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Pilot had visited weeks before. Since then, Deuce had only gotten worse. Now she laid in her and Lucifer's den. He'd brought her home from Shadow's grave and let her get drunk until she passed out. This had become a nightly ritual for the mother. She just couldn't deal with life anymore. She couldn't deal with the hurt, with the dissapointment. She couldn't deal with the condemnation she thought she saw in lucifer's eyes.
She laid on the sleeping furs he'd brought from her den, the one she'd stayed in while they were apart. He only kept her here to be sure she wouldn't kill herself, she was sure. Not that he cared. Because of her, his pups would never be born. He had every right to hate her. She rolled over, sighing restlessly. She didn't want to get up anymore. Her fur hung loosely on her gaunt frame. Her eyes were sunk deep in her sockets.
She looked listlessly at the ceiling of the cavern. She could hear whispers, faint and indistinct. Eric again, taunting and teasing. And Shadow too now, berating her for lettingt him die. her son, her only son. Dead. And it was all her fault. She accepted the blame numbly, when her mind accepted that he was dead. Other times, she spoke to the boy as if he were still alive, seeing him there with her. Right now she was lucid, aware. Sometimes she was off in her own grief-created world.
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She had to have searched everywhere by now. Jaded Shadows was the last place.
Dierdre had been tracking over the entirety of Bleeding Souls for the past few days, looking for Deuce. She had expected that her mother would have found a hideout somewhere by herself, maybe in the human city...Dierdre had checked the library, the subway, the house that she had been born...nothing. She'd felt sure that she'd see her mother in there, in the house. It was where she usually found her.
She frowned as she headed into Jaded Shadows' territory. She didn't feel bad for crossing over the borderline; she'd ruthlessly searched every nook and cranny of every other territory without bothering to ask, so why would this place be any different? She thought that Deuce might be here...and that was enough cause for her to be just a little bit rude.
Besides. Her grandmother was an alpha here; she could use that if someone tried to stop her.
Suddenly, her mother's scent became stronger. But she couldn't figure out where it was coming from. The girl held something in her arms, a hare that she'd caught in Clouded Tears...a meal. Lucifer had said that Deuce wasn't doing well, that she'd tried to commit suicide. Dierdre doubted that Deuce would be up and around.
She came closer to where her older counterpart lay, looking around.
"Mom??? Where are you, mom??"
She stirred from her stupor. Her daughter's voice cut through Eric and Shadow easilly. She blinked her dull eyes, stirred slightly. Dierdre. She sat up slowly, her body aching as much as her heart. In here,Dierdre. She scratched at her wrist absently, straining her eyes. the den was dark, Deuce hadn't lit the lamp in the room, and Lucifer hadn't been home yet.
not that she expected her mate to come home. It seemed rare anymore. He hated her; Deuce was sure of it. Her mate hated her. But she couldn't let go. Couldn't let him fly free. She needed him too much, loved him too much. Even when he'd confessed he'd hurt Dierdre, she'd stewed about it, but couldn't leave him. he was the glue that held her fragile pieces together.
[html] She could hear Deuce's voice coming from nearby, and she walked a few steps farther before she figured out exactly where the sounds were coming from. It worried her, that Deuce hadn't come out to greet her; usually she was glad to see Dierdre. Things must have been really bad for her. Dierdre hurt inside...but she could only imagine how Deuce was feeling. It'd been Dierdre's brother that had died, that was true, but she hadn't known him very well. Shadow had grown knowing Deuce and Lucifer as parents, and not knowing Dierdre as his sister.
The girl poked her head inside the den, her eyes adjusting to the darkness after a few moments. Even with her mother's coloration she had trouble seeing her...mom wasn't quite as big as she remembered, and Dierdre was overcompensating. "What're you doing sitting in the dark?" She put the hare down outside the den. "Come up here. Please?" Dierdre had practice with coaxing, what with all the little pups around, ("eat just one more bite--one little one") and maybe her mother would listen to her. "I want to see you. I couldn't find you anywhere..I was really worried. Lucifer came and spoke to me. He...hasn't come back here yet?" She didn't want to talk about Shadow, that would be too painful. But was Lucifer a painful subject?[/html]
Dierdre seemed to shimmer like a beacon of light. Deuce was glad for the warmth the girl brought with her. She stood unsteadilly, approaching slowly, like an omega to an alpha. And then Dierdre was speaking, asking her questions. Deuce's brows furrowed. She took a breath, tried to answer one question at a time. I just got up....
How to answer about Lucifer? How to explain he hated her for losing the pups? Instead, she answered truthfully, without touching on the painful subjects. He comes and goes...the pack needs a lot of food, and he gets it. He brought her food too, that she didn't touch. She didn't have the heart to eat, didn't want food or drink. Except maybe alchol to numb the pain. She'd drunk a little here and there. Not a lot, just a little. Just enough to dull the pain, help her sleep.
She swallowed, tried to hold up her end of a conversation. I met your mate...he's a nice fellow.
[html]She was wary of coming closer, of going inside. She wanted to see Deuce, but knew what that sight would bring. There had been times before when she'd thought that her mother had hit rock bottom...but now things were happening all over again. Tamerlane had convinced her that she should come and try and help Deuce, to make things better...but Dierdre had no idea how to do that.
Should she bring up what Lucifer had told her? Or...should she not? She didn't want to lose her temper, not here. This wasn't the time or the place for that. "He told me about Shadow...Mom, I'm really sorry. I didn't know him very well...but he was my brother and I loved him." At the mention of food she reached down, bringing forth the hare. "I brought something with-maybe I can help you cook it. I never really asked..if you liked your meat that way, though. I can't eat rabbit...I'm too used to fish...but I thought you might like it"
This was a touchy time...she didn't want to say anything that would make Deuce upset, or herself upset. But she wanted to start to try and help. If she could. "I'm glad...that you think he's a good guy. He helped me after..everything happened. Dad likes him, too. Listen--" She cut off for a moment, considering how to start, "I wanted to talk to you. About everything. I just...wanted to know what was going on, and how you were doing....I saw what happened to Lucifer, he showed me the stab wound." She swallowed, trying to keep her voice steady. "Why didn't you come to me when you found out about Shadow? I would have taken care of you! I want to take care of you! We need to be together"[/html]
She flinched visibly when Dierdre spoke about Shadow. he was raw, an open wound. She felt open on all sides today, though, so the rawness was excruciating. Shadow....spoke highly of his big sister. He loved you. It hurt to speak of the boy in the past tense. Used to, but no more. Some coyote had ended the boy's life so short, taking it away from him. Taking the spark of life out of his sky blue eyes.
Deuce moved closer to Dierdre. Her child was staying close to the den's doorway, out where the light was. Diedre wasn't a child anymore. She'd be two this february, valentine's day, the same age that Deuce had been when she'd gotten pregnant with her. So long ago...
She was somewhat slow to follow Dierdre. It seemed the girl had a lot on her mind, and wanted to get it all out. Most of their meetings had ended unhappily, perhaps she was trying to say the important stuff before Deuce flipped out again. She flinched again at the mention of Lucifer's stabwound. that fight had been on Samhain, and still was raw. or maybe it was just Deuce who was raw and unhappy.
She looked to her daughter, mismatched eyes meeting mirrored mismatched eyes. He was already gone by the time I found him....I was taking him home, to the den. I was going to lay him with his siblings, and yours. Her eyes drifted away, breaking the tenous connection. Dierdre was trying so hard...and Deuce didn't have the energy to fight. She sat down, her legs weak. Her mind replayed the events of that day, catching again and again on Shadow's torn body, the small bloody masses of the pups she'd lost, and the tears on lucifer's face. All of it was her fault.
She lifted her eyes to the form of her daughter again. Something about this struck her as humorous, and she laughed once, a note of growing hysteria in her voice. You're not supposed to take care of me...I'm supposed to protect my pups, not the other way around. but it wasn't really funny. It hurt. She could hear Shadow again, mocking her, mocking her pain. She drew her knees up to her chest, whining softly. I hurt.... It was a whisper, a plea for help. It was a mental pain, not physical. The alchohol on her breath gave up how she'd tried to medicate it away.
[html] before you tell yourself
it's just a different scene
She was glad to hear that Shadow had liked her...even if it was too late to do anything about it any more. There was so many things that she could have done to make things better between them...but maybe she was just kidding herself. She hadn't wanted to come by because she'd been afraid of running into Lucifer back then. Her brother had paid the price for her fear.
Dierdre had often wondered about what her father Thanos was like, why Deuce had chosen him among all others to father her. Had it just been a one-time-thing, or had it been deeper? Had Thanos died? Or maybe he'd gone away to look for some more family members? She didn't understand how someone could want to leave thier children behind...but then, she didn't know the situation.
"Mom...I know you didn't mean for it to happen." The entire litter had died? She came into the den, laying down beside Deuce, putting her head down onto her paws. "I remember what you told me before--why I was the only one in my litter. The others died, didn't they? But I was the lucky one. And then..in Shadow's litter, a few of them died too. It can't be your fault...it's just something that happens sometimes"
She was worried about it, though...would the same thing happen if she and Pilot tried to have pups? Even if it did, she would do the same thing that Deuce did--continue to try. She wanted a full, healthy litter. "Mom, I've been greedy. You've been here the whole entire time, needing me, and I haven't been here for you. You can't tell me not to help you now...I want to make up for lost time. I wish you still lived in Storm..then we could be around each other all the time. I'd like that. I never had the chance to ask...why you left"
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Dierdre came in then, laying next to her. Deuce breathed in her scent; it hadn't changed much, except for the addition of Pilot to it. She nuzzled her daughter, aching for the pup she used to be. Dierdre had grown up so much, and Deuce had missed it somehow. How did any good mother miss their child growing up?
"Mom, I've been greedy. You've been here the whole entire time, needing me, and I haven't been here for you. You can't tell me not to help you now...I want to make up for lost time. I wish you still lived in Storm..then we could be around each other all the time. I'd like that. I never had the chance to ask...why you left" She listened to the cinnamon girl's words, frowning just slightly at the way Dierdre seemed to blame herself for not being there for her mother.
And then the question. Why she'd left Storm. I left Storm...to be with Lucifer. He couldn't be in Storm..because of what he did to you. So i left Storm to join him in his pack, the pack he chose. She looked at Dierdre quietly, hoping her child understood. it wasn't because I didn't want to be with you...it was because I wanted to be with him.
Death. it seemed to be on the pale mother's mind an aweful lot. maybe just because of the fact that Shadow had died, and she'd miscarried. She turned her attention to something that was bothering her. Don't let my.....accidents....keep you from wanting to have your own pups. I did a lot wrong with my litters. I never ate enough, becuase i wasn't going to ask someone to hunt for me...and I can't hunt very well, i never have been able to. And with the litter I miscarried...i was under a lot of stress...and...Shadow...dying.... didn't help any.
She halted her rambling to look at her child, wondering if she understood.
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[html] before you tell yourself
<3
it's just a different scene
She knew that Lucifer wasn't allowed back in Storm, not after what had happened. It was a price that he, and now she would both have to pay for it. She had known that her mother had left, but hadn't tied the two things together until now. Jaded Shadows, of all places? This was where Grandmother lived, and Dierdre came here often enough...she'd just never seen Deuce here. Maybe once, but Deuce hadn't smelled like a pack member back then.
"And you want to stay here"She said, looking at Deuce through the dark. She wanted them to be together, like a mother and daughter should...but Deuce wouldn't want to leave. And she didn't know where Deuce would live in Storm; she and Pilot hadn't been mates for very long, and needed privacy.
"I'll come as much as I can--and I can bring food. I don't eat rabbit or squirrel any more, but I have a bow...that's it! The bow! The next time I come I'll bring it for you. I was trying to think of a use for it, because it's only good for hunting ground-prey...and I think I found one! I can teach you, mom--it's so easy to use. And I painted the arrows' ends bright, bright colors so that you can find them if you miss. It makes it so you barely even have to move to hunt--you just have to aim"
Dierdre was extremely pleased with this idea--the bow was getting dusty sitting there in the back of the den. "I have a mate to provide for me...if that happens. If we decide to have pups. I don't need the bow. Pilot wouldn't use it anyway--he usually only catches fish."
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I apologize for the unforgivable wait. It's been a long LONG week, and I wasn't sure how Deuce would respond to this. LOL. But I'm back now. *cuddles*
I'll come as much as I can--and I can bring food. I don't eat rabbit or squirrel any more, but I have a bow...that's it! The bow! The next time I come I'll bring it for you. I was trying to think of a use for it, because it's only good for hunting ground-prey...and I think I found one! I can teach you, mom--it's so easy to use. And I painted the arrows' ends bright, bright colors so that you can find them if you miss. It makes it so you barely even have to move to hunt--you just have to aim"
Deuce looked at her daughter, who was so pleased with herself. She gave her a smile, soft and tender. Dierdre would always love her, no matter their problems in the past. She left the question alone. Dierdre knew the answer. Deuce would leave her mate no more than the girl would leave hers.
Pilot wouldn't use it anyway--he usually only catches fish." This made the mother laugh, the first laugh since Shadow died. We had a famine the year I came to souls....that was all we ate in Syemv. I still shudder when i look at fish. That was the year before you were born, when Rurik was still alpha. She gave the girl a crooked smile, though her eyes remained sad and distant. Lonely, even.
[html] before you tell yourself
Tis Okay  -cuddles!-
it's just a different scene
Maybe now was the time to catch up on the family history. Dierdre had been wondering about this for a while--had wanted to know more about Deuce, Thanos, and everyone else that she included in with her blood-related family. This was a good time, she thought. "I don't remember him at all...just Akumu. I don't even really remember her very well either, though."
Life had restarted for her when she had joined Storm again--she'd found herself. Storm was where she would live out the rest of her life. "Mom-I was always sort of wondering..and if you don't mind telling me. What were your parents like? And Dad. What was he like?"
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571 words!Deuce was feeling calmer about everything, about life in general. She'd never had the chance to really tell Dierdre about her past, about her family. "I never knew my parents. My adopted father, taliesin, was the bard of our tribe, the lightpaw tribe. It's far to the north. To them, wolves who couldn't shift weren't worth keeping, but my adopted father took care of me. I was always told my father died...but the truth was, he had another family. Your uncle Edgar used to be in jaded Shadows...he left a long time ago. My Mother died after giving birth to myself, my sister, and my brother. Bran and Branwen died when we were four moths old."
She paused, wondering if she should share the next part, then continued on. "When I was one, our omen reader told the alpha that my pure white fur and different eyes were a bad omen for the tribe, especially since I couldn't shift. I had to leave or die. I left. Many months later, i met Thorn and his brother Rurik, who let me join Syemv."
Thanos. How to explain to her child the fleeting nature of their meeting? Deuce fingered the necklace he'd given her. Pretty necklace for a pretty lady, she could hear him saying. She smiled softly. "It was several months, just before my second birthday, when I met Thanos. I was exploring, and I'd found a human house that was very pretty. So did he. Her bi-colored eyes were soft and distant, replaying a kinder past. "He scared me, and I fell down the stairs...he came to see if I was okay. One thing led to another, and.... She shrugged. Dierdre was smart, she'd know what happened next. "I thought it was love. I was in love with him by the time it was over with. He, on the other hand, snuck away. He didn't know about you until Phasma spoke to him about it. He was there on accident the day you were born. So was Phoenix and Phasma. And Soran helped birth you and your siblings.
More...she wanted to tell her child more. "Thanos...he loved you very much. He was scared. I met him once, after Akumu exiled me. Just outside of Bleeding Souls lands. He was very upset when i told him i didn't know where you were...he was scared you'd gotten hurt. Your father was very artistic...he was very sweet and sensitive. he just wasn't ready for us, for a mate and pups. She shrugged eloquently.
Dad. She vaugly wondered how Thanos would feel about being called that. Thinking about it brought it all back for her. "He had beautiful green eyes, like his mother and supposedly his father. When you were younger, you seemed to be half me and half him. You had one blue eye and one green eye. And your coat was a little more red. It seemed to be the most the mother had ever said about the male, but Deuce wasn't done. Her hand carressed the necklace, the slowly pulled it off, holding it in a hand and looking at it silently. "He gave this to me....'Pretty necklace for a pretty lady,' he said when he put it on me." She looked at her daughter thoughtfully. "Would you like it?"
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[html] before you tell yourself
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She listened as Deuce's history was explained. She knew already that Thanos had lived around Bleeding Souls, because she'd been told that Fatin was her grandmother, but hearing about Deuce's side was all new. She nodded at the right moments, not interrupting her elder counterpart. "I was so little...I didn't really remember a lot of what happened. All I remember is a pair of big green eyes--those seem to be stuck in my memory. I remember how Physe looked, his eyes--I think that's why I liked him so much" She was sad that Physe had died, and left them. At least with Thanos she just didn't know where he was. But Physe was actually gone for sure. She'd heard about wolves coming back as ghosts, though, and maybe he would come back someday.
"I remember when you left. I left to look for you, even though the others tried to make me stay. I was really sneaky." She hadn't known that Phoenix had been there the day that she'd been born. She wondered if she'd subconciously known that it was him there when she had come back to look for a home back then. But then...some wolves had told her that Phoenix wasn't the wolf that he seemed to be. It made her worry a little. "Phoenix is good to me, over in Storm. Pilot, too. Do you like Phoenix? And what was Pilot like when he came here?"
At the offer of the necklace she brought her head in closer, so that Deuce might slip it over her head. "Of course...if you don't mind parting with it. It's so pretty--I can see why he would give it to you. You're still pretty, too" She thought for a moment. "It'll remind me of you all the time--so you can always be with me"
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Of course...if you don't mind parting with it....It'll remind me of you all the time--so you can always be with me" The mother smiled, caressing the worn leather one last time before slipping it over her daughter's head. She felt strange without it, as if she were missing something. But she couldn't deny Dierdre one small part of her father. It should remind you that thanos loves you very much...even if he's not here with you.
She gave her daughter a gentle hug, then proceeded to answer Dierdre's questions. I've always liked phoenix, even though we didn't get along well at first. the first time I met him, i was pregnant with you, and I wasn't always the nicest female to be around. I picked fights with everyone, even though I lost most of the time. Didn't matter if they were bigger than me or not. the first time I met Phoenix, i accidentally fell into his den. He accused me of doing it on purpose. She laughed. It wasn't until after you that he and I got along, really. I remember once, you were all excited, you were sure he was your father. You were so dissapointed when he said it wasn't so.
She shrugged gracefully. I never knew Pilot before he was your mate. At least, not by name. i'd seen him around Storm, but i didn't know him. He always had a smile on his face, though.
[html] before you tell yourself
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She wondered if Pilot had known that Deuce was her mother when he had come by here. Had he come here on purpose, to speak with Deuce? Or maybe he'd just wandered in and ended up seeing her. She thought that he knew Deuce was her mom, but she couldn't be sure; she couldn't remember if she had told him or not. Maybe. "He's amazing. I can't believe that we're even together sometimes--it's like finding another part of yourself that you never knew was there...but that you needed" She and Pilot talked a lot...all the time. It was the thing that she liked the best about him. To the rest of the world she held a cold exterior...but with Pilot she could be herself, and talk about anything without worrying about sounding stupid.
The necklace was a new weight around her neck, but not a bad one. "And how'd you meet Physe? I miss him sometimes--I go to Chimera...or...the Moaning Woods, and sometimes I feel like he's still there. I think he might be wandering around there still-maybe like a ghost." She almost hadn't wanted to say it--that she'd thought she had seen him a couple of times. It had scared her, really. "But I was probably just imagining things." It hurt too much to think about him coming back. She didn't feel like she had been there enough for him--and he had died all alone. Maybe she shouldn't have brought this up. "But it's good to talk about the happy times, right? I remember sleeping in his den--and how nice and warm it was. He always had a fire"
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