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Sadness and rhyme, These are the times
These are the memories.
We find a way, Pushing through the day
So speak to me gently.
sidenote; ... no blood here...
A cerulean sky held little remnants of winter. It was clear, bright hiding no coming snow or ice. White billowing clouds dotted the atmosphere, marshmallow consistency they sat sweetly under the large orange sun. He sat upon his pillow throne, looking down on the mortals that walked below. Righteous and vindictive, the god stood in plain sight but gave none of the radiating warmth that would bring spring to life. It left only a cold and bitter air, still and heavy as the wolfess sought refuge from it.
Smoke billowed from her nostrils, each breath drew in chilled air that burned her lungs. The bright day’s wind was calm and quiet, leaving her to the peace she sought. It was an endless journey and a hopeless task. There would be no peace for the mortal, her age wearing on her tired bones. Her chest was quiet, numb and cold as it had been for days. Such a burden the pain had been, but as she moved through the stagnant air it was a friend that was missed. A note that reminded her that she was more then just the walking dead, or floating through a dream.
There was nothing like the feeling of her empty chest. It could have been described as calming, and the lack of pain peaceful. But it was so unfamiliar that Anu felt her core was suddenly foreign, an alien to her. The pain, the beating gunfire of her heart was a symbol, and with its silence that part of her had slipped away. Gone for what felt like forever.
She couldn’t do it. Anu couldn’t keep going on with her feelings beyond her own control, a run-away automobile hitting everything in its path. She had totaled so much and the damage was irreversible, or only fixable with more time then she was sure she had. Part of her was certain she wouldn’t live long enough to see the pain resolved. Though words with Savina had made her stronger, there was always Naniko, their love was something Anu clung to, but the words that passed between them seemed decades old.
Finding strength was becoming an impossible task. But there was an alternative that was much easier to obtain. It was the façade she wore, a mask that had never been present before. Though fake it molded to her form, becoming a second skin. The false sense of power allowed her to stand strait, dried all tears from her face and even gave her a smile to wear. To any that truly knew her, she might have looked off, different. But it could also be mistaken for new confidence. It wasn’t right and completely unnatural for Anu to pretend to be something she wasn’t, but if she was ever to get beyond the losses she had suffered and right the wrongs that she had caused, she would need to find a way to wake each morning.
Mindless stride brought her through the large front door and to the kitchen, where she would try to make herself useful. Utensils and pots were manipulated in her hands as she focused on what they true proper uses were. None of it came easily, but her new self worked with them until the water was placed into a pot with the spuds she had found in a bowl under the sink drowning inside it. Blue eyes looked down on the sinking potatoes, their tan color fading into the shadow of the deep pot.
As much as she wished for it, the large vegetables mixed with water didn’t seem to work. Rescuing them from the icy liquid, the fey lined each on the counter and took up a knife. Its wide blade glistened in the light’s raze, and it’s handle felt heavy in her hand. Looking down at the sharpened knife, sky hued eyes traced its edge. The strait line brought her gaze to inside of her arm, locked at the delicate curve that connected to the hand that held the vegetable. Gripping it tightly she watched as tendons drew guidelines. With a swift motion the knife took aim and cut.
It was unnatural and fake, being something that she wasn’t.
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[html] http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j40/k ... ump/12.png); background-position: top center; background-repeat: no-repeat;"> She held her breath all the way, although she knew the path she was taking like the back of her hand. It was strange to imagine that mere days had gone by, when she felt more like several lifetimes had passed since she had retraced the steps, as if she had forgotten. The first breath of spring was in the air as she began the trek from Phoenix Valley back to Crimson Dreams. It was a journey she hadn't been too keen on taking, but she had swallowed her fears and had risen to the task.
So much had changed in what seemed the span of breaths. She felt as though she was several heartbeats behind her head, or perhaps it was vice-versa. Perhaps she hadn't been thinking at all, and had been running from the thundering of her heart ever since...Ever since...
That night had changed everything. The world reversed on its axis and gravity had disappeared, at least for her. And a glimpse of how the world could be for her, for them, had been so astoundingly clear. And it had scared her more than anything, how close the realization of that truth had come. Geneva had slammed on the brakes, and turned tail, and ran as fast as her legs could carry her.
She had done and said things, sacrificed things to buy herself time. It had hurt, burned in ways she did not want to admit. Looking back through memory, she had wondered if it really had been her talking so forcefully from behind that snarl, her face a mask of anger. Searching herself now, she couldn't find any anger within. There was a sense of loss, an emptiness. The sounds of an almost broken heart that had been too worn thin, too damaged to be fit to give in the first place.
She looked up now, the sun bright in her eyes as she let the sights wash over her. The ring of trees, and in the distance, the valley and finally, her eyes came to rest upon the Manor. She had mixed feelings as she mounted the steps of the porch. She paused, wondering if she should knock on the door or just push it open. Savina had told her that she was always welcome, and she stood arrested with her fingers shaping the handle. After a moment of debate, the door swung open.
Her heart thudded as her lime green eyes scanned the entry way, and found it thankfully empty. She supposed that she should tell someone that she was here, because she was a visitor now, no longer a member of this pack. But she held her tongue. She could make this quick, up the stairs, and three doors to the left. She had come to retrieve her belongings, having left in such haste that she had left everything behind her.
Her ears pricked at sounds in the kitchen. And she turned her body toward the sound, debating her course of action. Finally, she decided to go to the kitchen. She wondered if it would be Savina inside, poking around in search of food. The thought brought a thin smile to her face. The decision made, she rounded the corner, feet falling soundlessly as she pushed open the door.
She opened her mouth to say something, to greet whoever was there. But lime green eyes met blue, and her voice died in her throat. She caught herself at the door, catching it as it swung toward her with her hand. She clutched it in her fingers, still framed within the door frame. "Anu..."
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Pieces fell, her eyes focusing on each slice with obsession. Silence enveloped her, only to be broken by the connection between knife and counter. Equal in size, each perfect she handled the weapon like an artist. It began to become a mere extension of her hand. One after another she cut them until they look nothing like what they had when she began. Smaller and smaller she made them, knowing that it would just be easier to process if just tiny remnants of the original. If only her thoughts and emotions could be broken along side them, cut into small insignificant portions until they turned into dust.
Lost in her task, the sounds that surrounded her were only figments of her imagination. The smells were just a ghost floating through the still and confined air. Again her hand moved, working at a mindless pace. It came to her again; the scent made her nose twitch but Anu had imagined such a smell before. Many times before. On the wind, or suddenly in no place in particular she would think that she smelt her. But Anu knew better then to believe it, there was never truth found in the fleeting fragrance. She had already spent too much time investigating it.
A wind hit her face, the motion of the door pushing the stagnant air forward. Inhaling brought the ghost back to her mind, her face shone behind her eyes and at each blink she was clearer and clearer. It was only the voice that made her real. Blue eyes found something far from the apparition in her imagination. Framed by the doorway, she stood against the darkness of the hallway. The sun’s light flooded the windows, filling the kitchen with sudden warmth that could be felt all over.
Geneva looked at her, her eyes hitting Anu like a physical touch. It shook the soul beneath the mask that she wore, crumbling the wolfess to her knees just as she had the last time they met. Surprise filtered through the shroud. She was back. Watching her in the bright light her coat was no longer the gray Anu found in the night’s darkness but a gleaming deep silver. The sun brought Geneva to a new life, and Anu forgot the pain that was felt at the mere thought of her.
The corners of her mouth twitched, wanting to curve in a smile, but the new thing she wore kept her features frozen. Every word she wished to speak stopped at the dam that held her feelings. There was surprise in Geneva’s form as well, certainly unexpected to find her here. Anu let the knife fall; her mindless task completing itself through her eyes couldn’t pry themselves from the figure before them.
“Geneva?”
The pain, a mixture of the knife hitting the edge of her finger and the sound of her name, made her look down. Averting her gaze she gathered the strength that was so falsely placed over her and returned her eyes to the female. Was she back? Did she forgive her? Anu stood, still against the tabletop frozen in place. Movement, actions had made her run and Anu didn’t want to make the same mistake twice. He voice held a questioning note, as if Anu didn’t believe that she truly stood in front of her. The silence hung between them, and she fought every instinct to cross the gap between them. While tiny drops of blood filtering through her short fur and onto the wood, Anu beat it down until she held onto the counter for support, .
Her words were soft, slipping past the guard that held her soul in it’s prison. They were almost inaudible, speaking to herself more then anything. Relief laced each syllable, and as vindictive as she wanted them to be they held no sound of spite. In all honesty Anu had never forgotten the feeling of that moment. And though she hadn’t been lost to gravities pull or rescued from the brink, her heart felt a commonality with Geneva’s on that night.
I thought I’d never see you again. The stillness that hung behind her words was broken only by the single beat, a soft strike against her ribcage.
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[html] http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j40/k ... ump/12.png); background-position: top center; background-repeat: no-repeat;"> Geneva's eyes stayed pinned on the silvered glint of the knife. Her erect ears trembled as she heard the snick of the blade catching on flesh. She watched, morbidly fascinated as blood welled from the wound, gathering through Anu's short, tan fur. She couldn't lift her eyes away to see the war playing on Anu's face. Everything seemed slightly unreal, even her name on the female's breath was slightly unbelievable. She hadn't thought to see Anu, much less hear her voice. Not so soon.
She wasn't ready for this. But hearing the choked chord in Anu's voice, she knew that the other woman wasn't ready either. She hated to be taken by surprise. This was like a sucker punch straight to the gut, robbing her of breath and reason. Her first instinct screamed to either run forward or back, to shatter this awkward silence with action or retreat. She didn't know which would be appropriate. She didn't know which she wanted more.
And she suddenly realized how foolish all of this was. Shaking her head slightly, she blinked lime green eyes and strode forward. She walked forward briskly, taking the knife from Anu's hand and setting it down on the counter. She took the woman's hand, and examined the wound, pressing her own fingers down over it to stop the bleeding. "You thought wrong," she said, without looking up.
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As her own words passed her lips Anu became certain of one thing. She wasn’t ready. Even though the relationship between she and Naniko had faded into a black void, Anu didn’t know how to express the fact. There was still a connection, something that held she and white wolfess together. It was seen in the four faces of Naniko’s children, as well as in the sound of her voice and the image of her face. But such a wrong feeling that they both shared and express only gave them pain. A pain neither of them could manage.
But the things that she saw in Geneva’s face. They blinded her. Sent her to the brink and made her cling to anything that kept her grounded. It was so different; it was as if she had found anther way to breath, new air. New life. Even though her features were that of confusion and surprise, Anu still searched for everything that kept her whole. Though bright emerald eyes wouldn’t’ lift to meet her own, Anu found pieces of what she searched for. Scattered remnants of her kindred soul.
The gap between them was gone in an instant, and Anu held her breath. Still she wouldn’t look, the eyes that held her heart hid from Anu. It was a blazing sensation, the moment they touched. But her new skin held it inside and kept their connection cold. Inside she felt the thunder of her heart, it made her smile. Breaking the mask the held her form together and portrayed her fake strength, her lips curled. The sound and beat were long lost friends returning. Her mind embraced it, and her chest felt whole.
Of course she had been wrong. But as Anu looked, she found it was written over her body, Geneva wasn’t pleased to see her. The smile faded, as blue eyes looked downward. Her finger stung, and her wrist felt light without the weight of the knife. As much as she wanted, Anu wouldn’t ask. To save herself from being ultimately disappointed she wouldn’t ask if the gray fey was back, for good. Instead she took hold of the hand that covered her finger and peeled it back gently and quite slowly. Holding her hand Anu let it linger in her own before letting go. Her cut would fine, they had other wounds to heal.
Why are you here? her tone held everything her face wouldn’t show. The wonder, the excitement as well as the anticipated disappointment and sadness. Eyes searched for hers, and Anu stopped herself from touching the other's face. To lift her chin in hopes of finding what she looked for. Instead she rested them against the counter, holding herself in place. In the past her emotions had always been in control, or once her mind wanted to be the one at the wheel.
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[html] http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j40/k ... ump/12.png); background-position: top center; background-repeat: no-repeat;"> It was unbelievable. She hadn't imagined that she would see Anu so soon, much less be in such close proximity to her. She felt heat rush up to her face, despite the coolness of her tone and the demureness of her words. Like the woman before her, she too had donned a mask to help her deal with this situation. She felt as though she was entangled and enmeshed within a spiderweb. What existed between them was a complex, fragile system woven by a simple thread. It existed between them, ensnaring them. And, at least Geneva felt that she wasn't an entirely unwilling captive.
And that complicated things even further. This situation, this fragile encounter wasn't even a truce. There were so many undefined variables between them. What was Anu to her? She could say without any hesitation that Anu was a friend to her. She had welcomed Geneva with open arms, accepting of all of her failings and insecurities as she grew into herself. She had shown her compassion and understanding. And she had revealed, unearthed a part of herself that she had never known had existed. But she represented so much more - a ray of sunshine. But a storm followed swiftly behind her.
She had noticed small changes in her. It was hard to say, but there was something about the way she held herself now. Small changes of expression around her eyes, the way she moved her mouth. It was strange, to look at her, to see those differences. But she didn't say a word. She drew her hand away and she let her, her fingers going lax, unresponsive.
She looked into Anu's face now, swallowing the lump in her throat. She felt as if she had swallowed saw dust, her voice dry. "I came to get my things," she said in an honest, empty voice.
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What was this? And why did Anu even need to wonder? This had been so simple, but that was quite some time ago. It seemed like the first day they had met had been the last encounter with Geneva that didn’t rock her. Though, maybe it had. Maybe it had been the start of everything. To the very moment they were sharing, nothing had been right. Then again right was a relive term. What was right for her was so very different from what was right for Geneva, and what was right Naniko. Things weren’t clear to any of them, Anu certainly knew that she walked behind a fog, and what lay behind it was nothing more then a shadowy outline. Her right, felt like a pounding heart and a blazing electric touch. But maybe it was all a lie.
Anu looked to her face, the aging words they had shared were miles away. The moment when they had come together was even further. Waiting patiently where she had pushed them, maybe now it was time for her to let them return. Anu reached for them, letting them rush to her. They came more quickly then she was prepared. That had felt right, watching them with a new hindsight. Yes, with the guilt lost and parted from her heart Anu could look at them differently.
Her empty words brought her back. Anu looked away, taking the disappointment she had expected and burying it deep under her façade. Of course, Geneva had things that were too important to leave behind. Anu looked away, crushing the wishful feeling. She didn’t want to go anyways. Why was she still standing here? Her thoughts growing angry. If Geneva had such important things to retrieve, why had she stopped to see her? It was obvious that she didn’t want to lay eyes on her anyways.
She was foolish, the thoughts blazing through her skull, to believe that Anu could ever be anything that Geneva was for her. She needed her, more then Anu wanted to admit. She had been why her heart had left, hiding in the shadows for no one else to claim. She had taken it from Naniko. Though Anu had always willingly given it. Anu had been a shell of herself since she had left, broken in a world that as nothing but gray. Things? Her face grew hard, and she turned from the other in fear of giving to much of her thoughts away. A deep exhale made her legs move, taking the sliced potatoes to the empty sink. She let them fall, clunking against the empty basin.
Things too important to let go? She asked hastily. In all honesty she didn’t care what Geneva had come back to retrieve. She hadn’t come back for her, not even to see her. That was obvious. The words had been false, those few and small words Geneva had spoken. Never had Anu taken for her a liar, and in the recesses of her mind she didn’t believe she was, but with the new wounds she had self-inflicted anything felt like an attack. Even the memory of those long lost sweet words.
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[html] http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j40/k ... ump/12.png); background-position: top center; background-repeat: no-repeat;"> Anu withdrew, and Geneva felt the need to follow her, almost like the force of gravity. She planted her feet firmly, biting her lip as Anu moved away. And it wasn't just a physical thing. She could feel the woman receding from her emotionally as well. And the air was charged with a new energy, a heat in the sudden coolness of Anu's actions. Geneva was perplexed, at a loss for words. She just stood and dismissed the need to wring her hands.
She cast her eyes just to the left of Anu, to the tile of the counter. She concentrated, counting lines in the pattern, grains of wood on the floor. She concentrated on anything but the awful emptiness in the pit of her stomach, the gut feeling she had that something was about to go horrifically, horribly wrong. Was there a way to fix this? Was there anything to fix in the first place? A sigh escaped her maw.
To put it plainly, Geneva was confused. And more than anything, she was tired of the constant pain, the way her gut twisted and her heart pounded so sickeningly. She was tired of the complexity of her emotion, and how she yearned for things she could not - should not - even think about.
Her ears flicked when she heard the sounds of the potatoes dropping into the basin. She returned her eyes back to Anu, looking at the back of her head. "Yes," she said, in a cutting tone. "Things I never wanted to let go of in the first place." There was anger in her voice, a foreign sound for her hushed tones. She had rarely ever expressed anger, and had never imagined that she would with Anu.
She felt energy charge her, and the normally gentle Geneva did not want to be gentle anymore. Gentle didn't get the job done. Gentle didn't soothe the ache in her heart. She closed the distance between them in stalking steps, putting her hand on Anu's shoulder and spinning her around. "You are not the only one in pain here, Anu," she whispered harshly. "Do you have any idea - any idea at all what it is like to burn for something you can't have? To have that feeling eat you up inside? Do you have any clue how sick it makes me that my heart could make such a whore of me, to replace the memory - the significance of my mate so quickly? He wasn't even cold in his grave! But still, it always turns to you. I think of you, and I think of everything you have. Everything I could destroy. And still I burn." She was breathing harshly.
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Looking downward, blue eyes found nothing. There was nothing but the pounding of her heart. There was noting but the scent of her, and the way the air mixed around them. The feeling changed, as she became angry. It was an odd feeling, like a staggering numb existence. And it was false. She was only angry with herself, Geneva would never truly be wrong in her eyes. Her ears turned to take in the words she spoke, and Anu looked to her as the hand was so roughly placed on her shoulder.
Taking in the words, Anu felt them pass through her skin. A cutting knife. Each syllable gashing and slicing. But there was more then just pain with each of them. There was passion in them. Green eyes blazed, in a way that Anu hadn’t seen. Not since she had pushed her for far away, but there was something different in these words. They were real. Her face stayed solid, though her eyes gave her true feeling away. How true Anu was to each of the things she spoke.
Burn? Anu questioned. I'm the whore, because I always burned for you. Just the thought of how she was changed the moment they shared the same air made her hand began to tremble. Anu wrapped her fingers around the wrist that held her shoulder. Not removing it, but holding it in place. Yes.! I had everything, there was no grave to even cool, she’s living and breathing and I betrayed her every moment I thought of you. there was no hiding, there was nowhere to go, she was out in the open as her voice grew. You couldn't destroy what I had, I did that all myself. Eyes wavered, threatened to break their gaze. But she kept them on the other. Anu was done, done wishing that she didn’t want what she did.
The things I had died Genveva. You left, and you took everything I had with you… And when I look at you, I find it hard to even care. her voice lowered, the mask that she had so securely formed fading. The words rolled off her tongue, and Anu spat them out as her chest heaved up and down. Blue looked to green, their ocean raging. Still the fingers that touched her wrist had caught fire. Geneva would get to leave, and Anu would wish her back at every turning moment. The thought pained her more then anything.
It only makes me want you more. A self-shaking realization. God, who was the whore now?
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[html] http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j40/k ... ump/12.png); background-position: top center; background-repeat: no-repeat;"> To say that she was taken aback would have been the understatement of the century. Geneva stood, wide-eyed with her mouth curled into something between a grimace and a frown. She hadn't expected that the intensity of her emotions would be such that she lashed out. She tried to hard to hold her cards close to her chest. But with Anu, she was learning that all bets were off. She couldn't hide if she tried. Whatever existed between them had the ability to break down all her walls, to twist her until she screamed whatever rattled inside her head and hid inside her heart.
When Anu spoke, she was shocked. Her legs held firm, muscles tensing as the tirade washed over her. Anu was a woman of so few words. To hear her now, with the burning truth coming from her mouth, she could hardly believe that it was happening. She wanted to tell her that she was wrong. That there was a way to fix things. For a way for them to both be happy. But she knew that was far from the case. She couldn't allow herself even a small measure of comfort. Not yet. Perhaps not ever. She still didn't know how to feel.
She felt the violet streak of dismay when Anu spelled out feelings of loss. And she felt the oppressive air around her. How did she live with it? How could she stay with it? She had only felt the edges of such as thing, and when she had, she had run away from it. She imagined what it must feel like, to be so close to Naniko, to be so far from her at the same time. How did she stand it?
Geneva stepped away shakily, shoving herself away and disengaging from Anu. She backed up until she bumped into the wall opposite of the other woman. She looked at her considering, calculating...and confused beyond anything she had ever pondered before. "I love you," she mumbled, miserably.
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Her words filtered through the air, and Anu wished to suck them back into her lungs. She didn’t reveal her world; it was always so neatly folded in her heart. Yes, there had been moments of weakness, where her emotion showed and she gave pieces away. Her heart was a leaky faucet, dripping just bits at a time. But now, her heart pored. A raging river just waiting to sweep and drown any that ventured to close. As she always was, Geneva was so dangerously close.
Anu watched her face change, and hated the sight of confusion, shock and anger on her features. The female was too beautiful, the soft jawbone that led to her mouth and her gentle cheekbones that screamed for a light finger to be ran over them. She knew that it was her words that brought such change to those features. Though nothing would take from her beauty, Anu just deeply wanted to preserve it. Her light color washed as she stepped from the light that hung over them, pushing from her body and breaking the connection Anu held her in.
She breathed, taking in the warm air that was aflame between them. It was hard to take in, but harder to let go and made her chest heave up and down slowly. Anu just waited, searching for what they had and wondered if it was truly there. Blue eyes saw nothing but everything that she felt for the other female standing right in from of her It was written in the air, on the walls, the floor. Everything was painted in it. Anu found it hard to see anything else, and when she fought to do so found that she rather not.
Geneva stood at the far wall and blue eyes watched her, wondering if she was going to run. She silently pleaded. A secret ‘don’t go’ laced her lips. But the words wouldn’t become sound. Her breath calmed but still it seemed lost in her chest. The heart that was silent for so long raged, beating fast and harder then Anu ever felt it had in the past. Though her legs weak, she took a step forward, closing what space hung between them. The words that came were heavy, coming hastily and chokingly from Geneva’s lips. They wrapped themselves around her shoulders, and Anu wanted nothing more then to keep her here forever.
Another step killed the gap, and Anu looked into the eyes that held just as much disbelief and confusion as her own did. But there was some sort of peace, in her body as she reached for others hand. Anu took in the sweet scent of her and found her teeth clenching. She hadn’t lied, no matter what was left of her in the end Anu just didn’t care. She would go, and Anu could only ask one thing from her. Please, never stop. Anu begged, her mouth relaxing. Her eyes softened, and she looked to her face letting the silence surround them.
I love you too. It was a whisper, but the words were solid and true.
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[html] http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j40/k ... ump/12.png); background-position: top center; background-repeat: no-repeat;"> There was a curious burning in the back of her throat, her tongue dry. She felt as though she had swallowed sandpaper and her stomach was lined with lead. She tasted bitterness in a backwash of tears she wouldn't let fall from her lime green eyes. She kept them trapped, imprisoned behind a misbegotten sense of duty, a misplaced penchant for honor. She had to repeat to herself over and over that she had made promises that she intended to keep no matter the cost, but it was harder to stand behind the floodgates when all she wanted to do was dive in and be swept away by the sweet words, the temptation of a sinful admission.
She clenched her teeth, fangs grazing her tongue as she planted it on the roof of her mouth to keep from speaking. She watched Anu's face. The expressions flowed across her angel's face like water, fluid, gentle. When she found tranquility, a quiet acceptance in those blue eyes, she cast her own eyes aside once more. She didn't want to see that expression there, an invitation for her to stay. And even more dangerous, it was an opening for her to move in, to delve in deeper where she had never belonged in the first place. Ignoring that look, holding back tore at all her instincts, but none of this had made sense from the beginning anyway. Why would it get any easier now?
She would never know why she felt as though pieces of her meshed perfectly with the edges of Anu's soul. Tattered, ragged bits fit seamlessly and perfectly. She shuddered at the thought. She caught Anu's fingers, holding them forcefully in her own. There was apart of her that wanted to melt into that touch, but another emanated power, an unstable anger that anchored her to logic. "I won't make promises I can't keep," she said gruffly, digging her fingers into Anu's palm. God, she hurt, and that tired touch conveyed the depths of that sweet pain.
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They had said it many times before. The words passing between them nearly each time they met. But each time was like they had never heard it before. It was always new, it always shook her to hear them, and felt so right to say them. Just as whiling as Anu was to beg for her to stay, she would beg for her to say them. Just three, little words. Now there was heat behind them. In the coldness of her being, in the raging ocean that she swam every waking moment, in the darkness, Anu felt the fire ignite. Its flame blazed and it’s glow shone from behind her eyes. The calm, contained, gentle female could have screamed. A voice so loud tearing at her vocal cords, violently praying for the release of everything that Geneva evoked in her.
In her memory the kitchen melted away, and they stood out in the open night air. The ocean crashed below them, and Anu looked at her against the dark star dotted sky. She held her then, keeping her from falling. They had both been frightened then, the fear of loosing each other and the fear of discovering things from deep within that would ruin them. Few things had changed, Anu still clung to her, fearing that Geneva would be lost. But now there was no fear of loosing herself. She was already gone, drifting along some open space where there was only one being. Lost was how she felt as stood before her, and Anu was whiling and ready to be gone for good if she would only stay.
The words came to her, and Anu braced herself. The tone hit before the words registered. The pieces of her being, her heart, her soul were scattered and Anu picked each up gingerly pasting them together and cradling it in a soft palm, presenting it to the fey before her. That hand trembled as Anu searched for the eyes that refused to look at her. The fingers stung her paw, but she held it still twisting her own around them, refusing to let them go. The fire that she held fueled her, giving her strength that Anu had been certain was gone. She had been so tired, energy lost to a place she didn’t think she could reach. The smaller wolfess looked, her eyes pleading and silently begging for Geneva to look. She let her tears fall quietly and softy, but her words held the power that she drew from that mysterious place.
Why are you afraid?
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[html] http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j40/k ... ump/12.png); background-position: top center; background-repeat: no-repeat;"> Geneva couldn't help the anger that rose inside her in an alien tide, stealing her breath and laying steel in her bones as her resolve threatened to slip. She had come so far, thinking that she could just do this, dance around an open flame. And yet her control threatened to snap like a single, thin string. She couldn't help the helplessness of it all, that caused the smoldering of anger to rise in her, burning in the back of her throat and behind her eyes. It was almost for her to bear. All she wanted to do was take that leap, complete the slow, strange journey each of them had taken in such caution, damning steps.
What was she supposed to say? What was she supposed to do anymore? This wasn't even about a level of appropriateness anymore. It was about the hollow knocking in her heart, the void, the hole she had ignored for so long. Or perhaps not long enough. She had lost everything she had loved in so short a span of time that it seemed impossible, horrible that she could even conceive of loving again so soon. But the depth and breadth of this love, this feeling, whatever the hell it was between them, more than filled that yawning chasm of her heart.
"How can I promise you anything, Anu?" she said, twisting her fingers within the other wolfess' grip. She was torn between clasping her hand back and tearing her hand away. "How?" she repeated, the misery and anger evident in her voice. She had no reason to be angry at Anu, she had done nothing but shown her a distant light in the distance. But she had no focal point, helplessly lost to these feelings. She shuddered, trying to find control, but it didn't come. She jerked her hand away from the other woman. "I can't even give you today. How am I supposed to give you tomorrow?"
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There was fear in both of them, the fear of the unknown and all the maybes that passed through their minds. What if? She would wonder as her eyes fell into the green orbs she possessed. What she found was a darkness and a void that she wanted to fill, with everything that she had. No matter how little. She was sure that Geneva was scared, fearing the way that she felt and how unbelievably overwhelming that it all had become. Anu lived in a word of fear and cowardliness, and it took all the strength that she had just to keep standing to keep her fingers clinging to the other female.
The anger of Geneva’s voice washed over her, making her bow her head. Had she been asking for so much and not even known it? It was what she might have wanted, but if she would only stay a moment then they could have that feeling that was so shadowed by the anger and frustration. That feeling that drove them to such limits, and made the tears well in her eyes. If they just stood a moment, took it in, then maybe her tears would end and Geneva would find that all she truly wanted. Find what made everything that had always been so wrong fit so correctly.
Blue eyes returned to her face.
Stop.There were tears in her tone, though her face was becoming dry. Her voice was soft, and her heart sounding louder then the whisper. A demanding shadow hung behind it. She needed to stop, everything. Stop threatening to go, as each action she made did so evidently. Stop being scared, as the scent that hung over them reeked of fear. Stop questioning, so many things had already told them the answer. They had even spoken them. Stop. Her eyes pleaded for her to just stop, wait till their thoughts were clear. Pass the emotion and the anger that twisted through the green eyed fey. Anu hated the thought that she was angry with her, that she felt the need to pull away. That Anu had been the cause of all this heartache.
A breath passed her lips, her chest rising and falling.
Just give me anything. Not today, not tomorrow. But maybe just a moment.
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[html] http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j40/k ... ump/12.png); background-position: top center; background-repeat: no-repeat;"> Just give me anything, she had said. As if it could be that simple. But in reality, Anu was asking for the world. Or at least, that was how Geneva felt. When they were together, it was as if they had unlocked a door to a hidden world where even gravity had a new meaning. Couldn't she feel it? Even the air felt different in her lungs when she was around Anu. Even breathing had a new meaning.
A rock and a hard place had become all too familiar to the gray female. Lime green eyes swept the length of Anu's tawny fur up to her face. Her face was dry of the ocean of tears evident in her voice. The sorrow of her tone drowned Geneva as effectively as water in her lungs. She found herself floundering internally, although her expression remained, hard and cold as stone.
She had asked herself a thousand times how she could possibly find a way to make this work, to make them work. And time after time, she had always come up empty handed. She felt like she was standing at the edge of a vast ocean, hopelessly chasing answers that hid beyond a distant horizon. Truth dwelt on a distant shore she had never seen, and likely never would. Everything seemed so impossible, so without hope although those blue eyes shone like a beacon of light in her darkest days.
How long could she keep this up? She wasn't sure. Her hands were trembling now, hands balled into all-too familiar fists. She swallowed the lead lump in her throat as she leveled her eyes with Anu's. She felt the ebb and tide, the push and pull, the twisting in her heart.
And, before she could lose the nerve, her hands shot out to either side of Anu's face and she pulled her forward, caging her in mysterious strength. Her mouth was twisted in a grimace, somewhere between a smile and a look of pain. "This is what you want?" she asked, her voice hard with the edge of humorless laughter.
And she jerked Anu's face down to her own, pressing her mouth to hers with barely contained ferocity.
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Was she always asking for so much? Inside she knew she always did. Parts of her wanted the world, every second of time and it left her ashamed. Then the rest was ready to give up, ready to forget, fall into a dark hole and just let the rest live while she only watched. When they were apart, Anu was left on the sidelines, a bystander while the rest moved on. It was too hard to try, the effort so great it was so easy to give up. So much of her wanted ever inch, greedy and selfish they clung to the very small idea she held in her mind. It always felt so right, the new electric air, the loud beat of her heart, the sweet song that her soul sang as they touched.
Anu would hate every moment, when she left.
It didn’t need to work, because it never would. They would always be left with nothing, but as Geneva closed the gap her face in a permanent state of confusion Anu knew that she would move mountains to prove the statement wrong. Her body shook, and Anu fought not to cradle her shaking form. The air between their two bodies changed, and Geneva took hold of her face. Hands held her cheeks, and Anu looked up with round eyes searching for would happen next. It was always a surprise, a mystery. There was never a hint to what could happen. She feared she would scream, growl and push her away as she had before. But she only drew closer.
The words took her by surprise, and in a moment she couldn’t read her voice. Was it pain? Displeasure? Anu couldn’t tell and before she could determine it their lips were touching. Anu grabbed her fore arm, her breath lost as the other woman’s lips touch hers with more intensity, more fierceness then she had ever know. Yes.., spoke loudly in her mind as she pushed back, moved her hand swiftly to the others face. She held it, though the hands on her own were forceful Anu cradled the jaw she touched. Her heart raged, beating in her chest so loudly so hard that her entire body began to pulse with it’s rhythm.
The feels drained from her, and she searched for the same in their kiss. If it was meant to be meaningless, meant to prove her wrong it wouldn’t work. If the jade eyed wolf had hoped that they would find nothing as they touched, find emptiness as Geneva gave her what she so greedily asked for she would be disappointed. To disprove the feelings that had burned through every fiber of their bodies was an impossible task. As much as it was impossible to make what they had between them work in some ordinary way, it was impossible to ignore it, to forget it and to run from it. Geneva might try, but she couldn’t and Anu wasn’t about to let her push her away. If it was all just to make her feel like the whore she was, she would let her. Anu knew it wasn’t the whiling gentle kiss she had secretly imagined they would share, but it was the same distorted passion that they had always felt.
Soft lips against the roughness of the other female, Anu gave everything she had only in the hopes that she would get the smallest bit in return.
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[html] http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j40/k ... ump/12.png); background-position: top center; background-repeat: no-repeat;"> Something in Geneva broke apart. But it wasn't the violent explosion she'd imagined. By vying for the greatest extent of control, she had instead come apart. It was a slow unfurling. It was as if each negative emotion evaporated from her in a haze of rainbow mist. She felt the chains that had so closely confined her heart fall away as Anu met the force of her kiss with tenderness.
It turns out that was all it took for her to surrender. She felt warmth flood her entire body from the center of her being. The force melted from her fingers until they were limp on her cheeks. She gave herself up to the feel of Anu against her and just allowed herself to feel for the first time in weeks. She didn't move, didn't dare to breathe as she felt the fragility of this moment.
She pulled away slowly, not exactly pushing herself away. She felt her heart pounding inside her chest, a slow beat instead of the furious, familiar one from before. She blinked her eyes open slowly, as Anu's face came into focus, she blinked as though she was seeing the woman for the first time. Gently disengaging from the woman, she backed away several steps. "I should go," she said softly.
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Ice became water as the heat between them rose. Anu felt the stone that Geneva had started as turned to a placid and formable body. It curved against her own, and Anu happily took the uncontrolled release that Geneva gave herself to. The frustration flooded from her, leaving both their bodies to wash over the kitchen’s floor. The paw that touched her face fell away, and she let bright light blue eyes opened slowly.
Yes, it was impossible.
She would never keep her, and as Anu felt the other body sift and move away from hers the thought became truth. Blue orbs looked as the grey female moved backwards, her steps creating the fissure between them that she had so quickly closed just seconds before. Chilled air hit her stomach, and Anu could only watch. Her mouth stayed closed, her lips fighting the burn they felt. Anu could read the emotions of her face, knowing them all too well. They were memories, but Anu hadn’t forgotten how it felt.
Anu didn’t step forward, her paws rooted in the floorboards. She had readied herself for this very moment, and it took every ounce of her being to not fall to her knees and beg. Instead, her face went soft and eyes watched the other woman’s features. Remembering the sweetness of it, the gentle jawbone that she had held and the never-ending depths of her green eyes. She wasn’t gone yet, she hadn’t ran… Anu still felt her hold on her fragile body and the touch of their lips. It was all too real to have been her imagination.
You don’t have to. There was understanding in her voice. She knew that their moment would end, always did. And for the briefest of moment, mere seconds Anu could understand why. But for once there was nothing forcing her to go, there was nothing left to loose, nothing left to give up. In the end Geneva would leave her, but she wouldn’t leave until Anu told her, I don’t want you to. Her voice was strong, lacking the tears she thought she would shed, instead the words were threaded together with steel. There would be no more hiding, and she felt the fight rise from the bottom on her being. Awaken and ignited the small wolfess knew there would always be something worth searching for, battling until she heard the cry of victory.
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[html] http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j40/k ... ump/12.png); background-position: top center; background-repeat: no-repeat;"> There was nothing on God's green Earth that presented more of a pull on Geneva. She felt as though she were a comet, hopelessly circling a rare and radiant sun. Soon, their world's would collide if she couldn't pull herself away. She had already tasted all of the promise in that collision. Her lips still tingled from where they had touched hers. The ghost of Anu's touch still trailed her body. The feeling of rightness stole through her, spiraling and crashing into her feelings of wrong.
She wished with every molecule in her body that she could just open her ams, close her eyes, and take the fall. She didn't know when gravity would catch up with her, and she didn't think she cared enough. But fear held her back, an anchor in her throats and deeds. The ghosts of memories flitted behind her light green eyes. At some point, she had drowned in her own skin, and now she hardly felt as though she knew who she was anymore. She tried to resurface past Jordan's loss, and found that she emerged as someone new and strange.
There was a part of Anu that called to a part of her, buried deep beneath doubt, fear, and confusion. There was part of Geneva that trembled, waiting for the perfect moment to burst into bloom. She swallowed it down, though. It seemed all so unnatural to her, which made this strange situation all the more hopeless to her. There was nothing she could grasp at, no single experience in her past experiences to serve as a point of reference.
She held her hand against her chest, twisting her fingers as doubt assailed her. Could she take the fall? Was there anything to fall for to begin this? Why wouldn't the ground just open up and swallow her whole, releasing her from this situation. She bit her lip, realizing what a coward she was as Anu gazed at her with an open invitation and question in her eyes. "I don't want to go either. But I need to, for myself." And she turned, soundlessly ascending the stairs to her old room, and left the territory, not trusting herself to speak to Anu again this night.
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