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w/ love
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At first the coward drew its ugly heard from her depths, from which she had pushed it so long ago. It had been buried when she had become settled and secure in her place and rank, but as she thought of the possibilities that ran wildly through her mind it spoke once again. Run it said. Her brow furrowed as she screamed for it to be silent. There was no running, no wandering away from the fear that clung to her heart. Fear that crawled into her throat and clutched at her windpipe, making her breaths heavy.
Instead of running, she walked stiffly and was purpose. Her paws fell heavily in the light snow; it would have been more fitting if it were hard with ice, slowing and making her progress difficult. Instead it only softened her path, making her harsh paw steps unnecessary. The wind clipped her back, drawing her mane around her face and a chill down her spine. Even with all the hate that boiled in her stomach, it still froze her skin as it passed over her.
Where was she going? Even as she walked there was no true sense in her direction. Her only thought was to find the only wolf that would have any answers for her. Of course she wasn’t even sure she would be able to form a full sentence. The questions had jumbled her speech when she had spoken with her daughter, but still she had been able to make them sensible.
The entrance of their home cave came into view, sparking her awake. She had direction after all. The blue eyed fey approached the doorway, blinking hard Anu called out into the darkness. Nani? The name was forced, and held everything that had been bottled inside, even if only two syllables.
It was full of, why? The question was the biggest in the long list that only grew and grew as the seconds ticked away. Anger and sadness also mingled with her earnest questions. Anu needed to know, had to know. It was full of insecurity; her feeling of worthlessness only grew, making the need to flee just as large. It was full of fear, at most. Fear of loosing everything that she held dear, fear of pushing it away and fear of it being ripped out of the ties had been used to bind it to her heart.
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She couldn't believe how fast the pups were growing. Naniko had thought that bringing them up would be difficult, after helping to raise Davinci...but it seemed that Davinci had been the difficult one. Out of all of the pups, now, Brooklyn was seeming to be very much of a homebody. She stuck to the pallid wolf's side like a burr, but Nani didn't mind. She was teaching Brook a few things about the humans. Like reading, map-making...useful things that she had always wanted to know as a pup. The girl was very spirited, but there were times when she showed a calmer, serious side. "Yes, that's right. Now what place is this?" Naniko nodded approvingly as the youngster tapped the book page with her paw. "England. It is...a country across the sea."
The mother looked up when she heard her name. She would have recognized Anu's voice anywhere. "Coming! You can run off and play, if you want to. Or stay inside and read" She said to Brooklyn. Her daughter nosed the book shut, rising and coming up out of the den first. "Hello, Mama" She greeted the timberwolf cheerily, nosing her chin as she passed by. Naniko came up next. "Hello, Anu. How are you doing today?" She looked out toward where the other white wolf was going, then toward Anu once more. Brooklyn headed in the general direction of the lake, looking back to Naniko and Anu once before she disappeared amongst the snow.
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Her breathing had steadied, and it wasn’t till then that she realized how uneven it had been. Her chest no longer rocked up and down and her ribs had stopped aching. Still unable to enter the cave she merely stood in its entrance. A voice greeted her, but it was the figure of her daughter the she saw first. Her heart sunk, tears almost flooded her eyes and she reached down to touch the pups snow-white forehead in her typical greeting. It connected them, for a second and no more, but it rested her heart as well as fueled the fire that stoked her mind.
With the child gone Anu looked up to see the wolfess that had given her everything that she was, her white pelt, bright eyes full of fire and energy. Mati was Anu, and Brooklyn was Nani. There would be no doubt in that fact. Blue eyes looked to the wolf that she held so close to her heart she swore the alabaster female’s fingers had wrapped themselves around it. At the moment it was squeezed so harshly Anu was sure it would burst from the pressure, or simply disintegrated. Whichever came first.
Naniko’s voice was light, hanging gently in her ears. It was hard to be angry or even upset in the presence of her mate. It was what drew Anu towards her the moment they met, and it had kept them together ever since. It was only her fear that pushed through all of the other thoughts and emotions that she felt and reminded her of what she had sought her out for.
I don’t know. Honesty, the best way to explain how she felt. Anu took a breath, her eyes glistened with the prospect of tears, but she was stronger then that. Harder then the mush of a being she had once been, the timber colored fey stood her ground instead of withering away.
Tell me you haven’t seen him. She was suddenly looking downward, unsure when her eyes had fallen. She felt no shame in her question, but hide the rage that lingered in her eyes. Maybe it had all been a lie, maybe Mati had just been confused and there was no reason to even be there. No reason not to take her mate in her arms and just hold her until night fell and then till the sun rose.
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She didn't know what Anu was talking about. Something about the female's demeanor made Naniko feel like she was in a very tense situation. But she wasn't sure why. She looked back at the other wolf with a confused expression, her emotions written plainly across her face. Who could she be talking about? She hadn't really seen much of anyone lately, sticking around the packlands. If Conri did come around, then she wanted to catch him and chase him back out. She had thought that she'd smelled him a few weeks before...but the trail had led to a dead end.
"What are you talking about? I haven't seen anyone--I've been teaching Brooklyn." Surely Anu could see that; their daughter had just left!
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Lies, then it was all a lie. The thought passed through her mind but didn’t settle her. There was no way Mati would be untruthful. No way that she could have confuse a father with any other beast. The image of a shadowed figure blazed behind her eyes. No she had never see him, but she would know it when she did. For now he was only a faceless beast the haunted her dreams, searching for their children, and hoping to claim them as his own.
Him, Nani. her words were quiet but held a hard undertone. Her voice raised slightly she spoke again, Conri. Anu didn’t shout the name, but spat it out between her lips. She wanted to scream it at the top of her lungs, yell it till her voice gave way, but that would have only called him closer.
When, when did you see him? Had their Mati been holding this confusing truth for long? Afraid and unsure of what to make of it? Anu finally brought her eyes back to Naniko’s, looking up at the taller wolfess. Tell me… her voice was quiet even though she tried not to deflate completely. It would forever be a plea, even if she had tried to make it more of a demand.
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"I didn't see him on purpose." She said, a frown creasing her features. "We just ran into him. Do you really think I would endanger the pups by seeking him out? He has the right to know their names, but never to know them. And he'll never know them like we do, even if he wanted to. They're old enough to be out on their own, now, Anu--how long do you think it'd take until they ran into him? Now they...well, two of them...know who to avoid. Who's dangerous."
Why was this even a big deal? It hadn't been a friendly meeting; Naniko had been tense the entire time. "I saw him a few weeks ago. I don't have to tell you every single thing about what I do when I'm by myself. Or with my children." They weren't even Anu's children, not biologically. They could pretend that everything was fine and dandy...but Anu could never erase the fact that they had a father.
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They all stung, like she had stepped on a hornet’s nest. Each word bit her heart, one right after another. Some she knew were true, and still she wouldn’t nod her head in agreement. It was true, that they would now know his face, even in Anu didn’t, and they would be able to run from him. But now, he knew theirs. He would know whom to take, if the mood ever struck him. It was true, though she still couldn’t agree with it.
She was scared, so scared of loosing them to him. Scared that he would find them, and steal them away. She had no idea what his intentions might be, but he was certainly present in their lives and still all the facts weren’t being given to her. Without them she wouldn’t be able to protect them, and without knowing Anu couldn’t stop any of the tragedy that he had once caused.
There was no doubt Naniko was a strong wolf, stronger then she by far. And still Anu worried that she would be hurt. The greater worry was of loosing her. Loosing her to him, like Anu had never existed. It was hidden thought, subconscious and buried deep beneath the more pressing concerns. But it was present, continually maker her shamed and insecure.
Her last words bit the worst. No longer hornets, it seemed she had stepped on a viper. Its long needle like fangs buried deep in her heart, and fed the pulsing muscle its baneful venom. Seeping into her veins her knees became weak, and Anu fought the frail feeling knowing she couldn’t begin to falter.
It was obvious what she had meant by the words. Of course, Anu always knew that it would come to this. The fact that she wasn’t their true mother, and really anything more then the nanny. It hurt, so harshly that she didn’t know how to deal with the pain and pushed it far from her mind.
Weeks?
Her breath grew heavy, and her chest didn’t want to expand to let the precious air inside. Voice low she gritted her teeth and forced herself to meet Naniko’s eyes. No. He lost his rights, when he took yours. They rarely spoke of it, of how he stole her choice from her. If it was up to Anu the beast would loose his life, and they would be rid of him for eternity. And now he’ll know who to take. She should be crying at the thought of them being taken, but the tears just would not come. Only the fire burned in her chest, rising up and lacing her words. It made them sarcastic and bitter. Turning her from sweet to sour in an instant.
Her head gave a single solid nod, Your right, Her voice was suddenly less sullen. No need to concern the pupsitter with anything life altering . If this was the way Nani wanted to treat her, liking nothing more then someone to sleep beside, to watch and entrust the pups with as well as give a cute pet name, like momma, then she would leave. Still she couldn’t turn, her feet were cemented to the ground and only her face would turn away from the white wolfess.
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[html]  Naniko is going to just run off--one more post before then, or more??
She didn't know what to think. Did Anu think that she wasn't capable of protecting their children? She most certainly was! She would protect them from everything. Naniko didn't think that Conri would come anywhere near the packlands...and if he did see one of them out there...well, they were scared enough of him to run away. And big enough, now. Or to call out for help. If any of them turned up missing, she would know where to look. And if he wasn't there, then she would search and search until she found him.
"If that's how you want me to address you, then I will. I thought you were their mother--but you don't even trust yourself to look after them, I guess. Or me, obviously. What did you expect me to do? Just pretend that Conri didn't exist? You want them to hate me, don't you. Because if I didn't tell them who he was...or even tell them that they had a father...they would hate me! It's not their fault." She was more than angry now, words firing out one after another. "He's sick and he needs help. My Conri wouldn't do that to anyone! He's not being around anyone--he's staying alone out there while we keep his children hidden here in Crimson Dreams."
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drama-llama is my lover!
we can end here, or with ur next post, up to you!
Her frown deepened when she heard the mocking words, of course if she had wanted to just be a nanny, thats all she would have been. She had played the role of mother, doing everything that she could to raise them to be strong wolves and loving them ever step of the way. It hurt, and always had, knowing that some manic wolf would have precedence over her. No matter what she did, he would be more to them then she ever could be. There had been a time when she thought that she would be more, filling the role so that Conri could be only a faint notion, just a sentence in their long lives. But it was obvious that Nani wanted him to be much more.
Her words came quickly, but Anu caught each one. It wasn’t until she heard a particular word that her eyes turned to match Naniko’s. There was fire in them, deep and clear as Anu watched her. Blinking once she replayed the words in her head. Was there trust in her voice? Slowly she raised her head from its shoulder even stance. Every time the words reran through her head she got stuck on one. It pierced her heart, making her stomach drop and her throat close. Of course. Of course, there was the explanation.
My.
How could she trust him? Hes the one I don’t trust. The I exaggerated. Of course its not their fault, they did nothing. I want to be a part of these decisions. But cant if you don’t let me. she paused for a breath. Her tail shot strait out and fur on her hackles had started to rise in agitation. There was no way to hide how she felt. Her tone was deep and low, unlike the raised words she had previously spoken. She meant them, thought them so many times that they slipped from her mouth too easily. They tasted sweet, like telling a secret she had been holding for far too long.
He deserves to be alone. Your Conri deserves to rot in hell.
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"I didn't want to tell you about any of this...and now you can see why." She should have just ran away when Anu had first come up to her. Then she wouldn't have had to argue. She hated arguing! But she didn't think that Anu would understand how she felt unless she said it...unless she got it all out.
But things just weren't working out. She didn't want to keep arguing, to keep fighting with her mate like this. They had a difference of opinion...and that was how far it would go. She had to stop fighting. The girl gave her one last cold look before she turned away, bolting off into the woods in the direction that Brooklyn had gone.
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They all had baggage, though Naniko’s may have been larger then hers. Anu had fallen in love with Nani, suitcases and all. She had thought that they were always on the same page when it can to Conri. But she had been wrong. Blue eyes searched the other female’s face. She looked for anything that would tell her if she still loved him. But the anger on her face made it an impossible task. All Anu found was the disappointment and the unhappiness that she had brought.
She had wanted to forget that their children had a father. Anu wanted to be enough for them that they would never need another parent. But if her mate couldn’t forget him, then neither could their family. It would be the best for them, to understand where they came from, but also that they were born away from their father for a reason.
There was no stopping her, and Anu couldn’t even bring herself to try. She stood planted, her paws cemented to the cave’s floor, the large white figure brushing past her with ease. Looking down at them once the white fey had passed her she found that only her two front paws had even made it into their home. And still Anu had managed to destroy everything that had been her life’s blood. The energy drained from her, the anger and the disappointment left her when Naniko did.
Left with emptiness Anu was void of all the feelings that had been arisen from within. Moments passed before she could move from the entrance, her back turning to the cave and her eyes filling with tears. Her trail was fresh and distinct, temping Anu to follow, but she ran away from it. Where had the tears been before? When they might have brought sympathy from her love?
Paws took her swiftly over the snow, nose pointed in the direction of the wasteland she hated. The wind took the tears, washing them from her face and ridding her of them forever. Never again would it come to this, she determined to correct the thing that plagued them. It would be best, if they were all rid of it forever.
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