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this is poo
Anu rode the tide. It was angry and violent, raging up and down propelled by the furious wind. In a second she was up, above the waters and touching the clouded but open air. In the next lightning fast moment she was under, drowning in the blank dark sea. The salt blinded her, and the water filled her lungs and threatened to drown her. Misery, anger, guilt and shame crested each wave; forming billowing foam that filled her nose and mouth the moment her head breached the surface.
She was drowning again, as she walked the long and cold road back to her home. Four paws carried her light form over the hills that made the trenches, away from the death and carnage that was still burned in her mind’s eye. The male she left had taken the energy that she did know she had, and left her tired and unable to swim in the rocking ocean. She had met him, the idea was repeated over and over until each time it began to rise above the sound of her paw steps she violently crushed it. As always, she hadn’t done what she should have. He was still alive.
Paws turned cold and numb from the snow and use, though they stayed diligent and carried her to the safety of the mansion. The tawny fey walked up each step, her legs dragging her body up each one. Blue eyes looked at the large door, heavy and the gateway to where she had last seen her. The thought ripped from her brain, Anu focused on it, the large planks of thick wood that constructed it, the soldered hinges, the handle that, if she had the will to shift, fingers would grasp to turn an unlock it.
But she was drowning, forever drowning.
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Her mind was a mess of mixed emotions. She was still filled with joy at the knowledge that her children were growing in her womb, but the loss of Geneva had brought her down considerably. She had expected the smaller wolfess to always be there. The day she had come to these lands she had seemed so likely to be one of the ones that stayed for good. But now she was gone, and there was nothing anyone could do about it. Sure, it wasn't like she was dead, but she had no idea how long it would be before she saw her friend again. It wouldn't be long before traveling far from the pack would be impossible for her. Once she gave birth she wouldn't risk leaving them or taking them from the lands for many months. Geneva could visit, but she didn't expect her to.
All this made her think of Anu. It had been a long while since she had seen her it seemed like, even longer since they had actually talked. Savina didn't blame Anu for Stockholm's departure. No one could control another's emotions. There were many times when one couldn't even control their own. It seemed to her the tawny female had been absent a lot lately, even before all this. What was going on with all of her friends? It seemed like long time since she had seen Nani either.
The pregnant femme had been lounging around on one of the couches in the living area. Suddenly the air in the mansion had become stifling though. She groaned slightly as she carefully jumped back to the floor. Her stomach was now becoming quite obvious, at least if someone really looked at it. Perhaps at a glance it wouldn't yet be noticed. Lazily she nosed open the front door and came face to face with the blue eyed Colonel. Mouth hung slight agape as she looked at her friend. "Anu..." The suddenness of her appearance had the girl tongue-tied.
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The door opened. She expected to find to the dark empty world that she had left just as the sun had set the night before. Instead she met the gaze of a black furred female. Her friend spoke her name, drawing her out of the prison her mind was becoming. A beacon, a ship to scoop the cast away of the waters edge and give refuse. Anu looked, unsure what to say. Her silent chest gave her no motivation, and only left her with her endless thoughts.
I just.. the words toppled off her lips, but they weren’t what she wanted to say. She didn’t matter. Her breath was steady, but each inhale was harder then the last. Her chest tightened, and her steady breath was suddenly gone. Her eyes that had been clear were suddenly dotted with moisture. Her deep exhaustion left her nothing to stop it, to stop the wall from falling.
He was alive, she was gone, and Anu wanted to dissolve into nothing. It was easy to choose the most pertinent and speak. Her voice was cracked, harsh and spoke of the tears that she could help but let fill her eyes. She’s not coming back. Anu couldn’t even say her name.
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Anu looked awful. Savina hadn't really seen her since that unwelcomed joiner had been here, and it had been weeks before that as well. She had been quite concerned about her absence but hadn't had the energy to go on a full-out search. That was a pathetic excuse. It wasn't at all that she was upset with Anu, it wasn't her fault. It really wasn't anybody's fault. The Italian mother-to-be was just dealing with her own grief on the matter. There was some fear of losing Anu too. It was slim. She couldn't imagine the mother leaving behind her children, but emotions made people do strange things.
At the tears gathering in those dull blue eyes, Savina felt the sting of them in her own. At Anu's words her ears folded back against her head and she looked to the floor. "I know..." Geneva's name didn't even need to be spoken, she knew that was who the older femme meant. Stepping fully outside she lightly laid her face against Anu's. She felt that her friend needed the comfort even more than she did. "It's not your fault. I don't blame you." It needed to be said. She needed to know that.
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Eyes blinked, relieving their corners of the crowding tears. Her cheeks grew wet even though no shame came to her. Hardly able to form the emotion the tears were secondary, even tertiary to the other dominant factors in her mind. She wanted to be strong, but she couldn’t gather the elements to create the power to fuel such strength and she wasn’t sure if they were even present.
Ears sagged at her head, folding downward at the lady’s words. Had she seen her? Was she well? Anu wanted to ask the questions in the chance they would dull her pain or return the smallest amount of hope, but they were fleeting and ran from her mind only to be replaced by another. Not a single one slowed or stopped long enough for her to form the words.
Cheek touched that of the dark wolfess, and Anu let her nose rest against her shoulder. Her head felt heavy, full of constantly berating thoughts. Savina had no idea how wrong her statement was. Anu looked away, wanting to shake the thought from the female. There was nothing more false. The second sentence was comforting, knowing and believing that her friend did not blame her for Geneva’s decision.
“No, it is.” Her voice was strong and solid as the statement. It was the most sure she had been expressed since the three little words said to the very wolfess they spoke of. “I can’t give her everything that she deserves. And I’ve pushed her, taking so much… “ That was her problem, Anu took what she couldn’t give in return. Geneva hadn’t left to save herself from the pain; that was only a side effect. She had left to save Anu from her own weakness.
Her voice had grown soft, and her legs no longer wanted to hold her up. Sitting back Anu looked at Savina’s paws. “How could this happen?” She didn’t think Savina would have the answer, but the question had become too big for Anu to keep locked in her brain. How did this all happen? How did Conri still walk the earth after she had sworn she would end his life? After even asking it from Onus? How was she so broken, by a female that wasn’t her mate or the mother of pups Anu called her own?
What could cause such an addiction? 300+
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In her dear friend she saw many of the emotions that had wracked her after her fight with the coyote. Still, Savina did not believe that Anu was responsible. It appeared that Geneva had not been the only one with feelings in this situation, but that was not anyone's fault. Anu's emotions were no more controllable than Geneva's. "You can't beat yourself up for this." There was a strength and confidence in her voice. She needed to break through that cloud of self-loathing. The pack needed her, but perhaps most importantly the pups needed her. The Lt. General was unaware of the problems between the Commander and Colonel, but she had a feeling not everything was right there.
"She knew that you couldn't. She knew what you have. Emotions make us do things we normally wouldn't Anu. I know that better than anyone." The evidence of her mistake was finally becoming hidden beneath her obsidian fur, but she would never forget they were there. She had acted on her emotions without thinking of those who relied on her. "She doesn't blame you either." Their friend had done what she had out of love for them all, not hatred. Savina still wished that things could be different, but they needed to accept reality and move forward. All of them.
The femme leaned forward and licked Anu's cheek. "You need to pull yourself out of this. If you won't do it for your own sake, do it for your pups. They need their happy mother back." She wasn't trying to make the woman feel guilty for not being around her family, but she knew that Anu would do anything for them. They were getting to that age when they would need all the emotional support they could get. And soon they would not be the only little paws running around Crimson Dreams.
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There was something inside that wouldn’t let her be at peace. It was guilt, mixed with an anger that was so unlike her. She felt it for Conri, appearing the moment her heart had fallen for Nani, and felt it for herself. She couldn’t pin point the day, or the second that she began to hate parts of herself, it was a developing emotion and something that came slowly, growing with each day. There was nothing within that said she hated who she was, she was only enraged at the thoughts that came to her, and the feels that shouldn’t be there. But it couldn’t be helped, she couldn’t stop them and there were even times when she didn’t want to.
Anu nodded at Savina’s words, her emotions had made her something that she never wanted to be. But they were also an addiction. They blended so naturally with the rest of her that they were becoming less and less foreign. They filled each cell that formed her body, completing who she was so perfectly.
Again, the mention of everything that she had. It was shameful that Anu needed to be reminded so often of the family that she loved. Of course, Anu would never forget her responsibility to them. But the pain that had pierced her soul was blinding. It was her love for them that poured salt on the fresh wound.
It was a constant battle. At first she had wanted to let them grow and give them the room to do so. If Naniko trusted them to know who their father was, then Anu would have to let them learn. But, as she was reminded again and again that they needed her Anu wanted to protect them. They were Naniko’s children, and once Anu had gotten that idea in her head she was suddenly faced with the realization that they were connected to her too. Agreeing, Anu blinked tears from her eye and hoped that they would stop.
I want to be that for them. A deep exhale rid her of the overbearing grief, though her face still held sadness. It just shouldn’t have to be this way. Geneva shouldn’t have to leave, and the pack shouldn’t have to live without her.
Its not going to be the same. her words were stronger, and flowed without stuttering over her crying. Nothing would be the way it was, and Anu was starting to understand all the things that needed to change.
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[html] I think that Anu will have to like, notice her stomach or something for the subject to be changed. XD
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Savina really had no idea what the older wolfess was going through. She was ignorant to all of the events that had happened to her as of late. No idea that Haven and Mati had met their father, no idea that the two mothers had fought over that fact, no idea that Anu had said that she loved Geneva. Unrequited love was a feeling that she was unfamiliar with, as well as being torn between two loves. While she knew none of this, she did know that Anu needed to pull out of this. They all needed her. They all drew more strength from her than she knew. At least the Lt. General did. Anu had reassured here when things had been rocky between she and Naniko. Things were better now between the leading pair, but it would never be the same. She needed at least one female friend that she could confide in completely.
The sable fey nudged her friend's muzzle with her nose. "Perhaps not, but it is what it is Anu. There's nothing any of us can do to change it now. We need to accept that and move forward." They had to be strong. Savina couldn't let the melancholy and worry consume her, not at this point in her life. She took a deep breath and exhaled it slowly through her nose. "No, it won't be the same, but when is anything ever the same? That's just life. It's always changing and shifting. Sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse. We cannot let that pull us down though. We have to persevere, for all the others and love and depend on us." Her own downfall had lead her to this revelation. Wallowing in self-pity and guilt didn't help anyone. She didn't want to see that happen to Anu.
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ohhh I’ve got it!
No, it would never be the way it had. Anu began to understand how much of her life fell into that category. It wasn’t just she and Geneva that would be different. It wasn’t just that thought of having lost her, pushed her away, which pained Anu. Everything that surrounded her was changing, by her actions or not. The relationships that had been the air in her lungs were suddenly choking her. And there wasn’t a thing Anu could think to repair or save them.
Savina’s words brought her from the edge. Her even tone and soft voice was something that Anu could cling to. She reminded her that there were other things to live for, and that even though some might end there were many parts of her life that still lived. She nodded, and exhaled deeply, letting the rest of the pain flow from her. It still hid deep in her chest, but she was able to rid her surface of the grief.
Seems like a lot to happen at once… her thoughts filled the air around them as she straitened her back to look the fey in the eye. A weak smile formed to her lips, trying to show that she could move on. Eyes free of tears Anu truly took in the sight of Savina, her brows creased and Anu looked at her questioningly.
Savi, you’re fat. The statement was almost a question, and just slipped from her mouth without any change in her tone. Her ears stood strait, looking over the others form.
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Relief came to her as it appeared that Anu was able to at least let go of some of her pain. She wasn't naive enough to think that it was all gone. It take more than a few words from her and more work on the part of her friend for that to truly happen. This was a step in the right direction though. Most times the first step was often the most difficult. As the older woman offered a small smile Savina returned it with one of her own. She nuzzled her muzzle against Anu's. "I know, but we'll get through it. You're not alone in this. That's the whole point of a pack." They were all there to help and support each other, through the rough times and the good. They were a family and they wouldn't let Anu fall.
Triangular ears twitched at her packmate's half comment half question. She had been so caught up in trying to help and comfort her, that she hadn't even thought that Anu didn't know her big news. The small smile that played on her lips turned into a brighter warmer one. Eyes sparkled as they always did when the subject came up. It was quite the transformation from the moment before, but that's the effect such happiness had on her. "Not exactly." She looked up into the blue eyes of the other femme. "Kansas and I are expecting." Savina let her smile grow even more. Maybe such news would even help Anu crawl from her dark feelings.
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It was a good feeling, knowing that someone was there for her. At a moment where she felt completely alone, it was nice to know that she could come to Savina and confide in her. Anu hoped that the other fey knew that she would be there for too. She also hoped that she would be able to return the favor.
Blue eyes watched as her face changed and her eyes became bright. Anu realized what was really happening. The facts were written all over Savina. The scent, the gleam of her coat, and of course the shape that Anu had already noticed. It brought a smile to her face, and she laughed a little as Savina spoke. Anu should have known.
Oh Savina… Her voice held the excitement that had been growing. Her tail started to wag as the issues that had consumed her were temporarily forgotten. It was something special, and Anu wanted to share the excitment. Thoughts of little pups running through the manor were somewhat bitter sweet, but she refused to think of it as anything but joyous.
How long? How long would they have to wait? Maybe now there would be a way for Anu to support Savina as she did her. They would need a pupsitter of course…
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Savina had always felt a deep connection with Anu, even after their first meeting. It had been cemented though that night they had been trapped in a cave out in the Trenches during a storm. That had been the height of her insecurity about her relationship with Kansas. After the way Naniko had acted she had felt shattered. She had expected her best friend to be happy for her and had gotten almost the opposite. But Anu had been there for her. This would surely not be the last time either of them were in a bad place, but as long as they stuck together they would be able to help each other through it.
Her own tail began to beat softly against the boards of the porch. It was exciting. The kind of excitement that never wore off, no matter how physically ill she might feel at times. As far as she was concerned it was a miracle. True, she and Kansas were in the prime of their life, it was no surprise they were fertile. Still she knew it could have been harder. It could have taken more time. It hadn't though, and for that she was thankful. "Not quite a moon yet I don't think. I just found out not too long ago."
She smiled brightly up at her good friend. "Which reminds me, I think I'm going to need your help. I was able to handle things alright when Nani had the pups, but the pack is much bigger now. If you'd be willing to help more with the higher up duties I'd be so thankful." She didn't want to spend more time away from her family than was necessary. She didn't want to miss a single moment.
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Anu had never had a sister. There had been a time where Geneva and she had been close in a way that Anu thought she might be what it felt like to have one. But she was quick to learn that they shared was a different kind of kinship. Such thoughts hurt, but she was able to wipe her mind clean of them and focus on how Savina was certainly a sister to her.
Anu wasn’t sure how it felt to be pregnant, never having the experience herself. But she had been around enough other ladies who were to know hoe it all happened. First would be the sick feeling, then the expansion of her stomach and then the emotional rollercoaster. The very idea brought Anu back to their last encounter with the newcomer Husk. A smirk quickly came to her face, she was grateful that Savina had been so harsh. Anu would have let the male walk all over her and not think anything of it.
Her head cocked momentarily at her words, listening intently. At first she wasn’t sure what her friend was asking, but as she ran the idea through her brain she became completely aware. No one had asked anything like this of her before. Savina, you know I’m here for you. Nani’s pups were growing quickly and were close to being on their own. Anu would be without any major responsibility while the black hued female was gaining the greatest responsibility of all. You can count on me to pick up the slack. The last few words were spoken with a smile. They both knew that even with Savina being a new mom, there wouldn’t be many things she couldn’t manage. She was more dedicated to the pack then any other follower; Anu would have to rip responsibilities away from her. And she would be happy to do so.
Wanting then to focus on the things that mattered most Anu questioned, Do you have any names?
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Thankfully the side effects of her pregnancy hadn't been too bad. There were days when the morning sickness had really drained her, but she had been free of such days as of late. Her emotions had also stayed more or less the same. Though her fuse was notably shorter than usual. That had been clear that night that unappealing male had been wanting to join the pack. No doubt Anu had noticed her roughness that night. Such actions would have annoyed her on a regular day, but she had definitely not been in the mood for it that day.
Savina smiled warmly at Anu. She would trust such responsibilities to no one else in the pack. Not that she didn't trust the other members, but it was different with Anu. More than trust went into such leader relations and duties. She knew that the kind woman would bring a new and different balance to her and Naniko's styles, while having the same goals and interests in mind. Right now she didn't let on to how much of a promotion Anu would receive, she needed to talk with the Commander after all, but she had no doubt that Naniko would agree with her. "I know, and I thank you deeply. I know you'll keep me in check," she said as she winked at her good friend.
The midnight fey glanced down at her stomach again for a moment before returning her gaze to the tawny wolfess. "We haven't talked much about names yet, but if there's a girl I really want to name her after my mother. Her name was Amata." That was the one name she was sure of and she knew that Kansas would understand. She supposed now that things were moving along they should really start to consider other names. "I'm always wondering how many there will be. What they'll look like. What their personalities will be, you know? What do you think your pups will think of it?" Savina hoped that the current youngsters wouldn't feel replaced by the incoming litter.
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short… xp
Anu had never thought about the possibility of having her own litter. Well, there had been moments where it had ran quickly through her mind. Now that she had been with Nani and then she and Savina being very close, it was coming up again and again. Of course there was one thing that she would always be missing. But, Anu wondered if it would always be missing. She had a strong feeling it would.
That’s a beautiful name. Anu shared as she smiled. Anu was sure that they would have strong, but lovely personalities. It was obvious that Savina had been raised by a wonderful mother, making her one as well. Mati will love them, I know that much. Anu had a certain connection with the girl, and her nature spoke of a nurturing soul.
The others, will love then too. I’m sure of it... Haven will protect them, we both know that. She smiled again, wanting to bask in Savina’s excitement. This is what she needed distraction.
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Amata had meant so much to Savina and both of her siblings. While they had never had a father, their mother was more than enough. She had been the best mother than anyone could have ever asked for. She had never let the pain that plagued her heart about Serge taint the opinions and feelings for her children. She had loved each one of them more than life itself. "She was a wonderful mother. I just wish she could have lived to see her grandchildren." A note of sorrow tinged those words. At times she was still haunted by her mother's death. Savina recovered quickly though, smiling back up at Anu
"Yes, Mati's such a sweet girl. She reminds me a lot of you." She saw little bits of both Nani and Anu in each of their children. "Oh yes, the little protector. I think he'll grow up to be a lot like Jazper, though probably not quite so big," she said chuckling. The mother-to-be hoped that all of Crimson Dreams' youth would get along. "I think it will be great to have your kids around. They'll teach my babies things that we might not even think of." Having playmates closer to their age aside from their siblings would doubtless be a great thing for her children.
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<3
The notion of Savina’s mother made Anu think back to her own. Her father had always been a large influence on her, but her mother was exactly what she would ever ask from one. She was strict, when the need arose, but always loving and kind. Of course there had been moments where she had resented her, believing in some selfish way that she had always loved her brothers more. But Anu understood that all of those reasons had been false. Though it was because of her father that Anu did what she did, loved nature and found peace in the simplest of things. It was her mother’s love that made her as gentle, soft-spoken and sweet natured as she always had been. Anu suspected she would be disappointed to see her in her current state of mind.
Savina’s words were painful to hear, having been so close to the children and feeling so very far from their mother. But she hid it that best she could, even trying a fake smile on for size. Thoughts of Haven eased her; though she would never admit it he held a very special place in her heart. Anu laughed as Savina did, her son held so much coyote blood that he might just end up smaller then the rest. I think so too. Her smiled was more genuine as she continued. I know they will get along. I imagine Kansas is just as excited. He’ll be a great dad. Anu was sure that Savi didn’t need to reassure of the fact, but she still wanted her to know that she believed he would.
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She noticed a flicker of pain in her friend's eyes as they talked about her children. What was going on? Had something happened between her and Naniko? Savina wanted to know, but also felt that she shouldn't stick her nose in places Anu didn't want to talk about. Sometimes when it came to relationships there were things you just couldn't talk about with others. Like that night Kansas had spent with Naniko and the fears she had about the Commander's true feelings for her adopted brother. It was not her place to talk about his secret to others and she thought maybe if they all just pretended nothing had happened Naniko's feelings might go away. Though she knew it would always be there in the back of her mind. She trusted Kansas to never do anything like that again, but she wasn't sure about the ivory wolfess.
Her mate had his doubts about his ability of being a father, but ever since it had become a reality for them they were melting away. "Yes, he is excited. I'm going to start teaching him some Italian. I want the pups to know it and don't want them using it against him when they're older," she said with a laugh. No matter how well mannered their children were raised, kids would be kids and using a second language against a parent that didn't understand it would be too good of an opportunity to pass up. Her smile deepened at Anu's comment. "Yes, he'll be a wonderful father. He has his worries, but I know he'll be great. I'm so glad that my children will have what I never did." Pups deserved a father that loved and cared for them.
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Maybe they would never know what happened. Anu could only hope that the reasons that she and Nani had such difficulties so suddenly stayed a mystery. She had her thoughts, the ones that were forbidden and secrets, things that she wouldn’t even admit to herself. Anu didn’t want it all come down to a single reason, one that was so obvious yet so muddled and confusing. Anu only hoped that they both would find a way around all the unhappiness that hung between them.
Kansas, Savina’s white knight, was someone that would always be present. Anu was sure of it. Even with her own relationship hardships she could see the light that Kansas and Savina held. Maybe if it had all been planned, between she and Nani, things would have been different. Anu moved passed the thought, bringing the good news forward. It helped and was the perfect distraction. Wrapping the excitement back around her shoulders, Anu let Savina’s smile become contagious.
A father is really important. At first Anu only thought of her own, and how he had help shape who she was. But then Conri came to mind, and how she had tried to fill his place. Or at least a father figure. Her smile stayed, but her eyes faltered and fell to the landscape around them.
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Gods, she hadn't even thought of what she was saying. She didn't view Anu as anything less than a wonderful parent to the pups and she knew that none of the others did either. But she could see where the older wolfess would have some insecurities there. Gently she nudged Anu's nose. "Hey. You're a great parent. The pups love you just as much as they love Naniko. You're more to them than he ever will be." Emerald orbs did their best to look back into the other's blue pools. "I grew up without a father and I did just fine." That wasn't completely true, but she wouldn't have changed her family for anything. It would have been nice if she had had a dad, but then she wouldn't be who she was. She might not even be here.
"All I had was my mom, Ehno, and my sister. I wouldn't want to go back and change that. I guess...I'm just glad that they'll have more than just me. But as long as pups have someone to love them and care for them it doesn't matter how many parents there are or what gender." It was really a revelation that she was just now having. She had never been unhappy just having a mom, and obviously the four kids of the pack were perfectly happy with their two. Maybe it was really because she worried that she wouldn't be enough. But with Kansas and herself they would always have someone to turn to even if one of them was gone or busy. They wouldn't ever have to worry about being alone.
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