[html] Come get yo' crack, girl!
p. Anu. 300+
Sunset colors bathed the sky and ocean below it as Geneva reflected on the last few weeks. Her life had changed so dramatically, she felt as though her head was still reeling from all the recent events. But oddly, she had never felt more at peace. The struggle, the clash, the rush. Everything seemed so intense, like looking into the flame. It used to be that she'd feel the need to step away, to quiet her mind and observe from afar. But now it seemed that little by little, every day she readied herself to make the leap from the frying pan and into the fire.
She had returned to the scene of the crime, although she wasn't sure why. The lighthouse was as she remembered - her alcohol addled memories hadn't been far off the mark. Rounding the stairs, she'd come once again to the top room, filled with dust and the relics of an age long dead. The gray wolfess trailed her fingers along the grooves along the desktop, leaving paths in the thick dust that had settled there. It tickled her nose as it flew into the air. She held her breath to keep from sneezing. It wasn't long until she felt the tickling in the back of her throat and she gave up, retreating to the outward deck.
She found that she held her breath as the salt-kissed wind swirled around her, bringing the cold breath of winter. At least the air was clean out her, although it stung her lungs. In the dying rays of light, Geneva's lime green eyes unerringly sought and found the bottle resting on the railing of this look out tower. She watched it intently, her face thoughtful as the last few weeks replayed in her mind like an old black and white film.
She had thought long and hard about that first night, had struggled with it and lost sleep, and had once again sought the bottle. And all the while, she had been searching for an answer. She'd endured hang overs, headaches, and humiliation at the mercy of the devil's drink. And she had found her answer. That the part of her she had already come to accept, to cherish as a link inside herself, a part of her that reached out to another in ways she had never known possible, had been there all along. And that what she felt for Anu was true, was deep, and had nothing to do with that blasted drink whatsoever. With resolute steps, Geneva approached the bottle and it had seemed to have lost its luster. She held it in her hand for a moment, her fingers brushing over the label, before she flung it out to sea.
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is it an addiction if it’s the first thing I do when I wake up? Ill tell you how much I loved that post later…
Sleep so heavy that she hadn’t dreamed, nor, as she blinked it from her eyes, believed that she was still alive. She must be dead; to have fallen into slumber within the walls of the dilapidated shack just as dawn broke. The fey must be dead, for her head to be so quiet, for her nightmares to have evaporated. She was sure it was death that had sought her out, not the pure joys off restful sleep. The wind beaten thing was a place of decay, seated among the dunes it neither rested among or atop the sands, but burred deep within. But still breaths called to her nose, her chest rose and fell, and the pounding heart beat on.
Eyes opened, blue gray orbs blinked sand from their corners and she attempted to take in the sight of her future. If it weren’t death she had come to, it would certainly be hell. It was all she deserved. Sitting on the shack’s cold floor she pressed a hand against her chest, feeling the pounding organ that lay beneath it. It hurt; tired from the strain it constantly felt. Still it held her together, kept her form dieing among the rotten wood. The fibers of her being would stay woven together as long as she could feel its beating.
The air was heavy, to thick for her to breath. Her heart quickened, as she realized that she wasn’t dead. Thoughts poured, raced into her brain that her body could keep up. She clawed her way out of the shack, ripping the door from its loose hinges and escaping into the late day’s air. Her lungs expanded, taking in the sweet cold air. The rush stung her chest, but still it felt so sweet everywhere else. Her brain grew numb, letting her forget that she lay on the beach and giving her a reprieve from its endless berating.
Her heart slowed, though its still beat heavily as always. Minutes passed, and she was able to return to her feet. She walked, slowly at first, until her pace quickened into a run. It felt like sleeping, and maybe even death. Her body pumped her full of the chemicals she liked best, letting her forget. Where she went didn’t matter, at least not yet.
It stood in the warm sky, wrapped in the blanket of sky the descended sun created. Her god was a selfish one, merciless and unforgiving. It taunted her, punishing the female for sleeping during its rein. Night would come, to shadow the tower she stood beneath, as well as everything else. Gray eyes watched as it began to leave her, a theme all things close to her began to follow. Hiding from it would be her only defense. She entered the light house, seeking the dark and embracing the night that would surely come.
It wasn’t a place she believed she would return to, but as she ascended the stairs and placed a paw against its rough wall it felt more comforting then she ever thought possible. The scene played out in her head, vivid in technicolor. She was there that night, all over again. If only it had been different. The picture so alive in her thoughts that she could even smell the female of her imagination. Step after step she took and the memory was more alive then any other. Anu walked slowly, through the room that had held their courage. Now she knew she was here, it wasn’t a figment any longer but a reality. Quiet, even the beating of her heavy heart didn't fill her ears, Anu left the dust and entered the new air.
Maybe this was death. Maybe she was still in the shack, on her back ready to be washed away with the decaying timber or enveloped by the dune’s sands. The reaper could have come for her, and this was only what came after her breath stopped. Was this what she would see when her time had come? Maybe this was it.
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[html] The first thing I did this morning was check this to get my fix. Hi, I'm Gwen and I've been an addict for ____
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Geneva turned at a sound. It was quiet, nearly an imperceptible change from the winter winds, but it was there. It was hard to focus in the gloom, but lime green eyes adjusted to the play of shadow. Darkness parted to reveal the figure of a woman, as if she had stepped out of memory and out into the air. She might as well have, for all the time that Geneva had spent replaying that evening in her head. The woman herself looked as though she was walking in a dream herself.
But that wasn't quite right either. The gray wolfess's brows drew together and she tried to find the difference. But as the figment strode forward, she realized that this wasn't a product of her imaginings at all. She stayed rooted to the ground and found her breath imprisoned in her chest. The look on Anu's face was indescribable. The more she thought on it, the more she realized that this creature before her bore very little resemblance to the woman she knew. It seemed as though grief or something of that nature had cast a veil over her and masqueraded in her body.
The woman's eyes were a dull grey instead of the vibrant blue Geneva could recall more easily than the color of the sky. The entire world could be drained of color if that meant that the sparkle in those blue eyes would return again. Their eyes met across the distance, and Geneva felt as though looking into Anu's eyes, she was looking into a dead sea. Vast, endless, and empty. The breath left her shakily.
Something was wrong, terribly wrong.
And she felt herself torn again. She let her hand rest against the railing to steady herself. With the other, she reached for the woman whose beauty was devastating. "Anu..." she intoned, but any other words she might have said were cut off by the sudden surge of movement. Behind her, the beam she rested on had cracked. Splinters of wood flew through the salt-licked wind. Her arms wheeled once before she could no longer feel the ground beneath her feet and her head titled back to view eternity in the sky before gravity took hold...
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As black and white she might seem, the woman Anu looked at was the exact opposite. Eyes saw the color of the setting sun, the orange and red around her. It seeped into her fur, melting with the fringes of her mane and becoming an extension of her being. Green eyes complimented the warm tones perfectly; growing larger and brighter the longer she stood watching. Her grey fur was anything but. It hid the colored of the blue ocean, the white of the surf and the sands that it beat against. She was as clear as the past Anu had remembered, and as the other spoke her name her soul jolted awake. She began to realize that she wasn’t dead. Anu was far from it.
Geneva. The name hardly passed lips when the look on her face changed. So dramatically that the fur on the back of her neck rose instantly. The railing had broken beneath her, the rotten wood giving in after decades of abuse. The next events happened so quickly that Anu would never remember exactly how they occurred.
She took three steps, long leaps from the doorway toward her. Arms outstretched her claws flexed, looking for something to hold onto. Anu yelled her name but the words didn’t come to her own ears. The only noise she heard was the pounding of her heart, it was back again, pushing blood to every inch. Blood the screamed for her. Every inch screamed, every fraying fiber yelled for her. Anu finally heard the name she yelled, but not in her own voice.
Light colored paw reached, grasping the arm that hung out in the darkness. With strength that came from places she thought had withered away, Anu pulled. Feet planted on the deck she clenched her teeth and grasped the other arm that threatened to disappear into the night.
Eyes opened, blinking only once. She was unsure when they had closed or how long they had stayed that way. Chest rose and fell rapidly, taking in the night air greedily. Her heart was silent, calm and though fast it beat with a gentle rhythm within her chest. Blue orbs met those that had almost been lost forever, taking them in as greedily as she did the air around them. Her face was warm, the blood back in her cheeks and her eyes were clear for the first time in days.
Claws clung to Geneva. Some fingers held to her forearm, while others grasped the fur of her back. Her small body was solid, holding onto her with a firm will Anu was certain that she had never possessed before. The winter wind could rage, the tower sway or even crumble against the rocks on which it was built. She was unmoving. Her voice was quiet, and the single word was more then just that. It held Anu as tightly as she held the other wolfess. It clung to her throat, it held her heart, raised her soul and made her grateful to not be decaying in the shack that was death.
Geneva.
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The stars were coming out. Through the cloud cover, Geneva could make out the beginnings of silvered light in the winter skies. In the fraction of seconds it took for gravity to mold to her body and pull her, she felt regret that the last thing she might ever see would be these stars instead of Anu. The slightest amount of time was all she needed to conjure up an image of Anu's face the first day they had met at Cottontail Valley. Specifics were cloudy, with soft edges and blending colors. But Anu's brilliant blue eyes stood out in stark contrast. Her last thought was that Anu put each and every star in every galaxy to shame.
She hoped that the vision of those blue eyes would follow her down as she closed her own.
The peace that enveloped her shattered abruptly. The freeze-frame quality of time disappeared and suddenly everything sped up. She felt how cold the wind was at her back, and the slivers of the broken wood that whipped and cut at her calves. She felt the strain of her body as someone, something enveloped her. The feeling started at her arms. And suddenly the ease in her muscles turned to tension. She had given herself over to the fall, embraced it as inevitable. But it seemed that wasn't to be as her body bent forward, toward solid ground and equilibrium.
The world spun around, had tilted on its axis as she felt solid ground beneath her feet again. She found she couldn't stand on her own. Trembling, she wrapped her arms around whatever or whoever had pulled her out of the void. And blinking, she found a heartbeat against her body, racing as her own. She raised her stricken face from the warmth of that thundering heartbeat and found those blue eyes staring straight into hers.
She heard the woman say her name. And it was possibly the most beautiful, most terrible sound she had ever heard. She felt as though her voice had been torn from her throat and just stared at Anu for several long moments. She clung to her as though she was the last solid thing on Earth. And maybe for Geneva, she was.
"I thought I'd never see you again," she said in a hoarse whisper, still shaking.
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ooohhh nooo
Each breath was soft, easy going in and soft coming out. The longer she looked, the slower her heart became. This wasn’t right, wasn’t what she believed to be her true self, it was different. She held her still, her arm wrapped around Geneva’s back. Solid. Forever solid. The air between them was warm, sinking pleasantly into her lungs. Her scent lanced each breath, sweetening it as it entered her. Eyes remembered to blink, though as soon as they closed she pushed them open again. Anu refused to keep her eyes off the other wolf’s face. Never again would she look away.
The past between them was history, the moments filled with shameful feelings, embarrassment and guilt. Anu would forget them; only to remember how it was this moment. Never again would she waste a moment pretending not to feel how she felt with her arms wrapped around the wolfess. All the times she had looked away, refusing to take in the sight she held still before her would never be repeated.
Geneva voice shook, and gave her fear away. It filled Anu, as she felt the beating of the other’s heart against her own. It only made her arms soften and her muscle weaken. Her words were filled with regret, or grief or both. They filled Anu too. She tasted them, matching them against those that she held in her heart. They were very much the same. Anu no longer gripped the fur against her back, and the hand on her arm no longer clutched the muscles of her arm.
Instead her palm was flat, cradling the small of her back. Though her actions weren’t as desperate as they may have been, Anu held her with no intention of letting go. She would never want to think of such a thing, never seeing her again. It squeezed her heart, threatening to crush it. Tear welled in her eyes, threatening just the same to flood over her eyelids. Fighting them she squeezed the arm she had let go, reminding her of how permanent they were at that moment.
That thought again, of loosing her, flashed over her blue eyes. The tears filled, her heart stopped and she began to hold tighter. The sweet breath was harder, and she fought to keep her own voice from shaking. No, I wouldn’t let that happen. Feeling began to return to her body, and she realized that Geneva held her just as she did. Their was desperation in their bodies, a need to hold on that stretched beyond the platform on which they stood.
I love you. she spoke in a soft slow exhale.
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Everything about Anu got softer, her breathing slowed and so did her heartbeat. Geneva followed the change in her breathing, patterning it after Anu's instictively. Her heart slowed, but she could still feel the rhythm of Anu's heart where they still touched. She closed her eyes and just listened to it. She used it as an anchor until her trembling stopped. Lifting her eyes to look into Anu's beautiful face once more.
Lime green eyes widened and flew to her mouth as her mouth formed words she never believed she'd hear. With wide eyes, she watched as her mouth formed the words. And before she knew it, her lips formed around the same syllables. "I love you too."
Geneva couldn't lie to save her life, so she didn't bother trying. The words had come unbidden, imprinted on her soul to cast a light whenever she gazed upon those beautiful blue eyes. And as much as she yearned to know the truth of them, to explore their deeper meaning with this woman, she couldn't.
The words of a promise loomed inside her heart and blurred her vision with tears. She wanted to be selfish, to enfold and lose herself in Anu. To hold her into eternity and never let her go. But more than anything else - more than a friend, more than wolf, more than a woman in love - Geneva was a woman of her word.
She disengaged from Anu gently, reaching once to touch her face and brushing gentle fingers along her jaw and under her eyes. It felt like fighting gravity. Because if love was anything like falling, falling was like this. Still, she fought against that force, and pulled away resolutely.
She shuffled back a step, then two. But she could still feel the warmth of Anu's nearness against her body and the sweetness of her breath in her face. With a trembling breath, she exhaled slowly and smiled wanly. "If I promise not to do that again, will you tell me what happened today?" she asked, trying to dispel the tension. The boundaries were back in place, order was restored, but all the walls of Geneva's soul had come down. There was no use in hiding anything from Anu anymore. It would be impossible now.
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The three words were true, though there meaning obscure. Anu wouldn’t have let that happen because she loved her. But was it the way she love Naniko? Or the puppies? Was it the way she loved the sun, or the first flower blossom in spring as well as the pride that followed? Was it her mother’s love? Or was it the growing warmth she felt in her chest the second she saw her? Anu didn’t know. It couldn’t be categorized like all the rest. It was different; it held her being together the moment it threatened to unravel. Anu loved her, and as much as she wanted to act upon it she didn’t know how.
The sun had fallen, leaving the two females encased in the darkness of night. It’s cold threatened them, as the placid and pale moon looked from above. The winters grip reached for them, icy fingers threatening to wrap around them and send shivers across their skin. Invisible to the eye, she felt their defense. It radiated from their skin, pulsing and pushing the cold so that they stood in their own form of spring. Around them the dark settled, stars dotted the black curtain of sky. They shone so bright in the cloudless atmosphere she could have reached out to touch them. If only she had been looking.
Stars could be seen in the liquid pools of lime sky that were Geneva’s eyes. Dark moons sat in their middle, while the deep pools showed Anu all she needed to know. How had she not noticed? Seen the way they changed with the feelings that the woman held within. They were beautiful, the color of newborn blades of grass or the leaf of a young flower. Not a rose, those leaves were dark and stems littered with thorns, but a lily. It needed to be nurtured, from soil to blossom. Never did it threaten to pierce fingertips, only provide all the pleasure a flower could give.
Geneva looked away, but truth exited her mouth. Anu had known already, it had been written in the eyes Geneva had hidden away. There were tears clouding them, as they clouded her own. Even with previous knowledge Anu still basked in the words she heard. Then Geneva moved away, backward steps that made Anu nervous. She held on, holding on arm until she was sure that she would be safe on the platform. Her hand released Geneva, moving to her own stomach and feeling the heat that had resided between them.
Blue eyes stayed locked, even if she hoped to run from her gaze. Anu wouldn’t look away. Was the promise never to fall, or to never let Anu embrace her? Was Geneva saving Anu from her own weakness? It took an iron will to keep from reaching out towards her, every fiber to not simply ask for her. You don’t need to promise me anything. Anu smiled softly.
Her smile disappeared left with something resembling her previous demeanor. She would rather not talk about what had happened, it was painful and the wounds were deep and raw. I went to the city last night, because Naniko and I fought, about him. There. Plain and simply put. But as she searched for more then what Geneva wished to tell, Anu couldn’t keep from speaking the truth. I went to see someone, and… The words wouldn’t come to her, wouldn’t pass her throat. It closed, and she fought to breathe. Geneva would hate her, if she knew the truth. Still no lie would come to her, Anu wouldn't deceive her. All she could do was stand in silence.
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A sigh, shaky and small, escaped her lungs through barely parted lips. She didn't trust herself to speak at this moment, or the next or the next. It seemed that alone, words come flitting to her like clouds of butterflies. But being with Anu stole her speech, her reason. She had to cling to that promise like an anchor. But at times, she felt as though the anchor of her words was a waste. Being with Anu was like being immersed in a beautiful sea of feeling, warmth and sunlight sparkling all around her. If she were to let go of that anchor, to float away and let the tide carry her, she knew that she would likely drown. And at times, she didn't care. And she knew that that was selfish, which was what stopped her every time. She wanted to know the taste of the truth of those words. But that knowledge would take pieces of each of them, little deaths in different part of their lives. Geneva would kill to keep the hurt from Anu's eyes and was not willing to risk any part of her.
I love you, she had said. So simple, so short. It barely took a breath to utter those words. But it took every fiber of Geneva's being not to react to them.
She held that knowledge close to her heart, a foolish, desperate warmth to hide within the shadows of her soul. It was difficult, but she found it worth the burden. To hide what might have lit her entire being up like a star at its zenith, to relegate it to the shadows would wear on her eventually, but she would learn to love that pain. In quiet, in secret, without complaint. Her lime green eyes shifted to Anu's face. It was worth it. She was worth it. She would endure in the dark, quiet hours, shielding a white-hot star like a candle against the wind. It was worth it, to have any little part of her. Geneva would take whatever Anu was willing to give of herself and acknowledge it as a treasure..
She watched her face intently, saw that ravaged look appear again. She felt everything go still, quiet and dead in the air as Anu's admission hung in the air. The shame in her face was so strange. Geneva believed that Anu's face was made for that secret smile, the light that danced in her eyes. Her features seemed tailor made for the joy there whenever one of her children was around. The guilt, the grief seemed so out of place. She wanted to reach, to touch her face to erase the look there. Instead, she let her hands hang loose at her sides.
She cocked her head consideringly, replaying the words in her head again before she spoke. She looked into Anu's face, and her voice was soft, but threads of steel resided there. "You could never, ever do anything to make me ashamed of you," she said. There was confidence in her voice. She believed that wholly and completely. "Anu, tell me what happened. All of it. There has to be some sort of resolution."
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<3 the next dose of crack will be better... i promise
Small words came to her memory, as she noticed where they stood. Of course they had been here before. With her adrenaline low she was able to remember. Go back to the colored memory she had been replaying the moments she had walked up the stairs. The two small words that she had said, so different then the three that hung in the air between them, Anu wanted to rip them from their history rip them apart and cast them into the deepest part of the ocean. Then go. As much as she had wanted to push Geneva away at that moment, she wanted to embrace her now.
Would Anu ever know the pain that lived within her? There was a chance she would never know how much Gevena hurt. The pain the dwelled in her own chest was different, it was the ripping of her heart, its fibers unwilling to lace and separate its only other option was to tear. If she focused on it, as did when attempting to clam its beating she could feel it, it caught her breath and threatened to consume her entire chest. And still, she returned again and again, stitching it one thread at a time. She wouldn’t remain broken, her heart two beating entities. Whole, was how her heart would be, in time.
There was a comfort in the sound of her voice. Even though the words were ones Anu had needed to hear for longer then she wanted to admit the mere sound made her heart beat easily. Finally it was at ease. In any other voice, she would have had a hard time believing the words, there was always something that she could do. Including the things she had done in the past two days. But between them, there was always honesty. Anu would never second-guess her, as she would never look away or be ashamed by the feelings that came to her when she did so.
I was so scared that he would come for them. Take them. The thoughts ran from her mouth, making little sense. Nani still trusts him, I know she does. So I went to a coyote that lives in the city. He, he’s always looking for trouble. I gave him Conri’s name. she paused, unsure if any was even understandable. Did she know of Conri, the rape and how the pups came to be? Would she understand that Anu was only doing the one thing she knew would work? She was close to tears, but stood still against the wall of the deck. Wind took her mane to draw across her face, hiding what she hoped weren’t tears. She needed strength; she needed to living with what had happened.
He raped her, you know. Her last words brought pain to the surface, but it wasn’t for Naniko. As much as it shouldn’t have been it was the pain Anu placed between them. It was the hurt that she had given Geneva, the pain that fallen on them when they stood in the winter’s snow. It was the pain Geneva felt every time she saw Anu, and the pain of her love. It flowed to Anu as easily as the wind that whipped through the gap they kept between their bodies. It was what brought light streams of tears down her cheeks. To think that this was how Geneva might feel. All the things she had done. All the pain that had and would be caused.
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Anu's words were the only sound that hung between them, aside from the rasp of the wind against the old wood. It seemed as though the atmosphere was heavy with salt, with the feelings that weighed Anu down. She could feel that weight on her own shoulders. She wondered how Anu could bend, could bend and not break under that horrible weight. It was astonishing, the way her eyes had changed within the span of breaths. She could see the change perceptibly. It was like the difference between the moon and sun, night and day. A frown furrowed her eyebrows as she turned her words over in her head.
Geneva had had no idea that Anu and Naniko's children were the product of rape. Or that Naniko had been raped at all. She thought back on all the times she had seen the white Commander, and that hadn't been very many. She didn't seem like a victim at all. In fact, she was a pillar of strength that everyone leaned on. At least, everyone was dependent on the foundation she had made out of Crimson Dreams.
"No one will take the puppies, Anu," Geneva said at last, steel in her voice. The sound of her voice was unfamiliar to her. She had spoken in such a quiet, harsh tone. A threat, a promise to anyone who would dream to tear the family asunder. "No one will let Conri, or anyone else, take any of them away." And of this, she was absolutely positive.
Conri. She had never heard the name, never dreamed that the father of the puppies would come into the picture. And it seemed that it wasn't a very pretty one with him in it, distorting and stretching colors and shapes, turning beauty into something else entirely. "We need to keep the children safe. But are such measures...completely necessary?"
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Why was it always about her? Anu would have shaken her head to answer her own question, because it shouldn’t have been. But her head remained strait, eyes watching as always. Geneva gave and gave, her forgiveness, her love, her acceptance, her honesty. Her heart. Anu wasn’t able to give her anything, only the forbidden love and the weight of her illicit deeds. All the things that radiated from her, all the emotion and the passion that ripped holes in her skin and shone from her body and warmly onto Anu were the most beautiful gifts. And everything she held herself burned her skin, pleading for release, begging to just a few brief moments in the cool winter air. To taste the sweetness that lingered over Geneva’s form.
As second ticked by, time so slowly that everything around them stopped. Anu couldn’t let the wall fall. Moment by moment and still her skin weakened and tore. The light and heat would flow, even if she knew it was wrong. Even if she knew that it would hurt Geneva even more then she did already. For the smallest time she would be able to give herself, completely and without guilt. Just for the smallest of moments Anu would give everything. Show her that her love was true, whatever the meaning behind it, show her that it didn’t always need to hurt.
But still…
Anu kept her heart complete, one single piece. Scarred, but still whole. It was her kindred spirit, one that made her sin ignite, one that only need to brush past her to heart flutter that held it. And still… Anu could choose, she could force herself to be what she needed to be. Her world would continue to turn round, whatever choice had been made. If he died, or lived it would go on. Until her last breath the world would turn, and then it would go round, just with out her. It was selfish to believe that there was anything more important then how things had been. Anything more important then making those she loved happy. None of was about her, it couldn’t be.
Her words pushed, almost touching her physically. Was she telling her an obvious truth or did she stake a claim in making it truth? Anu couldn’t tell. She flinched at his face, and her eyes almost fluttered away from the sight of her face. She weakened, before growing stronger. Such measures? There was nothing more important. Did Geneva hope trust in him too? It was an insane thought and still it passed through her head. Looking, Anu searched her face to find the answer. Still… Anu couldn’t find anything. Nothing but the acceptance that Geneva always offered. I thought. I just thought I had to do something.
Wave after wave of guilt, pain, and shame washed against her placid form, eroding her grainy figure and beating her incessantly. It frothed and foam like a high ocean tide, reaching out and dragging each single layer into the deep that it had originated from. Only she didn’t feel it. She knew they came and hit her but a veil shielded her from the surge and in its place she only saw Geneva.
She reached up and touched the wetness of her cheek, suddenly feeling foolish. A halfhearted laugh left her throat and an outstretched palm wiped the tears from her face. Her back felt the support of the building that stood behind her, and for a moment she wished that it wasn’t there to hold her. It was then that she broke her gaze, her promise to herself and secretly to Geneva. Her eyes went nowhere important, touching the dark sky behind her or even the floor on which they stood. What they missed was far more significant. They didn’t see the deep emotion in her eyes, the pain that she hid, and the seriousness that her words held. For once a wave fell across her skin.
What would you have done? Her words pushed back, holding the same bar of metal that lined Geneva’s. Her eyes returned, before the next wave could hit, no doubt laced with disgrace. Never should she question Geneva in such a way, but still her anger surfaced and as usual overshadowing her reason.
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She could feel the weight of every emotion playing on Anu's face, as if there were lead within her own heart. It felt as though there was more than just the salt-tinge on the wind to weigh down the atmosphere. There was a physical side to the this, and Geneva could just barely make out the edge of something unbearable. It was palpable, radiating off of her in agonizing waves. Geneva could only imagine what it would be like to be at the center, a dark core inside Anu that was surely eating her whole. What else could put a look like that on her angel face?
Her anger came in a rush, and it wasn't at all unexpected. Although her outburst seemed to have surprised herself, Geneva knew better. Desperation and guilt could transform so quickly, and that transformation usually wore anger's face. Anger was a predictable manifestation. She could tell from the mixture of emotions on Anu's face, even as she challenged her, an edge to her words, hard lines in her body, that she was at war with herself. Anger wasn't at home with the woman. It made sense that negativity would emerge that way, though, for two reasons. First, she knew that Anu felt as though her back was against the wall. And second, anger was like fire - quick, hot, deadly, but ultimately exhaustible.
It took all she had - and perhaps more - not to crumble and offer Anu comfort, open her arms wide and hide her from the world. But Geneva knew that the fire of her anger needed to burn, needed to expand and explode outside of Anu. She knew that if she held it within herself, her insides would crumble to ash and she would choke on the black smoke. Geneva would offer herself as fuel for that fire, become the target of the white hot heat if that meant it would leave Anu. It was all she had to offer.
She waited, quietly, for several minutes. The question had been so poignant, but Geneva didn't answer it. Instead her lime green eyes traced over Anu's forlorn frame. She wished she could lift the weight, but she knew that it was a burden only Anu could bear. It was a burden she'd have to give up herself, when she could stop clutching the black pieces of anger, guilt, remorse and hatred so closely to her heart.
"Did you know, she began, and her voice was soft, blending with the hushed tones of the wind, "most incidents of sexual abuse occur with the assailant being someone the victim is familiar with? A friend, a family member, a lover." Her eyes were dry as she spoke, not knowing whether or not she was just rending deeper holes in her friend's heart. She didn't want to think about it. She took a breath, "You said his name is Conri. You know his name."
Distance stretched between them, and she yearned to close it, but refrained. "I don't know what happened. I don't know Naniko." And she didn't. The Commander seemed strong, but she was distant. She was a constant, a shadow in Geneva's mind that she couldn't completely picture. "But I know that she loves those puppies, and I know she loves you." How couldn't she? How couldn't anyone not love everyone who made up that family? She loved each and every one of them already.
"Remember that. Do what you think is necessary. But remember that the love at the heart of things motivates every action. I know you acted out of love, but look through the anger in your heart. Make sure you're making the right choices." The things at stake were far too precious to gamble. Geneva would never doubt Anu, but she knew how anger could twist things - hearts, minds - and morph thoughts and actions into unrecognizable and irreconcilable sins. She wanted to spare Anu that, if she could.
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I knew a girl, Her name was truth, She was a horrible liar.
Her tears were useless, pitiful and full of shame rather the sadness. They no longer flowed, but their stream thinned and stopped. It made he face cold to the wind’s kiss and a shiver threatened and teased to touch her spine, but her rigid stance kept her from shaking. The tares in her skin still burned, but the warmth was replaced with the flames that fueled the hate in her heart. Burning her, from her stomach through her chest in into her throat. She didn’t want to listen. To keep the words from entering her mind, and making sense.
But there was no stopping them, they touched her and settled in her heart. The more she said the louder it’s beating, the heavier the pounding. It filled her ears, a constant rhythm for the backdrop of Geneva’s words. With the fire inside and the throbbing she felt like it would explode, a small hand reached to her chest holding it, calming it. What she said shook her; they were horrible thoughts and lies. If only they had been spoken by any other wolf then they could have been true to their nature. Instead through her voice they came steadily and pleasantly with only honestly to back them.
The miles grew, and Anu almost couldn’t see her. Just moments ago they had been pulling each other closer and closer, now they only pushed. Her head began to clear, though anger replaced everything that Geneva raised within her. It as obvious that she understood, things that Anu hadn’t been able to forgive herself for, but part of her didn’t want Geneva to just understand. She wanted more from her, more that she could allow her own heart to give, but her selfish being needed it. Just knowing how greedy she had turned and how painful their relationship had become milled with all the guilt and disgrace.
Anu waited, letting the voice be taken by the wind. It was hard to know the emotion that laced her speech, but Anu found no comfort in its sound. She waited, hand over her chest and her heart like slow motion machine gun shots. Every sentence had been rational, making perfect sense. Anu envied that clear mind she possessed, to know what to say and how to say it. She wished her words came so easily and that her emotion didn’t lace every thought and syllable.
Trying, Anu waited. Maybe if she just paused and didn’t look. She focused on planked flooring, though her avoiding sight may have made her look even more guilt filled, it was only to center herself. The wave that was a constant threat hit when her eyes were not filled with the sight of the other fey. But she embraced it knowing it was what she deserved, at the least.
I’ve never hated anything, like I hate him. A confession, pure and simple. Words that needed to said aloud, unable to be locked within any longer. She had never hated anything, not like this. I haven’t even met him The words were softer, but held the same volume of emotion. Her anger and hate were ugly things, tainting her very being. She didn’t want to be mad at Geneva, she had been anything but just seconds ago. Still there was no stopping her from feeling what came.
Whats the right choice? Her own voice surprised her. Her head with the rage, the jealousy that she felt for all the focus and calm Geneva possessed. It was backed with the fire that she held, and shot by the gun that pumped her blood through every vein. Her head screamed it; her voice was cracked and raw after they were spoken. Her fingers shook, and her eyes stung once again with tears, but they were only from the heat in her face. If she had the answers, to everything, then she would know how to answer this. There was no skirting around it. The word’s foundation was miles wide and worlds deep.
And still they were lighter then air.
Whispers, quiet and full of things that Anu though had been squashed from her soul. Hushed, delicate petals to the lily Geneva was to her. All the things they meant to be, only clung to the edges of her fur. They were every bit as vulnerable that Anu was and only embarrassed her further. Still Anu needed to know. Geneva would have the answer, to all of this. She was lost, without her.
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[html] I was caught in between all you wish for and all you need. I picture you fast asleep. A nightmare comes, you can't keep awake.
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Geneva found it hard to breathe as Anu fixed her with that wounded blue gaze. The look on her face held such sadness, such self loathing. And that alien thing, hatred, twisted her features too. It was hard to see Anu this way, but Geneva met her face unflinchingly. Although the intensity of these emotions put a strain on the other woman, and made her seem almost unfamiliar, Geneva found that she could not look away. She couldn't see Anu for anything but what she was, beautiful. And God, was she beautiful.
And the way she laid her soul bare before her was frightening and humbling. She watched, helpless, as Anu stripped herself down to the core of her anger. The confession that left her mouth was harsh, all bright with hard edges. But it was truth and flowed through her with such powerful force for so few words. Her admission held the heat of her anger, the darkness she had held within herself for so long. Geneva welcomed it with open arms, let it pass through her into the night air. There was no reason to hold on to it. She hoped that Anu would unclench the chokehold she had on it too.
Anu waited for Geneva's answer. And she was surprised to find that her throat didn't close and that her tongue wasn't tied. She wished she could give the beautiful woman support, to hold her up as she tried to stand against this tide. But that would be a mistake. She didn't want to enable this dark tide to take control of Anu. Although Geneva had known her for such a short time, her soul had such resonance with the other's. She was certain that this darkness was not a natural part of her.
"I think," she started, and she rested her hands at her sides, spreading her fingers wide. "I think the right thing is not to let him continue to hurt you. Look at the damage he's done already. And he isn't even here. Break the cycle, don't perpetuate it." She took a breath. "If you're going to do anything, make sure that it's you in control of your actions. Don't give him power."
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I touched her with a trembling hand,
I choked,
I could not say goodbye,
No matter how hard I tried
Waiting, the seconds ticked by. Watching, Anu found her eyes focusing back to the face she had sworn to never let leave her sight. Only moment ago she had almost lost her, her fingers barely grasping her flesh in time. Anu had let that feeling that she had found that moment hide under everything that was currently written on her face. Now, her tears were dry and she could only think of the hate that boiled inside her. It was only the voice, of the fey that always seemed to be able to bring her back, which kept her from receding inward.
As her words were spoken, in the voice that thrilled Anu and sent her back to the moment she held her, she listened with a finger tracing the scar the laced her leg. Hidden under her fur it was one long line that had healed many years ago, but still it would remain with her until the end. What if Nani would never be rid of the scars he had left? Suddenly Anu felt the pending urge to cry, with the thoughts of the pale fey filling her mind. Blue eyes looked to the dark hues in Geneva’s fur, tracing them across her cheeks and over her eyes. All that he had done, and the forgiveness she was withholding. All the things that kept her heart beating.
It was moments like the one that unraveling within Anu that made Geneva her savior. She knew how to bring her back. Knew how to take her breath and replace it with her own life giving air. To break the cycle, Anu would have to forgive. And such a thing was possible. If Geneva could forgive her, let her leave without hating her for the love that Anu wanted to give but couldn’t and for everything that she had placed on her shoulders. It was only then that Anu would happily forgive, and easily let everything that he had done fall to the wind.
She breathed heavily, letting the tension ease from her shoulders. Forgive me, her eyes pleaded. It was most important, that very moment, for Geneva to not make Anu feel that way she did. But still Anu found what she held in the other’s eyes. Every second that passed there was a tension the Geneva possessed,just as she did the first night they stood out in the ocean air. A battle that raged insider her own heart, it kept the distance between them and gave Geneva the rational voice Anu envied.
Why would there always be fighting? Internal or not. I hope I can forgive him. She spoke before her thoughts became to intense for her to manage. Her strength was returning, as they had when she had realized that she hadn’t lost her to the dark ocean, sure that she would be with her till the end. Though forever wasn’t a thought that frequented her mind, always planted in the moment and always living for something other then ever after the idea of who she was changing. The elements forming a different shape then she had seen before. She could look to the others face and see a soul that felt like her own. The only differences were ones Anu strived to become.
I think that I can. Her voice was solid, letting go of the pain she thought she would always feel. There was still a burning flame that twisted her, but it no longer engulfed her core. The wall no longer held her, and she could feel the distance between them melt as her paws touched each wooden plank. Her heart beat, thumping in her chest but its sound was silent and all the filler her head was the sound of crashing waves. Guilt, the imperative feeling that Anu so constantly felt pounded against her. Even with eyes on her face the wave came. And still Anu didn’t stop from lacing her fingers with the ones the hung at the others side. Curling her own around Geneva’s palm she held it for a moment letting what was felt between them filter through their skin.
I have to go. A hushed voice spoke, a tinge of regret lingering in the last word. Where, she hadn’t even thought of. But Anu knew it was right, knew that they were what needed to be said. Stale in passing they lingered on her tongue and tasted bland in her mouth. Everything that spoke so deeply to her, the air between them, their tangled fingers, blinking stars and pale moon said otherwise. She was a horrible liar.
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