around that was fine but between the two of them she had told him to speak freely, and he was doing just that. The male wanted to laugh at her; she was trying to so hard not to show her feelings. But there was one thing for sure, she still wanted to have feelings for him, he took his paw and pressed it softly into her chest trying to lean her back, as he looked at her, he didn’t and wouldn’t shift up into a high forum. ”If I didn’t love you I would not put up with Iskata insulting me. I would not be hearing I would still be out trying to find my father. “ He did love her and would be there for her, but he wasn’t sure that he could love this child that she was with. He loved Shadow and still believed that Shadow was the one that got Lucifer and Deuce together.
”You and I where mates when you conceived our children, what is this Haku? Your dream man? Your one night stand? How do I know that you won’t run back to him once you and I start having issues. I don’t want to spend my time working to be that male you want me to be if your keeping him on the side for your dirty pleasure.” Lucifer’s blue eyes looked down to her stomach, could he love her while she had that thing attached to her? It was hard, he knew his father would, but he’s proven time and time again that he wasn’t his father. Lucifer sighed getting off of her and then sitting back, looking down at the ground thinking of what to say next.
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Lucifer questioned her? He had the right to, she decided, as she weighed how to answer the male she still loved. He touched her, and she wanted nothing more than to wrap her arms around him and hold him tightly, inhaling the scents of his fur. But she didn't, she just remained still, watching him. She answered him slowly, her word scoming out only after much thought.
"Haku is a dear friend, one whom I will never abandon. So many consider him to be evil, but I see the good that lays under his skin. If I ran to him, it would be for advice, not for 'my dirty pleasure'. He and I share something special, but we boh knew it would ever happen again after that night. He is not just a casual fuck buddy, he is one of my closest friends." She was rambling, albiet slowly. She returned her wandering focus on the issue at hand.
"Were you and I to get back together, I would be faithful to you, Lucifer, and I would demand the same." She knew his gaze was on her belly, and she sighed. "Does it bother you that much? Would it ease your mind to know I have herbs that will induce the body to miscarry?" She swallowed, then asked softly, "Would you have me do that for you, Lucifer?"
She didn't know what she would do if he said yes. She diodn't know if she would have the strangth to do that, to end lives that she held so precious. It wasn't like Firefly's unwanted (imaginary) pregnancy. These were pups she cherished, had already imagined and named a thousand times. Could she take the herbs to abort the pregnancy just to keep lucifer in her life? She didn't know if she could.
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Her hands did not touch him, as he would have hoped; there wasn’t even a softening in her eyes for him. She called him a dear friend, he wanted to laugh, but couldn’t the words stung him like a million snake bites, over and over, the poison was running though his vein from these bites but they were not kill him why? He was confused how a ‘dear friend’ can have sex with another one; this was the second time that she had acted on her feelings with him, not the full out love making, bumping and grinding, but lustful feelings. He knew better than to say a word, he just forced the lump in his mouth to go back into his stomach, where it should have stayed. ”If we where to get back together, I would be no more, nor no less faithful then what you would be to me, and my family.’ His lips played on the “if” as to employ that it wasn’t going to happen any time soon. Though he knew he was the one that cheated with Jasper. He still had feelings for him, but once he knew that Jasper picked someone else over him, he was done. It was still bleeding the cut he put onto Lucifer.
His legs shook as he stood there looking between her and her stomach, and back into the same pattern, sickened by what she had done. ”Yes it bothers me, and why the hell shouldn’t it? At least when I was sleeping around no one ever carried my child, other than my mate.” Maybe it was just pure dumb luck but only the times he mated with deuce that both time children came out of it, was there that sweet odor that drove him into a blank state where all he wanted to do was mate over and over again. ”Ye…eerrr……Well no I can’t make you. I don’t want you to have his pups, I don’t want you to harm your body with the herbs or any other way to abort them, but I don’t want them…they are not mine, Shadow wasn’t mine, but needed a father, they…don’t.” For once he thought he made somewhat logical sense. He didn’t want to be the one taking care of pups that didn’t need it, nor want it. He wanted the children to be from and of him, not some one night stand with a wonderful friend. Let alone Haku’s child.
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At least when I was sleeping around no one ever carried my child, other than my mate. That was like a slap in the face. She eyed him for a long time. "When I slept with him our mateship was already over, whether we admitted it or not. When I got pregnant with him, you were gone, and our mateship was long disolved." His next words made her feel a gentle wave of relief. At least she didn't have to make that choice.
"I never asked you to play father to these pups. I won't ask anyone to play father to them, except perhaps their actual father. If he so chooses. If not, I can and will be both mother and father, I have no problem with that."
Her words came back just as sharp as that he had let come out of his mouth. The male eyes scaled down to her bulging stomach. Still just looking at it, discussed him, she wanted to be a whore and sleep around with whomever she made the choice to sleep around with. He sneered just wanting it to disappear. ”While I slept around also while we, where apart, and I didn’t make a stunning woman turn into a whore.” His mane flared up standing up in his skins. ”I had no issues offering a father love to Shadow, or Jazper. I love you Deuce, damn it I do. I want to make a life with you, but blessed you’re not making it easy, sleeping with anyone willing to lay a seed in your belly.”
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She laughed, a brittle, bitter laugh. "So I'm a whore now? Because I slept with someone who actually cared about me and wanted to be around me?" This was not how she'd wanted this to go, not at all. Her voice hardened. "At least I didn't feel the need to fuck my leader's mate. I didn't need to sleep with someone while my mate was unable to perform. If I wanted to sleep around, I would. I'm not some cheap whore, willing to give it away no matter who it is there with me. You have no right to condemn me, whether I am pregnant or not."
Her hand rested protectively over her belly, silently reassuring the pups that she loved them no matter what was happening in her life. "If you wanted to make a life with me, you would stop condemning me for what I did while you were gone."
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He snarled looking at her, she had asked for him to speak freely, and he was doing just that, and now she yelled at him. He curled up his tail flicking his ears back, he wanted her to feel shame and every time he got close she pulled back and slammed him and had him feeling shame. He hated how she was able to do this. He raised his lips as his tail flicked side to side quickly without a care in the world right now, though she could just as quickly smack him down, or exile him out of the pack but he was doing just as he was told.
”I just don’t fucking get you anymore. You tell me to speak freely, and then you scold me for doing such. You’re not the damn women that I feel in love with...You’re much much worst. I give up Deuce; I have no issues being that stupid puppet on the string that you want. I’ll be that stupid thing that you want. You’ve fucking won!” He spat his words, he was done, he wasn’t able to do anything about what he had just said, and she wanted a puppet it was why she went for Haku wasn’t it? The male dropped to the ground laying there waiting on her to say something, for her to pull the next string.
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She stared at him, something cold and hurt in her eyes. As he laid down, she stood. As far as she was concerned this meeting was over. She pushed her hair out of her face, her gaze on his face. She felt sick and empty as she spoke. "I am not the only one who has changed, Lucifer. You are no longer the male whom I fell in love with. I never wanted a puppet, but an equal. Somone who would stand at my side no matter the cost to him. By coming here you started to do that...and then you stopped. I've killed myself with changes trying to make things better. I won't do that anymore."
She looked down at him, her bi-colored eyes distant, lost in her own heart. "You waltzed back into my life, like it's all gonna be alright. Don't you know how much it hurt? Passion comes and goes...but I would trade it all for one touch that was real. I only wanted something real...." She lookd own at him for a moment more, her tail curled around her leg umoving. Her voice was soft and held a twinge of sadness and guilt.
"My world was broken when I lost you. I don't know if it will ever be fixed."
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He laid there limp and submissive, he was not going to say a word, she could kick him around and beat upon his and he still wouldn’t utter a word, maybe a whimper but not a word would pass his jaws any more. She had change, she was willing to carry any one’s child, and in all honestly he was disgusted. He thought of Deuce as something that was not just to be used as a toy to sleep with, nor should just any male make her carry their child. Lucifer didn’t even look at her, he just lay there, and he was going to stick up to his words. The black male didn’t look at her, he knew doing that she would see his real feelings, how he felt about her deep in his heart, he wanted her, and needed her, but he didn’t want a whore. He muttered, nothing but submissive words to her, nothing but yes Ms. and No. Ms. Nothing more and nothing less. She wanted passion well he knew that there was males out there that would love nothing more than to lay with a whore, and she was just it.
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She looked down at him, then shook her head sadly. "Whatever you may think of me, I love these pups, lucifer, and I will never be ashamed of them, nor of carrying them. When you can accept that, maybe we'll have a chance." Her voice broke on the last few words, her throat becoming tighter. She swallowed hard and turned and walked away, leaving him alone in his submission.
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Submission was something that the black male was quickly becoming a master of doing, after so long of not having to worry about it; he was quickly coming around to the idea that he was no longer the male on the top no he was falling towards the bottom if anything. He was having to prove to be loyal to a pack, and show them that he was worth the trust that they were slowly placing in him, but his rank was not worthy of it, he was a bottom feeder. He knew the more submissive he was the more it seemed to upset Deuce, she wanted Lucifer to be able to look at her, and say clearly what was on his mind. Lucifer knew he could, however right now Lucifer was going to play low bottom feeder. Watching her walk away in a huff he knew that this was going to be the quickest way to get her to maybe see things his way, but without her being all leader point of view-ish.
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