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Dated to May 18 300+
There was no use putting off what he had to do. The decision had been made and he had to face the music. If possible, he had felt more hollow ever since his talk with his sister. He hoped to the heavens that she had gone back to Crimson Dreams. Even though nothing had happened to him during his stay in Halifax, the thought of her upset and out in the city all alone made him nervous. Who knew what kind of horrible monsters could be lurking in the dark city streets. Worst of all, he had no one to blame but himself for her being in that situation. If anything had happened to her after she had left him, the boy would never forgive himself.
The walk back to the edge of Crimson Dreams had been painful. Each step he took towards his beloved home was a step away from it. His jacket and jeans hung raggedly on his skinny form. His coat lacked luster and his body full of lean muscles had somewhat dissolved. Haven knew that the smell of booze hung heavily to him and so he made his way to the lake. There would probably be no way to wash the smell from his body completely, but at least he could lessen it. Removing his clothes he let himself sink into the water. It was cool and pleasant, but it only made him feel more numb. Listlessly he scrubbed his fur, hoping to wash away the grim of his wallowing.
The Aatte youth laid on a rock as his pelt dried, staring up at the moon and the stars that were beginning to appear in the sky. He felt nothing though. He couldn't even feel the beating of his heart. Haven redressed and walked a little ways away from Rabbit Lake along the borders. He clenched his hands into fists, his one hand scabbed over from the other night, steeling himself for what he came here to do. Lifting his muzzle to the air he called out for his mother. Not Naniko, but Anu. This was going to be hard either way, but at least with Anu he wouldn't worry about her seeing only his father.
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bring on the hurt…
It was late, and the female sat on the porch. The spring’s cool air clung to her growing mane and sent it waving in the breeze. She let it grow, letting it begin the change she hoped to trigger internally. She had yet to find the spark, but still the woman was able to say she was rebuilding the tattered pieces that remained of her heart. Stronger now, Anu could finally be at peace with no distraction. But it wasn’t easy.
She held a book, though still fought to read the printed words. Settling to look at them again a song drifted to her ears, pulling at the very heartstrings she hoped to strengthen and repair. It made her stand instantly, knowing the voice and the familiar pain she knew so well. The combination frightened her, and her name sung through the night air made her take to her feet with swift haste.
It had been weeks since seeing her son, and his absence had not gone unnoticed. His return would be a happy one, or at least she hoped. Deep in her mind there was a part that told her something different, and as she ran Anu prepared herself. Though nothing could prepare her for what she saw when she lay eyes on him.
He stood too close to the boarder, like a stranger in his own home and Anu instantly understood. His eyes looked hollow, like there was nothing living beneath the shell of her son. She slowed, her breath as calm as if she had walked. Instantly Anu moved towards him, and without hesitation she took him in her arms. Wordlessly she spoke that she missed him, told that she wanted him as her kin no matter what he had done or what he felt. She accepted him into her heart, knowing whom he looked like and somehow knowing that he was fully aware.
Her heart beat with a drum-line rhythm, tapping in her ear. How she loved her favored child, and in that instant she didn’t care who knew of her favoritism.
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oh man, I might cry ;.; 300+
It seemed as if it took no time at all between the time he called for her and when her form appeared on the horizon. The sight of her made his breath catch in his throat and he had to fight to keep tears from coming to his eyes. He knew how he looked, even without seeing himself in a mirror. He was a sorry excuse for her son, an empty facade of the happy boy she had played in the pumpkin patch with. He could feel his heart breaking even more. It had started that night with Mati, but now the fissure grew longer and deeper. Never had he thought to leave this place. He loved Crimson Dreams and all who resided her. But he had changed, and this could no longer be his home. He had to find his own way.
As she wrapped her arms around him he clung to her, burying his nose in her fur, breathing in her scent. Haven had missed her. Burnt orange fingers grasped at her, fearing she might dissolve away. Still he held back the tears, but it was becoming harder and harder to do so. His ears folded back and he closed his empty jade eyes. "Mom..." he whispered. He didn't care if they had no blood relations. She was his mother. She always had been and she always would be. But now he was going to do something that would no doubt hurt her, just as it had hurt Mati.
Haven let the silence hang in the air a few moments longer. He wished this moment could last forever. He wished he could be a child again, snuggled up against her at night with his siblings all around. He wanted their happy little family back. He wished he had never grown up. "I know what he did..." Those words dripped with shame. Why couldn't he have truly been her son instead of his'?
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… me too
It was impossible to wish away the past. It would never leave, no matter how hard they prayed for it to disappear. She had wanted to keep such truth from him, pledged to do so, and failed. But truth was one of the purest parts of life, it was lies that were evil and disgraceful. Anu fought to find comfort in the knowledge that truth had been revealed to her son, such honesty needed ever be thought of. She held him, feeling his thin frame against her own. His coat was rough and harsh, and Anu thought of all the ways she had failed him. She could have kept this from happening. But the past was set, and all she could do was her best to right the present and outline the future.
I’m sorry Haven. Sorry that she couldn’t protect him, sorry that she hadn’t been the one to tell him, sorry that she could not show him what love was, and sorry that she had turned her heart away from him. For the moment she had turned her love away from his mother, she had turned from him too. Her had touched his long hair, and her nose gently pressed against the crown of his skull. For a moment Anu returned to the memories they held, the moments that were most joyful in her life. He was very absent, she wondered if would ever find that again, when he left.
I want you to stay, son. Her voice was gentle, simple. They did not push him, and she did not hold him closer. They were only to remind him that she did love him, did want him know this land as his home. She needed him to know that she never thought of the monster when she looked at him, never thought of the pain.
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300+
She had no reason to be sorry, not really. At first he had been upset at the fact he had found the news out from a complete stranger instead of either of his mothers, but he understood now. They had only been trying to protect him. To keep that harsh truth from hurting him. How could he expect them to want to talk about it either? He wondered at times if that all had been part of the reason that they were no longer together. Maybe it had all just been too much. Too hard to get past. The boy couldn't imagine what it must have been like for them. For Anu, knowing that her children were not her's, that they were the spawn of some wretched creature. For Naniko bearing that burden that he had shoved upon her and making it worse by giving his looks to one of their sons.
When his mother told him that she wanted him to stay he wanted to say yes. He wanted to say yes and go back with her to the house and pretend like none of this had happened. Let her and the rest of the pack mend his broken spirit. But that wasn't possible. "I can't..." A single tear broke through and rolled down his cheek. Would she be mad? Would she run away from him like his sister had? Haven wouldn't be able to blame her if she did, but he hoped she would understand. He didn't know if he could handle hating himself more than he already did. "I'm sorry. I just can't." Please don't hate me.
"But I still need you." Maybe that would help. It was true. Just because he couldn't live in Crimson Dreams anymore didn't meant he was never coming back. He loved his family more than anything and could never leave them behind.
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Anu never found it hard to look at him, for every time she did so she saw the love that had been shared between she and Naniko. She saw the moments of his birth, the pride of his first steps and the happiness his imagination and bravery brought to her heart. Never would she feel any pain, not when she looked upon the boy that brought her heart so much joy. Anu wished to share that with him, pour that into his own heart. But she knew that he could not accept that from her, he needed to find that on his own. He needed to gather that beyond the reaches of his family, where the memory was so fresh and real.
Blue eyes blinked, and she felt the moisture of tears against her fur. So much had been lost since winters end, but Anu would not believe that he was lost. He only needed distance, or at least her heart hoped. At his words Anu reframed from pushing away to see his face, knowing that sorrow would be written on it. She could sense the unhappiness in his decision, he hadn’t made light of the choice but thought it through. She knew her son, and knew that he had thought deeply with every decision.
But it broke her heart.
I know Haven. She had wanted to run away too, many times. Her commitment had made her stay, and she knew the pain that would be felt if he did too. Her tears could be heard in her voice, deep and broken. I’m always here. A promise that was forged so long ago, what seemed like ages. Anu had to express it to make it real, revive it from its slumber. She found it hard to breath, while the idea of life without her son became true. It was too real already, and she held him in her arms. Don’t go too far, please. The mother begged.
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300+
When she didn't push away from him, when no angry words greeted him a sense of relief came over him. He knew he had hurt her, there was no avoiding that. He was hurt as well. But at least she was able to understand. To know that this wasn't easy for him either. That it was a tough decision, but it was one that he had had to make and he had chosen what would be best for all of them in the long haul. It might not have seemed like it at the moment, but deep down he knew that was the truth. If he stayed he risked becoming too dependent on them all. While he had no idea how to do it now, he still wanted to make them all proud. He couldn't do that if he stayed.
Hearing her voice that way, so sad and frail made him hurt all the more. He hugged his mother tightly, as if he was trying to squeeze away all their pain. "Thank you." He meant it. In those two words he was thanking her for so much. For being the mother that she was, for understanding, for always being there for him. "I love you mom." The tears fell freely from his jade orbs now, soaking the fur beneath. This was the hardest thing he had ever done, maybe the hardest he would ever have to do. He doubted anything could be quite so painful as having to pull yourself from your home. "I promise." Leaving Crimson Dreams at all was hard enough, he knew he could not separate himself from his family much farther than that.
That all too familiar fear leaked into his heart, and he knew he needed to ask her. Maybe she would have the wisdom and the knowledge that he was looking for. Many people had told him that his heritage didn't matter, but it was hard to believe fully. Maybe whatever she told him would be easier for him to put his faith in. "Do you think I could do what he did? I'm so afraid of that..." His words were broken and his fear was evident. The Aatte boy never wanted to be capable of something so horrible.
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His love for her, his acceptance of her as his mother had never been so apparent. There had been times where she had faltered in her belief. Worried that all of them would find her less then what she wanted to be, less then a real parent. But he gave her more comfort then he would ever know. She accepted his promise, taking it to her heart and storing it beside the love he granted her. She would let him go, but not forever.
There was silence, but it was brief as his voice rose between them once again. His question was one that she had thought over since before he was born. Anu had always worried, always wondered if it was possible for the past to repeat itself. The moment he took his first breath and greeted the world, Anu had know that each were too pure to fall into the evil that taken hold of their sire.
No. Anu spoke, a thread of steel in the single word. But it wasn’t enough, it wouldn’t give him the comfort that he so greatly needed. It’s a sickness Haven, something that could strike anyone. It wasn’t just genetics that made a monster. Anu inhaled the scent of him, mixed with dust and alcohol. Her heart ached at the thought of him falling into such a depression. Your strong, Haven. You always have been. Enough to never become what he had. Another breath, and more tears. Her voice was finally clear of them, but still they fell. And you’ll be strong because of this. You’re less capable, because you know. Knowledge was painful, but powerful.
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He had never thought of her as less than a parent. She had always been there for all of them. She had helped to raise them and teach them the skills and knowledge they needed to survive. She nurtured them and played with them. Haven knew that Anu loved them with all of her heart, just like any parent. In his mind she was more a parent to him than his father had ever been. Blood wasn't thicker than the bond between him and his adopted mother. He loved her just as much as he loved Naniko. They were his true parents, genes didn't matter.
The strength behind her one word answer calmed him. He almost sobbed with happiness at it. If she had thought him capable of such deeds he didn't know what he would have done. The boy listened intently to his mother's words, soaking them up and taking them to heart. Of course he didn't feel strong right now, he felt the exact opposite. He felt weak and wretched. But he supposed he had made it through and he was finally taking steps to climb out of the hole it had put him in. And you'll be strong because of this. You're less capable, because you know. That is perhaps what reverberated most. Made the most sense and gave him the most hope.
He didn't know what to say, so he just nodded his head against her shoulder. He believed her and believed what she had said. The demons and shadows still lurked in his mind, but his mother had shown a light and they were beginning to disperse. His fingers rubbed softly against her fur, hoping to comfort her as she was comforting him.
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